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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » All these thoughts, are making me depressed

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Author Topic: All these thoughts, are making me depressed
Pennypanda
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My boyfriend broke up with me. It started out well he really seemed to care about me, he said he only wanted to have sex when I was ready and he wouldn't rush me into anything. But soon we would take it further and further, and I don't know why, but sometimes it bothered me, sometimes after we would go further, I would get teary eyed and feel anxious... Soon he would get upset because I wouldn't cum, and I try and tell him, it's alright but he always beat himself up about it. He always said he wanted to make love to me. But soon every time we were together he would grind his body against me and moan in my ear and say he wanted to f*** me, then he said he would like to try anal, a year into the relationship. I thought maybe he would be my first but I didn't know when. Soon he knew I was on birth control and started asking me when I'd be ready to have sex, I said I wasn't sure when, then he became impatient, asking days, weeks, months, when?! I just told him I didn't know yet. I week later he began to act distant. He broke up with me. He said he was selfish and had too many problems, then he said he didn't feel we had anything in common. We were together four months. I hoped it would be longer; I didn't see it coming and I had never cared about some one so much in my life. Sometimes I wish I had given my virginity to him, sometimes I don't. I worry I won't find that person worth waiting for, I fear that person has already come and gone. Please help me.
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Heather
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Hey there, Penny, I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way.

You know, I am hearing a lot of pressuring that happened here, and someone who it sounds like really was not treating you with a lot of respect and care. Even just not paying attention to you being teary simetimes and recognizing that as a clear cue to step way back on his part made clear, at the least, that it sounds like he really was not ready for sex with a partner either. When we are ready, we are attentive and responsive to those kind of cues, we do not keep pushing forward.

So, personally, I think choosing to hold your limits with this person was a really good call.

I would also add that four months is the kind of period of time where we really are still just getting to know someone and how, and if, we work together in certain ways. The kind of time period where really, we are still just dating to see if something can become something bigger or not, and if everyone involved wants it to. Of course, you can feel attached emotionally sooner than that, but often getting attached so soon is not an indication of a relationship being so awesome or such a good fit as it is us just getting caught up in our feelings or wants for a relationship, in general.

Never finding a partner you feel strongly about and where things go better than this? That is not likely, especially when you are young and really do have a whole lot of life ahead of you. I get that it can feel pretty hopeless sometimes, especially right after a breakup, but those are more your feelings talking than any kind of portent of a future reality, you know?

What are you doing to take care of yourself while you grieve this loss?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pennypanda
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I'm not really sure, I've been taking more care of my health, I've been watching some videos on depression, happiness, and relationships, reading some self help books.. But I don't know what to do. I tell myself that this fear is just a feeling and this regret is a temporary thing, and I have my whole life ahead of me, and that this is just a small part of it.. But I still feel this overwhelming fear that I am going to die alone without ever knowing unconditional love, that I am going to have my virginity and feel forced to give it to someone who isn't all I want because I passed it up..all my thoughts are fears and insecurities, and anxieties. As much as I tell myself they are just thoughts, they're still overwhelming. And I fear I'll never find anyone better than my ex. And that ill never find happiness within myself. Thank you for your help.
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Heather
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Obviously you didn't tell me anything about the whole of the relationship, but even based on what you have posted about this relationship, I gotta say, it sounds like you are setting a pretty low bar here. In other words, if dynamics like this are the bar? Well, finding better is not likely to be at all challenging. In fact, I'd say it's something you might want to make a requirement, you know?

It sounds to me like maybe one thing you might try and do here is give yourself some time to just feel crummy. In other words, rather than diving into ways to fix or understand things, like self-help books, maybe you can just let yourself feel lousy for a little while? That does tend to be part of grieving any kind of loss.

I am wondering why you think you will feel or be forced to engage in sex -- a first time, or any time after -- by someone else? By all means, I can see how this last experience, where there sounds like there was at least some, if not a good deal of, pressure might give you that impression in some way, but I would advise not figuring this is how things have to go or how everyone will be: it's so not.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pennypanda
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How long would you suggest I feel crummy? Because my sad attitude is effecting everyone else around me. And how can I bounce back from this sadness?
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Heather
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When was this breakup?

By the by, when we are grieving....well, we are allowed to do that. Other people get to set limits and boundaries, and make their own choices, with how much time they want to or can handle spending time with us. Just like we'd do for them -- right? -- if they were going through a loss.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pennypanda
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It was march 31, also how do I get some hope for the future?
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Heather
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So, it's been a couple of months, not quite. And in those months, did you allow yourself at least a few days, if not weeks, to just feel sad?

Per getting hope for the future, that's something where I feel like I'd have to know more about why you feel so hopeless. Again, I don't know anything about this relationship or why you felt like it was The One Big Relationship: it would be helpful for me to know that, especially since from where I am sitting, it doesn't sound like it was so awesome or amazing (in another post about it, it sounds like even communication between the two of you was lacking a lot), but I only know one part of this picture, and I also don't know anything about your life history.

