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Author Topic: I think I need some help with this
nixieGurl
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Hey,

Its been quite a while since I have posted here. Im so glad this place is here, I dont know who else to turn to for this, it feels like noone around me understands. Well since the last time I wrote, I moved out of the village I lived in and into the city with some friends, and I have been seeing a really fantastic guy. We have waited a long time before we did anything sexual together and before I was with him I hadnt had sex since the last time I wrote here. I wanted to let myself heal up a bit and get my life back on track.

Well this last weekend, he was staying over for the night at my place, which he had done before so many times, we usually just didnt have any sex or anything apart form making out. Well this time, we hadnt discussed it or anything but it just kinda happened. It was really good in the beginning, with oral sex and manual sex and everything, which I thought was such a huge thing for me, because i usually hate it if I am even touched down there anymore because of being abused and it just freaks me out. I was doing ok, and I had even had an orgasm which I usually cant have because I am too frightened too, and then when he put his penis inside me, all of a sudden i was like instantly really scared. I could barely breathe and I had to get up and leave and I just started crying.

I dont even know why [Frown] I was just so scared. I thought I was normal again, I thought I had finally beaten this thing and then it comes back like that. I feel so stupid. I feel like I have been trying so hard for all this time to get here and its all just a waste of time because I will never be better. I hate myself right now. Its not just because of what happened, I guess that just made it all seem so useless. Im sorry if this is not making sense. I am just so down I dont know if I can go through it all again for nothing. Will I ever forget about what happened to me? [Confused]

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logic_grrl
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Okay, first of all: what you're describing is absolutely typical for rape and abuse survivors.

It's not "stupid" at all - that's how trauma can affect people.

I feel like I have been trying so hard for all this time to get here and its all just a waste of time because I will never be better.

Not true at all.

It sounds like you've accomplished a whole lot since you last posted: you've successfully moved out (which is a huge thing to deal with), you've been able to assert your boundaries in this new relationship and take your time, and you were able to enjoy some sexual activities on your own terms. That's a lot!

But you're right to think that getting some outside help, maybe from a counsellor or support group, can really make a difference. You won't ever "forget" what happened, but you can heal and recover from the trauma.

Have you told your boyfriend that you're a survivor? If he knows, then he won't be confused by your reactions, and hopefully he can help support you too.

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"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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cool87
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quote:
I dont even know why I was just so scared. I thought I was normal again, I thought I had finally beaten this thing and then it comes back like that.
The key is taking small steps and just know that you're allowed to take a step back some times. This doesn't mean you're not getting there at all. You'll get there even if you take some steps back. It really doesn't mean you're regressing.

It's normal what happened to you like logic_grrl said. It's difficult to stop and say to yourself in those situations: hey it's not a rape that's happening right now, it's my boyfriend and he's not a rapist when you keep getting flashbacks in your mind. But you'll eventually be able to do it.

How much time it takes to get over a rape ? It's really subjective, it depends on people and the rape. It sometimes takes years and years to get past a rape. It's really difficult. But over the years, you'll get less and less flashbacks and you'll get to a point where you'll be having flashback like only once a year or will get no flashbacks at all. Ask Miz SCarlet. You'll get there eventually, stay positive.

[ 07-31-2006, 11:10 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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nixieGurl
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This morning my boyfriend came over again. I was really upset at myself and feeling bad for him that I couldnt do i the other night, so when he asked if we could have sex now, I said yes. We did take our time, and we made sure I was relaxed again. This time when he entered me I started to get the feeling like I couldnt breathe again and I started to get really scared. I let him keep doing it though because I was scared to freak out in front of him again, I dont know why. Then not too long after he first started to have sex with me I started to get really sharp pains in my vagina and I ended up having to stop as soon as he finished and I went to the bathroom and there was alot of blood. I looked and it looks like there is a tear down there. I am not too concerned about that. The thing is I feel sick. I havnt been able to stop shaking since he first started to have sex with me. I feel so sick inside, I feel like I have let myself be raped all over again and it was not rape at all. I love him so much and I hate that I am doing this to him. Im so upset and down, I just want to not wake up anymore. I still have to see the man who raped me everyday because he comes to my work and he follows me around. Just last week when I locked up by myself he was waiting for me again and when I walked to my car he got me again and it happened all over again. That time I told someone. They told me not to tell anyone because it will be worse to go through all of the process with the police and court and all than just letting it go. And I guess they are right.

