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Author Topic: My Boyfriend+ My Eating Disorders= Bad Situation
Miss Thang
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Ever since my boyfriend found out about my eating disorders (I'm bulimic and anorexic), he has constantly been asking me if I threw up today, what I ate today, when I'm gonna stop doing this, why I do this, etc. I know he's concerned, and whenever he bothers me with these questions, he's also like, "I'm just worried about you, I want to help you, I don't want to see anything happen to you, etc", but I'm figuring this all out on my own, ya know? I'm trying to stop, but it's going to take a while. And he won't accept that. Today he asked me to promise him that I'll never make myself throw up EVER again. And I can't make a promise like that. Bulimia is a compulsive thing, like smoking. You can't just quit cold turkey. Help me! What can I tell him that will get him off my back?
Posts: 211 | From: Chicago, IL | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Celtic Daisy
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It's good to hear that your boyfriend cares about you.

If you really want him to lay off a bit, tel him that. Tell him that it is a problem, give him some reading material, and let him know it's not as simple as just stopping. But allow him to be supportive to you too, because you may need that.

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"where'ths my mommy?"
-Shawna

Akimsa (non-violence)

~Erin~


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alaska
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Yup, I agree with Celtic - have you talked to him about it, and why you can't promise something like "I'll never make me throw up again"?

However, try to see it through his eyes - this is a new and probably very scary thing for your partner, and he tries to understand why you do this to yourself and wants you to get better. - Seems though, that he might need some more info on eating disorders so that he realizes that trying to talk someone into "just giving it up" is not a very good strategy.
Are you in counselling for your disorder, Miss Thang? If so, make sure you discuss this with him/her. Maybe your counsellor knows about some resources for friends and family of people with eating disorders. If you aren't getting support by a pro yet (which I would really urge you to seek then), why not have a look at your local library for some books on eating disorders and how you can handle them as a family member or friend. I think if your partner gets some more info (and you let him come to you with any questions he might have afterwards), and you let him be part of getting better (that can be on your rules, obviously, and doesn't mean you have to tell him everything, but you should let him know how you are doing, and if there is anything he can do for you), the situation can improve for both of you.

A similar thing happened in my relationship, even though it wasn't an eating disorder, but depression. It took my partner an awful long time to realize what was going on inside my head and what he could do to help and that really wasn't easy for him. Getting unbiased information (i.e. not from you, but from a counsellor or a book) is the first step, in my opinion.

Good Luck, hon.

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Caro
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"Through repetition the magic will be forced to rise."
Alchemical Precept


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cupcake
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I've had it happen.
My bf found out that i have this tendency to deviate towards un-healthy little friends, ie drugs, alcohol, and smoking, especially when i get upset.
and he would get really all concerned, with reason. but he would do the same thing: have you taken anything today? how much? etc.
it drove me nuts. it really felt like he was infringing on MY life.

In all honesty, it drove me nuts. I mean, he had a point, but at teh same time, as irrational as it sounds, i wanted to have control over taht part of my life. i do it, i do it, i don't i don't.
In the end, it drove us apart, cause he couldn't stand it anymore.

That's not to say i didn't try to stop, but i couldn't never stay away from it for more than a month. He would make me promise, and then be dispointed when i couldn't.
Try to see it from his side, a person in his life taht he cares about is going through something tough that maybe he doesn't understand.


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Miss Thang
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Thanks for all the advice, girls. The conversation I talked about ended last night with him being mad at me, and I really haven't talked to him since, so I'm waiting for him to give me a call. I don't think he has a right to be mad at me, and it's really the worst thing he can do in this situation. It's not as if I've lied to him; I've been completely honest with him from the start. He got mad because I wasn't "taking him very seriously": I was making jokes and stuff. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I use humor to help me cope with things. And I think that this is about me coping with it, not me helping him cope with it. I'd be happy to tell him what it's like to have an eating disorder, or get him a book on it or something, but it's something that I have to think about enough on my own without being confronted about it by him. Anywho, thanks for the support.
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Sapphire85
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I know exactly where you're at.. I'm dealing with what I think is an ED (I haven't been formally diagnosed), and I think my boyfriend is having a hard time dealing. I know there's no way he's ever fully going to comprehend, and I used to get mad when he would try to help in vain, but I realized that he's not going to be the one healing me. I need to do it by myself. And our relationship has been going through some rough times anyways, so this is just one more thing for us to deal with. I feel guilty for putting it on him. Today, I finally asked my guidance counselor at school for a phone number or something, because I really do want to stop, but I know I can't do it alone. I don't know if I'm going to be able to actually call, though. That's going to take alot, especially sinnce I'd rather not tell my parents. Anyways, if you need to talk, I'm here and understand.

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"Do what you will, always..
Walk where you like, your steps...
Do as you please,
I'll back you up.." ~DMB


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alaska
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quote:
Originally posted by Miss Thang:
He got mad because I wasn't "taking him very seriously": I was making jokes and stuff. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I use humor to help me cope with things. And I think that this is about me coping with it, not me helping him cope with it. I'd be happy to tell him what it's like to have an eating disorder, or get him a book on it or something, but it's something that I have to think about enough on my own without being confronted about it by him.

