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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Self harm

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Author Topic: Self harm
pretzle
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Member # 18166

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I recently posted in the GLTB relationships forum about my problems in showing affection to my girlfriend. It became such a problem and I was hurting her. I didn't want to keep hurting her, so I ended things. I wanted things to work so much, but I couldnt continue upsetting her so I thought it best to end it. She thinks that I broke up with her because she wasn't good enough. She's convinced herself that I never cared for her and I was ashamed of her and that she's too ugly and fat to be with me. By ending things I have made it all worse and hurt her even more. I handle things so badly.
She has told me that she isn't eating and she cuts herself. It's my fault and I have no idea what to do. She won't believe me when I try and tell her that I didn't end things because she isn't good enough. She told me not to tell anybody about what she does, but I know I have to do something. I know I need to offer her support and listen to her. But seeing as the problem was caused by me- what can I do?

Posts: 18 | From: UK | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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You need to step away for a bit ...

You're not her problem. Her problem has more to do w/ her lack of self esteem and lack of effective coping mechanisms than it has to do w/ you. My guess is she had these problems long before you two started dating.

You need to point her in the direction of professional help. Her parents, some sort of counseling, a doctor ... Anything. If she refuses to get help, i'd refuse to have anything further to do w/ her. I know it sounds harsh, but she's on a downward spiral, and if you hang on for too long, she's going to take you w/ her.

... I've been there. I've had help offered to me and refused it. I had to move out of my mothers house b/c i wouldn't take my medication or go to counseling. My family couldn't take watching me slowly killing myself inside and this was their ultimatum.

If she chooses to get help, support her. And good for her. Congratulate her. Getting better is hard work. If she chooses not to get help, how willing are you to sit by and watch this?

This is not your fault. I promise you that. The best support you can offer her now is in getting her professional help.


Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pretzle
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Member # 18166

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Thanks for your help.

[This message has been edited by pretzle (edited 08-04-2005).]


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hwyl
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As a long-time self-injurer I just want to reiterate: this isn't your fault. Things might set me off. A fight might make me injure. But that is never the fault of the person with whom I fought. It is simply a matter of things becoming very intense and me losing my ability to cope normally.

Self-injury is not a normal or healthy response to a break-up, and it is not something you could have possibly caused even if you put the blade in her hands and stole her food away from her. A normal and healthy person would put the blade down and go to the supermarket. The issues that are causing her to resort to self-harm existed before you broke the relationship off.


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pretzle
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But how do I help her without pushing her away? She says she won't do it anymore and hasn't cut for two weeks. She's confided in a friend and says she's ok now that she can talk to someone about it. I'm not sure whether to believe her or not. I don't want to just leave this if it's going to get worse. She told me yesterday that she had gone for a long run yesterday because she wanted to "tone up". She doesn't need to tone up, she's skinny already. If she doesn't want me to worry about her and she doesn't want me to get help for her, why does she keep telling me all the things she's doing to lose weight. I feel powerless and have no clue what to do.


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LilBlueSmurf
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Toning up and losing weight are not necessarily the same thing. Exercise (in moderation, of course) is a good thing.

Have you asked her why she's so interested in running now?

I took up jogging for a bit (a very short bit) when i was having a hard time ... It gave me a bit of alone time and it helped me clear my head. By the time i got back home i was wiped out, and only had enough energy for a shower and to crawl into bed ... I didn't have the energy to worry about whatever was bothering me. It kind of put things into perspective.

For right now, you have to believe that she's okay ... Unless you have reason to believe others.


Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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