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Author Topic: Lonely and confused
Ohana626
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Hi everyone. I'm gonna go right into this, okay? I'm a straight, 17 year old girl. Ever since I can remember, the guys I've been interested in have turned out to be gay, including my current best friend. Now I have great friends and family, but I often feel lonely...lonely for the kind of relationship that I could have with a guy. (I know I know, it'll happen eventually. Knowing that doesn't make me feel any less lonely though) I must make this clear as well: I am attracted to the male body. The female doesn't do anything for me. But once in awhile, I'll get what I call a "girl crush"-usually because the girl is cool or pretty or something like that. It never concerned me that I was a homosexual. But over the past month or so, I've had this girl crush that isn't going away. She's a classmate that I'm friends with, and her personality is amazing and she's, in my opinion, pretty. I enjoy talking with her, and enjoy learning about her. And I don't think I'd be opposed to kissing her if she wanted to, but she is completely straight, so that would never happen. Now, to self-diagnose, I would say that I'm using her as someone safe to like because I know I won't get hurt by her because we're both straight (I'm currently hurting some from liking my best friend, who I have mentioned before is not interested in me) and that I'm using her to make myself feel less lonely. I say all of this because I definitely am not interested in the female body. I just feel very frustrated about my entire situation with all of this. I'm not sure what could be said, but any insight or help would be appreciated. Thank you [Smile]
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Heather
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So, are you saying you feel more like this is a friend-crush than a possible-romantic-interest crush?

Am I also hearing you right that you'd like to start dating, period, and probably men, but feel like you don't have those opportunities?

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Ohana626
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Yes, it feels like I like her just to have a distraction from the guy that I like. But I really do like her, I just think I'm getting the feeling of wanting to be her friend mixed with wanting to be in a relationship.
The problem is that I like my friend who...was gay, but recently told me that he believes he's bi.
I don't like many guys, they're few and kind of far between. To be technical, I could ask this friend of mine out, but the problem is that I'm not attracted to him, and I'm not going to pretend that I am.
So the sum of the problems is that there isn't a straight guy I'm interested in, I still like my best friend, and this girl crush is symptomatic of feeling lonely (or so I think)

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Heather
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Can I ask about your social circle? Have you looked beyond it when it comes to dating? Sometimes we just don't find we meet the kind of people we're attracted to in one peer group or one school.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Well I go to an all-girls school. I'm involved in music and theater, so my friends all come from there. The girl I'm talking about plays the trumpet. All of my friends I met though doing shows at my "brother" school; I met my best friend there too. So over the past year, the amount of friends I have has grown a LOT. I actually have a lot of friends now. The problem is, I don't like many people often. I guess you could call it picky, but it's not like I try to like someone. It just happens. I'm not sure how much more I could branch or where else I could even go to make any more friends than I have now.
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Heather
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What I hear you saying though, is that the people you keep finding you have romantic interest in, if I have this right, are people either unavailable to you, or who you know you'd not pursue dating.

Does that seem right? If it does, have you ever given any thought to if some of your pickiness around this might be around feeling scared of taking risks? Mind, it might not be, it could be about a lot of things.

However, when someone voices feeling very lonely and says they want dating relationships, but voices that no one available to them seems to meet their muster, there's usually some kind of self-sabotaging or kind of chosen isolation going on. Do you know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Well, sometimes I think it is what you say, that I'm just scared to enter a relationship, so I go for guys who, as my mother has said, are "out of my league". However, that's not always the case for me. Yes, I admit I've liked guys I knew that I would never be with, but for others, I really did like them and thought it might be able to work out. As for liking gay guys, I honestly did not know they were gay until way after the fact that I liked them, so in those cases, I didn't like them with the knowledge that I could never be with them.
As for the last point you brought up, it's party true and partly not. There are two guys who I'm friends with who are single, and one even was a whole debate with some of my friends setting me up with him, and my parents and friends wanting me to go out with him, and even him liking me a bit, but I just...I felt nothing towards him in that way. Thinking about kissing him felt almost like obligation, and I didn't feel happy when I thought about it. And even now, a few months later after this whole thing has passed, I'm still friends with him, and I enjoy being his friend, but I have no romantic interest. And this lack of interest is not out of fear; I simply do not like him. So I'm not sure if I'm choosing to be isolated or not, because I certainly don't want to be, but I also don't want to go out with a guy that I'm not attracted to.

