Has anybody else ever felt suicidal?? I know there are many great things in this world, but it's hard to be happy when they're not a part of your life. I'm sick of everything; I go to a school where I feel like I have no friends. Because I know the people I've considered my "friends" don't give a f*** about me. They backstab me constantly, and genuinely don't care that I'm alive. Today and yesterday I gave a try to hanging out with other people, people I actually feel comfortable hanging out with, and all I got was mean looks from my "friends" as they walked by. It was obvious they were talking lots of smack about me. I'm so tired of being so alone. I see everyone else an even the most introverted people have others and are loved. I have an enormous capactity for caring and sinnk my heart into everyone I meet; I care to a point where it works against me. Today, for the first time I like started almost cutting myself... I was digging a pencil into my arm and wrist repeatedly. I'm really losing faith in life. Everyone hates me, and it makes me hate myself. And I'm starting to hate everyone for hating me. At least the kids in school. I hate high school. I feel like no one can hep me, and I've always been helping myself but why am I so targeted?! I'd never dream of hurting somebody; I LIVE pain every day, I know it sooo well, and it's not something I'd ever ever ever want to bring upon somebody else. So I guess being nice works against me. So everything I am just makes everything worse for me. I go to a small private school full of rich kids with perfect lives and ridiculous egos. Seriously, I've tried SOOOOO hard to fix things with the people who don't treat me right, and we come to an agreement only for them to turn on me again in no time. I try talking to some of them about like how depressed I am and I find it extremely difficult to even get them to so much as listen! If ANYONE, ANYONE approached me and told me they thought about suicide or anything like that, I would do as much as I possibly could to help them. I've actually been in this position before, many people have called me when they were about to kill themselves and I did my best to talk them out of it (none of these people ended up attempting suicide, thank god). I just get really depressed and scared for myself. I hate gong to school, I just want to be somewhere where I'm actually liked. Just about all my "friendships" at school are so much work. I've kind of moved on from the people I used to hang out with because spending time with them means competing to see who can put other people down the most, while being funny at the same time. Bulsh. Immature bulsh. So I thought maybe these just aren't the right type of people for me to hang out with, but I'm deathly afraid of losing my spot in the group. I can't handle them treating me the way they do when I'm not "with" them. I think I've said enough to give a bit of insight into my situation. I am as alone as ever, I hate this.
------------------ "It's something unpredictable but in the end is right i hope you had the time of your life"
[This message has been edited by babygirl88 (edited 11-18-2004).]
Trust me I know how you feel. I think I'm the same way...I'm really nice, but its like no one notices, and if they do they don't give a damn.
But to be honest with you, I think people do notice people like us. You even said yourself that people on the verge of suicide have called you up asking for help. They know that you care and that you listen...and that's something to be proud of.
I can sympathize with you with regards to your "friends", who really don't seem very friendly at all. I go to a small school too, and the best piece of advice i can give you is to get involved with as many activities as you can handle, hopefully giving you access to as many different people as possible, and in the end you'll probably find some kids who you'd feel like you can fit in with.
Per the cutting issue, I think the best piece of advice i can give is to get involved with as many activities as possible. I know for me its nice to feel like i'm a part of something (sports in my case, although I'm also a member of the school band and a few ensemble groups). Its also a great way to meet new people. If at any time you feel as if you're on the verge of suicide I know there are toll free phone numbers you can call at anytime, and they'll help you out. I'm not sure of any of the numbers, one was mentioned in another post, but i can't seem to find it. I think the Sexperts and Advocates might have some info on that.
Honestly, high school can really suck sometimes. A lot of times (I know I do this), we overlook the good stuff about us and the things we should be proud of. In your case, its the fact that you can listen and that you truly care about people. Those are traits which are actually quite rare, and they can be really appreciated by another person, and thats something which you should really be proud of .
I hope everything works out
------------------ Eat, drink, and be merry
For tomorrow we die
[This message has been edited by Jim007 (edited 11-18-2004).]
And the lesson I learned saved my life at the last minute.
Case and Point: People suck
No matter where you go, or what you do, there will always be those that turn their nose up at everything, and are never satisfied with one person. They conform, alter, and twist you so much that you don't even recognize yourself. And it seems like there is only one way to go: down.
I've attempted suicide before. And guess what; I never told anyone. It seemed like nobody noticed, but it was the exact opposite. They were scared. My friends didn't want to get involved because they were afraid they'd be the cause of my death. They were scared out of their minds that if they let one wrong word slip, I was as good as dead. So they ignored it, frightened every day that I would do something drastic.
But let me share my story:
It's a classic depression tale: everything sucked, school was a waste of time and energy, my friends didn't start to touch on the meaning of the word, my parents were busy with work, and came home too tired to say much. And I, well I was stuck in the outside looking in.
I got depressed, started looking for ways out. No one payed attention, no one knew how I felt. There were things I told nobody, and when I didn't think it could get any worse, that's when I decided.
I made sure my brothers were doing homework or watching TV, slipped a steak knife out of the drawer, and crept out the back door into the woods.
I walked almost a mile into the woods before I stopped at the barb wired gate that divided the property next to us from ours. I was at the edge of a field, looking out into a sunset. It was one of the most beautiful things I'd every seen. It was perfect, but yet, at the same time, something was wrong. I was scared, the knife was shaking in my hand. But I wanted to. I wanted to feel real pain. I was almost like a sickness.
But what saved me wasn't what you'd think. A butterfly, nothing special, not even a monarch. Just a plain, dingy yellow butterfly drifting across the sunset. It was then, as I held the knife close to my chest, the tip against my heart, that I remembered a quote from the book I had just finished: "No suicide pill for me! I'm going to fly, like Papi and Chucha said".