I just havnt been able to make these feelings go away. Im sorry, I just so needed to talk right now. To people who understand. Noone else seems to get it.

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-Lauren-
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First of all, I'm very sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. It must be awful to be in contact with your attacker, in addition to trying to progress in a new relationship.

It's not all that uncommon for rape survivors to want sex with their significant others soon after a rape; some see it as a way to experience intercourse as it's "supposed to be"-- to create good memories of sex to try to neutralize the effects of their attack. What you're describing is very understandable, and your feelings 100% valid.

It would likely be best to put sex off for a good, long while. I know how desperate you are to progress in this relationship with a man you love, but not at a physical and mental risk to yourself. Why not stick to manual/oral sex, which you have said you've enjoyed? That can be just as, or more, fulfilling than intercourse. As logic_grrl pointed out, progressing that much alone is a huge step.

Your boyfriend should come to understand that sex is a no-go for now, and should be on standby until you feel ready to initiate. I mirror logic's question; have you told him about your attacks? That could definately clear the air as to your reactions.

quote:
That time I told someone. They told me not to tell anyone because it will be worse to go through all of the process with the police and court and all than just letting it go. And I guess they are right.
No, they are NOT right. This scumbag is following you around, repeatedly harassing you, and even attacked you again. You can't allow that. He will keep doing this as long as he knows that you won't do anything about it. I'd highly encourage you to contact the police. If you decide that you don't want to/can't report him, maybe look for work elsewhere? Catch a ride with a co-worker or friend? Do whatever you can to avoid being alone at the places he follows you.

quote:
I just havnt been able to make these feelings go away. Im sorry, I just so needed to talk right now. To people who understand. Noone else seems to get it.
Don't apologize. Sexual assault is an awful thing to overcome, especially when you feel so alone. This is always a place you can turn to. Everybody wouldn't be here if they didn't like to help. Like has been said, it will be a long, tough road, but it'll get easier. I know you'll be able to overcome this eventually.

(Just as a side note: if you have any persistant pain/bleeding from sex the other night, make sure to get to a doctor. Sharp, stabbing pains with a good amount of blood doesn't sound very pleasant, or normal, at all.)

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cool87
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Sweetie, I do how hard it must be for you, really. Your body was telling you the last time you try to have sex that you were not ready. It was a warning. But you did it. I understand why. I'm not judging you here because judgement is the last thing you want right now. I'm just trying to help. You wanted to prove yourself that you were able to have sex even if you just gotten over a rape.

But there's no need to do that. You have to take all the time you need. And it takes time for most people. Did it felt good ? Since you were not ready to have sex, I guess it wasn't good and you were tensed right ? Did your boyfriend know it ? Why didn't your boyfriend stopped when you started panicking and got scared ? For me, a good caring boyfriend would have stopped even if you told him it was alright. There's no point in having sex with a person who doesn't like it. Also, does he put pressure on you ? Does he know you just gotten over a rape ? If so, why does he asks you to have sex when you just gotten over a rape ?

You don't owe him anything. He's got two hands if he gets impatient. So make sure next time you do it, that you really want to, alright ? Sex will be way better that way for you and your boyfriend.

[ 08-01-2006, 06:28 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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nixieGurl
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Hey,

I havnt told him about it, I didnt want to scare him away. I know he has figured out something happened. He just doesnt know any details right now. And he hasnt asked me to tell him. He is a great guy, he wouldnt do anything that I asked him not to do or anything like that. The reason he kept going is that I was trying to act like I wasnt freaking out, he asked me a couple of times and I just nodded that I was ok, he wasnt trying to hurt me.

I just feel so gross and discusting and I dont want him to feel that way about me too. I dont think I could handle that right now. I feel like I am right on the edge at the moment. I havnt felt like this in a long while, and that scares me so much.

I dont know if I have the strength right now to do anything. I just want it all out of my head, and I know you have told me before that wont happen, I just dont know what else to wish for, because I feel like I have tried it all. Everytime I see this guy, or he looks at me or speaks, I feel sick, I feel gross and dirty. And then I get terrified that he will be waiting again to hurt me. Even when I know he wont be there, I still feel scared and sick.

Thanks for being here, I needed to get some of that out.

