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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » I need some help girls!!!

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Author Topic: I need some help girls!!!
Megs
Neophyte
Member # 3175

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My boyfriend is this great guy; he is a great guitarist, in the most ellite choir at our school, placed state in speech and debate, and is so cool. Everyone loves him to death, and he has more friends than I can even name. The problem is that he smokes pot a lot. When we first started going out, he had been clean for months. Now he does it again. He is getting moody, and things like that. I am totally against drugs and alcohol for personal reasons of my own.
What should I do??? This isnt right.

Posts: 15 | From: Pueblo, Co., United Stated | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
smittenkitten
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 2297

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If I were you I would try and tell him that he has lots of friends and he doesn't need drugs to keep him company. Offer him support, and throw him a dinner party to celebrate losing the drugs. Motivate him with a goal - he sounds like he is talented so it shouldn't be too hard.
Just a suggestion,
Winnie

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Keeper of:
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Scene where S tells Sk she's pregnant. (Req)
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Member of GAWS


Posts: 465 | From: Canberra, ACT, Australia | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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Member # 1207

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First of all ... Not all drugs are bad. If everyone would learn to drink responsibly, this wouldn't be a problem.

Now, this is just a shot in the dark, but i'm guessing he is not of age to be involved in any sort of alcohol use at all. If anything, that puts him in the wrong right there.

It's alright to be against drugs and alcohol ... whatever your reason. But it's not fair to punish him b/c of it. My bf drinks and smokes pot and a whole list of other things, but that doesn't change who he is. If i don't have to smell it, see it, or hear about it, i'm usually fine.

But you have your own standards ... everyone does. If you can't deal w/ his moodiness, tell him. You deserve the best and if a moody bf isn't what you want, let him know. Maybe his substance use is covering up a deeper issue ... making him moody. You'll never know unless you ask


Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KittenGoddess
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1679

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Talk to him about it. Relationships are all about communication, so if this bothers you, then you need to let him know. Don't accuse him of anything, just try to be supportive and let him know what your concerns are. I personally can't be around someone who drinks alot of alcohol since my sister nearly died in a drunk driving accident. My boyfriend knows this, and while he never was one to get drunk anyway, he takes extra precautions (often being the designated driver for other people) because he knows it bothers me.

Really, talking about it is probably going to be your best bet.

~KittenGoddess

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"Am I nervous? Am I scared? Is it worth it? Should I even care? ...Man I like this guy, I really like him alot!"
~Pam Tillis, 'Please'

~*~8 days till M-day~*~


Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
psychedelic^dreamer
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Every right and wrong comes with a certain degree of objectivity. i mean, what is wrong to u here is probably alright to him. it can be very annoying to impose ur opinions on someone even if it's coz u care. some times when u've done all u can, it's really up to the person to decide. after all, its his life. it really hurts to see someone u love doing something destructive, but u got to bear in mind that its really his life, and he might have to learn it the hard way.just be there for him,if ur love can overcome his problem, then it'd probably be the best.
Posts: 12 | From: singapore | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I hate to always be the Big Buzzkill here, but I feel I should mention something else.

We are not always compatible with those we love.

In other words, sometimes, we can love someone to pieces, but aspects of their lives, their personalities, their choices just don't mesh with ours. Frankly, if you feel very strongly that drug use is immoral or totally unacceptable, I'm having a hard time seeing a relationship with a habitual pot smoker working out for you in the long run unless one of you simply changes -- and NOT to make the other happy. That doesn't work either.

So, the long and the short of it is: in cases like this, something has usually got to give, or else one or both of you will end up resnting the other or yourselves, and that is not a part of a healthy relationship that benefits either of you.

So, I'd advise you not only be honest with him, but that you be honest with yourself. You need to evaluate how you feel about this, then let him know how that is. If you can't live with this, denial isn't a good answer, and neither is hoping "love will change him." While love is wonderful and important, none of us can "change" people. They have to want to change themselves.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
emsily0
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i think i understand where you're coming from, megs. my partner drinks more than he should -like if he comes home from school (by himself) for a weekend he brings a bottle of vodka so he can drink. he's underage, and alcoholism runs in his family.

no, he's not an alcoholic. he doesn't think he is, and i don't really see it in him either.

still, it worries me. i've tried so many times and so many tactics to try and get him to change those habits, but he doesn't want to.

