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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » umm, doubt this be right forum, but can anyone help me deal?

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Author Topic: umm, doubt this be right forum, but can anyone help me deal?
Kazi
Neophyte
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umm, hi, i just wondering if anyone else is an actual submissive? main reason i ask is cause i'm actually very new to the lifestyle, i've learned a lot since i started but as i only started being a sub in, oh, i think 3-4 months ago? i doubt i know enough. i'm in a D/s relationship right now, but this is such a confusing time for me right now, i'm starting to think i'm bi, i realized i'm into bdsm, and i have no one to talk to about any of this.

my family is so strict, no one is allowed to even speak of the fact that my cousin is a lebian, and i know they would never approve of me vv. it's bad enough i was an unwanted child, but to be bi and kinky?

and just so ya know i've had serious problems in my past, i was diagnosed with ptsd at the age of 5 for being sexually molested by my father, i was then emotionally abused by my mother and physically abused by my step-father.

i am also diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, a high function autistic spectrum disorder (yes, that is quite a mouthful)

and i'm really really sorry for the length of this post thus farm, but there is yet more ^^

i have no experience with sex, i am a virgin, lol, i want to please my Master but i am unsure of anything of this sort, i dunno what i'm doing really, and i have NO self-confidence to speak of.

i am always afraid i'll do something to push ppl away, i always try to please but i'm always afraid i'm just the opposite. i don't believe i'm pretty, even though Master tells me i am, i don't believe anyone could really want me, neither sexually nor romantically.

i'm really sorry for all that but i know it really help to just let everything out, i know because i always keep things inside till i explode.

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i'm just me, don't try to change me, don't say i'm wrong living life my own way.

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orca
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Hi Kazi. I'm sorry that you've had to go through so much. You mentioned in this thread that you had some difficulty getting counselling. Would you like us to assist you in finding some local resources (support groups, counselling)? As Stephanie wrote you in that other thread, sometimes it does take a little shopping to find the right therapist. It can be discouraging, but don't lose hope. If I may ask, how long did you stay with a therapist before ending the therapy? Many people find that it takes them quite a few sessions (8-10 is about average) before they can become comfortable with a therapist, enough to open up to them. For some people it can take longer or shorter. No amount of time is "correct" though. It's all up to the individual. If you're finding that the therapist just isn't willing to help you or continue the sessions, then it's time to find a new therapist.

I would highly recommend that until you have processed the abuse and molestation, you consider stepping away from sexual activity, and perhaps a relationship all together. Growing up experiencing abuse, it can be difficult to figure out what is and isn't healthy in a relationship. Taking some time away to figure things out allows you the chance to look at all the different relationships in your life objectively, which can help you to see what is and isn't healthy or acceptable behavior in a relationship. Through the help of a therapist, you may also find similarities between your past abusers, similarities which you can use to spot signs of abuse in your new relationships so you can avoid getting into abusive relationships. One of the sad facts about abuse is that often people who experience abuse growing up are more likely to get into abusive relationships when they get older, so it becomes a cycle. You can break that cycle, however, by processing, working through that abuse, and looking objectively at all of your relationships, past, present and future.

I have to say that calling your partner your Master seems to imply a large power imbalance in the relationship. I understand that it is a BDSM relationship, but from my understanding, the BDSM part is usually limited to the sexual aspect of the relationship as a type of play, not the whole relationship. In a relationship, there should be no masters or servants, but only partners, equals. Can I ask how is your relationship as a whole? Do you feel able to say no to sexual activity when you don't want it? Do you feel you are allowed to have your own life separate from your partner? Do you feel able to voice your own opinion to your partner without fear of anger from your partner? You might also want to take a look at the Abusive Partner Checklist. I'm not saying that your partner is abusive, but I think it's always a good idea to be aware of these signs to watch out for them.