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Heather
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Nixie, I have to go take care of a friend today, but I just wanted to take a moment to mention two things, both of which may be obvious.

1) Pretty clearly, it's too soon for intercourse for you. I'd suggest you stick with what you know does feel good, does feel safe, does leave you feeling good about yourself and does NOT trigger you. If you don't feel ready to address your abuse with your partner (and at this point, it sounds like it's something to consider, it might be really beneficial for you both), you can simply make clear that you just don't feel ready. Suffice it to say, since you have just been attacked again, you will likely need some time away from sex, period.

2) I really want you to consider reporting this guy. Please. By not doing so, you are continuing to keep yourself in danger. What he is doing is not your fault, absolutely, however, while I understand that it's a scary prospect to report, you have GOT to do something to protect yourself instead of leaving yourself wide open to further harassment, stalking, and attacks. You NEED to keep yourself safe. Ten bucks says the person who told you that hadn't been through one or both of those processes, and can't understand what you're living with. They gave you really poor advice. Think about it: HOW could it be worse, especially when just "letting it go" isn't an option?

Too, in reporting, you can also hook yourself up, most likely, with some counseling services. I really feel that is vital for you: you're very clearly in need.

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nixieGurl
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Im scared to tell, what if noone believes me? What if noone believes me and then he finds out I told? I dont have the strength to go through all that. The thing I cant understand is why I keep getting hurt like this if its not something that I have done. It must be my fault. Otherwise why do these guys just choose me. I dont get it.

I have been to counseling. I went for a long time. We talked about it all. I found it really really tough. But I still went. I have been putting my whole heart into getting better, I havnt just been expecting it to happen. Thats why this whole thing is just so upsetting for me. I know it sounds stupid, but I have worked really hard to get to where I am even now. I know it doesnt seem much, but I really have tried hard. I know of course that Im not the only one who has been through this. I know many of you have and you Miz Scarlet, and I know Im not handling it as wel as you all did, I really admire you for how you recovered from this. I wish I had the same strength. In all honesty, I dont know how you did it and came out of it so well.

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cool87
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quote:
I still have to see the man who raped me everyday because he comes to my work and he follows me around. Just last week when I locked up by myself he was waiting for me again and when I walked to my car he got me again and it happened all over again.
I totally freaked out when I read that. I was so chocked to find out this guy is still around you. I was freaked out that you did nothing about it, freaked out you let yourself be raped again by the same men. Because you know what ? You're in power now. You're in power to decide whether or not you want to be rape again, yes you are. If you do not want to, you have to report him other than that, if you don't, he'll do all over again each time he gets the chance to.

Don't think this man will stop. It's pretty sure he will rape you your entire life if you don't do something about it. And don't tell me you can't ? I do you can. Every one can and.

You're putting yourself in danger not by reporting him but by not reporting him. Really, it's so hard to believe that, I agree with you. Almost everyone who got raped thinks this isn't the best thing to do at first becasue they're scared of going to the police, they think it will make things even worse when it fact it really doesn't. Is just takes a little time before realizing that. You might think I don't even know what I'm talking about, that I don't know how difficult it can be. I know how hard it is, really. I also know reporting him is the best you can do to yourself. And Miz Scarlet told you that too. She experienced rape herself and not just once, so she knows what she's talking about.

And we're here to help you. We're not here to put you in danger. If we tell you you should report that to the police that's because that's the best thing to do in your case.Really.

How many people do you need to tell you that in order for you to report him ? Don't wait until you can't support this anymore. Just go now.

Really, ask raped people the best thing they've done and they would propably tell you that it is reporting their attacker. They'll tell you how relieved and free they felt after that. Others before you have been able to report their rapist so I don't know why you wouldn't.You're not an exception.

And I know you're even stronger than some people. Look how much you've improved, grown up since the first rape. You've been able to move one. You've gone pretty far since then. Do you want to go back to the beginning and start all over again ? I don't think so. No one would. But you have to report him in order of this not happening to you.

I know you maybe are telling yourself What if I get rape all over again ? I already lost everything, my life is already broken, there's nothing more to loose.But there is. But do you what your life to be even more miserable ? Do you want to have flashbacks of more than one rape ? Do you want tontinue to live your life as hell ? Having someone raping you every day or so ?


