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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Struggling right now

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Author Topic: Struggling right now
nixieGurl
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Hey again,

I have been hit with a few hard things this week, and I just am really stuggling with them, and everything that has happened. I told one of my closest friends what happened, about being molested and still being raped and stalked recently, just everything. I was hoping that she would be supportive because I had totally no support from my mum or family in this. She told me that I should probably be in a psychiatric hospital, because I must be doing something to make him do this, otherwise I must be lying or mentally ill. That hurt alot. She then said she didnt want me as a friend anymore because I have lied to her all this time by not telling her.

I feel sick about it. Maybe I do need to be in one of those places, I just cant think of what I could have done to him to make him hurt me this way. Im so alone in this, and Im scared. I dont want to do it anymore, any of it.

She then told my boyfriend that I was lying to him too, and told him that he doesnt want to be with someone who is ill. And he said we need to take a break untill I am better, things are too complicated for him to handle with me. Im by myself in this. I feel so heart broken, I have lost everyone and I dont even know why. I dont know if I can get through this, not this time. Which is why I am here, I guess I just needed to talk to the people who have not turned me away in this.

I am still struggling through this at this stage. But I am thinking now, its just not worth it.

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Karybu
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Nixie, I am so so incredibly sorry that your friend and your boyfriend have turned on you like this. I can't offer much in the way of words of wisdom or help, but please know that we are all here for you - you have everyone's support here, and we will do whatever we can to help you.

I really wish I could give you a hug right now - it's awful that I can't even offer you that. I can say, however, that I'll be awake and around for another couple of hours, so if you need some more support, please please don't hesitate to ask.

--------------------
"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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nixieGurl
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Hey Karybu,

Thank you. I wish I could have the hug too. Thanks for being here. Im tired of being alone. I cant think of what I did. I feel like I am going crazy, everyone is telling me I am, and how selfish I am. I really thought they would understand, Im just really upset.

How do I do this by myself? I dont want to tell any more of my friends. The friend I told already told a bunch of people, she told them that I caused it. Maybe I did? I dont know [Frown]

I feel like this is totally my fault, otherwise they would have understood and helped me. I dont know what to do next.

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dailicious
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Hon, GIANT hugs coming from me right now too.

This really isn't something you should have to do by yourself, and my thoughts are with you entirely. Just know that although we may be thousands of miles away, WE'RE here with you completely.

I don't know what area of New Zealand you're in, but while I was there I did come across a couple of orginizations that may be able to provide you with further resources. Your counselor is still going to be one of your best outlets, especially when it comes to having someone who can back you and be there for you and listen to you without judgement or bias, but a couple of these, if you can look them up, may be able to help set you up with support groups of abuse and rape survivors or with legal resources and information.
http://www.rapecrisis.org.nz - The Rape Crisis Center; they give a link on their contact page to a number of support centers around the North and South islands. (Additionally, on the off-chance that you're in the Wellington area, there's a Rape Crisis Center on Willis street that they don't list there, I could give you more specific directions to get there if you are)

Also in the Wellington area, just in case, is the Wellington's Women's Center: http://women.wellington.net.nz

http://www.lsa.govt.nz/general/community.htm - The community Law Center could possibly be a resource for you as far as finding information about YOUR rights and how best to go about a case, if it's needed.

I should be around for another while, as well, hon, so keep coming back as you need it, okay?

--------------------
Jean
aka dailicious
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nixieGurl
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Thank you, I really appreciate the support, It helps so much. Thank you for all the links, I am in Christchurch, I have a few contacts here now that my counselor has given me. I just dont know if I can go through with it anymore.

I miss my friends, and my boyfriend, and my family. I dont want to be hurt anymore, but I think the physical pain is easier to handle than this. This is not worth it, I feel worse than ever.

Maybe I should just drop it all? And tell them that it was my fault. And get my life back, and the people I love. I am hurting so much [Frown] I hate this so so much. What should I do?

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dailicious
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Please don't feel like you need to let go now, hon, you have been so incredibly strong already, and I believe you will definitely get through this. I can't imagine how difficult this may be for you right now, but I DO believe in you. I'm reitterating what Miz S has said before, but remember that, and remember that WE believe you 100% right here. WE BELIEVE YOU.