I was the butterfly. I watched the insect fly until it disappeared into the beams of light. I lowered the knife, and started to cry. I realized how stupid this was; how in a few seconds I could have wasted my life for something that in reality could be mended. I had come so close to hurting not only myself, but my family as well, and my friends, who were too scared to say anything. At that moment, it was the first time in my life that I wanted to live.
Life is never what we make it out to be. Nobody has a perfect life. We all crave something more, something which we will likely never have. What that is I've yet to figure out, and probably never will. It's only when you're on the verge of the biggest mistake, and the last, of your life, that you see the big picture. You make the best of what you have, no matter how little or how much that is. Things are never what the seem; there's always a deeper meaning. Suicide may seem like a choice, but it never really is. We make it one by forgetting that life is made up of ups and downs. Sometimes the downs last longer than the ups, and vica versa. If you think of life like a bouncy ball, it makes sense:
Yes i have and still feel suicidal. I've tried to kill myself over 20 times before. Cutting, poison, pills, hanging...everything and anything. Life can be very overwhelming at times, but you have to realize that life is something special, cause if you were on this earth in the first place god or whoever you believe in wants you here for some kind of reason. I suggest seeing a Shrink i have to see one ive been put on the 3rd floor over 40 times before and i have to see someone there over 2 times a week because i got really bad for a while i threw myself onto a moving car and i broke my leg and arm and 2 ribs. but ive learned a lot from seeing a shrink they help you to get through some things in life that are really overwhelming they sit and listen to what you ahve to say about a sensitive topic in your life.
-- edited by the Smurf ... As well written as that poem was, i find it triggering and not overly helpful in this particular situation. --
[This message has been edited by LilBlueSmurf (edited 11-22-2004).]
Thanks to all who have replied so far.... I'd just like to add some more dialogue on my part. I do see a therapist. But, one can only help another so much- ultimately, we all must help ourselves or else we will never heal/ persist. I feel like I'm going to become really anti-social.. which isn't what I'm like at all, I'm just so sick of having backstabbing friends who treat me like sh*t, and I'm soooo hurt and drained from all this. I don't want to turn to drugs or alochol or anything to solve this. But it's so weird to think how all the day to day drama we all deal with is essentially meaningless. I'm agnostic, by the way. I have found a few genuine people at my school, but leaving my "group" is depressing me terribly. The problem there is that about two people in that crew are mean and have dominating personalities, and the others conform to be like them for attention's sake. I don't understand why people are like this, and never will. I'm just moving on; Divorcing myself from my "friends". However, I have no hope for myself in the future. My self confidence has been destroyed since day one- I was born into an abusive home situation and my life has been bursting with tragic events for its duration. And I know that things will not change- I know I can accomplish many great things, but life is so much suffering! I'm going to have to avoid certain types of people in the future for my own sake, to keep from getting sucked into bad situations like this again, but I don't want to feel this alone ever again either. Hell, I don't even want to feel this alone now. I think we're all the same- very different in personality, yet our downfall is cruelty. Mean people are the ones who act out upon these natural, hunman insecurities, and about 99% of the rest conform. I feel like I'm the epitomy of the minority, at least in America. I'd never hurt anybody on purpose, but.... I don't know, I always feel like I'm targetted. I like kind, laid back, down to earth people, like me- and I just don't understand why people have to be so terrible!!! Gahhh
------------------ "It's something unpredictable but in the end is right i hope you had the time of your life"
hi babygirl i'm sorry to hear of your trouble at school. as soon as you get into the world you'll be find there are a million lovely, wonderful, kind people out there - the majority of the world is like that so just hang on in there it's worth it...! i, too, was wondering why people get nasty but i believe we are all susceptible given the right set of circumstances. i think it is connected with power --- power is a very addictive drug and once you realise you have power over people (either through fear or charm) its empowering and you don't want to lose it or the feeling of specialness that accompanies it and you get paranoid and will do almost anything to ensure you retain it... including being a complete bitch or a murderous dictator. its a tricky one to control - i became a nasty, ungrateful cow and took advantage of people and treated them badly when i was eighteen/nineteen and i never really intended to... it just kinda sneaks up on you and suddenly you have turned into some bitch prima donna. now i choose my friends pretty carefully and they are all people who will straightaway tell me to wind my neck in if i start pushing the limits - which i need because it is sooo easy to abuse people if they allow you to and then, for some reason, you expect them to feel grateful for it!!?!
i don't know if that is the case with your friends - they sound pretty tough and unpleasant (if also funny) and i think you are right to try to distance yourself from them. like the other poster's advice - if you can busy yourself with other activities/with different people/slowly disengage from them it would seem to be the best thing although i do understand that they aren't going to take it too well...... so stupid but somewhere by distancing yourself from them you're indirectly threatening them. in the end it's got to be boring to the death to have to be constantly nasty about people/on the edge/proving yourself all the time - anybody would need a break after a bit. perhaps the ones who are nastiest to you now are the ones who envy the fact that you are 'escaping'? you want to move on and that's your right - it is pretty strong of you so give yourself some due credit. maybe find some nicer people to hang out with and just try to stay polite and pleasant with your old friends but leave it at that. i don't know why i'm writing really cos we didn't have much bullying at my school (too small) everyone was pretty easy-going and just mumbled their way along so i'm probably talking a load of nonsense... but i am sure it is easy to be nasty when you have the power (and also nice) and also quite useful so it takes a while to get used to not exploiting it in a bad way... high-school is probably a weird fish-bowl where every emotion gets exacerbated and exaggerated life outside is much bigger and more easy-going i reckon. all the best
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.