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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Molestation

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Author Topic: Molestation
uNF_Rena
Neophyte
Member # 26033

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Hello, My name is Serena. When I was young (like.. 2-3) I was molested, probably for a couple of years. Part of the reason I say probably, is because I cant remember the actual molestation happening, or if it was a rape. I believe this is because a) I was young and b) I've blocked it all out.
I was molested by my "grandpa", though he wasn't related by blood. My aunts and uncles on that side were also raped or molested by this man (Jules). For many years he got away with all of this, including children in neighborhood. At one point, before I was even born, he was charged with molestation from a neighborhood family. However he was found not guilty because of his good name.
I'm not 18, and he died a few years ago (a stroke and then old age). Oh and he was caught touching my cousin... which is how it all came out into the open.
I am not really having too many problems in life. I am sexually active, have a loving boyfriend, and life is good. It hasn't damaged me as much as some victims of these sort of crimes. My parents also do not know, and neither does my grandma (who has remarried to a wonderful man). I do not want them to have that guilt, they wouldnt be able to handle it, and i dont blame them at all.
Most of the time I seem to be fine. But I know I'm not. I'm starting to accept some of the problems this has given me.
These problems are:
-I am a very sexually active person. At the age of 15 I lost my virginity (still dont regret it)... or another example is that I started giving head at the age of 14. My partners have not been many, but the sexual acts have been. I believe this to be because I grew up thinking this is what I am wanted for.
- Physcial contact with male family members really upsets me. If my dad takes me hand (even when I cry) I cant stop concentrating on it, and I think of ways for this to stop. Or if my brothers try to hug me, I try to make it as quick as possible. I have no problems with them as people... Maybe to some its odd that I am very sexual with others but when it coms to my male family members the very thought of a backscratch going lower then the middle of my back freaks me out.
-I pick corners when I go into a resturant. I dont want to have my back vulnerable. This is small, but I also cant sleep with my door open.
- I have a VERY active brain at night. I'm not sure if my nightmares have anything to do with the molestation... well I dont know if my vivid dreams are from the incidents. But I know that the molestation itself has given me terrible nightmares. Which have included (to name a few): a man raping me, and whenever I tried to scream or tell him to stop he would electrocute me... not a fun thing, sort of like when someone tickles you and you beg to stop but you can t breath or stop them. Another example was a dream of my eldest borhter trying to sexually molest me. This was a terrible dream.. unbelieveable.. its making me cry right now.. it was so vivid.. and .. for a VERY long time I couldnt face him and still cant hug him..
My dreams arent always about sexual stuff however. I also now know how a child's scream sounds while he watches his mother being butchered.. as the child hangs from a noose. My dreams are EXTREMELY vivid and life like. This is very scary and has resulted in many days of me trying to find excuses not to sleep.

For a long time I could ignore my past and now I have decided to face it. And I would like some help/input.. anything. Thank you
Serena


Posts: 7 | From: Canada | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 17924

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I experienced some sexual trauma when I was 6. Just recently I made the decision to seek out help (I'd been having a lot of panic attacks in the middle of the night).

Therapy is a wonderful thing. Many rape/sexual molestation victims shy away from it because they are afraid no one will believe them, that it really didn't happen, etc. But even after my first session, I made my mother drive me home because I was crying so hard with relief.

Do you have a counselor nearby? Even a school counselor will do (they are often very helpful, and can point you in the right direction for more specific help). Just someone to talk to who can offer advice and comfort will do a world of good. Carrying that kind of weight around with you isn't mentally or emotionally healthy.

I'm proud of you for deciding to get help. It is a big step to take for anyone who's experience a trauma like yours, and a hard one as well. There are many different kinds of alternative and correctional therapy that may help, if you are willing to try them. But remember, healing takes a while, so the more patient you are with yourself, the better you will feel in time

Also, have you seen this thread on tools for abuse/rape survivors? It may offer some more advice:

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum9/HTML/000910.html

[This message has been edited by JamsessionVT (edited 11-04-2005).]


Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
uNF_Rena
Neophyte
Member # 26033

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I had another dream last night... or this morning.. i started hyper ventalating and crying for awhile.. but my boyfriend calmed me down. This dream wasnt sexual but cutting up a puppy to peices.. or having to do that to your grandma.. yes.. i dreamt i had to cut up my grandma into little peices (please note I didnt actually kill her, but watched.. and was then forced to do that terrible act). This man kept making me do things. it was terrible.

I read that page. And What Miz Scarlet said... well I do. I have a community, I talk about it, I express it with art and writing, I love myself, and my body, and I might be very sexually active but I also demand respect... i dont just do it for anyone. If i dont feel safe with them I will literally run. Nothing Miz Scarlet says is a new idea.. or something i dont do or try. I really do love my body.. and I also have told my friends but no family members since it would hurt them more then help me.

Another thing tI think came from this is that i became an exhibitionist. It was very bad thing but has now become a healthy acceptable thing.

[This message has been edited by uNF_Rena (edited 11-05-2005).]


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, have you talked at all with the other members of your family who were abused?

Sounds like that may be a pretty powerful option for you (and them). Sometimes a community of other survivors of the same perpetrator is not at all a hurt to the survivors, but a big help, especially if it's within a family in which there is a constant, tense silence about the issue, yet everyone knows why.

And have you had any counseling yet or no?


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
uNF_Rena
Neophyte
Member # 26033

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No I havent yet. I have started to take the steps too... which is good. I'm not sure yet if I can talk to family members of the same predator... Maybe my cousin Joe, but I dont want to talk to my aunts and uncles ( I really dont like them, they back stab and hurt my grandma). I made the decision today to talk to my younger brother (who is older than me), he might not have been a victim, but I think he is my safest bet at this point for understanding. I would talk to my oldest brother, but I am still not fully comfortable because of that dream.

Have you ever known a victim who had this problem with dreams before?


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Actually, almost all survivors do, especially when one is in any way trying -- consciously or not -- to supress things. It's commonly thought that the subconscious uses dreams as a way to basically try and resolve or illuminate things we aren't, can't or won't.

So, yes: pretty much everyone who has dealt with trauma has, at at least some point, deallt with a lot of nightmares and other sleep disturbances.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
uNF_Rena
Neophyte
Member # 26033

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Miz Scarlet, you have been rather helpful to most here.. but I find you to be very condecsending... and I do not like you, especially since I find your very negative towards myself (and I do not care if everyone finds that you were polite to me...). Please remove all of my posts. Goodbye Scarleteen, you have taught me nothing.

[This message has been edited by uNF_Rena (edited 11-08-2005).]


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Per the guidelines, we ask that users please direct complaints to email.

Now, I'm not sure why you have them: I answered a pretty straightforward question very strightforwardly -- yes, most of us DO have nightmares and sleep problems due to that trauma at times. I have no idea how that was condescending or problematic unless you wanted me to say it was you alone who had them (which would be false).

We also, as a policy, do not use our time to go manually remove a users entire post history, save for rare exceptions with very valid concerns. And feeling in a snit for whatever reason, or because you don't like a given staffer -- or the owner of the site -- and want to create conflict, isn't a valid reason. I will be happy to simply delete this whole thread shortly, as that's one simple step, but if you have posts in other areas you want removed, the onus to find them and edit them out is yours.

And if you wish to continue having a useable handle here, it's also policy of ours to insist you not make a habit of this. Thanks.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor & Founder, Scarleteen
ST blog • about Heather & Scarleteen
"You have to love women who are brave enough to do things so big in a world where women are supposed to be so small." - Andrea Dworkin


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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