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Author Topic: How to deal....
CuriouS GeorgE
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Hey Everybody. I haven't written in a while but I've been really busy and gone for the summer and whatnot. But I really need some help now. I'm not doing so well. You see, last Sunday night between 8:30pm and 9:30pm, my ex-boyfriend and good friend shot himself in the chest and died of internal bleeding. I feel pretty guilty. I know you guys are going to write back and say that it's not my fault and I guess I know that, it's just that, when I broke up with him, he was very depressed and told me he was going to do it. He walked around school alone, showed up at friends houses crying and etc. My friend even called him one night and he had that very same gun to his head. We convinced him not to do it, but I never told anyone! (STUPID) I know I should have, I really wish I did and I've been beating myself up over it because if I would have told someone, then he could have gotten help. He also told another good friend of mine this summer that he hated life and wanted to die, while he was crying. Now, there are a lot of rumours floating around and a lot of people think it's because of his most recent ex girlfriend which I doubt because he did this on Sept. 30 and they broke up in June. Some think it was because of me...we'll never know I guess. His parents haven't found any notes or anything. He was too smart for that.
Anyways, no one really knows why he did it, but we all have our theories. His parents were really hard on him (obviously because they loved him and just wanted to protect him) and I do honestly believe, no, I KNOW that when I broke up with him and he threatened to do it, that was what started it all. He wasn't depressed all the time, but when he was down, he was REALLY down. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. After we broke up, we were ok for a while, then we got into a HUGE fight and hadn't talked for a LONG time. We just started talking again last June and just lately in the new school year we started talking more and I was sitting beside him on FRIDAY before he did it and we were smiling and laughing! I feel really guilty that I just wasted so much time being mad at him and my friend told me (his most recent ex-g/f) that all he had kept telling her was that he just wanted to be friends again. That makes me really sad. So I'm feeling pretty bad. On top of that, I got to the wake last Tuesday, and I had bought him a cross for his chain 2 years ago. He wore that thing EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE. I even think he wore it in the shower. Even when we fought, even when we broke up, he still wore it. BUT, when I looked at his chain at the wake, it wasn't there! His other ex had bought him one too and it wasn't there either. So we asked his mother about it and she said that whatever he was wearing was however they found him! So, he purposely took them off. We asked his mother to let us know if she found them so we could have them back and she said she would. She did find the other girls, but not mine and this has me REALLY shooken up. The biggest problem for me is that I've never lost someone close to me and I don't know how to deal with it. It's still a shock and I don't wanna believe it. The other day I was thinking that maybe if I'm really good, he'll come back. Then I realized I was thinking that. I'm pretty depressed right now and I just want to jump in front of a car speeding on the highway. The week that he died, my cat died as well and me and my boyfriend of almost two years broke up, so you see I'm having a ROUGH time. (We're going out again tough.) I just can't get my mind off it and he's all I'm thinking of. I'm just so depressed. I'm really afraid of the dark too. It makes me ashamed of myself that now he's gone, I appreciate him more than I did when he was here. I wish it was me and not him. I have never met someone so multi talented in my life. He wanted to be a plastic surgeon. All his marks were in the high 80's. He was an AMAZING guitar player, everyone knew him for it, he was a great artist and athlete, and an awesome friend. Please, somebody help me out here....I don't know how to deal with all of this and no one really knows how upset I am. I'm happy however that at the wake, I got to apologize and tell him how I felt all alone because I was at the wake all day. All of this just seems so unrealistic... such a waste. Plus, when we broke up and got into that huge fight, I threw out everything he ever gave me, so I pretty much have nothing to remind me of him except a beautiful ring he bought me when we went out. So somebody, please help me out. I just don't want to be alive. It seems so unfair. Sorry this was so long. Thanks for listening....

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CuRioUs GeoRGe

Love is an irrisistable desire to be irrisistably desired.
-Robert Frost


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Lady Moonlight
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<hugs>

You're grieving, and the stuff you are feeling is normal. That's the first thing to get through your head. It's okay to be sad, it's okay to be angry. And, when the time is right, it will be okay to laugh again and to remember the good times that you and your friend had when he was alive.

The problem with suicide is that it leaves your friends and family behind to clean up the mess, both physically and emotionally. It's a cheap way out. It's also a decision made by the person who kills him or herself, and it is NEVER the fault of other people around the person who commits suicide. You and he may have gone through some rough times, but you ended as friends, remember that.

So (and yes, you knew I would say this), don't blame yourself. It's too bad you didn't tell anyone about his suicide threats, but that's in the past, and it sounds like you weren't the only one who didn't take him seriously. And even if you had told, there's no guarantee that he wouldn't have killed himself anyway.

I would really suggest that you talk to somebody (in person, I mean) about this, preferably a counselor who can help you deal with your grief. Dealing with the death of somebody you care about is never easy, and the suicide of a friend is many times worse. So find a school counselor, a minister, or some other trained adult who can help you through this rough time.

Take care.


Posts: 943 | From: Missouri, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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I first have to say that i agree w/ LadyMoonlight 110%. You really do have to know that none of this is your fault. It's really hard to believe, i know, but it's super important.

People that say that they're going to commit suicide need help. I'm sure you know that already. Anything you say to them isn't going to change they're mind. He needed professional help, and for whatever reason, didn't recieve it. This isn't your fault. Or anyones fault. Depression is an illness, and just like colds don't get better over nite, depression doesn't either. You have to work at it.

