I can tell even before I write this, that this post is likely to be mostly a vent.
A basic outline of my situation: I'm twenty-three, currently living at home, and waiting for a visa so I can see my fiance again. I haven't seen her since 15 June, last year. Forever.
Separated by an entire planet, and yet no distance at all. We talk almost every day - usually for a few hours at a time.
Still, for all the fact that I love her, and I can still hear her and touch her (however intangibly), it aches.
I miss her. I miss touching her, holding her, kissing her. I miss just being able to wake up and think: I'm going to see her today. I especially miss seeing the goofy smile to go with her goofy laugh.
At the same time, I get pressured by my mother. "Are you sure you want to do this?" "Its a big commitment" "I wish you'd just applied for a PhD, instead" When I told my parents we were engaged, they didn't so much as congratulate me.
She cannot grasp the fact that I love Lauren. I've talked to friends about it and got the standard response - "your mother probably finds it hard to deal with". That's crap. I don't know why she's doing it - I just know that that's not why, and I can't take it much longer.
I haven't been sleeping properly, haven't had the motivation to do much of anything, really. I'd be a couch potato, but our couch is too uncomfortable. ;p
How am I supposed to deal with this? Doesn't she have half a clue how hard this is for me?
------------------ Seid umschlungen, Millionen! Diesen Kuss der ganzen Welt!
[This message has been edited by ThisGuy (edited 01-27-2001).]
Aw, babe. That is a horribly long time. I went through a separation like that (in terms of time and that amount of distance) with my partner in college and it drove me batty.
As far as your mother, often, it's just the test of time with these things. It may be too that she's not real hot on you moving to an entirely different country -- most parents have a hard enough time with their kids just moving out of the house to an apartment in the same city.
And I should note that at 29, when I told my parents I was getting married, their response (for both of them, divergently different people who haven't been together in over 25 years) was "Why?" Of course, in my family, given their experiences, that isn't such an unreasonable response. It was honest, anyway, and after we got past the why, they were happy.
Have you asked you mother what exactly the problem is and told her that this isn't helping you at all?
I can empathize somewhat, too. When I got married, my grandmother's first response was a horrified "Are you pregnant?!?!?"
"No," I replied.
"Well, then what are you getting married for? Everybody knows that the only reason to get married is to give the baby a name!"
I was flabbergasted... this is my sweet old conservative grandmother... who got married at 19 and stayed married until her husband passed away when they were b oth in their 60's. I later realized it was because she didn't like the guy I'd gotten engaged to, but at the time, man, was I stunned.
Hang in there, hon. It's a long way, and a lot of separation to endure... I hope that it all works out wonderfully for you both, mom notwithstanding.
I'm thinking that one of the reasons for her resistance could be that she doesn't feel like she knows your fiancee at all, and that it seems to her like you're mooning over this nearly imaginary person on the other side of the planet. You might wanna see if you can talk to her about that, though there aren't any guarantees about whether or not it'll do much good, of course.
The distance thing can be horrible, I know. It's unbelievable how much you can actually *miss* all those simply things that people in non-distance relationships have. But it is all managable.
Regarding your mothers reaction to the whole situation, I agree with Hanne - Does she know your fiance? Have you explained to her why you got engaged? Maybe your relationship is just so different from all the plans she had made up in her head (like the PhD) for you that she doesn't know how to react?
My parents were pretty startled when it dawned on them that I have a real, serious relationship over a similar distance like you. Now that they have started to understand that we're serious about this (and that our actions have proven that - I got an internship in Australia last year and worked there, and a few weeks back, my partner and I went on a horribly kitschy national TV love show just to score some free plane tickets), and have met him several times and gotten to know him, they are very supportive of our relationship.
If you ever want to chat and need a cheer up, lets chat on icq. I don't have a cure for LongDistanceRelationshipFrustration™, but if you want, we can vent together.
Alles Liebe 'Laska
------------------ Just a regular lunatic. Go inside Alaska's head...
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