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Author Topic: depression and other's ignorance (rant...)
Nailo
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I got sooo mad at my classmates today. A few of us were talking about childhood memories, and I mentioned that I remembered things from when I was two years old (I have a really good memory, for most things). One didn't believe me, as I was saying I remembered exact conversations I would have with my best friend, a boy who lived next door.

Then this....classmate.... said something along the lines of "oh, I was expecting you to say something like he would feel you up or something". Then this other....classmate... began saying like "oh, yea, it's like... (in a very not-serious voice) I remember when I was little, my uncle would come to my house and touch me..." (obviously joking) And they were all laughing their heads off!! As if it was a friggin joke that anyone would be molested by a family member!!

Right now as I'm writing this, my heart is beating faster, I hated them so much at that moment. I told them to shut up, and they said "what's wrong? It's not like we're talking about your uncle, we're just fooling around". And I said "I don't care, just shut up". And they were like "oh, why are you so touchy?". I just answered "personal reasons...". I was almost crying. I had to try really really hard not to break down crying or run to the bathroom.

WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE THINK THIS KIND OF THING IS FUNNY?!?!?! This is so disgusting, so aweful... I wanted to punch them all for being such idiots. That was a big trigger to me. What's more, I bet that girl will be telling everyone how much I freaked out and start spreading rumours... not that I care too much though.

Apart from this, I was pretty low yesterday because I took this "checklist" Mz. S gave me for depression and I came out as "moderately depressed". I'm already going to therapy, but I don't know what else to do. I mean... the psychologist can tell me that not everyone's like my dad, that I shouldn't think so lowly of myself... everyone can say they love me... but I don't know how to get that to sink in. I mean...I don't know what I should expect. I can talk, and the psychologist can listen, but I don't know what else I can do in my therapy to make me start feeling better. Because honestly, I can talk and be listened to by people I don't have to pay for... I just really don't know what to do. It's gotten to the point where I get edgy with characters I read about in books that aren't even doing anything wrong, and I still can't look my stepdad in the eye for too long even if he's been nothing but nice to me and my mother always, and respects me a lot... That though I really don't feel like killing myself, I find myself wondering what it'd be like to take a whole bunch of pills, or have a permanent scar...

I know I can do exercise, and that's why I'm trying to get into either swimming, tennis or into a gym (apart from doing Dance Dance Revolution [Wink] ) But I don't know what else to do...it's so hard to keep motivated these days, and I find myself thinking I'm not good enough, and I have bad body image even though my boyfriend always says I'm beautiful and that he loves me just the way I am...

Sometimes I don't even know why I'm like this. Part of it is my body image, a big part is the abuse I've endured pretty much all my life. Also, it's the fact that I know that if I ever said anything about my abuse, my family would NOT support me (this doesn't include my mother, uncle or grandfather). Like, once I didn't want to talk to my dad as he was leaving at a family reunion (and I was actually kinda mean, honestly...but please, put things on a balance!!), and my grandmother's maid was trying to tell me that I had to go and kiss him goodbye. Plus, a cousin of mine, after that incident, has refused to talk to me since. It's just frustrating, I hate them and their "turn the other cheek attitude"... Because though my sexual abuse "has" to remain secret (according to my mother), the emotional abuse is out in the open. Everyone knows, and no one does anything. Once, my grandmother even overheard my dad yelling at my mom that he was going to make my life miserable if I didn't talk to him, and I called her the next day and she said "don't mind him, he's just stressed out because of work" (!). I feel somewhat trapped because i can't speak as openly as I would like. Plus, nothing seems to advance, I keep putting on weight, I'm still depressed, I still get teary because someone makes a stupid joke...I feel like I'm drowning in stagnant water. Also, I still haven't gotten over, and am deeply resentful of my "best friends" who turned their back on me in february and were absolutely horrible to me and verbally abusive (ie, "nobody misses you when you're gone", "we've never liked you, even if you've been going out with us for 2 years", "I don't need you anymore, because now that I don't need to talk about my problems, I don't have anything to talk to you about"... imagine that, going on for 3 hours). Those could all be reasons, but it's also like I've been on a moodswing that's lasted for months. Some of it just seems somewhat hard to explain. It could be a great day, but I could break down crying anyway. Maybe it's like that nickleback song; "something's gotta go wrong, cause I'm feeling way too damn good". Once, when my father was on his longest non-drinking binge, everything seemed ok, and I wasn't crying at least once a month (I've been doing that since I can remember)...and I felt weird. I felt like I had to find reasons to cry, almost.