I really do think it's somewhat normal to have thoughts of suicide, especially after someone so close to you has just died. However, you really do need to express these feelings to someone else. Maybe your mom or your boyfriend ... Just someone to confide in. While you may have no plans of actually following through w/ what you say, that doesn't mean you don't hurt the people around you by saying it.

I also defineatly agree w/ LM in saying that you need to find some professional help as well. Family support is an excellent thing to have, but a professional councelor is really the key here. Please, please find someone to talk to. Someone you trust. You might not like the first person you see, but keep looking. Good therapists are out there.

Best of luck ...


Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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You know, sweetheart, I remember feeling very similarly, with two great exceptions:

1) My boyfriend was my sunb, moon and stars and he suicided very violently in spite of that love. I *was* there for him, we *were* very close, and we were well on our way to some very improved circumstances in both our cases, but you know, he did it anyway.

2) I was suicidal until that day, with several too-close calls in my history. I had had tons of therapy and everything else and while I was feeling better with therapy, support and love, I still had fleeting thoughts of it. Until that day: having to go through the scene see it all, go through the wakt the funeral, and later -- honestly -- years of struggling to deal with that, well, it made clear to me how much it ravages everyone around you, and even with my tragedies and my horrible pain at times, there really is no way it could equal up to what others would be put through.

Things like this quite often are a very long haul. I'll be forthright and tell you that I didn't get over my boyfriends death in a month, a year, or even five. At this point, it's been over 15 years, and frankly, it still has some impact on my life. It is a big deal, and it is terribly hard. But one does get through it. Suicide does complicate feelings, but we do all die in time, and sometimes, we choose that, and suicide isn't the only way that can happen. It's a very hard part of life to face up to, but a very real one.

But it's really doubtful there was anything you could have done: your ex and friend made the choice to do with his life what he did, and as much as it hurts, that was his choice to make, and he made it. Obviously, he must have been in great pain to feel that desparate.

So, grieve. Feel compassion, and take the time to work through all of your feelings, including the gult, which is naturaaal: even if you'd done everything in the world for him, you'd probably still have it, honestly.

Ask his parents for something of his, perhaps. It can be comforting. And do seek out some support, either from friends, family or a therapist. My therapist made exceptions to see me daily for the first week after Matthew died, and even spent the whole first night with me. That's what I needed, so don't be lax to ask for what you need.

But before you think about speeding highways, really experience how you're feeling right now. Likely, your ex didn't know how much it'd hurt everyone else, but you know, you do know.

I wish you the best, lass.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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CuriouS GeorgE
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How ironic... my friends name was also Matthew. I have a page you could go to see his obituary, unfortunately there is no picture. Maybe later I can scan a couple pictures of him for you guys. And for the record, all of you guys keep saying that even if I got help, he may have done it anyways, but if I would have gotten him help, it would have been professional help. I do want some kind of help to sort through my problems but I have a feeling no one would take it seriously. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. Perhaps because I'm not a family member or a girlfriend. (Mind you, he was single when he died.) Thanks so far guys...

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CuRioUs GeoRGe

Love is an irrisistable desire to be irrisistably desired.
-Robert Frost


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CuriouS GeorgE
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Sorry guys, here's his obituary: http://www.thesudburystar.com/obit/search.asp
and type in ROBERTI for last name and MATTHEW SHAWN ROBERTI will come up. I'll try to get some pictures for everyone.

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CuRioUs GeoRGe

Love is an irrisistable desire to be irrisistably desired.
-Robert Frost


Posts: 76 | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Moonlight
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quote:
Originally posted by CuriouS GeorgE:
And for the record, all of you guys keep saying that even if I got help, he may have done it anyways, but if I would have gotten him help, it would have been professional help.

Even people in therapy kill themselves sometimes. Again, Matthew's suicide is in no way your fault. He made a choice, for whatever reason, and if there is any blame, it is his alone.

quote:
I do want some kind of help to sort through my problems but I have a feeling no one would take it seriously. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. Perhaps because I'm not a family member or a girlfriend. (Mind you, he was single when he died.) Thanks so far guys...

He was a good friend and someone whom you cared about a lot. You are deeply affected by his death, and that alone is reason enough why you should have help if you feel you need it. Only somebody extremely insensitive would belittle your right to the feelings you have and your need to seek help in dealing with those feelings. Please, talk to somebody. If you like and trust your school counselor, that's a good place to start. A minister, a teacher, or another adult you trust might also be people to talk to. Even if the first person you talk to doesn't feel qualified to counsel you, they may be able to refer you to somebody who is.


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John Doe
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First I want to say how sorry i am for your loss. I also want to agree with those who have told you not to blame yourself.
However, I do think that this points up just how important it is to take it seriously when someone you know starts talking about wanting to end it. Sadly suicide is one of the leading cuases of death of adolesent boys (actualy #3 after accidents and homicide, and some of the accidents are really suicides in disguise). While it is generally not a good thing to betray a friend's confidence, this is an exception.
While obviously there is no guarantee that if you had told someone, that he wouldn't have done it anyways. it was his decision, not yours. I don't want to make you feel guilty because you shouldn't and that is the last thing you need right now. On the other hand, this is the sort of moment to remind people to take these sorts of threats very seriously. Tell someone, a teacher, your friends parents, a coach, a guidence councilor, a pastor, somebody. Maybe, just maybe, if people recognize this some of these tragidies can be avoided in the future.

Posts: 475 | From: ohio | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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