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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » bad memories, haunting

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Author Topic: bad memories, haunting
the1andonly
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Member # 4925

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Ive only told 2 people this. When I was about 5 or 6. Around there, my brother molested me. He was a couple years older than me. My parents found out. When they did, they didnt want to talk about it. Well lately everyone just forgot about it. Over the years mea nd my brother got close. And I forgot what happened.But a couple of weeks ago I told my best friend what happened to me. And now everytime I see him I want to hurl. The memory keeps haunting me. I feel like screaming. And I dont know what to do. I want it rid of my body. The thought. I just want it out of my head. Help please.
Posts: 23 | From: Erie, PA | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
littlechick
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my best friend that went through almost the same thing, only it was her dad and not her brother. when she was little he molested her and over the years she just forgot about it but then she decided to tell me and everything about it just made her sick. she talked about it to her mom and her close friends and we all helped her through it. i suggest that you talk to your parents or your brother about it now that you are much closer...ask him why he did it and any other question youve got...just try not to get too mad or upset about it in front of him or he might have a hard time talking about it...hope everything gets better for u!!!

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"No guy is worth your tears but when you find the one that is, he will never make you cry!"


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LilBlueSmurf
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I've been through pretty much the same thing ... And you can read all about it here

The only other thing i can say is this; Things dont go away on their own. This is only an issue for you right now b/c you've been keeping it in for so long, right now it just needs to get out. Now that it's out, it's had for you to imagine someone outside of your family (or those involved) knowing. The more you talk about it, the easier it'll be on you. It's really not healthy to keep such important issues like these to yourself. While you think it's not a problem when you're not talking about, it can sneak up on you when you least expect it. Then you're forced to deal w/ it. Why not do it now and get it over w/?

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I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
~ Anonymous

In a Smurf's world ...


Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
John Doe
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I think you need to have a long heart to heart discussion with your brother, not an angry confrontation, but an exploration of the feelings you had then and what you are feeling now. Keep in mind that he was only 7 or 8 at the time (ie jaust a couple of years older than you). How much force was involved in this, what was his perception of it at the time. Did he think of it a preying on you, or did he just think of it as playing doctor. What happened to him when your parents found out, did they talk to him, did they punish him in any way. If he was punished, how did he feel about it at the time, did he understand what he was doing was wrong (if indeed it was coercive it was wrong, if it was just playing doctor exploration, it was pretty natural) I can understand your parents not wanting to talk about it to you at the time, and they were doing the right thing, they were minimizing the psychological impact of it on you. By taking that approach, they allowed you and your brother to get close over the years, and that is a much better situation than wanting to hurl every time you see him. The only way you are going to get back to being closer to your brother is to have a long good open talk with HIM. I think a good long heart to heart with your parents is also in order.
Posts: 475 | From: ohio | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rio
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I've been through a similar situation. I'd give you a link to my story if I knew how to post a link,heh. I want you to know that you don't have to talk to your brother about this if you don't want to. I would find that very difficult. You have every right to be angry at him, because what he did was WRONG. Age has nothing to do with whether it was abusive or not. Growing close to him doesn't mean that you condoned what he did to you. Not at all. Its kinda a survival mechanism. I did the same thing with the people who hurt me. Your parents didn't do the right thing by ignoring what happened to you. They should have taken some kind of action to change the situation. Your brother should have gotten in trouble for what he did. Its not your fault. What they did may have made the situation worse. If you don't want to talk with your parents about this please find an adult you can talk with. Talking really helps and it sounds like you need some support(judging by the tone of your post). Some good people you could talk to are trusted adult friends, clergymen, trusted family members, school guidance counselors and many other people. This is really hard stuff to work on and it takes time. I hope that this will help.

Rio

P.S. JohnDoe I found your post pretty hard to read. If she had doubts about this stuff you may have just compounded them. Please be careful how you say things.

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"There are a lot of hidden nerds. I'm aware of the exciting man in Trent The Nine Inch, but I can see the nerd in him, too. People who become the front runners often used to be outcasts or loners." - Tori Amos


Posts: 60 | From: near Indianapolis | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
John Doe
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Rio,
it is clear that we disagree completely on this one. What will your approach lead to? A family shattered and in disarray, Why? Because of the actions a boy took when he was 7 or 8 years old. Great advice! You don't know if the boy got punished or not. Clearly they grew closer as they grew older, that would certianly imply to me that there were actions taken to stop it, otherwise she would have talked about continuing abbuse that started when she was 5 or 6, not about what sounds like an isolated incident. So if it was a case where the brother did not realize what he was doing was wrong, and the parents had a good long chat with him about it, and he stopped, or if he knew what he was doing was naughty, and they had a good long chat with him while over their knee, it sounds like the activity stopped. Your advice to never forgive her brother for actions taken when he was a young child is downright irresponsible. yes the conversation might be a little uncomfortable, but it is the only way the family is likely to get back on track. Age has everything to do with if it is abusive or not. If the brother had been 21, that would be a different story, but just a couple of years older, come on they are peers, there is no inherent power differential between the two of them. How about just a little compassion or understanding of the brother. How would you want him punished, lock him up in jail for the rest of his life. If he knew what he was doing was wrong, and if he used coersion to do it, yeah some punishment would have been in order, say grounding him for a week or two, giving him a spanking, or early bedtime for a week. How about trying to come to a constructive solution to this rather than have 1 and only mire in self pity and hate her brother. What good will that do?
What the parents did was correct. A childs response to things greatly depends on how important adults in their lives react to it. If a child skins her knee, and mom freaks out, the child will be freaked out about it. if the parent reacts like its no big deal and just cleans it up wipes away the tears, and puts a band aid on it, the kid will be back outside happy and playing in minutes.
What will talking to a school guidence councelor acomplish. if the molestation were still going on, that could be useful in stopping it, but at this point what is it going to do. Talking to the brother will allow him to know how it felt for 1 and only, to express his remorse for what he did, and get on with the important work of forgiveness. Driving a wedge through this family is not the solution. If that is what has happened to you in your simalar situation, then you have been increadibly ill served by your councelors.

