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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » I wasn't sure where to put this... (DIFFERENT kind of problem with a teacher)

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Author Topic: I wasn't sure where to put this... (DIFFERENT kind of problem with a teacher)
DSONFan101
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so i finally came to terms with the fact that i have a crush on my history teacher. she's a woman, and i'm a 16 year-old bisexual girl. she's easy to talk to and can actually hold a decent conversation (she's young, so she knows all the cool goings-on of the teenage world and such).

so, when i admitted to myself that i had a full-on crush on her, all i wanted do to was see her. i started hanging out in her classroom during the breaks between classes at school and we'd talk about tv shows and stuff.

but all of a sudden, one day, i was walking to her room as always, and a wave of anxiety just came over me. i started shaking and became terrified of my teacher. i haven't visited her class in a few weeks and i don't know how to get over it.

we had a chapter test today and i had no reason, but somehow i couldn't focus because i was so scared of her. [Frown]

i don't even remember when exactly i became so afraid of her. (i shouldn't even be. she's really nice and never gave me any reason to be scared).

i was just putting this out there to see if there's anyone out there that has gone through this and/or has any advice. [Confused]

sorry it's long

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We've all got our junk
and my junk is you.

Posts: 15 | From: Bay Area, California | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bluejumprope
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Can you describe more what the fear is like?

I've had many intense crushes on teachers, and as painful as it's been for me not having my attentions returned, it's been worse and made me scared whenever a teacher has.

When I've felt boundaries shift with a teacher (however subtly), it can suddenly become very frightening. Before the focus had been on wanting the teacher to like me, or enjoying having certain conversations, but as soon as the teacher's needs enter the picture, it's really overwhelming. Often part of the crush was knowing that nothing was going to happen, and that helped make it safe. If the teacher is no longer well boundaried, is sharing things that make you uncomfortable, or is getting needs met with you that she should be getting from a peer, it can be really scary. I hear you saying you don't think you should be scared--"she's really nice and never gave me any reason to be scared"--but the fact is, you are.

For example, I had a cool young history teacher in high school who I had a big crush on, and hung out with a lot between classes. Then she started complaining to me about her husband, and how admiring of my being out she was, and that she's really bi, but woke up one day and realized Jesus didn't like it....well, I quickly lost interest, and being around her was suddenly really anxiety-producing. It seemed like there was the possibility that there was another kind of relationship she wanted with me, and in that, it was revealed how immature she really was. And it was scary feeling like I had so much power in the relationship and that she was such a mess. I felt like I should feel honored that she was confiding in me, and after all she didn't seem to have anyone else, but the truth was it was inappropriate. I'm not saying this is necessarily what's going on for you, but some of it sounds similar.

[ 12-06-2008, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: bluejumprope ]

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without tenderness, we are in hell. -Adrienne Rich

Posts: 407 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DSONFan101
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we don't really talk about personal stuff, but we do talk a bit more than her and the other kids.

the fear feels like some sort of intense panic. during the test, i had a song stuck in my head and and once i got scared, the song, like, raised it's volume and gave me that feeling (physically) people get when they're wearing headphones and the volume goes up to its full extent, so it turned into a headache.

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We've all got our junk
and my junk is you.

Posts: 15 | From: Bay Area, California | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
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DSONFan101, might part of why you are feeling so fearful be because you are worried about her finding out that you have a crush on her? Since this is effecting your schoolwork, do you think you may want to talk to your school's counselor about how you are feeling? One thing you may want to try when you get to feeling that way is just taking some slow, deep breaths, counting to 10 as you inhale, and then counting to 10 again as you exhale. Doing that a few times may help you calm down so you can focus on your work. You might also try sorting out your emotions for her. Is it possible that you feel the way you do for her because you feel acknowledged and made special by her, and that you do not have a crush, but instead have feelings of kinship or friendship toward her?

Blue, I think you bring up such an interesting point about the teacher-student relationship in general. Quite often, teachers do end up having to take on a certain role as confessor or therapist for their students because they are looked up to and thought of as intelligent and more experienced (which is especially true in the professor-student relationship, I think), and students may think that they'll have the answers, or at least help them to find the answers. I know I've said some personal things to my professors in the past asking for their advice. That can certainly feel like a bit of a power imbalance for the instructor, and can be emotionally draining, but at the same time, I think it does have certain emotional awards (for instance, my sister and her husband are both teachers, and even though it is upsetting for them a lot of times to hear the problems of their students and feel like they can't help them, at the same time they feel wonderful when they are able to help them or if they can't, that they can at least provide some sympathy and understanding) and the power imbalance is a necessary one. If the tables are turned, as you described, then the power shifts and it becomes uncomfortable and unprofessional. That's putting a lot of burden on the student, which is inappropriate in many ways. Instructors are adults, with their own steady incomes, so they should be able to do the things necessary to work out their own problems like seeing a therapist, or they should talk about their problems to someone who is on the same level as them in terms of life experiences and age. Actually, if you think about it, it's kind of similar to the relationship between parents and children. Parents are the ones the children go to for advice, not the other way around. I expanded a little more on that in this thread, if you want to add in your own thoughts or experiences there.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DSONFan101
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ok. so, i had class again today. i walked in and she said "hi" just like she normally does.

i tried to say hi, but i couldn't bring myself to. i really wanted to respond, but my mouth wouldn't open. my head was screaming at me to say something, but i just couldn't. so, i ended up just staring at her like a deer in headlights for a few seconds and then i walked really fast to my seat which, to my luck, was changed to be right next to her desk.

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We've all got our junk
and my junk is you.

Posts: 15 | From: Bay Area, California | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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