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Author Topic: i just need someone to talk to...
girly girl
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(very long... sorry)

well, to put it bluntly, the last year has been the worst of my life. to start off, i do not get along with my parents. they are condecending and are always tearing me down as a person. telling me i'm worthless, will amount to nothing, etc. it hurts. i've been told this (or other similar comments) since as long as i can remember.

well, last year was my first year at college. i went away, stayed in a dorm. i loved it. i was finally free from my parents, something i'd dreamed about since i was about 7 (not college, but being away from my parents).

a little background, when i was 9, i suffered a head injury that basically rendered me clinically depressed. i was on and off different medications for years, went through numerous tests, brain scans, etc.

so, i finally make it to college, the first few weeks go pretty well, then i fall into a slump. i don't sleep at night, i can't eat, i can't even get myself out of bed to go to class. i failed the entire semester. i go home for winter break. **** hits the fan with my parents, blah blah. towards the end of january, my best friend hooks me up on a date with a guy she met at work. he was about 25 or so. we talk on the phone a few times, etc. he invites me to go watch a movie. of course, we seemed to get along great, so, i went.

now, picture this... i'm 5' tall, maybe 105 lbs fully clothed, and he's about 6'4 and 250lbs of muscle (think THE HULK). ok, he works out a lot, that's cool. we go in to watch the movie at his house (he lives with his parents, or was home for vacation or something like that, i forget the details) needless to say, we kissed, i was fine with that. but, after about 5 minutes or so of that, he started getting pushy, held me down with one arm (which didn't seem to be that hard, his arm was the size of my waist) and tore my pants off, ripped my underwear, and raped me.

i don't remember driving home. i didn't tell my parents, because my mom has a habit of throwing anything bad in my life, in my face, and telling me it's my fault. so, i talked to a close friend of mine when i got home (some time around 4am or so...). i didn't cry at all, i was just numb. i didn't know what to think. i tried to rationalize what had happened, that, i led him to think it was ok, or that i gave him the idea that i wanted to have sex with him... but, i knew better. i ended up talking to my ex-boyfriend the next day (we had dated for 2 and 1/2 years and had been broken up a year and 1/2 at this point, but were still fairly close friends). i told him i didn't know what to do, and i was freaked out. he calmed me down, we talked for a bit, he told my parents.

my mom freaked out. she called them Womens Clinic (or something like that) and started yelling at me i refused to go home. i finally drove home later that night, and agreed to go to the hospital with my mom to have a rape kit done.

unfortunately, since he wore a condom (which in a way is very fortunate for me) there was no physical evidence of rape (and also because there were no tears, etc inside me). so, even if i'd decided to press charges, it would just be my word against his, i let it go, and tried to get on with my life.

i went back to college 2 days later. and for a few weeks was hooking up with a few guys, i guess maybe trying to feel happy and satisfied and loved again? i really don't know. (within this time frame, every time i went home, which was about once a week to do laundry, etc... i hated it at school by then, every time my mom got pissed at me, she'd tell me "no wonder no one wants to be with you. no wonder your roomates moved out on you. no wonder your best friend never visits you. you're a horrible, disgusting person. you probably gave that "boy" the idea that you wanted to have sex with him, and that it was ok.. blah blah blah..." i can't tell you how much it hurts to hear your own mother say that to you, and make light of the worst event of my life to date)

around february, i started dating this guy, we'll call him joe. i fell for him hard. he was gorgeous (he used to model) funny, made me laugh, or personalities were similar, he was smart, and amazing in bed. pretty much the guy "every" girl dreams about.

well, aparantly, one night in april, the condom broke, and he never told me. a few weeks later, i noticed my breasts were getting bigger, and i was EXTREMELY sick... ALL DAY.

i went home that weekend, and had my best friend buy me a pregnancy test (i was too nervous to buy it) and it came back positive. i called him up, and said "hey, i need to talk to you". his response was "i know what you're going to say". he then told me about the condom ripping, etc. i asked him why he didn't tell me, and he said he didn't think it was a big deal

of course, i couldn't tell my parents, and i was failing again. i went to the doctor, and he confirmed that i was indeed pregnant. he told me to come back in 2 weeks for another exam. i went back, and was told that it didn't look as though it was developing into a "living" fetus. which was i guess in a way, good. i no longer had to make the decision to end a life before it began, or raise a child that i couldn't support.