Dropping it all now, after you've come so far (and you HAVE, sweetheart, you HAVE come so far, even if it's hard for you to see right now) is not going to turn everything around. Burrying the issue is not going to help make it better, because these people have already showed their reaction, hon.

Your friend's reaction was horrible, and she's not being a friend now- that isn't going to change if you falsely admit to the rumor she is spreading.

I am so sorry you're hurting so much, you do not deseve even the tiniest ounce of it, not one bit. This is NOT your fault, you did NOT bring any of this on yourself, not at all.

Is there any way you could contact your counselor now, hon, even though it's after hours?

--------------------
Jean
aka dailicious
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Karybu
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Nixie, hon, you've come so incredibly far in the last few weeks and months - I know dropping the whole thing seems like the simplest way to make all this go away, but you know what? I know that you're stronger than that; I KNOW it. And I know that you can get through this.

Is there anyone you can call for some in-person support right now? Is it possible to get ahold of your counselor to talk to her?

*hugs* We're here for you, hon. We're all rooting for you, and we're so proud of how much progress you've made. Hang in there.

--------------------
"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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nixieGurl
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I dont want to feel like this anymore, I just dont know how to feel better. It does help coming here, Thanks for being here. I cant call my counselor after hours, Its too late now. I dont want to talk to her about it right now. I dont think I can actually speak Im just upset. I want to cry but cant seem to get any tears out and I have pains in my chest and its hard to breathe. I hate this so much.

Thank you for believing me. And it means alot to me, so much, but at the same time I really need people around here, at home, and my friends, to be here for me. I was counting on them with this. And now Im alone.

I am trying so hard not to cut right now. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I feel torn between worrying about if he is hurting anyone else out there, and losing everyone I love because of my own selfishness.

I dont feel like I have come a long way at all [Frown] I dont know if I am making any sense right now, so Im sorry. It just hurts so much and I feel so so stupid for letting all of this happen to me. Maybe I deserve this for leaving it all ths time.

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dailicious
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Please hold on, hon, you CAN get through this. You WILL get through this.

You are NOT being selfish because you want people to know what you went through and to support you and believe you. You are NOT being selfish because you want to know that this guy is never going to hurt someone again.

I don't know how much longer I can stay up tonight, but in case you need them, please call someone if you can, just for the sake of having someone to talk to, okay?

There's a 24 hour support line in Christchurch: 03 364 8791 24

Just in case, okay?

Is there anything you can do now to get your mind out of the situation a little bit enough so you can get some sleep and be able to call your counselor in the morning? Some music you can listen to loudly in headphones? A game you can play for awhile? A book you can read? Maybe make yourself some tea or have a drink that you like?

For now, please just try your best to hold on. You WILL make it through this, you will. I know you're doubting that right now, but I have an idea you're really going to surprise yourself after all is said and done. So hold on, please, sweetheart, we believe you and we believe in you.

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Jean
aka dailicious
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nixieGurl
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Thank you, thanks for the number to call. I just want them to come back, I dont want to be alone. I tried to lay down and have a sleep but I couldnt. I tried to paint and I tried to write. But I just want my mum and I want my boyfriend back and my friends. And I can get them back if I drop it all. Im so confused. He has taken everything from me. It just hurts.

I am just so confused, I just want them all back [Frown] Im so scared, I dont wanna be alone in this.

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dailicious
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Hon, I'm really not sure how best to put this, so I hope I'm wording it the best I can, but I honestly don't think that you'd get everything back by dropping this now. Your friend has already reacted in a HUGE way, by not only not listening to and believe you, but by then spreading rumors about you to your other friends. Your boyfriend is unlikely, as well, to just turn around if you suddenly changed your story, he has made a decision already that he ISN'T going to support you with this, and that does say something. As much as it hurts, these people are NOT supporting you, and it's not going to be easier if you just turned around what you had said. It's likely they're not going to snap back and be there for you again, and even if they did, would you really be okay knowing that they DON'T believe you and didn't want to support you?

