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Author Topic: venting
defied
Neophyte
Member # 36539

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Hey everyone..I just need to vent.
I dont know why I'm so screwed up. My life really isnt THAT messed up. But I've cannot stop self-mutilating. Its become a horrible habit lately. At first i was just pulling out hair. But now its gotten worse. Over the past couple weeks, i've begun to hit myself with hard objects (i.e food hammer, wooden brush, etc.), and beat myself with a belt. I only really do it on my shouders/collar bone, back, and hips..so my parents dont really notice all the bruises and raw skin, espcially since i just wear short sleeved shirts to hide it. I think my bruises make me look a lot prettier..even stronger. But i just CANT stop doing it. It's become so bad that I HAVE to beat myself atleast 3-4 times a day. I want to stop so badly, really. I just cant. I do it so much, because I blame myself for EVERYTHING. My mom went on a diet, she's already underweight/barely average weight & she's on a DIET. I got extremely mad at myself when I found out. She told me that she use to be anorexic, so i'm really worried that she's going to be doing that again. But I can only blame myself for her being on a diet. And it just makes the self-injury habit worse. My mom wont let me get a counselor, because she said that they will probably "go against our.. (mostly her) religious beliefs." She told me that if i need to talk about it, I can talk to her and one of my friends. But the problem is..I cant do that. I've never been able too. I dont let people know that I'm having problems in my life..not even my bestfriend. No one has ever seen me loose my cool. I cant tell my mom anything...because she will most likely get mad at me. I know if she found out about my self-injury, she'd probably be pissed..& i get extremely scared & anxious when she gets mad. And i just freeze up..I make up lies to make things better. I apologize.
I admit, that even if I did talk to a counselor..i'm pretty sure I wont be able to stop hurting myself. I've tried all the other coping methods...writing in a journal, taking a walk, etc. But it just doesnt work for me. I need to take my problems out on myself..because I'm the one that most likely caused them anyways.

[ 04-25-2008, 01:47 AM: Message edited by: definedhearts ]

Posts: 25 | From: California | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

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Hi definedhearts,

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much at the moment. I read your post from January, you've been going through this stuff for a while. It sounds like you've been working really hard on getting over this by yourself but its time for some outside help.

Know that your mom is an adult and she alone is responsible for her actions, including diet. Her actions cannot be your fault.

I can tell how much you want things to get better. If you cant talk to your friends and family please talk to an outside person. If you're at school or college, are you able to see a counsellor there without your parents permission? You could talk to your family doctor. You mentioned dance and pilates in the last post- could you talk to a coach or teacher there? If you attend church, is there someone you trust there to talk to?

Finally, you could call a hotline. I've called those myself during hard times. Theyre good at talking people out of crisis situations, like if you were about to hurt yourself. They could also refer you to any free services in your area.

You're not alone. There are many people who self-harm and there are many people who get over self-harming. This can get better.

Keep venting here as you need to, take care of yourself and please seek some outside help.

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Blue Koi
Activist
Member # 39785

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Definedhearts,

I read your "vent" message, and I just wanted to show my support for you. You can do it! You've already identified the things you want to stop, so that is a good start. I agree with eryn_smiles: your mom is an adult! her problems ARE NOT YOUR FAULT!!! I repeat: NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT.

You know, I can't imagine the situation you are in, but I felt the same way about keeping my emotions in. You feel like you should be strong enough to handle your emotions. You want to be the strength. You don't want to burden anyone with your problems. I noticed that you mentioned that bruises make you feel stronger. I see that you take pride in being able to shoulder your problems and keep them to yourself. Sometimes I think that it takes me even MORE courage to admit to someone else what issues are bothering. Are they going to think I'm weird for making such a big deal about this? Are they going to judge me? And most of all is the fear of actually confronting my problems full-on because when I talk about my problems, when Iverbalize it and it is out for everyone to see, including myself, it becomes a reality. And then you have to actually DISCUSS it, which is really really hard.

When I talked to my psychologist teacher about my problems with my mom, it was really hard. But at the end, I felt like a wave of relief. My teacher didn't really help me, but talking out loud about it did. And I was proud of myself for taking action. It felt like I was making progress. It took a lot of guts and made me feel stronger.

Really, you aren't alone. If you think that your pain is invisible to everyone else, don't wait for someone to notice, make them notice by just flat out TELLING them. For me, that is the only way I can be truthful to myself, is to just tell them the real problem. You don't always have to go to a counselor, either, if you think that's intimidating. A support group is good too. The key is to tell someone, for your own sake, so that you have the comfort of knowing that you were strong enough to tell someone, and that you know someone cares enough to listen. It will boost your esteem.

I'm rooting for you! good luck. I believe in you.

--------------------
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

Posts: 171 | From: USA/CHINA | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
defied
Neophyte
Member # 36539

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Hey guys, just wanted to give you an update since it's been awhile. Thanks for all the replies!
Well about the end of May I stopped my habit of self-mutilating by myself and I kind of got out of my funk of depression (only for a few weeks). But then i struggled with anorexia (more like EDNOS i think), and I still sort of am. It's an on and off kind of thing.
My depression just started getting to its really bad point within the last month or so, and my older brother recognized it. I've been having extreme anxiety issues also. I even had a panic attack just because I was forced to call and order pizza...(stupid i know). My brother has the same problems, so he told me that I should go to the doctors like he did and that they would help.

So I actually went to my peditrician, and she thinks that I have some sort of anxiety disorder and chronic depression. She referred me to a counselor, and thats a good thing because I just started getting into the habit of cutting again.
So hopefully I'm on the road to recovery.
Thanks for the support guys. :]

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eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

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It does sound like you're on the way to recovery-Well done!

Hope the counselling goes well for you. Your brother sounds like a really good support for you too.

(Panic related to food- NOT stupid. Pretty common in people with eating disorders).

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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