Posts: 475 | From: ohio | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Beppie
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I feel I have to step in here to say that this sort of thing is best dealt with with the help of a professional, and that no one should feel that they have to shy away from professional help when it is needed.

I agree that a 7-8 year old may not have known what he is doing, but in spite of that, it has obviously caused a lot of pain, and that pain is best dealt with when there is someone who has been trained in handling such situations present. I also think that perhaps talking to your brother could help, but only if you feel ready to do this. Professional help could bring you to the stage where you are ready for this, if you don't feel ready now, and also determine a lot better than any of us whether or not it is a good idea at all. Even if you do feel that talking to your brother now is something you want to do, and you do it, talking to a counsellor could help you resolve these issues within yourself.


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John Doe
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People might just want to step back and consider this from the brothers point of view for a second. I will assume that 1 and only is at least 13 yo. Here he is, now apx 15 years old and for the past several years he has had a good solid relationship with his sister. Now all of a sudden she is starting to weird out on him. If she doesn't talk to him, how is he supposed to know what this is all about, after all this incident took place 7 or 8 years ago, at a minimum. Now his sister, who he had been getting along just fine with, wants to hurl every time she sees him. How is he supposed to make the connection if she doesn't talk to him. Is he supposed to be a mind reader? This happened because she decided to tell her friend about it. What was the friends reaction, and did that do anything to stimulate the problem that 1 and only is having now?
There is a good chance that he does not even remember it. If he does, there is a good chance that he just percived it as playing doctor.
Some of these questions can really only be answered by 1 and only, I am only really speculating here, as are Rio, Beppie, Smurf and everyone else that posted here in response.
1 and only,
I really do want to help, and I am sure that Rio does too, even though our approaches to the problem are diametrically opposed. I do think we need some more input from you to help though.

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the1andonly
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Ok. 1. Im not 13. 2. I was 5 he was 8/9. 3. If you dont know thats wrong, then I dont know waht to think. and 4. It hard to tlak to people about. Any other approches?
Posts: 23 | From: Erie, PA | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
John Doe
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You didn't state your age, but I figured that 13 would be the minimum. I never said that I didn't think it was wrong. What I was questioning was if your brother knew it was wrong. I also took you litterally when you said he was a couple of years older than you. Look you said that up until a few weeks ago you had a good relationship with your brother, all I'm trying to do is help you figure out how to get that good relationship back. that will be much healthier for you than hating him.
Clearly your attitude towards him has changed greatly in the past few weeks, how has he reacted, does he know what is going on. the only way that you are going to be able to resolve this is through communication, and the two people who need to communicate are you and your brother. It is clear that you are huurting, but does your brother know that he huyrt you? Do you think that he ment to hurt you? Do you think he wants you hurting now? I'm NOT telling you to forget about it. But you do need to discuss it with him, let him know what it did to you. Only then can you get on with the very important business of forgiving him. Don't forgive him for his sake, do it for your own sake. Its the only way that you are going to be able to get rid of this torment. But before you can forgive him, he has to be repentant and ask for your forgiveness. How can he do that if he doesn't realize that this incident so many years ago really hurt you? If your brother is the same person he was a few months ago when you were getting along well with him, the brother you loved, and who loved you, he will be very sorry that he hurt you.

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LilBlueSmurf
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I agree w/ you John, on some points.

Playing doctor is a completely normal thing for kids to do. It's exploring bodies and making sure all the parts are in the right spot ... I know. But it's only okay as long as all parties involved agree to it. If it's not made clear to him that you want no part of it, how is he to know? Even better, it's not whether you voice your opinion as no, but it's important that you said yes ... That's is okay for "this" to continue.

It would help everyone here the1andonly if you would be a little more clear in what happened and of ages and how your parents reacted ... it helps us get a better view on the full situation instead of bits and pieces of it.

I really think that psychotherapy is the only way to go right now. You didn't say exactly what age you are, but you're obviously not 5 ... this must've happened almost a decade ago. The fact that your parents didn't talk about it w/ you really angers me, personally, in that most things get resolved best w/ communication. If you can't tell anyone what your problem is, they can't help you. Then everyone just gets all frustrated b/c your family who loves you doesn't want to see you hurting.

So ... in short, I stick to my original advice. Seek professional help for your whole family and maybe it might be a little easier for you to forgive your brother and it won't hurt so much to talk about it.

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I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
~ Anonymous

In a Smurf's world ...


Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
the1andonly
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umm just forget all about it. thanks anywayz
Posts: 23 | From: Erie, PA | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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