Really. Just listen to us. Gather up your courage and go. If you need help on that just ask me. You can ask your friend to go with you. There's plenty of people to support you. But first, it is really important to realize that that's the thing to do. Once you've understand that, it will be easier to find that strenght in you. I can help you find it if you want. But just tell me, do you realize now how important it is for you to report him ? Are you now thinking about doing so ? You've asked you for advice and that's the best advice we can give you. Take it or leave it. But really, I stronlgy suggest you to take it, that's the best thing you can do for yourself.

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cool87
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quote:
I know many of you have and you Miz Scarlet, and I know I'm not handling it as wel as you all did, I really admire you for how you recovered from this
I hadn't seen your post before posting mine.

Miz Scarlet is like a lot older than you are
(she's in her 30s and got rape at a young age), so it's normal she's almost recovered from this now. Don't compare yourself to her, there's no point of comparaison. You'll eventually recover for that too. It takes time.

quote:
Im scared to tell, what if noone believes me? What if noone believes me and then he finds out I told?
You know, you say it yourself.That's just what if. But what if the police do believe you ? Honestly, you can't say whether something will work or not unless you actually try it. And you have nothing to loose trying it, really. You'll just benefit from it.

And just know that the police will believe you. They're not gotta take what you will say lightly. You're life is in danger, girl ! They will do something about it, for sure. They do not play with things like that.

And what if he finds out you told the police ? Then, you'll have other people supporting you, helping you and protecting you from anything he's gonna attempt. You'll be protected way more than you are right now. But really, there's a great chance he won't have time to attempt anything on you if you report him. The police won't let him time.


quote:
I dont have the strength to go through all that.
I know it's hard to admit we have the strenght to go through that. But it is indeed true. Every one has it. You just got to find it. It's so easy not being able to find it when we actually tell ourselves we don't have it.It's like when you just tell yourself you won't be able to do this, it is actually even harder to do it. That's what happens when you tell yourself you can't do something.Instead of spending your time saying to yourself that you don't have the strenght needed to go through just try to find it. It will be time better spend. Tell yourself you you're able to instead.

quote:
The thing I cant understand is why I keep getting hurt like this if its not something that I have done. It must be my fault. Otherwise why do these guys just choose me. I dont get it.
I don't know how much I can say it. Almost everyone who got raped think it is their fault. It is not your fault no matter what happened, no matter how much you think it is, no matter the circumstances. It is never your fault. It is your rapist's fault. He did that not because of you, he did that because of him, because he's like that. Really, don't ever believe it's your fault because it never it no matter what. Why he chosed you ? I don't know. Because you're vulnerable ? But the thing is how you are really doesn't give him the right to rape you nor does it make it your fault. Really, did you chose to be vulnerable ? It is his choice to rape you and you got nothing to do with it.You don't have to find a reason to why he raped you. The only reason is himself alone.


quote:
I have been to counseling. I went for a long time. We talked about it all. I found it really really tough. But I still went. I have been putting my whole heart into getting better, I havnt just been expecting it to happen. Thats why this whole thing is just so upsetting for me. I know it sounds stupid, but I have worked really hard to get to where I am even now. I know it doesnt seem much, but I really have tried hard.
I'm really proud of you you went. Really really proud. You know that's things like that that shows you how much you're improving. You might not actually see it but I do and I'm not the only one who does.Logic_grrl does also. That must be because it's true. And recovering takes time. You can't expect a miracle. It goes by small steps. Small steps that you don't really notice but will notice eventually. There's days you'll find you're improving, other days when you'll find you aren't, you'll find that you're more like regressing. But it is progress anyway. Every mistakes we make is a chance to learn and grow. At every mistake you make, you learn something that doesn't work. So you don't make the same mistake again.

quote:
I really admire you for how you recovered from this. I wish I had the same strength.
How do I know this feeling ! I know it so well. I used to always say something like that. I used to look at others and say I wish I was like her, I wish I had that, I wish I was as lucky as this person. I used to say that and I think plenty others used to also. But the thing is if one person's got something, why can't we also ? You're also able to get through that. All you need is taking a move, all you need is going at it with all you've got. Don't spend your life admire what people got, you'll be miserable. Go for it. You're able to get through it also. They don't have super power don't you don't have. They are just as humans as you are. What makes a difference now between you and them is that they did something about their situation, they gathered up their courage and reported their abuser. That's their secret. They were as scared as you but they went for it even if they were because it was for the best.