I don't know what to do...maybe I just need to vent things out, because sometimes I feel that if I keep repeating the same things over and over to my boyfriend (and I don't think he'll get tired of me, but) I think he'll get too sad to and be pulled down with me. Sure,there's other friends, but I don't trust anyone as much as I do him... and since he's one of the only people who knows "the whole story"... I kinda lean on him a lot. I'm not sure what I want out of this thread...maybe just ways to help me feel better, or ideas for my therapy, or ANYTHING really, any feedback, or support, or solidarity...because trust me, I need it. I'm so sick of being depressed...

Note: I DO NOT want to take antidepressants. Like my boyfriend said (he calls me kitty) "I want my kitty, I don't want a Prozac kitty". I want to get better, but naturally, not artificially. Maybe I could read books, but I wouldn't even know what to pick up.

[ 08-11-2006, 06:47 PM: Message edited by: Nailo ]

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jenna D.
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Well, hopefully venting here has helped you a little. I think you were very strong just to post all this here. I can't really relate personally to most - well, almost everything - that you've gone through, but I understand what you mean about leaning on just one person and not wanting to take antidepressants.

I have one good friend, Andy, that I tell everything to, like you do with your boyfriend. Unfortunately, he's an Internet friend, and I find it very very difficult to vent about how I feel or allow myself to be vulnerable in front of my other friends. But I have to accept that he won't always be there - both forever, or every time I need him. One of my goals is to get 2-3 other friends (that I can actually see and sit with and talk) up to a similar level of trust. It's going to be really hard but I think I'm almost there with one person.

And as for the meds - I dunno. I was on Effexor for a while and it bothered me. I don't like the idea of having to take something *every day* to feel "normal" or "okay" or "happy," but I think I would be okay with something that I can take from time to time when I feel particularly anxious (I deal with anxiety more than depression myself). As for books and strategies, you could ask your counsellor for recommendations.

Anyway, that's my feedback... If you want support or solidarity, just let me know. :-)

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Djuna
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Firstly, I really appreciate how difficult it must have been for you to post this, and it's great that you did because it's really important to talk to someone about this. Which is the main reason that your mother's rule about how this 'must stay secret' is really unfair and wrong.
This is going to sound really strange, but please read on because I'll explain myself. Try to see the innocent side to all of this. Try to find the joke. The joke about you and your best friend touching each other up at 2 would be funny to most people, although I sense that bit probably wasn't a problem to you. The 'joke' about someone's uncle touching them up wasn't funny at all, and that's obviously just a sick sense of humour at work. But if you hadn't had the experiences you've had, you'd have probably not been as bothered by it, at most you might have just said it really wasn't funny.
If you can talk to the person who made the joke in confidence (basically if it's someone you can trust) it might be an idea to quietly let them know why the joke wasn't funny. Of course if you're not 100% sure you can trust them, don't because you may well find that rumours will spread.
If you're boyfriend goes to your high school / college, then maybe he could have a word with the person that made the joke, if that would be any better.
Basically, you have to remember that no-one knows what has happened to you, and the likelihood is that this person would be horrified that they had made this joke if they knew why it offended you.
If you can't handle telling anyone the facts (and I know I almost certainly couldn't unless this person was a close friend), then you could perhaps say to them a close friend from your junior school or something (basically someone no-one would know, and don't name names) had been abused as a child, and as a result you know how horrific it is. I'm guessing that it was a guy who made th joke by the nature of what they said, and being a guy I can tell you that we will swallow pretty much anything you tell us, so don't be worried he'll see through the story.
It's really important above all that he knows he shouldn't make those jokes any more.
As for depression? I know you play piano, and that can be a good place to start. You probably have songs you play that make you feel great, and if you can manage it it's worth sort of half-meditating as you play them, just losing yourself in happy thoughts. It takes a while to get the hang of though.
Another depression-beating technique that could be useful is the 'three blessings' thing. Each day, write down three things you are happy about, however small. Keep them all together in a book and date them so you can read through them all when you're feeling really down.
I know you've said before about how you can really talk to your boyfriend, so I suppose you talk about this with him already, and that's good too. It's really improtant to have someone to talk to.
Finally, your family really should take some of the blame here. They have no right at all to force you to have some kind of father-daughter relationship. Your grandmother's maid saying you had to kiss your dad good-bye is appalling, and you need to tell your mum that the 'secret' rule is unfair to you. Basically, I think you need to make it clear to them that whether or not you have anything to do with your father at all is your decision now, and that they have to let you deal with this your way.
I'm sorry this was so long, but at any rate I really hope some of this helps. And when your boyfriend says you're beautiful, remember that you are loved, and smile.