i finished the semester at school, failed all my classes, again. went home, sick beyond anything i've ever felt before. of course, i couldn't let my parents know. i walked around with a smile outside, while crying inside. i was yelled at, every day, for one thing or another. for being lazy, for sleeping in, for not doing my chores in a timely fashion. there were so many times that i just wanted to yell at them "I'M PREGNANT!! STOP YELLING AT ME!!" but i couldn't.

i went in for a DNC in may. the guy i was seeing came with me, although i knew he didn't want to be there. as soon as he found out i was pregnant, the relationship died. he was always busy, never had time, stopped calling me and leaving me cute voice mails, etc. he stopped asking me to come visit him, he stopped caring. he complained about having to come, that he had to take off of work and drive 2 hours so he could come with me.

i had the procedure done, and was out of the hospital within 2 hours or so. he drove me back to my house, and i laid down in bed because i was exhausted, and hurting. he crawled into bed next to me, turn his back on me, and fell asleep. i cried. he didn't ask if i was ok, he didn't even touch me, let alone look at me.

we woke up about an hour later, and my parents had come home. they just thought he'd finally decided to come visit, and were happy to meet him. we ate dinner, etc. then he said he had to leave. i walked him out to his car, he said goodbye, gave me the most pathetic hug i'd ever had in my life, and left.

i've never felt so rejected in my life. here i was, suffering because of his stupidity (not telling me so i could have taken care of it before it got beyond my control). i had been pregnant with what would have been his child, and he couldn't even muster up the balls to at least FAKE that he cared? i was disgusted.

he then had the nerve to tell me that he "didn't think i wanted to be touched" later when i confronted him. did he bother asking me? no. who wouldn't want to be comforted and told "everything is going to be ok" after going through something like that? everyone needs a hand to hold when they go through a rough time in their life. i held my own hand.


i dunno, i don't have anyone to talk to about this, and it's royally ****ed me up in the head. i freaked out on a guy i started dating a few months ago, because i had a flash back of the rape. that relationship ended fairly quickly. i'm afraid to get attached to anyone, because everyone i seem to care about, always walks out on me when i need them most. i have no one to turn to anymore. i have one girl-friend, and her boyfriend refuses to let her talk to me or hang out with me. all my friends are guys. and i can't talk to them about this

i dunno why i wrote this all, i just needed to get it out. i'm so lost. i dunno what to do anymore

[This message has been edited by girly girl (edited 12-06-2004).]

[This message has been edited by girly girl (edited 12-06-2004).]

[This message has been edited by girly girl (edited 12-06-2004).]


Posts: 11 | From: NY | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jonton
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I can't believe that no one on here has replied to this. I was touched by your story, and even tho I cant relate in the slightest way...I can somehow feel what your going through. I'm a male sophomore in high school. I've never known of anyone personally who had been raped. But again, I feel what your going through. All I can say is that I'm truly sorry. I wish there was more of a way for problems like these to be solved. I'm here to talk, whenever.
~Jonton

Posts: 39 | From: Sterling, VA, USA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TreeKiller
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I`m almost speachless on this one...i have no idea how that all must feel but i`m in the same situation with my folks(still in high 11th grade) but i must say this...this whole thing has broght you some huge mental harm so the best person to talk to would be a profesional therapist.Just keep one thing in mind,people go through a lot of things in a lifetime(even if nobody should go through what you have),life isn`t fair but we have to deal with it and don`t go turning cold,shallow and alone & totaly anti-social(i was like that 1 year ago till my x made me feel again and even if i miss her i won`t give that up,i`m alive and should stay that way).First of you should make a plan to get your life back on track in such a way that you`l enjoy it and not have to go through crud like this again:
1. Get your school life back,start workin on that it`s worth it and can make a difference
2. Ride a bike or something to get the adrenaline pumping
3. Take therapy,put your past to rest(the hard part in other words)
4. Get away from your parents for the time being and when your ready confront them(about the time you finish collage)
5. Get better tastes in guys,muscles and a pretty face don`t always mean brain or heart.The guys you described seem to be about as deep as a puddle,find guys that are less shallow.
6.Stop being so "smile outside World War 3 inside",let it out...and be more sociable,you`l find your friends
7. Read good books and play good Games with good stories