[ 08-01-2006, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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Nixie, I just found this, and again, unfortunately, it's caught me at a bad time.

But I wanted to say somethiong to you, have you hear it, just so you can feel what it is.

We believe you.

WE BELIEVE YOU.


feel that a little, okay? Let it sink in.

No, people will not always believe us. It's terrible, but it's true. But if you can get to a point where you know you ARE believed in places you go, it can be easier to brace yourself for times when others may not.

But in this case? You're still endangered. In the off-chance any one officer doesn't believe you (in which case, likely others will), that's a far smaller risk than continuing to risk being stalked and raped again. But with someone like this, chances are (sadly) good, you're not the only victim of his out there. Rapists tend to repeat, and rape more than one person, more than once.

This is not your fault. This is the fault of someone who repeatedly victimizes you because he knows he can get away with it. This is the fault of the man doing it, and the fault of the man capitalizing on your silence.

Prove him WRONG, nixie. You can do that, you can. I want that so much for you. Is there someone who could go with you to file a report?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I asked my friend tonight, the one who told me not to tell on him, I asked her why she told me not to. I wanted to get her opinion, I wanted to see why she didnt want me to tell. She said it was because she figured that I had made him angry enough to do it.

She said even if I told then they would find out what I had done. I didnt do anything to make him mad, I mean not that I know of anyway. I cant think of anything. How do I report him if I cant prove he raped me? Im scared that everyone is gonna think like my friend did that I did it and I didnt. I never ever wanted this. I hate this more than anything. She said that it would make my mum really sick and she wouldnt live through it if I told because the stress is just too much for the family. I cant do that to my family. Right now, I just want to be able to get some sleep. I just want to be able to eat and not throw up and I just want to be able to have sex with my boyfriend without freaking out. Once I have settled down a little bit, and got myself together, then I guess I could tell. I just need to get stronger. Coming here helps.

Im sorry if this is frustrating you, I am listening to you, I promise. And I will do what you say. I just need time, I need to deal with all the things in my head. I started cutting alot lately, and I need to find something else to do. Im most scared of myself, than anyone else. Of being left with my own thoughts. I cant sleep or I will have nightmares and wake up and just wanna hurt myself so bad. So Im up now, at 2:30am trying my best to keep my hands and mind busy.

nixie

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-Firefly-
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Nixie,

I just wanted to tell you that I think your friend is wrong. I believe you whole-heartedly when you say that you did not make him angry. It is not at all your fault that you were raped, and I just cannot comprehend why your friend would say such things. She obviously does not understand what you're going through.

Also, you don't have to apologize for anything. We're all here to support you, in any way we can. Please don't be afraid to post about your thoughts and feelings. You can use this forum as an outlet, instead of resorting to cutting yourself.

Be strong. We're 100% behind you in this.

[ 08-04-2006, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: blysse_norwood ]

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Heather
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Your friend is far less informed about rape and sexual violence than are officers, lawyers and the counselors who handle this.

No one has to make a rapist angry to incite rape. My great-grandmother, at the age of 76, was just sitting in her home alone when her rapist broke in, raped and murdered her. I was simply, before my assault at 12, cleaning up the camproom where I was a junior counselor. All I did was politely refuse a ride home.

Rape victims do not control or dictate the actions of rapists. Would that we could.

This isn't an issue of frustration. It's an issue of serious concern because you continue to be endangered and continue to be abused by this man, as might others.

I wish I knew the magic words to say to you for you to see that while I understand feeling that way, it isn't sensible to try and protect your family by being stalked and raped. You're part of your family. This is happening to you. You are living in fear, validly, because you are in danger.

I don't mean to scare you, but consider how your family might feel to have to come see you in the hospital if this guy keeps up, and discovers that you could have taken steps to protect yourself, but did not out of concern for them. A caring family? THAT is what would make them feel sick.

Have you talked to the counselor about reporting? It's bound to be a lot more helpful than talking to uninformed friends.

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Heather
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quote:
I was freaked out that you did nothing about it, freaked out you let yourself be raped again by the same men. Because you know what ? You're in power now. You're in power to decide whether or not you want to be rape again, yes you are.
Please remember that none of us "let" ourselves "get raped," nor is being raped more than once about "wanting" to be raped again. No one wants to be raped in the first place, no one wants to be raped again.

