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Author Topic: confused and sad
unhappykoger
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i thought i would ask for some advice and support. i cant ask anyone i know and in a minute you will know why.
to make it short i will leave out some stuff,
anyway here goes.......
friday night i slept with my husbands friends girlfriend, i have developed very strong feelings for her and she says she feels the same. we cant tell her boyfriend because he will get mad at my husband for some reason and he does know that we kissed. he doesnt know that we slept together. i know and the girl knows that he does not love her but wont break up with her because they have a baby and the only place she has to go is another state with her mom. my husband know everything that went on and he is ok with it. me and my husband want her to move in with us but we know that her boyfriend would turn psycho if she did. i dont know i guess what i really want is for her to join in our relationship, my husband agrees but her boyfriend despite the fact that they dont love each other would never allow it. he mentally abuses her everyday and it tears me up because she doesnt deserve it. she is a really great person, i want to be with her but i dont know what to do and neither does she. we are both soooo confused because we know what we want but we also know that it is impossible. we dont like sneaking around behind her boyfriends back but dont know what else to do. they came back over saturday and her boyfriend was uncomfortable at first (because me and her kissed) but he eventually got over it. what do i do. should we talk to him or keep sneaking around. by the way friday at the same time that me and her were messing around he kissed another girl. he wants to watch me and her together but i wont do it and she doesnt want to either so we will not do that. i really want to be with this girl, what do i do??????

Posts: 365 | From: dayton,ohio,u.s.a. | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Moonlight
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What a tough situation. My heart goes out to you.

It seems to me that even though it's all one big tangle, there are some separate issues here to be dealt with.

First, you say that your friend's boyfriend is in an emotionally abusive relationship. If she agrees that the relationship is abusive, and wants to get out, then in my opinion that should be everyone's first priority. She is not doing herself or her child any favors by staying, and chances are the longer she stays the harder it may be to get away. Contacting a local women's shelter would be an excellent idea for several reasons. Primarily, they have lots of experience helping women in similar situations and can give her legal and practical advice which you and your husband cannot. This isn't because you don't love her, but simply because chances are you don't have extensive experience in dealing with this sort of situation.

Second, there is the issue of your friend's relationship with you, and potentially your husband. I think it's wonderful that you have found each other, and that you are able to provide the love and support she needs. BUT (there's always a "but," isn't there?) I don't recommend "sneaking around." In addition to being just generally dishonest, what happens if and when her extremely jealous and potentially psycho boyfriend finds out? Far better, in my opinion, to help her get out of her current relationship, and then pursue the relationship you and she want to have.

As a final note, you describe your friend's boyfriend as being your husband's friend. If it all shakes down like it seems it might, that friend is going to be an ex-friend pretty quickly, I bet. Have you and your husband talked about this aspect? Is your husband okay with it?

Good luck to all of you, and keep us informed as to what happens.


Posts: 943 | From: Missouri, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
unhappykoger
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my husband is as confused as i am. and she wants to live with me and we want her to. she wants out of the relationship and it is hard because of the way he is. i want my husband to try to talk to him and see if they can break up and let her move in here and he can com eand see the baby anytime he wants. we dont want to sneak but we are all really confused right now. but i do agree with everthing you said, thank you
Posts: 365 | From: dayton,ohio,u.s.a. | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Moonlight
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(Note: This is all opinion. However, it's based on both experience and observation, so take it for what it's worth. )

Here's the thing. Your friend is an adult, and I strongly suspect that for her own current and future self esteem she needs to break out of the relationship on her own. That isn't to say that y'all can't be there for her, certainly you can and will. But your husband shouldn't have to be the one telling his friend, "Your girlfriend wants to break up your relationship and move in with us." She should do that, because it's HER relationship she's breaking off. If she's seriously worried about her safety when she tells him, then move her and the baby's stuff while her boyfriend is at work and have her call from your house, but SHE should make the call and talk to her to-be ex, tough as that may be.

If your friend cannot or will not make the move to break up for herself, then I would question whether she's really ready to make it at all yet. When a person is in a bad relationship, having a loving relationship "on the side" can be the inspiration that person needs to finally leave the bad relationship. On the other hand, the side relationship can sometimes make it easier to stay in the bad relationship, because now the person has a source of emotional support and comfort to make the bad times more bearable. In a way, they've got the best and worst of both worlds--the best in having the security of an old, known relationship along with the excitement, support, and love of a new relationship, and the worst because it could all blow up if things go wrong.

You haven't really said much about what your friend has said she wants and/or is willing to do to get out of her relationship (if indeed that is what she wants). Having a baby does make things more complicated, but if she is comfortable having her baby's father visit and/or babysit and lets him know that it should make things easier. In fact if they can agree on a visitation schedule they could even visit a low-cost lawyer to have it drawn up formally, if that would make him more comfortable with having her and the baby move out.

You and your husband are confused and your friend is probably confused, too. However, like I said back in the beginning, she is an adult, and there are decisions that she should only make for herself. No matter how much you and your husband love her, you've got to recognize that and help her to make decisions and support her in them, not make them for her.


Posts: 943 | From: Missouri, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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