I'm going to leave you with a couple more articles to take a look at. I also suggest taking a look at some of the threads in the Abuse and Abusive Relationships section. Please let us know if there's anything we can help you with, or anything you'd like to talk about.
Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
From Victim To Survivor
Working the Kinks Out

[ 12-07-2008, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: orca ]

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Stephanie_1
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Kazi: Just wanted to add a few things in here as well. I see you saying that you have no self-confidence, and that’s a difficult point to start a relationship on. Part of a healthy relationship, especially a healthy sexual relationship with another person comes in being able to set boundaries for what you’re okay with and what you’re not. These boundaries, especially with BDSM, allow for an emotional and physical safety net. Self-confidence and self-esteem alike are both things that are important to be developed alone, not through a partner. Sure, they can be enhanced by a partner, but the steady grounding for them needs to be set beforehand.

As orca mentioned above, sometimes cycles can occur in dating. After I was raped, I spend a lot of time in and out of relationships. The men I dated were generally wrong for me, and it took a close friend telling me to take a step back and really look at where I was and what I was doing before I took a break from dating anyone else. I also see you said that you have no experience with sex. It’s difficult to set boundaries with new partners, and especially the first time choosing to have sex of any kind people need to stop and take a break, or stop completely for the time being to get used to how they’re feeling.

Do you feel like if at any time you’re uncomfortable you could tell your partner that you need to stop – and that they would listen to your request right away? Sex can also bring about triggers, and grounding yourself can be difficult, sometimes the best way of dealing with them is to walk away. Do you feel like you would be able to walk away, and that your partner would respect your need for some space if that’s the case? I also think you should take a look at our Readiness Checklist

[ 12-07-2008, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Kazi
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well, it's not just BDSM for one, it'd D/s Domination/submission, and it is a full on everyday allday relationship.

and to speak honestly, though Master encourages me to speak up if i wish to stop, i doubt i could say no. He always tells me i can say no, that i can say when i want to stop, but i really don't think i could say no to Him.

i know there is no abuse in this relationship because Master is very kind to me, He only wants what is best for me and even sets a bedtime so i get enough sleep at night (i'm a chronic insomniac and if i'm not told i HAVE to go to bed i'll stay up all night)

and i dunno how long i was in counseling, i was in counseling right after it was discovered i had ptsd, at least 16 months for one time when i was in middle school, and again in high school for about 3-4 weeks.

and as for my self-confidence, i've been alone for most of my life, which is why i had such low self-confidence in the first place, i thought no one wanted me, i thought i was horridly ugly or that something was wrong with me or some such and people didn't or couldn't love me, then i met Master and he told me otherwise.

if i missed anything please tell me and i will try to answer the question.

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i'm just me, don't try to change me, don't say i'm wrong living life my own way.

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Alice
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You spent a relatively short time giving counseling a shot. Counseling can often be very helpful when it's given enough of a chance. That may mean switching counselors until you find one who's right for you. Talking it out here is a great start and I encourage you to keep doing that. But sometimes it can be so beneficial to have someone in real life as support and to bounce ideas off of. Counselors can be great because they can look at your situation with a fresh pair of eyes and see things we can't see through the internet.

I hear you say that you feel as if you couldn't say no to him. Like what was said above, setting limits and boundaries is an important part of any relationship. Have you discussed with him that you feel this way? Do you think he cares enough for you that he'd be willing to step back for a bit while you get your stuff figured out and processed, if you wanted to do that and asked him to?

You said this is a 24/7 deal, may I ask if you're living with him?

Would you be willing to get in touch with someone through the YWCA? They can connect you with real life support. http://www.ywca.org

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The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

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Kazi
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lessee, the first thing the counseling, it wasn't even my choice, my parents put me in it, and the doctor took me out, personally i'd have stayed, but they said they couldn't help me.

the second thing, no i have not discussed this with Him recently, W/we did have some discussions on this at the beginning of our relationship, but not since (i have a history of falling in with not so good people, and He wanted me to learn when it's a good idea to say stop)

the third thing, no, i'm not living with Him.

fourth thing is, yes He would likely allow me to deal on my own for a while, He wants me to be happy.

one last thing, as said earlier, i do have a history of getting in with not so nice men, but i know for certain Master is not like that for all His care of me, He helped me through a few rough spots that i couldn't have dealt with on my own before we even got into a relationship and has continued to help me since we god together.

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i'm just me, don't try to change me, don't say i'm wrong living life my own way.

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JamsessionVT
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Unfortunately, Kazi, a D/s relationship only truly works if it's A) only one part of the relationship, not the entire thing, and B) if you are ALREADY comfortable saying "no" or "stop". You can't learn to say "no" in this sort of scenario if you don't feel comfortable or can't do so already.