Not feeling up to reporting isn't about that either: the reporting process is often very difficult, and it's a gamble sometimes as to whether or not it will work. If you follow nixie's story back to her first posts, too, you will see why in her case, it's a very complex situation: this man is a close friend of her family. He is not a stranger to her or anyone.

I'm fairly sure you didn't intend to blame the victim here, but words like this are doing just that, so do be mindful when you're posting to rape survivors, please.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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nixieGurl
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If I report it, what do they do to him? Do they put him into jail straight away or is he out untill they find him guilty or whatever. Because I am really scared about that.

I dont have the most understanding family, I wish I did, but unfortunatly they just dont believe in alking about feelings or anything like that. Thats why I struggle there.

If there are others who have been hurt, just the thought of that makes me feel physically ill, I dont want to be the reason that some little girl has been hurt by him or something, I think of that everyday. But if there are others who have been hurt, I dont know what I would do. I feel so responsible for them. I hate him so so much.

Because Im over 18 could I tell without my parents knowing or being involved. I dont want them to be involved at all. I cant let them be. They will be so angry with me and the wont believe me, thye like this man.

This is so hard [Frown] I have so many thoughts going through my head. I feel so sick from this. The thing is I dont know if I will feel better if I tell, and the reason that scares me is I am trying so hard to just keep myself alove right now. If reporting is as hard as I have been told and seen, I dont think I can do it, I am so close to giving up right now.

I guess I will just have to find out though [Frown] I dont think being raped again will be any easier than reporting right? I know one thing, I will need this place more than ever. I am so so thankful for this site, you would not believe how much.

I dont even know where to start, I guess I could call my counselor and get her to help me do it? What do you think? Im so scared Im shaking already.

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Monotonous
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First of all, I want to commend you whole-heartedly on having enough courage to come out to us throught Scarleteen, and I want to try and support you any way I can.

I think your idea of talking to your counselor first to help you through it is a great one, especially from how weak you've been feeling lately. I would also, like the others, recommend telling your boyfriend about this, because he loves you and he would surely want to know. Anyone who would leave you for being raped was not worth being with in the first place, trust me.

I understand how scared you're feeling right now, hun, and I just want to tell you I care and I'm here for you.

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Ecofem
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Your counselor would definitely be someone to go to. I'm not very knowledgeable as to rape laws in New Zealand, but I'm guessing there are also "victims' advocates" there, too. They are often local volunteers trained to offer both emotional support and legal advice (for free) during all steps along the way. Your counselor could probably make recommendations, but I'd be glad to look it up online if you tell me your city/province. (I think you've said places before, but you've moved back and forth?)

nixieGurl, this is a huge step, and no easy one at that. Congratulations for feeling strong enough to make it! I'm sorry your family isn't more supportive, but there are many people out who do.

[ 08-05-2006, 10:49 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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nixieGurl
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Hey,

I am going to see my counselor in the morning. I didnt tell her what it is we were gonna talk about, In case I changed my mind before that. Im not gonna go and report tomorrow, I dont wanna rush and do it I need to find out some more first. And I need someone to be there with me when I do it. I tried to look it up myself but the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe if someone is there it will be easier. I know people do this everyday, but yet I feel so alone in this. And I feel so pathetic in how Im dealing, or not dealing with it I guess.

Im so scared to even talk to the counselor in the morning. I dont know if I am doing the right thing, if I will even make it through all this. I have been on the edge of a huge anxiety attack all evening (anyone have any ideas of how to get rid of those? I am trying hard not to cut but it seems to be the only thing I can think of right now). This is something I have tried to block out of my mind for years and all of a sudden other people know about it, and even more people are gonna know about it, people I have to see everyday. I just dont know if I am doing the right thing. Im so scared [Frown]

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cool87
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Yes, NixieGurl this is the right thing to do. You know what ? Just relax, try not to think about it too much. Why not do something you like, something to take your mind off that, something that will help you relax like taking a bath, playing a sport you like ...

