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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Nightmares about my 1st time....

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Author Topic: Nightmares about my 1st time....
Tetris
Neophyte
Member # 33273

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So me and my boyfriend have been dating for over 3 years. We have a strong relationship and I trust him with everything. It took us a year and a half of dating to kiss, and I guess after that everything progressed rather quickly and 6 months later we had sex for the first time. I know I wasn't ready. I thought I was but I wasn't, and it scared me really bad. He wasn't rough or anything, being a virgin too and he realised something was wrong so he stopped and we just hugged for the longest time. I cried for months.

I guess I got over it and we still have sex and I enjoy it! A LOT! But, I keep having nightmares about our first time, just like how it happened, nothing else added, and I wake up crying. I finally told him about 2 months ago about how much it hurt me emotionally and he feels terrible. But the nightmares still didn't go away. They did happen less frequently though.

Am I just crazy? Or will they go away with time?

Posts: 23 | From: Somewhere | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

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You're certainly not crazy, Tetris, although I'm not sure what to say, either. We can become sexually active and later realize we weren't ready for it or feel uncomfortable about it-- it's unfortunate but something to deal with. It sounds like he stopped immediately, doing the right thing. But I'm worried about how you felt so bad about it for so long-- even to this day. Let me ask other moderators about this and get back to you. How's the relationship otherwise?
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tetris
Neophyte
Member # 33273

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Pretty strong now. We finally got though the FIGHT ALL THE TIME ABOUT EVERYTHING phase like 4 months ago.

I guess I felt bad because everyone always tells you to wait and stuff. I got into a big fight with the pastors at my church and have turned agnostic.... maybe I feel guilty about leaving church, not that it ever made me happy. But my boyfriend is pretty religious and sometimes he tells me I need to belong to a church. But hey, I'm agnostic. I love everyone!

Maybe it's a conflict with my morals?

Posts: 23 | From: Somewhere | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

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Even if you don't feel the same way, we're really affected by how we're socialized, i.e. your old pastors' views on sex. I can see how that can get to you. If you're interested in talking about this with a clergymember, since that's your background and something you feel uneasy about, I'd maybe look for a local congregation that's more liberal and accepting. (I would never recommend someone go to church who didn't want to, but a new place might be worth checking out if it's an important part of your life.)

That said, I'm uncomfortable with your boyfriend pressuring you to belong to a church! That's just not cool. Being agnostic is totally fine, just as his being really religious is; but when it comes to telling the other person what to do, it's NOT ok.

Had you been fighting all those years? Since you've been together so long, I wonder if you've been changing aspects of yourself in order to make the relationships work. Compromise in a relationship is important in many ways, but we should never feel like we have to change for any reason. I would guess that might be happening without you realizing it. In terms of your post in the relationship thread, you mention pressure from your friends to "test the waters." Did they go into detail as to why?

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Tetris
Neophyte
Member # 33273

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It's not that he pressures me. He just brings it up sometimes. We only got into like a full blown fight over religion once. Now we talk about it occationally because it's something his family is into so I want to support him.

We only went through that fighting phase for like like 2 months. We had never had an argument before then, so I guess we had it coming.

My friends say I should date other people so I know how to date other guys when I go to college. I guess I'm innocent in relationships because I've only had one boyfriend. I know they like him. It's not like he's been a bad influnce or he changed me.

Posts: 23 | From: Somewhere | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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