I hope this may help but it`s just my point of view...good luck you disurve more,don`t let anybody tell you otherwise


Posts: 23 | From: Quebec | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TreeKiller
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Member # 19647

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I`m with Jonton on this one,your story tuched me in a weird way...but i`m a guy so i don`t realy know what most of what your said feels like
Posts: 23 | From: Quebec | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
girly girl
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Member # 21049

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thanks for the responses guys

quote:
Originally posted by TreeKiller:
I`m almost speachless on this one...i have no idea how that all must feel but i`m in the same situation with my folks(still in high 11th grade) but i must say this...this whole thing has broght you some huge mental harm so the best person to talk to would be a profesional therapist.Just keep one thing in mind,people go through a lot of things in a lifetime(even if nobody should go through what you have),life isn`t fair but we have to deal with it and don`t go turning cold,shallow and alone & totaly anti-social(i was like that 1 year ago till my x made me feel again and even if i miss her i won`t give that up,i`m alive and should stay that way).First of you should make a plan to get your life back on track in such a way that you`l enjoy it and not have to go through crud like this again:
1. Get your school life back,start workin on that it`s worth it and can make a difference
2. Ride a bike or something to get the adrenaline pumping
3. Take therapy,put your past to rest(the hard part in other words)
4. Get away from your parents for the time being and when your ready confront them(about the time you finish collage)
5. Get better tastes in guys,muscles and a pretty face don`t always mean brain or heart.The guys you described seem to be about as deep as a puddle,find guys that are less shallow.
6.Stop being so "smile outside World War 3 inside",let it out...and be more sociable,you`l find your friends
7. Read good books and play good Games with good stories

I hope this may help but it`s just my point of view...good luck you disurve more,don`t let anybody tell you otherwise



things have been getting really bad at home the last few weeks. i'm trying to sell my car (which is my pride and joy) because i have no money and my parents are fed up with me and refuse to help. hopefully, once i sell my car, i'll be able to move out. a friend of mine is moving to NC within the next month or so, i'm looking into moving down there also.

my father is a psychologist, so, i'm very familiar with therapists. i've been in and out of their offices since i was about 10 or 11 (i'll be 20 in a few weeks). so far, they're all a crock of **** , and are of no help. i'm going to be seeing a new therapist in a week or so, supposedly she's really good... we'll see. i really hope she is, i need someone to talk to, seeing as i really have no friends who i can let it all out with and bare my soul to.

i've finally gotten my school back on track... sort of. i'm passing 3 out of 4 of my classes... with my grades hovering around a B... which i'm pretty proud of

i'm not a big bike rider, and it's about 10 degrees out... so, it's out of the question unless i want to be an ice-pop. lol i usually take my car out for a drive (i own my dream car, 3000GT Vr-4), or work on it when i need to clear my head. unfortunately, since the car is in my parents name (i can't afford insurance if the car is registered in my name), if i try to take it out for a drive when we're in an argument, they threaten to call it in to the police as stolen, or uninsure it the next day if i do leave the house with it so, my one means of releiving my stress and clearing my head is blocked... i'm not ALLOWED to do what i need to do to calm myself down and keep myself from getting hysterical.

i dunno, hopefully, things will go well and i'll be able to move down to NC, and get my life together. because i know the longer i stay home, the closer i am to going over the edge.

my dad also got me a perscription for another type of anti-depressant... i forget the name. maybe this will help... God knows the rest of the medications did jack **** for me, and only made things worse (gave me HORRIBLE mood swings, made me tired all the time, etc.)

i've tried letting it all out. and it only got me hurt more. every time my mom gets angry at me, she tears me down as a person. if i tell her how hard of a time i'm having with something, she'll turn it around and make it my fault, rub it in my face, distort the truth to make it hurt me. my dad, he's never home, and he'll tell her anything i say to him. so, i'm left with no one to talk to. the psychologists i've seen, when i tell them everything i've been through, they just look at me dumbfounded, and say "i don't know what to say to that. you must feel horrible." well gee Einstein, you needed a degree to be able to tell me that? they're a joke. so, i write, well, i used to.