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Heather
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For sure, I'd never suggest anyone pursued anything with someone when they didn't have the feelings in alignment with whatever that relationships is.

But too, even if you don't know for sure when someone you're interested in is gay or otherwise unavailable, it's kind of amazing sometimes how we can kind of feel those things out intuitively. Not saying that's what always happens or what has, but it's possible.

So, let's try this this way: you say your social circle has expanded a lot lately. has it expended in a way where you're also meeting a lot of new guys who might be available for dating? If so, how is that going?

If you find you still just don't have any interest in anyone, do you think it's possible that maybe a romantic relationship isn't actually what you're craving? If *that* seems possible, can you maybe try and articulate the feelings of loneliness you're having a bit more? Maybe talk about what it is you feel like you're missing and wanting, and would feel better with?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Sometimes I can tell if a guy is gay, but for two of them that I liked, I truly had no idea.
As for the expansion, it hasn't opened opportunities for dating. The two guys I mentioned earlier I am honestly not interested in (sometimes I'm afraid that I'm doing this to myself, making it hard to be with someone, like...self-inflicted) and the other friends I've made have girlfriends or are too young or are graduating in two weeks.
Is it possible to not have an interest in anyone, but still be lonely for a relationship? Because if that is possible, that's what's happening to me. I have very good friends who are always there when I want to hang out with them or need them for anything, and my family is very normal and loving and all that. But I don't have someone that...cares for me the way a boyfriend could. I'm looking for someone to love me like that, not just as a friend or as a sister.

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Heather
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It's totally possible to have times when we don't have romantic or sexual interest in anyone: it's not like we'll have that interest in just anyone or for anyone who is available, after all. And some people -- they're uncommon, but like 1% uncommon, which is still a lot of people in the world -- find they just don't have those feelings, period. And it's possible to feel either of those ways and still long for an intimate relationship.

Now, maybe someone is longing for an intimate relationship that isn't either of those things, or for that is. And maybe someone is longing for things they think those relationships must or usually do have.

Maybe it might help to try and put words to how you feel a boyfriend could care for you that other people can't or don't?

[ 05-20-2011, 07:39 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Well, this is a little embarrassing to say, because I feel very shallow to say it, but I want someone to be attracted to me. I want someone to want me in that way, but obviously not JUST in that way, because..well, that seems like we'd just be using each other for pleasure. I want someone who's attracted to me to want to be with me. In my mind, a relationship is a friendship with attraction to the other person. I have yet to be in a relationship, however, so I can't totally verify that statement. But when you ask me what I want from a boyfriend that my friends can't give me...well, I'd hope my boyfriend would be just like my best friends, but would be attracted to me and want me as more than just a friend.
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Heather
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I don't think that's shallow, because I don't think our sexuality is shallow. wanting to experience someone else having those feelings for us is very common and can be pretty deep.

Since you express people having those feelings for you you're not interested in, though -- and obviously those folks having those feelings alone isn't taking care of what you want here -- obviously it isn't just that, right?

I do think it might be helpful to keep clear about relationships: there are all kinds, which include platonic friendships or family relationships. When you say "a relationship," I take it you mean a sexual relationship? Or a romantic one?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Well, I have to be attracted to the person as well. Even if he liked me, it wouldn't matter if I didn't like him back. And yes, you're right, there's more to it than just wanting someone to be attracted to me. I want to be attracted to him too, both physically and...emotionally/mentally.
you're correct when I say "relationship" to mean a romantic one. I'm lucky to have family relationships and platonic relationships, and it's just out of habit that I use the word "relationship" to mean a romantic one.

