Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » How?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: How?
nina006
Activist
Member # 26273

Icon 7 posted      Profile for nina006     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi, I had an abortion almost 2 years ago.

It has been really hard for me to get over the fear of getting pregnant again... I mean I want to, but not right now.

I guess its time for me to find some help, I would LOVE to go to a therapist but where I live is impossible, nobody knows about my abortion, only me and my boyfriend.

Is incredible how scared I am, obviously I havent had sex for a while, we just have dry sex (both undies and pants on) and even that scares me so much.

Do you know how can I get rid of this horrible fear.

Any comments are very welcome!

Posts: 92 | From: far away from you | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, might we start by looking at how you became pregnant two years ago?

Were you using reliable birth control as directed, and a backup method? Were you engaging in intercourse?

If not (for either), are you doing so now?

I ask this because sometimes it's really helpful to stay grounded in reality: chances are good you were not doing all you could to prevent pregnancy then.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67934 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nina006
Activist
Member # 26273

Icon 1 posted      Profile for nina006     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
well, we were using NO birth control at all, how stupid I know!
and yes, we engaged in intercourse.

I decided not to use birth control because I dont want to have sex untill I feel ready to do so.
Is just that some times we start kissing and hugging (ending up dry humping ) and even that scares me!

[ 11-07-2006, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: nina006 ]

Posts: 92 | From: far away from you | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay.

So, try separating reality from paranoia.

Before, you did EXACTLY what you needed to do to put yourself at the highest risk of pregnancy.

Now, you're not engaging in ANYTHING that presents a risk. Nothing. Nada. These are two totally different situations.

Comparing the two would be akin to me talking about how I got hit by a car while running across the highway, and being fearful I'll be injured exactly the same way while lying in my bed on the second floor of my home.

If, by the way, it makes you feel better to be on a daily method of birth control -- and that's okay by you -- even if you're not sexually active, by all means, do that. There are always health risks to consider, but sometimes we also have to weigh emotional risks in with our physical ones.

Too, you may want to discuss with your partner all aspects of birth control way before the fact if you haven't already, to help you feel those boundaries and clear, and to make sure you're with a partner that is completely in support of you not becoming pregnant, and ready and willing to help you in that endeavor.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67934 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nina006
Activist
Member # 26273

Icon 1 posted      Profile for nina006     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I totally understand the comparison you made, you are so right, that is exactly what my boyfriend has been telling me all this time.

The problem is that after a while the fear comes back.
I mean, right now you just made me feel really good and I know everything is ok... but im pretty sure that in a little while that horrible fear will come back.. you know what I mean?

Posts: 92 | From: far away from you | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Do you have anxiety issues in other areas of your life, or just this one?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67934 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
One other thought: have you ever really been able to talk about your abortion and all your feelings about it?

if you haven't, doing that may help with all this as well.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67934 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nina006
Activist
Member # 26273

Icon 1 posted      Profile for nina006     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I only feel anxiety on this particular issue.... and I talk to my bf everytime I want to.. he is incredible with me by the way!
Posts: 92 | From: far away from you | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, but I meant talking to other people who might have a better understanding, as in people who have had an abortion and might share some of your feelings.

That sort of support and discussion can sometimes make a difference talking about it with those who haven't been there cannot, and that's likely also the case per talking about anxieties about becoming pregnant, too. It's awesome he's supportive, but he can't/hasn't become pregnant or have/had an abortion.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67934 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nina006
Activist
Member # 26273

Icon 1 posted      Profile for nina006     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, as I told you nobody knows about this, I do feel like talking to a therapist but that is just impossible, I would have to go to another city and I cant do that right now , actually that is why I came here hoping to talk to people who has been through the same.
Posts: 92 | From: far away from you | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, let me start and help then? I think something like this, that's this isolated and not that complex really doesn't require a therapist. Obviously, if you want one, this isn't by any means inappropriate to bring to therapy either, though.

First up, you might want to have a look and a chat here, per processing abortion.

I've had moments, too, like you're having, especially in the last year. I know for me, they aren't about having had an abortion -- my abortion wasn't anything physically or emotionally painful for me, and wasn't a big challenge to process. It's just about having become pregnant, more than once, when I did not want to, including once with a birth control failure.

For me as well, it was about not having had male partners for a substantial stretch, and getting effectively spoiled in that same-sex sex, I did not even have to think about pregnancy for an instant, which is really, really nice, especially when you're someone who just really does not want to become pregnant. So, I know I had (and might even still have a little) some resentment going on that my sex life had to be sullied by worrying about this.

Now, I wasn't worrying about hugging or kissing. Flatly, I wasn't worried about anything but intercourse, which isn't even that big a mainstay in my sex life. (I also am of an age and station where hormonal birth control is not an option, which means I'm using other methods, which, albeit safer, used singly ARE less reliable than hormones used correctly.) But for me even to worry about using barrier methods correctly made me feel pretty darn silly: after all, what I do here is my JOB, it has been for years and years, and there are likely few people who know the realities of birth control use and effectiveness like I do, so it's silly, right? Especially since there's EC now, and there was not in most of my life.

That was a short spell for me, basically. I'm pretty much past it. But during the big paranoid times, what I did that helped was to have a handful of pregnancy tests around for my more paranoid moments: I'd worry, I'd just take one. I'd also ask my partner for us to do toher things than intercourse, which is easy-peasy for both of us. We double up our methods. We've talked more than once about the what-ifs, and I know we're in perfect agreement as to what I'd do, without any battles or mixed feelings.

Not sure if that helps, but hopefully you can even take away that while your specific concerns aren't reasonable, it's not silly to be worried about unwanted pregnany. If a 36-year-old lady with far more agency than you, who knows the facts of this stuff up and down is sometimes worried about it, it's not surprisinging a young women is, too. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67934 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3