[ 08-06-2006, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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nixieGurl
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OK, Im going to see my counselor soon. Ugh Im so scared. Im still so unsure. I was awake all night feeling so sick over this. My parents will never talk to me again if I do this. I still dont know if this is worth it. But I guess at the moment, I will just talk to her and find out what I have to do [Frown] I hate this
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Heather
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Nix: ask your counselor if you can make anonymous reports in NZ? I don't know the policies and proedures there per rape, I'm afraid, nor am I at all well-versed in your legal system.

But you might be able to start by making an anonymous report, if you can't yet take that full step. Too, maybe your counselor could go with you? You should be able to talk to officers about your options without putting anything to paper, so that you can decide what is going to be best for you.

(I'm so sorry about your family. I may have asked this before, but is there any extended family who are more concerned with your well-being you could talk to? And are you sure they'd be as unsupportive as you think if they knew what's gone on and is really going on here? I'm not doubting your words, mind, just checking to see if maybe there might not be some care/loyalty you might not suspect?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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nixieGurl
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Thanks Miz Scarlet,
I dont really have any extended family who live in New Zealand, and that I am close to. I was very close to my grandmother but she passed away and My grandad is really great but he is really old and unwell, I am not gonna tell him about it. He doesnt need that right now. Other than that I dont really have anyone. My grandparents on the other side of the family dont talk to me because they dont like my mum and I look just like her and they told me that I am too much like her and they dont want me around (strange grandparents!). So Im just alone. I dont wanna lose my parents over this. That is really holding me back. I wish I could say that maybe they will be more supportive than I think, but the truth is they wont be.

I would like it if my counselor will come with me. I dont think I can handle this by myself. I wish this would all just go away by itself. I know why I have to do this but I just dont feel like I am gonna get through this.

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Heather
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Nixie, I bet your counselor would be glad to do that.

In the interim, the best I can do from all the way over here is to offer you the text equivalent of the biggest hugs in the world. I am so, so sorry you've got so many barriers to healing from all of this, and so few supports. I hate that's the case for you or anyone at all.

Hopefully, as you get older, per the support, it'll get better. One thing you'll find, as many of us have, is that as you get older, you sort of start to make your own family: of relatives that are good to you, of friends, of mentors, of neioghbors. So, you don't have to be without family that supports you all of your life: over time, you just gotta make your own, which is usually hardly a shore. [Smile]

Good luck talking to your counselor: and if she's got any suggestins about how to make even something like the forums here more therapeutic/supportive for you, please let us know.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Thanks Miz Scarlet,

Thank you for the hugs, even if they are only in text, they mean alot and help alot, so thank you. Without all of you I would be totally alone in this. I spoke to the counselor today about it all. Even though we were only talking about it I was secretly proud of myself for getting the words out without having a huge anxiety attack, because I was so sure I would, as stupid as that sounds.

She wants me to go and talk to the sexual abuse centre first, and they will help me through the process, if I choose to report him. Apparently they can go to the police with me, i can talk to people who have been through it before. And if I had to go to court, they can go with me too.

I am still not sure though. I need to take my time with this. I need to decide if this is worth the trouble it will cause my family and I may not be able to see them anymore. I know that all sounds very odd, and its hard to explain, but if you knew my family you would understand (unfortunatly!). I am not sure if I am ready for all of this.

My counselor said she isg lad I have scarleteen too because she knows I feel alone in this. She said she was gonna suggest that I diary my feelings, and what is going on with me, but I pretty much do that here and this is better because I get advice and its good to have someone to listen. So thanks from my counselor too.

She suggested that when i file the report (if i do) that I can stay somewhere he wont be able to find me at all. But I feel like I need to be around all my own things in my own environment. My anxiety is so bad at the moment and I dont think some new place will help that. I dont know if I will get through this regardless. I just dont want him to hurt anyone else.

I am still undecided. I am still scared, and I still dont know if I can handle this right now, I just wanna go to sleep and not wake up.

Thank you for being here. I need this place more than ever right now. I cant thank you enough.

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Heather
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Of course, nixie.

I am SO glad you have such an awesome-sounding counselor. Sounds like she is everything a counselor should be in this: a comfort, an ally, strong support. That is such a gift (I had a really good counselor in my teens who was similar, and there are some things I know I wouldn't have gotten through well without her).

I think it sounds spot-on to go to the center, talk with them about the whole process and your options. Then give yourself a week or so to figure out what you want to do. So long as you can make arrangements to be safe, I think you can take your time.