I'm really not trying to say this to put more weight on you, hon, and you absolutely deserve to have someone who will support you and be there for you, but I think that it's already been demonstrated that these people are NOT there for you, even if you took back what you had told them.

I wish there was something I could do to help you more or something I could say or suggest that would make this better, but for now, although 'm sounding a bit like a broken record, please just remember that we believe in you, and if you think of anything that we may be able to help you find or do to help, please don't hesitate to ask.

I can't stay up any longer tonight, but my thoughts are with you entirely. Please hold tight, hon.

--------------------
Jean
aka dailicious
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Allysa
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Hey nixie,

Sweet heart can I just say that I think you're amazing and if your friends and bf can turn on you so quickly then you're much better off, it may seem hopeless right now and that is totally understandable but hun you can get through this, you know you can, we know you can and we are here to make sure that happens, Sweet look at how all of your support helped me, I have an appointment tomorrow for my stuff because in my darkest hour, YOU were my lifeline, you stayed with me and held my hand and saw me through it all and if I know anything, I know that everyone here is here for you and are here to make sure you have that support you need in your darkest hour.

Hun you deserved alot more support from your friends and also your bf and It saddens me that you didn't and I can only imagine what that did to you, but you have support here, it may not be face to face or as close as you may like but it is there for you.

I really hope for the best with you, as everyone here knows that's what you deserve.

Keep your chin up sweet.

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Ally

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nixieGurl
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Thanks, both of you. It means alot to me. I just am hurting so much. I dont even know what I really want right now. I just know that even though they have been crappy friends to me right now, that I still miss them already and I want everyone back.

I understand what you are saying about me dropping it all now, they would be angrier with me if I lied now. Im stuck and Im scared. I dont know what will make it better, I just want it all to go away. I just want it out of my head already. I cant stop thinking about him and the rapes and I cant get his face out of my head. And then I feel like I just need my family and my friends or my boyfriend to come over, and I cant have them here, and I just feel so sick about it.

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wobblyheadedjane
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Oh nixie, I am so sorry to hear about what's happened. Everyone has already said it really well, but I want to re-iterate that we all believe you here. 100%. We've seen you deal and change and grow through this whole ordeal, and I can't tell you how happy we were when you decided to report. I think you're incredible and strong, and if you made it through that, you can make it through this with our help, and the help of your wonderful counselor.

Just know that we're here to listen and be a source of support for you, and the number dailicious provided is a good resource too if you need someone to talk with one on one.

Lots of strength and comfort to you, nixie.

--------------------
Unlucky at cards; lucky at love.

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JamsessionVT
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nixie, I can't even imagine how you must feel right now, but I can say that we, at least the moderators, are all worried sick about you. We want the best for you, truely. No one deserves this, especially someone who has been through as much as you have. We want you to be strong, for yourself, for everything you've been through and felt. You deserve that and so much more. Just keep talking to us, OK? We want and need to know that you're still hanging in there with us.

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Abbie
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cool87
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Nixie, I am so sorry for all you had to go through lately. I was so sad when I heard that your friends and your boyfriend turned their back on you just when you needed them the most.

I know that might not be what you want to hear but I personnally think they are not good friends. I think friends would stick with you no matter what, support you and believe what you tell them. And I don't think in a situation like that, they would put the guilt on you. Really, good friends don't do that.

I also totally agree with dailicious that your friends wouldn't be of great support to you. They've just showed that. Even though you tell them they were right, it wouldn't really change something. They didn't believe you this time so do you think if in some weeks you tell them again what you went through they will believe you ? I bet almost 100 % they won't. They will be likely to make you feel that you are responsible for what happen, therefore make you feel even worse.

I know it is not your fault but do you prefer believing those so-called friends that don't believes you and says it's your fault than believing me and all the others here that it's not your fault. Really we heard your story while they didn't. Really, some here have been in a similar situation to you. So it's really more likely we know what we're talking about when we say it's not your fault.

I know right now how hard it can be to be alone in all this. I know you would want to have friends and family to help you go through that. I know this is quite different and may seems better than having us who are really far from you and are not by your side. But I'm telling you it's far better to have no one to talk to by your side than to have the wrong persons, than to have person who would not believe you and who will not support you. I'm telling you.