writing was my outlet, how i delt with my problems. i was my own therapist. i solved my own problems, and fought my own urges "to do bad things". i poured my heart onto that paper, then stuffed it in a box in the back of my closet. i've never looked at those papers since. i can't write anymore though. it turns into hate filled lines of malice towards my parents, towards "him", towards myself.

reading... i love reading. i've read every book i own. i read cases of books during the summer, for pure pleasure. if i had to guess, i've read close to 1,000 books, easily. i used to use them as my escape from reality, when things got bad at home with my parents when i was younger. i'd lock myself in my room, turn the lights off, crawl under the covers, turn on my flashlight, and read through a 400 page book in one night. it became an addiction, i got sucked in. the same with my writing and my artwork. when i'm writing, or drawing or reading, i'm totally unaware of what's going on around me. i'm in my own world, completely absorbed with what i'm doing. my dad refers to it as obsessive-compulsive. he likes to label me with his psycho-babble. i'm everything from obsessive-compulsive, clinically depressed, bi-polar, ADD... the list goes on.

as for my taste in guys... i don't have a particular "taste" per-se. they start out being great guys... smart, funny, make me laugh, we get along, etc. but the second i start to really like them, BAM! the jeckel-hyde effect. a completely different person, it baffles me.

wanna hear something "amusing"? the guy that got me pregnant, i haven't talked to in a few months. he IM'd me the other night. was all happy, smiley-like... ok thats cool. we BS for a few minutes, hi, hows it going, blah blah. he then tells me to look at his profile. "The Unlived Life" or something like that... a poem he wrote about his unborn son. WTF?! and as unfortunate as it may be, i don't think it was about me. i think it was about his ex, who he'd been engaged to a few years ago, who was pregnant with his kid (they were getting married like 2 months later), and had an abortion behind his back.

i don't think the poem was even about me. but COME ON! he KNEW how much i try not to think about it, and how hard that situation was on me. it was like a f*ck you slap in the face. i flipped out, started crying.

how can someone be so insensitive towards another person? does he just not get it? or is he just too wrapped up in himself that he's unaware of how he makes other people feel?

ugh, i've written way too much, once again. sorry about that.


Posts: 11 | From: NY | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TreeKiller
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Now i can`t say it was a pleasure yo read but i have to say i never went to a therapist,i need nobody telling me how i feel or something,i deal with my own problems all the time,at the most i ask my best friend for a bit of advice.I wish i`d have the posibility to talk to your folks to tell them they`r a couple or retarded inbred morons(i doubt i offended anybody with that,if i did sorry).I`m happy to hear your doin` better at school but i must say push even harder,make it so that you`l ace some classes.
Ok another YOU topic: STOP HATING YOURSELF!!!
It dose you no good,better yet: STOP HATING!!!
It dose you no good.Oh and about letting your f-up past go:Stop talkin to things from your past(Moron EX)
You owe it to yourself to stop all of the bad things going on with you.
Don`t shut yourself off from human contact,don`t hate your parents even if they treat you like dirt. Find some people that are worth being called your friends and have fun.Go Ice-skating(it`s the season affter all)...You`l find someone who loves you and won`t screw you over.
Oh and what about music,what do you like to listen to?

Posts: 23 | From: Quebec | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TiffanyLynn
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Hey. i was just readin over everything and i have to say i am truly touched. That and i just wanna send you on a cruise. How can your parents be so insensetive! I'm sorry hun. I really hope your new therapist is a great one because you sound like a terrific person who just has a few problems that need help being dealt with. and Yes, it can be done. I have had a few of my own bumb in the road and i saw a therapist who sincerely helped me get over my problem totaly. i hope your therapist can do the same. You need to do something just for YOU. Realize, what an awesome person you are too. Also, realize that what happened to you was in NO WAY your fault. Continue in college and pursue your dream. If you get interested in another guy, take it SLOWLY..it will build your trust again, and if he is the right guy, it will all be worth it. I reccomend GROUP dating at first, this way you'll get to see how he is around other people. If you try to do these things one day you will look back and all this will just be one bad memory, as for your parents i think they will regret the way they treated you.
I'm here anytime you need to talk!

Posts: 67 | From: Louisiana! | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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