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nailo
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Joseph: unfortunately, no, the people who made the jokes (and no, it was both a boy and a girl- I don't think your generalization is really fair here...) are certainely NOT people I can talk to in confidence. And my boyfriend is in college, and I'm still in highschool. Most people in my grade have never even talked to him. So I can't tell him to talk to them for me.

quote:
Basically, you have to remember that no-one knows what has happened to you
Really? If they know or not doesn't take the disgusting bit out of the fact that they were cracking up about people who are sexually abused. It's not a point of who they're making the joke to, it's the fact that they're so sick as to laugh about things as horrible and life-altering as that. To be blunt, no, I DO NOT find the joke in this. Quite possibly, if nothing of this would have happened to me, I would still have found that "joke" absolutely disgusting. (And people have told me that I have to socialize with them, because it's "the right thing to do"... right).

Actually, the above is one of the many things those horrible "friends" of mine told me; that "since I'm really immature, I should stop faking things by hanging out with older people like them, and instead hang out with my classmates". Note,that they had never even met my classmates.

In any case... one of my real friends has a band, and they'll be performing on thursday night. Possibly... those "people" are going to be there, since they're friends of the guitarrist. I want to go to the concert, but I don't feel strong enough to see them yet... What do people here think? Should I risk it, or am I overreacting because I don't want to see them, even if I can be with other people and even if it's been 6 months?

Thanks a lot for the input guys [Smile] . But if possible, I would still really really appreciate ways to approach this situation with my psychologist. I can tell her and she can listen, but then what? Is there any specific ways therapy is conducted for cases like mine?

Things are starting to lose their value so quickly to me. Sometimes I'm even annoyed beyond reason with my best friends, or with my music...with life, basically. My boyfriend was trying to comfort me last night, trying to tell me that life is worth living, and that things will get better; all I have to do is convince myself that I'll be better if I set my mind to it, and not give up. He told me that once I convince myself of that, and keep trying, things will be better soon, and that to remind myself that I am someone worth while. I'm trying, but sometimes it's so hard to do that, and so easy just to give up...

I asked him why he loves me, and he said "should I make a list?". So that's pretty much what I asked him to do. He has trouble expressing himself, but I asked him to write down, as best as he could, why he loves me, so I can have it and I can look at it when I'm feeling down. Also, if he does that it'll mean a lot to me, because I know how hard it is for him to put his feelings into words. Hopefully, if he does that for me, I'll feel better, because I can remind myself whenever I need it that I have someone worth living for and worth being better for.

What do you all think?