I know you're strong and CAN do it. I totally think so. You've shown that Nixie. With all you went through to date. I could make a big list of all the small steps you took to date and I'm sure it would take me an entire page at least. Telling your friends is just one of those steps.

You know what, I think it is better to know RIGHT NOW that those friends are not able to support you than to know that DURING the process.

I'm here for you also if you need help. So don't be shy of asking for help.I know how hard it is for you but I also know you can get through it.

So keep posting hon to tell us what's happening with you because we all care about you and therefore want what's best for you.

--------------------
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Heather
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Just going to share a few thoughts with you as I wake up, Nixie.

One big thing I'd pass on is that while you get to choose, 100%, who the other people are in your life you're close to, you do NOT get to opt in or opt out of living in the closest proximity to yourself.

In other words, taking backwards steps, changing your story from the one that is real to one that is fictional is something you'd have to sleep with every night: your reality would be something you could only have in your head, and never have support from anyone else for. While I know that right now it feels that's the case, that's temporary. You have your counselor. Your counselor can also likely hook you up with other surviviors. Your partner may well come around (and if he does, you don't get to have a real relationship unless you're being the real Nixie and he's accepting and caring for the real Nixie). A time may come when you share this with another friend who believes you. A time may even come when your mother comes to terms with this (and again, I'd suggest talking to your counselor about arranging a meeting where she can mediate for you two: it may well help).

I'm very perplexed by your boyfriend's sudden exit only because of what someone else has said to him. I'm not sure (and obviously you aren't either) WHAT was said, but it strikes me as very strange for someone who was, ostensibly, a strong partner who you expressed as being very good to you, to do a total 360 like that without asking YOU what was going on and being very interested in listening.

You've gotten through YEARS of things more awful than this, and those were temporary. This is, too. It may or may not all resolve as you'd like, but it still all is temporary, and the biggest steps you've taken, when you boil it all down, are towards you being able to live a safe. authentic life, not one where you have to playact you're someone else who is not living in fear, who is not trying to survive ongoing abuse.

Beyond your literal safety in getting this guy off the streets and away from you, that's by biggest concern/wish for you: that you are able to live an authentic life which honors your reality. Without that, you can't heal, and no matter who else is in your life, you won't ever be able to really be close to them, at all, for real, without that. Without that, you'd be making SURE you'd have to live like an island, with the people around you not knowing you at all, only knowing a role you're playing, and you, unable to heal.

And THAT is a scenario I don't see as workable, no matter what else is going on.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I know taking it all back will not be a good idea now. I miss my friends terribly, but in that same breath I dont know if I want them around me right now either. If they are going to judge me. I knew I would come across people who would react like that during this whole thing. But I didnt think it would be the people I love. At least not all of them.

I dont know what she said to my boyfriend. And I am also very surprised at him, so I am guessing it was bad. Although I have no idea what I have done, I cant think of anything that would make him react this way.

I dont want to talk to my counselor about it. I dont knwo how to explain it to her, she must be starting to think Im a freak by now. Ive screwed everything up. Its so frustrating because everytime I get enough courage to take a step that has been scary for me, I seem to have to take ten steps backward.

Thanks for being here again. I know I always say it but I really could not thank you enough ever. Thank you for listening to my rants and being so understanding of my situation in times when I dont really understand it myself.

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Heather
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Of course, of course.

Nix, have you asked your counselor if there are any rape/sexual abuse survivor support groups around you?

I'm thinking it might be a good thing for you to be able to meet some other survivors and lean on each other for support. One of the nice things about talking to survivors is that often, so many aspects of our experiences are shared (such as losing friends, having family react badly, partner issues) that a little can go a long way in terms of not feeling so alone.

(It's also normal, by the way, to do the step-forward, step-back thing. Really.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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She gave me a number for one fo them. I dont want to do the group session thing though because I have a hard time talking to one person at a time right now. And they meet as a group and talk. Im kinda scared to tell anyone else at this stage, as stupid as that sounds. I just dont see this getting better anymore.
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Heather
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At group sessions, you are not obligated to talk.