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Heather
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Plenty of people pursue relationships when all of that isn't there, or they're not sure it all is yet. Some people, though, don't want to do things that way, but would rather, say, develop a friendship first and first see if those other things are there and develop, then date.

There's no right or wrong about doing that or not doing that, but when you want to be sure all of that is there before you even start dating, it's usually going to be pretty hard to come by. All of that being there before you even date someone or express that interest yourself is going to likely mean you'll find your opportunities are going to be uncommon.

Again, there's no right set of choices here, it's just about what you want and feel comfortable exploring (or not). It's also obviously something to know all or any of those things are NOT there, without a doubt, and thus not try things out and just not knowing or being totally sure.

[ 05-20-2011, 08:10 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Yes, I am aware that romantic relationships often lack things I mentioned above. The main thing that is necessary though is physical attraction. I don't feel bad saying this, because I do not think that a couple can be together if they do not share a physical attraction. And I do not mean that I have to be with someone who is "hot" by traditional standards. I have been attracted to guys that my friends didn't have the least bit of attraction to. But that attraction is necessary. And I'm not often attracted to guys. Example; there are only about 3 famous people I'm attracted to, as opposed to my friend's 6 or 8.
I'm beginning to think that there's nothing left to say. I don't think that I'm shutting anyone out because of fear. It just feels like there is no one for me right now, and that just makes me feel lonely.

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Heather
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For sure, it might just be that your tastes are more specific or limited than those of your friends. Some of us are broader when it comes to who we find attractive, some of us less so. Again, no rights or wrongs there, just differences.

But by all means, when we want to explore kinds of relationships and what they have to offer and don't have the opportunities we want to do so, it can for sure feel lonely. Mind, attraction often doesn't really fix that, since it doesn't really make us anymore alone, but still.

One thing that can kind of help in situations like this is to do things where at least flirtations can happen, even if you don't all the way feel it or don't pursue anything. Going out dancing or to parties, for instance, where you can kind of have those things in the moment. Does that have any appeal to you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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The problem is that dances and parties don't really have an appeal to me. A few months ago, I was at a party at a friend's house, and it was basically like a school dance-dark with loud music and everyone dancing-only I was friends with almost everyone there, so it was more comfortable. Anyway, my best friend and another friend of mine got me to start dancing with this one guy who I was attracted to (it's past now. we weren't friends, and I think he has a gf now, but that's not the point of the story) I spent most of the night dancing.grinding with him...not talking much, which is what I'm better at-dancing makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like it much. At the time, it was kind of fun, but come the next morning, I felt a little uncomfortable that I did it. It wasn't like me to grind, especially with a random guy I've never met.
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Heather
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So, maybe next time what you know is some of where your limits are around those kinds of interactions? You can certainly flirt without that kind of contact, after all.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Yes, that is true. I don't really know how to flirt though. I also tend to get nervous around new people. It makes it hard sometimes. But mostly the problem here is that I simply don't know how to flirt.
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Heather
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We could certainly talk about flirting, especially since it's actually pretty simple and mostly just boils down to being warm and open, but it's sounding to me like you're voicing, in a few replies now, experiencing social anxiety.

Am I picking up on that correctly?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Yes, a little. It's not to say I'm a social outcast or anything, it's just that I'm not very comfortable around new people. My best friend has a knack for being able to talk to anyone, and I sort of wish I had that, but I just don't like doing it. With people I know, I'm as outgoing as anything, but new people just make me nervous, especially if I want them to like me. Sometimes it's easy; I've been lucky to make quick friends with people who are open and friendly. But sometimes I just feel uncomfortable. For example, I'm going to a school ceremony for a friend tomorrow, but I don't really know anyone who's going to be there, and I'm not close enough with anyone who is to comfortably sit with them. I wish I could be a person who is very outgoing and just says "hey!" to the people I know and sit with them and be friendly, but I just get nervous, especially around strangers, but sometimes even with people I'm acquainted with. Sometimes I feel outgoing and brave, and other times I shy away. It fluctuates.
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