So now that the talk didn't go well and stuff still isn't resolved.
I guess you must have indeed send some odd signals to your partner if you were joking about it all at the same time (and duh, I know that behavior from myself, too, - not show anyone how shitty everything really is), but that still hasn't helped, so how about writing your partner a letter and explaining it to him in writing? - And explaining how hard this issue is for you, and that your joking just shows that you have trouble dealing with it, not that you don't take him seriously.

Again, try to see it from his viewpoint: he is worried about you; and why this shouldn't be about you helping him cope with your disease, you need to understand that, too. It's an alien world for him, and he is scared and worried.

In any way, as I said before: if you aren't getting any professional help, get that now. For yourself.

If you need any resources, I'd be glad to help you find some.

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Caro
~Scarleteen Sexpert~

"Through repetition the magic will be forced to rise."
Alchemical Precept


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VBchica
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HI--- how can u be bulimic and anorexic? Im not being rude, im just confused because i thought that they were 2 pretty different things
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emsily0
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they're 2 different things, but they're not mutually exclusive. as i understand it, anorexia-bulimia is when the person eats very little, and sees even moderate food intake as "binging" and then purges (makes him- or herself throw up).

it's very destructive.

correct me if i'm wrong, please.

em

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Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk - real straight talk about souls - for life is holy and every moment is precious. I heard the Denver and Rio Grande locamotive howling off in the mountains. I wanted to pursue my star further. -Kerouac


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Miss Thang
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emsily was right. i hardly eat at all during the day, but then my parents make me eat dinner, and i throw that up. or if i go out with my friends, i eat so that they don't become suspicious, and then i throw it up. so when i can help it, i don't eat much. but when i'm forced to eat by people or circumstances, i throw it up.
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Miss Thang
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Ahhh! It's getting worse. He accepted the fact that I can't promise to never throw up again, but now he'll make me promise now to throw up today, or not to throw up this week, and I sometimes will keep those promises, but it's hard, ya know? Last time I promised, I broke the promise, and then when he asked if I kept the promise, I lied and said that I didn't throw up, and then he says, "You swear?" and then I told the truth. And got really upset that I 1)broke the promise and 2)lied. And I understand why he's mad. I make an effort to always understand where he's coming from. But I feel like he doesn't make the same effort. I want to tell him that I don't like the way he handles it, but I'm afraid that he'll just get upset and be like "Fine, I'll never talk to you about it again" (Cause he's like that sometimes). And I don't want him to never talk to me about it again, because I don't wanna feel alone in this. But I can't stand the way he handles it. What should I do?
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alaska
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Hi miss,

sounds like the combo of you dealing with your eating disorder and your partner and your eating disorder really is getting to you.

Really, I think your best bet would be to start discussing your problems with a professional. Your partner cares for you, and quite obviously has a hard time seeing you hurt yourself (because that is what you are doing when throwing up, and I bet you know that) and don't know how to help you but trying to make you stop somehow. Nope, it obviously isn't the right way, and you should tell him that, but it just shows his helplessness, I guess.

Dear, really, try to reach out to an eating diorders helpline and take it from there. That won't just help you get the help you need, but it will send your partner the message that you are reaching out and wanting to change the situation.

Do you need any resources? I'd be glad to provide soem.

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Caro
~Scarleteen Sexpert~

"Through repetition the magic will be forced to rise."
Alchemical Precept


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Miss Thang
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Thank you. I actually am in a support group, and my boyfriend knows that. I'd like to see some of your resources, thank you. We do get a lot of info at my support group, but I guess it never hurts to have more. Thanks!
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alaska
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What kind of support group are you going to Miss? From what you've posted, without wanting to sound too harsh, it sounds like you might want to check out some more intense help then the one you're getting, hm? With eating disorders, a coordinated effort involving several specialists usually has the most promising outlook. Of course, you need to want to change and realize that what you are doing is harming you first.

Your first step should always be seeing your doc; your GP can help determine how much damage your eating disorder has already done to your body and also help you in finding good alround care: a psychiatrist or psychotherapist and a nutritionist for example.

The following websites and organisations

American Anorexia/Bulimia Association, Inc.
239 Central Park West
Suite 1R
New York, NY 10024
212-501-8351 http://www.edap.org/

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders
P.O. Box 7
Highland Park, IL 60035
847-831-3438 http://www.anad.org/

The National Eating Disorder Information Center (Canada) http://www.nedic.ca/
lists extensive resources at http://www.nedic.ca/resources.html
http://www.something-fishy.com/

National Institues for Mental Health: Eating Disorders http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/eatingdisordersmenu.cfm

Most of these websites feature extensive resource sections, so take a look, and make sure you get high quality help in real life. If what you are doing now isn't helping, get different help. In a dire situation of having an eating disorder, online stuff or help given by laypeople (no matter how well meaning they are) just isn't enough.

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Caro
~Scarleteen Sexpert~

"Through repetition the magic will be forced to rise."
Alchemical Precept


Posts: 4526 | From: germany | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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