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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » told my mother

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Author Topic: told my mother
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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I called my mother today, and I told her about what happened, about being abused all that time. I thought I should because she was going to find out anyway. She took it as I thought she would.

She said I was lying and she was so disappointed in me and how could I do this to them. She didnt believe me at all. She doesnt wanna see me anymore.

Even though I knew that would happen, it hurts. She sounded so mad with me, and now I feel like I have made the wrong choice. I just am pretty upset at the moment, and I am not sure who I am more upset with, me or my mother.


Nix

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Allysa
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Hun, what you did was most definately the right thing, I also told my mum about being absued and she didn't react at all, I wrote her a 6 page letter of who had done it and how It had effected me and all I got was seeing the letter in her bag, I didn't get so much as a, Are you ok, I don't believe you, How are you or even a hug, what your mum did was horrible, I can't believe she would say she never wants to see you, you should not be angry at yourself you did the right thing by telling her, even is she doesn't believe you and thinks that you're lying, you know the truth.

Hun, I don't want to say I know how you feel, bceause honestly I don't, I don't know the full extent of what you went through as you don't know mine, but I am here for you whenever you need a friend or just someone to go off at, I don't care, as long as I know that you're ok and you have a smile on you face afterwards that will be enough for me.

Don't ever thing that by telling your mum that you did the wrong thing, as you said yourself she was bound to find out sooner or later anyway and I aplaud you for actaully telling her youreslf, even though it was over the phone you have alot more strength than myself, as it took me writting a letter.

At the end of the day hun, your mum is wrong, for not believing you and calling you a liar, she is the one in the wrong not you, remember that ok.

Keep your chin up Sweet, And I'm only a post away if you need it.

Mwah

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Ally

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It's likely little comfort, but generally that reaction, especially when it's so instant, comes out of someone knowing you are NOT lying, and having to say that you are to protect themselves from guilt.

It's a hard thing to accept, but most parents whose children have been through sexual or other abuse with a family member or other person close to them DO have some idea that something is not right, and that something was going on. Most have no idea how to deal with that, especially if they did suspect and did nothing. Boy, do I have that t-shirt. And it's never, ever easy.

I'm so sorry your mother reacted that way, and I'm so sorry you have to have to deal with this on top of everything else. But I'm so glad you were able to tell. I'm so glad that you are able to not be silent more and more: it's one of the best things you can do for yourself, even when people are non-supportive.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Nailo
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I had a similar problem...when I was 13, I told my mother what had been going on with my dad, and she didn't react. She told me not to ever speak of it again, to anyone, because "they might get the wrong idea", and that my dad "is just a really lovey-dovey person". -peuk-

In January, I tried again (though it hasn't happened for a while), via my psychologist this time. She accepted the fact this time, but cried and cried and said she never had any idea. Yea, even if I had told her 3 years before about it. Even if it happened when she was right next to me. She even made me feel guilty about it. When I said that how could I know she wasn't high too when it all happened, she said "why don't I just shoot myself, right here? Why don't I just grab a f***ing bullet and put it through my head then??" And I got sooo mad because I felt that she was shifting the blame onto me for telling her... instead of offering her help and suport when I needed her.

So yea. I know what you're going through.

My mom still doesn't want to talk about it, and I can't even mention it in front of her because I know she'll just look the other way and pretend she's not listening. But the news is still fresh. I don't know your mother, but I think that eventually, it'll sink in, and after that everything will be better. She might even ask for your forgiveness. I know its really really hard, but these things take time. I have faith that one of these days, our mothers will come to us and want to talk about it, instead of shutting us out. Just give them time, because it's a really harsh blow to hear that your daughter was abused/raped. Some people don't know how to cope with the pressure.

Please be strong. We're all gonna to get through this together...

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Thanks,

I am just feeing pretty alone at the moment. I keep thinking about all the things I am going to miss, mostly just her though. I miss my mum already. And it hurts, because I have always been there for her, even as a little child I was always thinking about her, through her divorce's and all. I think thats what hurts most, because she doesnt want me anymore.

I do understand what you are saying about her not knowing how to react and all. Its just, she has been really depressed. She wont changer her mind, or think about it untill she is feeling able to deal with everything. And that could be a long long time. I need my family, they may not be all that supportive, but they are my family and I do love them more than anyone in the world.

I just feel alone. I feel like I should call her, and tell her she was right and yes I was lying. Drop the charges. Then it would all be over for good. I feel like I have had my heart broken, if it hadnt been already.

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Ecofem
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nixie, I just wanted to say thanks for sending the notice. It's great that you are so supportive of others, especially when you yourself are going through such hard times.

I'm sorry your mother is not being supportive, instead quite the contrary. You can pick up your relationship later, but I'd stick to your guns [for a lack of better phrasing] for now. You've come so far; remember that we believe you! We can choose our friends, but not our family (although friends can become family...) It's understandable that her lack of support feels like a great loss. As challenging as it is, realizing that our parents are the way they are, good or bad, is an important step. Once we've figured that out, I think it becomes easier because we know what we can work with (or reject.)

Right now keep focusing on what you've been working towards. Hopefully once you've made more progress on it, they'll come around to supporting you, maybe they won't. But please keep going!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Nixie, what you're suggesting here is that it is better you keep being stalked and raped than have some time of conflict with your mother.

PLEASE recognize that that is beyond not sound. No family member should ask you, overtly or covertly, to accept constant sexual violence and a lack of safety to be part of your life. Would anyone in your family do that for you? Would you WANT them to?

Give this some time. If your mother did know or suspect -- and she likely did -- this has got to be a HUGE whollop, because it means she has had to come face to face with her denial and with the fact that she did not protect you when she should have. Yes: it might take years for her to deal with this and accept this (and all the harder because some part of her obviously trusted this man, too), but it's not a sound exchange to endanger yourself for her love. That's not something someone asks of a person they love and care for.

You said your counselor made time for you every day this week: I suggest you go in and talk to her about this. You may also see if she can help schedule a session for you AND your mother and help you to try and make that happen. Sometimes, an impartial mediator can be of a lot of help.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Just as a note: There is that chance that your mother just needs some time to come to terms with what's happened to you. That can't be easy to deal with. My own parents took close to 6 years to come around. When I first told them, they didn't believe me and told me not to spread those lies to anyone else. After some counseling, I confronted them again last summer and that time they listened to me. In the weeks following that, they tried to initiate conversations about the topic and I could tell they were coming to terms with it. There are still a lot of things we haven't talked about (and likely will never talk about) but they now believe me and understand me better.

Telling your mother was definitely the right thing, no matter how messed up things might seem right now. And I really hope for you that your mother works through this and you two can sit down and talk about it some day. Good luck!

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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