Obviously, we're all very worried about you. We want to see you in a situation that is healthy for you, and to be honest, we don't feel that this is.

Who are you living with, currently, if anyone? Do you think they could bring you to a real life support group, such as the one Alice mentioned?

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Abbie
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cool87
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Kazi, honey, I do feel very concerned about your situation and that's why I'd be more than happy to discuss any of this further with you, if that's something you'd be interested in.

I'm really sorry to hear that your past has been so difficult, this is definatly a lot to deal with all on your own, and even with the help of a partner, sometimes this be overwhelming and that's why getting some help can often help a lot. It helps to have someone else to discuss those things with and get some support from and help aside from a partner. Often, those also just can't help as much as a counselor would.

I think coming here is a pretty good step though and I'm glad that you've done so. But counseling could also be very useful to you and that's why I'd like you to reconsider it again another time, it oftens take more than one attempt before you find the right therapist for you. We could help you find a therapist if you'd like.

That said, I hear you about feeling alone and unloved and I'm so sorry that this is how you feel. I know that when you feel like that and you get into a relationship with someone who all of a sudden is very caring and isn't like the previous guy you've dated, that it can feel so good that sometimes this might make it harder somehow for you to see red flags in a relationship. The thing is, as hard as it might be to believe that, some people might just use kindness in order to obtain something they want or take advantage of someone. I think it might help just to always keep that in mind as a possibility. It doesn't mean that every very caring and loving partner will be like that, not at all, that's not what I'm saying, but unfortunatly, the reality is that some do just use kindness as a tool, with people just not being aware of it.

Too, from what you've told us, I'm wondering if really you're truly in a sound space to be dating right now. For example, I think it's really important in a relationship to be able to be assertive and you've told us that you were having difficulties speaking up. What makes it difficult for you, are you scared of the reaction your partner might have, are you scared sometimes that what you'll tell him will disappoint him or make it mad at you, are you afraid of loosing him ?

Too, may I ask if you happen to have any support in your life right now aside from your partner ? Anyone close to you that you could discuss this relationship with and that could also meet your partner or is your current partner pretty much the only support you have in your life right now ?

Also, I was just wondering if sometimes you felt pressure to engage in certains activities with this partner or pressure to do things to please your partner ? Do you sometimes do things you don't really want to do at 100% or aren't totally comfortable doing, just because your partner asked you to do so and you don't want to deceive him ?

[ 12-08-2008, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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cool87
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Too, I just saw that your other post you stated that:

quote:
i love my Master a lot, and though He would never hurt me in excess, He does like to use aflogger, personally, i hate physical pain.
Just know, that a BDSM relationship is about the two partners engaged in that kind of relationship being able to assert their boundaries and state their limits and most importantly, about having those boundaries and limits respected by the other partner. It really isn't about the submissive person doing everything the dominant person is asking her to do, no matter whether that's something she is interested in or not. That's not how that works. You NEVER by any mean should have to endure or accept something you don't want, never.

That really has to be things that you both want at 100%. It really has to go both way and, again, it really isn't about one person doing things to please the other partner only, it has to be things that will pleasure you both. If that is not the case, then I think we're not talking about a BDSM relationship anymore but rather about abuse.

Generally, boundaries are something both you and your partner should have had dicussed together before entering this kind of relationship. Is that something you and your partner have ever done ? Is pain a boundary you've ever discussed with your partner and stated clearly ? If not, then that would be a very important thing to do and if that's not something you feel comfortable doing, then until you feel able to do that, then abstaining from this relationship for now would really be the best thing to do in my mind.

[ 12-08-2008, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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orca
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Kazi, just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How is everything going for you right now? Is there anything you'd like to talk about?