it makes me a little uncomfortable, but only because i worry about him, you know? i don't think it would be fair of me to punish him for it though. i don't feel that strongly about it, and it's not like i don't have my own vices - heck, i drink too from time to time. so i let him know it worries me, and he acknowledges that, and honest to god i feel better about it.

so basically this depends on what you think about him smoking. you say you're "totally against it" - does he smoke around you? does he respect your views? have you talked to him about it? he sounds like maybe he just needs someone to really talk to.

em

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Tout est au mieux dans la meilleure des mondes possibles

Everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds.
-Voltaire


Posts: 786 | From: Washington, DC | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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my boyfriend smokes pot. and yeah, i hate it ("hate" isn't nearly a strong enough word here). so i made it extremely clear that i didn't want to be within several miles of him if he was high, or getting there. that was the best compromise i could come up with. but he saw how visible upset i got when he would smoke out, so he stopped smoking out, in front of me anyway. i think the worst of it came out at his birthday a few months ago. it wasn't nice of me to make him cry like that, but i couldn't even leave 'cause it was late and all my things (coat, purse, keys, etc) were in the "smoking room," and i was furious about being stuck there. btw, i do not suggest harping them about the matter. sure, it worked for me, but a lot of times, it'll only drive a wedge or resentment between you and your guy.

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BiRiotGrrl
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I know this doent sound reasonable, but threaten him, for instance say I hate your smell, if you dont stop smoking, Iam not goign to come around you at all. I mean, what good is he if he wont compromise a little for your sake??
Posts: 6 | From: California, U.S.A | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ningrrl
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Ok, I know I will probably get a lot of hate responses for this, and I'm not saying it to be against you. I'm basically posting this here for my opinion. You have your own preferences and that's totally cool. (That was just my little disclaimer! )... What makes people think pot is bad? Its reputation? The fact it's illegal? My opinion is that in our lifetime, it will become legalized. The only reason that it isn't legal is because the government can't tax it. Marijuana isn't as harmful as cigarettes or alcohol. It's non addictive. Many medical patients have liscenses to use it. Most of the people I know who have 4.0 GPAs smoke marijuana.(And no, I'm not saying this because I smoke weed all the time and I am a pothead. I'm not.) I'm not saying, "don't knock it until you try it." That's not it at all. And I'm not saying to try it! Marijuana isn't necessarily bad, but it's not necessarily good either. Your boyfriend has his preferences and you have your's. Like Miz S said, all our qualities don't just mesh. There will always be something sticking out there that will irk you. It's a good thing that you are letting him know what gets on your nerves and telling him what you think, but he's probably going to do what makes him happy. Thanks for listening (er, reading) my opinion.

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shedding skin sucumb defeat
this machine is obsolete


Posts: 124 | From: Lucasville, OH, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

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BiRiotGrrl, i touched on what you said in my post right above yours. the trouble with harping on someone to quit is that a lot of times, they'll just get all pissy about it. you can't simply threaten people 'cause, at the very least, it's very irritating. yeah, it's in their best interest, but wouldn't you hate it if someone did the same to you? what if very strict vegans were always going off about your taste for cheese? you'd tell them to bugger off wouldn't you?

just 'cause bitching and complaining worked for me, doesn't mean it's gonna work for everybody, or even a small portion of people. i just got lucky that he didn't decide to tell me off.

as for the pot, here at Scarleteen, we do not advocate any illegal activity, that goes for drug use.

besides, if real studies were done on marijuana, i'm sure you'd find that it was just as carcinogenic as tobacco -- inhaling any sort of smoke and debris into your lungs will cause them damage.

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ningrrl
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Yeah, and in my little disclaimer I did state that I wasn't promoting it, because I'm definetely not! I don't recommend it either.

And cigarettes contain many more chemicals and things that harm you more than marijuana.

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shedding skin sucumb defeat
this machine is obsolete


Posts: 124 | From: Lucasville, OH, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Really, those are excellent points, nin.

Unfortunately, even having that discussion here is limited because it ISN'T legal, so we can't really go there and have to be careful doing so even theoretically in order to be sure our site isn't liable for anything or gets whacked in the head with the fed stick.

And for the record, I don't think that even though it IS legal for some that advocating cigarette smoking here (especially of commercial cigarettes which do indeed have extra doses of addictive and noxious chemicals) or mass alchohol consumption would be wise either. That the goverment does is certainly well worth questioning.

So, that's the gig. We just can only address it so much here, and I agree, it is a pity, because I do soldily feel that solid information empowers people to make the best choices for themselves.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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