And that's my main concern: is it possible you can line a couple people up to be sure you're not alone to and from work and such, so that you are not in further danger of this guy while you decide on all of this?

And if and when you do report, is there maybe somewhere you can go where you can bring enough of your things to make it like home?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Mr. Matthew
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nixie,

I care about you. I'm at work and I'm crying. Really.

M

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nixieGurl
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Hey,

Well last night was rough for me. I cant sleep, and If I do sleep I have nightmares about him, and then it makes me get sick because I get all those feelings again like when I see him. I just cant seem to get away from him.

I have to work tonight by myself. I am scared about that. I would ask a couple of people to come by, but that means I have to tell them. And the friend I have told has told me to get over it, and I know she wont come. And Im afraid to tell anyone else. Saying the words out loud make me feeling all dirty and discusting, and right now I dont even know what I would say.

And that is why I dont have anywhere to go and stay. I know its stupid, and its just because Im scared. But I dont know how to tell them. Its so hard, everything is so hard, I dont feel like doing anything anymore. I dont know how much longer I can do this anymore. [Frown]

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Heather
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How about just telling them there is a guy who has been stalking you?

I think you can get some help without having to tell the whole of the story.

Hang in there, gal. You're doing it, you are.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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nixieGurl
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I guess I could try that. I dont want him to see any of them, and know them and hurt them. I am so afraid of that. This is all so scary, I have gone from telling noone to thinking about reporting him and having people know in such a short time and its scary for me. I dont feel like I am doing a very good job of this either. I see other people on here who have dealt with this sorta thing and they all seemed to do it so well, like you Miz Scarlet and I dont know how you do it. I am not as strong as you are, I wish I were though.

I just want the feeling inside me to go away and I keep having showers to make the dirty feelings go away and it doesnt help. And now I am just thinking, maybe its not worth it at all you know? I just dont see myself ever being able to feel ok again.

Im sorry I just had to get that out. I dont know where else to go.

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Heather
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I don't buy that you're not as strong.

You forget, a lot of time has passed for me. Since my worst assault, 24 years. That's a LONG time. If you think I had it all together right after then, or even five years after that, I can't begin to tell you how wrong you are. In my teens, emotionally, interpersonally, I was a complete MESS. I was suicidal, I was self-destructive, I put myself at risk of some intense dangers because of how little I liked myself, the works. Sure, I had some areas of my life together, but emotionally and per my self-image, I didn't have it together at all. And the people who attacked me? I never had to see them again, they weren't friends of my family, etc.

Remember: you're not seeing anyone else's whole process.

You'll be okay, nix. Look at all the steps you've taken. Look at the difference between now and when you first came here. Look at the things you've done for yourself in that time.

It's all about the baby steps, and looking from here? Looks like you're doing a great job. You just have to cut yourself more slack in knowing that this is a long process. That sucks, to be sure, especially since YOU have to do all the work when it's someone else who was the bad guy and who victimized you and is still victimizing you. But it's how it goes. Each year, we feel a little more okay; each year we're able to reclaim more of our lives.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Thanks Miz Scarlet,
Yeah, it does suck. I think thats the thing that upsets me the most, is that he just decided oneday to start hurting me, and it has screwed up so many years of my life, and he probably doesnt even think about it. I guess that is why people report these things right? I just wish it was easier.

Maybe I could ask my boyfriend if he could come out tonight and help me close up, because he was gonna stay with me tonight anyway. But I cant tell him what happened. Not yet. Im scared cause I know he will want to have sex tonight and I really dont think I can at the moment, and I am really not good at saying no. I dont enjoy sex. I like him and all, But it just makes me feel scared right now and I dont know how to tell him so I know I will end up doing it.

Thanks again for being here. I get through my day coming here.

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Heather
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Hey nix?

I gotta tell you that agreeing to sex when you don't want it is something that's going to slow your process of healing.

Even if you're not ready to tell your guy why, at least with a night like this, where you know it's something you don't want, prefect it by, even in your call, saying something like, "And hey, I'm not in a good headspace for sex tonight, so I'd rather we just snuggle or something, okay?"

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Ok, I will call him and I will say just that, thanks Miz Scarlet. I will let you know how it goes tonight [Frown] Im trying not to think about it right now. Im trying to take it one minute at a time, one day is sometimes too much to handle.
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