It's generally expected that new group folks won't, actually, but instead will just listen for a few sessions until they're comfortable.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Oh I didnt know that. I guess I could try. Im just kinda afraid of being turned away again, like with the people so far.
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Heather
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You'd be with a group of people who have likely ALL been turned away by someone at some point because of being victimized.

So, pretty safe space.

I'd suggest just going once, and planning to just listen, and if asked to talk, just saying what you've said here, that you are scared and want to start by listening.

If in doubt that's okay, or if you need to know that to feel okay, there should be a phone number for the group facilitator you can call and ask about that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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ok, I guess I can give it a go. Thanks Miz Scarlet. I will give it a try and go and listen, at least try my best to. Trying to stay positive at the moment. And stressing over the mid-year exam I have this afternoon at university worth 45% of my grade, I love university but it is really tough right now.
Nixie

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nixieGurl
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I didnt go today, to my test. I was feeling bad. And I just dont care. I went and made an appointment with my gyn because I have been having alot of pain lately and need to have surgery. And I called the support group and talked to them Miz Scarlet. They said I can go and listen if i am not ok with talking.

My friend came over today, I tried to talk to her about it all. She said she had to tell my boyfriend because he wouldnt want to be sleeping with me if he knew "where I had been". That hurt, I feel dirty and discusting. I really am trying so hard to get through this, its just so hard. Why do we get hurt and then have to do all the work to get better. Its not fair.

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Heather
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I hate to be so bold in this respect, and I know how tough it is when you're lonely, but this person isn't being a friend to you, at all, and clearly isn't someone good for you to be around right now.

(Let's not mention how distrubed I am by sound like such a Mom, either.)

I'm with you: it is NOT fair. But, you know, there are loads of us here. if not rape or sexual abuse durvivors, surviviors of other abuses. Children who grow up in war-torn countries. Those of us who grew up/grow up poor. Kids in bad foster care situations. Innocent men in prison systems. None of it's good, none of it is fair, and no, none of us should have to do so much work to heal ourselves from the hurt others do, but alas, here we are. [Frown]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I didnt really want to see my friend after what she said either. I guess in a time like this, you find out who is in the friendship because they care for you and who is there just for the fun times. I have been friends with her since we were 5 years old, that is a hard thing for me to just let go of.

I know there are so many here in or who have been in so many horribly unfair situations. And I do feel terrible for going on as I do, because there are so many people hurting right now in worse situations than mine. I just feel stuck with this all in my head, like it wont ever go away.

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Beppie
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Nixie, I have been reading about everything you're going through; like everyone else I've been touched and worried by your experiences, while admiring your strength and courage at the same time.

About your missed exam-- I don't know what your university's policy is, but if you get your counsellor to write you a note confirming that you had a personal reason to miss the exam (she wouldn't have to go into any details about it), you may be able to take it at another time, rather than failing the course. You may not be up to thinking about this at the moment, but do keep it in mind.

I know that at my university, if you have a counsellor write you a note you sometimes can defer taking the exam until the next semester, although your coursework will still count from the previous semester-- I have no idea if your uni would do something similar, but if you feel up to it, it could be something to look into.

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Heather
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Don't feel terrible, nix.

I was just saying to Beppie IM that my last respinse came out a lot more frankly than I intended. But I didn't say what I did to invalidate your feelings at all. Merely, I get world-weary sometimes. SO many of us suffer at the hands of someone else; so many of us have to do work we just shouldn't have to do to heal.

But again, we are not alone. Millions of people are, in one respect or another, exactly where we are.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Thats ok, I didnt think you were, I just have thought about it before and I already felt bad about it. Not because of what you said, so no need to worry about that [Smile] I do think about all of those people out there alot, I wish I could gather them all up and take care of them all.

I can get a doctors note form my Gyn because she thinks I have a cyst or tumour on my left ovary, and need to get it taken out, hopefully they will not need to take my ovary but it also depends how much endometriosis is in there, because it is not looking too good. But I am trying not to think about that right now, there is too much going on in my head to sort it all out, so I am just not going to. So anyway, I can get a pass mark for the exam if I go and do all the paperwork and everything. I dont think I really deserve it though, Its not like I couldnt sit there for a few hours and at least try. I just didnt feel like it today.

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