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Kazi
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thank You orca ^^ i'm fine right now, i do have to admit that i was crying earlier because i severely disappointed my Master, but it's fine now ^^ Master and i often have a few confusing moments where my self doubts and such get the best of me, but He always helps me through it.

i just wanted to mention that Master has never used the flogger on me, but He may if i say it is okay. He would never make me do something i don't want to do, and He is constantly helping me get through my problems and learn to deal with the things in my life.

and i do know how to say no (at least to my parents) but when it comes to Master it gets more difficult. and as to the D/s relationship not working if it is ONLY D/s that's not exactly true, a D/s relationship is as valid as any other type of relationship, i am quite happy being Master's pet. there are many types of love, not just the love of equals, but the love i feel for Master as my Master is just as strong as any other.

i am currently living with my mother and my step-father (i hate them both seriously)

as for the support group irl i'm not sure i could find one in my area that would even think of accepting someone like me (more like they'd run to the priest and tell him to convert me back to christianity and sanity) i live in the Black Hills of South Dakota, not many people like me out here i don't think.

the reason i can't seem to tell Him no is that i've always been afraid of pushing people away, always before whenever i start getting attached to anyone they always up and leave me alone. so i'm trying to get over this fear of abandonment so that i can be with Him without always being so scared He'll leave me, and always being such a crybaby and a pushover.

i'm very emotionally sensitive just a teeny little push and i'll fall, i can be as happy as ever but just one look of disdain from a complete stranger can make me hurt real bad in my heart. which leads me to a completely unrelated question:: sometimes when i'm really sad and hurting, my heart will physically ache, it will feel kind of like when i have my panic attacks mixed with what i think a heart attack would feel like. i have no idea why it would feel that way?

and as said before, i'm a virgin, so i have never yet been pressured into doing that with anyone. and if i seriously do NOT want to do something don't worry i won't.

and W/we do make rules as we go along which also include boundaries that W/we discover as we go through O/our relationship.

and if i missed any questions just ask again and i'll answer it kay?


btw does anyone play SL (SecondLife) i do, and it's a great way to learn stuff.

anyways, as you can probly tell by my seemingly bubbly typing thus far, i am in a pretty good mood right now as is usual after a crash for my moodswings(up down up down up down ^^)i have bipolar, don't think i mentioned that yet?? anyways, it migfht also have something to do with the fact that i'm drinking orange soda ^^.

well i guess that's it for now, ttyl ^^

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i'm just me, don't try to change me, don't say i'm wrong living life my own way.

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orca
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I'm glad you're feeling so upbeat. [Smile]

May I ask, though, what the disagreement was earlier with your partner? How do you feel you disappointed him? Also, what made you decide you wanted to be a sub in a D/S relationship all the time rather than part of the time? What do you feel are the benefits of being a sub all the time versus being a sub just in certain aspects of the relationship? Do you feel there are any drawbacks?

Do you have any friends or close family outside your mom and step-father that you feel close to or feel that you could talk to about everything (like your relationship with your mom and step-father, and your relationship with your partner)? Also, are you in school right now or do you work? Something where you are meeting people everyday?

I hope these questions are not overwhelming. Please feel free to take your time with them, and if you are not comfortable talking about the answers here, that's perfectly okay. You might even think about just writing these things down in a journal to look at and think about.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Kazi
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there wasn't really exactly a disagreement more just the fact i had gotten myself into a bit of trouble on the game i play SL that disappointed Him.

i'm not really sure what you mean by sub part of the time, i've never heard of a part time sub except for switches, unless you are speaking of those who are not truly living the lifestyle. it is not just a game we play every now and again, D/s is our life, our way of loving each other.

i can think of no drawbacks whatsoever to living life this way, it is just the way it is and i like it like that ^^.

i've never had any real friends, and the only person that was close to me at all was my sister, and we sort of drifted apart O.o so no, i don't really have anyone right now.

i'm currently in a pre-college program specially for those special ed students no one feels is quite capable of living on their own yet (so yes, i'm in school) but i do also work at a pet resort / doggie daycare.

i think that was everything. but i'll just mention one more thing:: i do realize every D/s relationship recquires a few rules boundaries and what not to keep the people involved safe, i took classes on this when i first started out. the classes taught me quite a bit about safewords and different ways to protect myself from those who would use me for their own gain. so i do know some things, just not everything yet.

i hope this post answers a few of your concerns? i do not wish for anyone to worry themselves over me, i've had a rough life yes, but who here hasn't? i just try to move on and learn to deal with what i can't change and make better what i can ^^.

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i'm just me, don't try to change me, don't say i'm wrong living life my own way.

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