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
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Nailo, I'm really sorry. Obviously I got this way wrong.
I didn't mean that the joke is funny, and we're both disgusted that people could find this funny. What I meant was that they aren't aware of your experiences. They're not meaning to offend you in particular. Not that that's any kind of excuse for it.
I don't know enough about how your ex-friends and your classmates treat you to know if it amounts to bullying (remember relatively little bullying is physical) or not. But it's in that vein at least, and the only advice I can offer is that from 3-4 years' experience of being bullied, I've learnt some 'survival techniques', for want of a better word. Unfortunately the main one was growing to be 2ft taller than the bullies [Smile] , but I have a few more.
Firstly, it seems strange to me that there's absolutely no-one that's any kind of nice to you in your class. Is there anyone who's just kind of quiet? Because there could be a good friend there you never found yet. You never know.
Secondly, I found that if I could get from where I was initially (severe depression) to a little bit happier, things got a bit better - ie I found I got on with people better. Why I honestly don't know. But then because of this I got happier, and things got better still... and the cycle went on to now, when I'm perfectly happy really.
So the problem is how to be happy. This list your boyfriend is writing sounds great, and the 'three blessings' thing I talked about was recommended by a psychiatrist. Apart from that, keep trying with meditation, because after a lot of practice it WILL help (trust me [Wink] ). Also exposing yourself to as many happy stimuli as possible is a big one. Happy books (probably comedy ones, I'd recommend the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams), happy films (Pirates Of The Caribbean, A Lot Like Love), and happy music (Gavin deGraw) will all help. Also check out this poem:
http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=23;t=000386;p=1
As for your older friends, do they know your boyfriend? If so, he could have a word. I've spent most of my life with people older than me, because I was accelerated a year at school, and it's true, maturity is a big issue you have to face. But maybe think if there's anything you could change about the way you act (don't get me wrong, they're jerks for what they said, and you don't seem immature at all to me, but it'll be far easier in the long run for you if you can 'mature' yourself a couple of years. [Smile]
Your friend's show sounds like a really good idea. If there's no-one else who's your friend who's coming, try to be at the front while he's playing so that you're not really alone. But trust me, I know: letting horrible people stop you from hanging out with your friends is a BIG step in the wrong direction.
I don't have much experience with psychologists, I'm afraid. In fact I myself don't see how they help at all, but I know different things work for different people. So someone else will have to post something about that, because I wouldn't know. Sorry. [Smile]
As for generalizing, sorry, but as it was I kept getting mixed up and making typos where I'd already put 'he' or 'she' instead of 'they', so I picked one and hoped really. I appreciate that was unfair, and I'll definitely make the effort to make sure I use 'they' in future.
So anyway, I hope this helps a bit. And remember, if you ever need to talk about anything, I'm here, and I know there are lots of people here who really care about helping you out too. [Smile]

[ 08-15-2006, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: smileyjoseph ]

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nailo
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(Pirates of the Carribean is a great movie [Wink] Can't wait to watch the 3rd one)

My older friends are great :S There really is no reason my boyfriend should "have a word with them". I had trouble with those horrible people (who I haven't seen in months), and they just happened to be older. As for my classmates, most of them are morons (like one of them today said "oh, those poor guys who get their cars taken away because of drunk driving... they worked their whole life to get those cars and then they get it taken away just because of a drinking problem?" .... ugh), and a couple did harrass me for a while, but they stopped when I said it bothered me. Other than that, they really don't bully me, I just don't get along with them. Though I do have a couple of friends there, and a few are actually pretty nice.

"you don't seem immature at all to me, but it'll be far easier in the long run for you if you can 'mature' yourself a couple of years."

You do realize your contradicting yourself here a little? Honestly, I think I don't have any need to "mature myself" any faster than I need to, for anyone's sake. I think I'm mature enough as it is for my own liking, and my level of maturity has never been a problem to me, thank you very much. The only people who have ever complained about it have been those people who have abused me. Really, I don't need to live up to anyone's standards, least of all theirs and especially if I'm perfectly ok with my way of thinking.

I know you have good intentions, and I really appreciate your input, but please think a little more of what you're typing because it can be seriously missunderstood...

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
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Sorry, I am contradicting myself there. You are obviously a very mature person, I'm not sure what I meant really. I've often said something and thought "Ooh - did that sound immature?" and then when people have said I'm immature sometimes, I've made a mental note that that would be a good thing to not do in future. Do you know what I mean?
Obviously this isn't relevant to you, I was just trying to think of what I'd done faced by a similar problem.
I'm sorry if I've offended you a few times on this thread, I haven't meant to. I'm not really very good with words, I find it hard to get what I'm trying to say across the way I meant. Sorry.
At any rate, I hope some of the stuff here has helped. You certainly seem a bit happier in this latest post than you did at the start of the thread, so I hope that means things are working out better. [Smile]

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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