If you want to fill me in some more, then I might be able to offer some help.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pennypanda
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I've just always had a fear of being alone, my mom remained lonely and bitter after a bad divorce, it was her choice, but it still scares me. I thought it was so good because he was my first love, I had had a crush on him previously, and he knew everything about me and still accepted me, and cared about me. There were good times in the relationship also, however sex was something neither of us knew much about. He had an oral experience with another girl, he did it because she was lonely and no one had ever liked him in that way before. I was his first girlfriend, he had a fear of rejection, he had previously liked a girl and she said no. He became extremely depressed, to the point where people told me about it, this was before we started dating. Even during the relationship, he always obsessed about his weight and himself, I always told him I liked him just the way he was, no matter what, he never believed me, he always put himself down, saying he didn't deserve me. I think he has a lot he needs to figure out on his own. It is a big deal because for so long he was my dream guy, everything I wanted, kind, chivalrous, funny, smart, handsome. And he accepted me. But then it was just over. All I had wanted, and all I thought I had was gone, and maybe it wasn't completely there in the first place, maybe this wasn't the one big relationship, but for so long, he was my everything. So most of all I feel a fear of scaring the one guy away, I need to let go of my fears and my past with my mom, and allow myself to be happy but I don't know how.
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Heather
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You know, you're not your mother.

I am sure you already know that, but when we talk like you opened with here, sometimes a reminder doesn't hurt. [Smile]

I actually hear you talking about this guy and his stuff in a really smart way. I agree, based on this post and your other one, this guy has his own stuff he needs to work out, some of it big, and certainly sexual stuff that is just NOT going to allow him, yet, to likely have healthy sexual relationships.

First loves are usually such a freaking big deal, no matter how they go. Even, frankly, when they are total crap they often are.

But that "first" part? I'd say that's really key. First doesn't mean only. In fact, historically, for pretty much all of history and the vast, vast majority of people, first almost NEVER means only. It just means first. Get where I'm going?

Something else I'd add is that with our earliest relationships, people will more often feel like or seem like our "dream" person or partner. But with the stuff that really works, and works well over time? Those people actually don't feel like that, because our ideal of someone often doesn't tend to work so well in reality, or wind up really being what is real about a person or relationship. But that is also why losing someone who felt like an ideal can be really hard: because we have the loss of that person, but also the loss of that dream of a person, if that makes sense.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pennypanda
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Yes, that makes sense, thank you. How do I stop having all the same regrets about him?
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Heather
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Well, I'm not sure you really "stop," so much as know that they really will fade over time.

Right now? This is still pretty fresh, especially for a first love. So, you're going to feel lousy for a while, and it's going to take some time for you to get to a place where you start to see that this was a first, not an only, and start to see other people as possibilities. You're just not there yet, that's all, and that's not surprising. This sounds like it was a seriously huge deal for you.

What might help is just to let yourself feel how you feel here, and not push yourself to even start thinking about these kinds of relationships, moving forward, just now. How about instead just focusing on living and enjoying the other parts of your life, and the other relationships you're in, like your friendships?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Btw, it might help to try and be more reality-focused in some of these thoughts.

For instance, this person was sexually pressuring you. So, if you had the fantasy, or have it now, that you missed out on some great sexual partner? You have a LOT of evidence to show you you can know you didn't, because when you two were being sexual together in the ways you were? It was SO not awesome.

It can be easier to romanticize things when we don't have them anymore. It can help, when we do that, to try and remind ourselves of the realities of those things. In reality, you already know this wasn't going to be some amazing sexual relationship because....well, it wasn't one. Not even close. Make sense?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pennypanda
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Ok, does it get better over time? Also, when I am ready to give up my virginity i will know it, right? I will be completely comfortable, and without a doubt in my mind? Does that sound right?
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Heather
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It really, really does, I absolutely promise. The only requirement there is that you do put some effort into letting go, that's all.

When it's really right for someone to have any kind of sex, be it a first time or the 301st time, it feels right. We feel comfortable and excited and happy about it.

We might still have some doubts or uncertainties: after all, sex with someone else -- even with our own masturbation, even! -- is always an experiment to some degree, and always something where the experience and any outcomes isn't totally predictable. But even in those doubts or wonders, when it's right for us, we'll feel okay with those question marks.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pennypanda
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Alright, thanks, and how do I let go?
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Heather
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Btw, in case you haven't read it, this is a piece I wrote about how things really should feel, in this case, specifically for young women, when it comes to first-time sex, or any other time: An Immodest Proposal.

It might be helpful for you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Well, for one, you give it time and let yourself have all the feelings you are having now. Again, we gotta process and feel our feelings before we can start to be done with them: trying to avoid them or push them away doesn't really let us just experience them, which is a big part of how we resolve them.

Then you do things like stop yourself when you go to a what-if place by reminding yourself there is no what-ifs, because what happened was that it didn't work out and you split up. You stop yourself from going to a "It could have been SO amazing and perfect" place by reminding yourself that no, it couldn't have, because it wasn't and it didn't. Again, it's about working, gently with yourself, to stay in reality rather than going to idealism or fantasy.

And you move on with your life over time, including doing things like dating again when you want that and feel ready, making new friendships, trying new things.

There's a LOT to say about learning to let go of things or people in life, though, so those are just a couple snippets.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pennypanda
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Alright thank you:) did you ever go through this?
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Heather
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You know, my very first big, big love committed suicide.

(And it's okay for me to talk about it and you to ask what you did not knowing that, so no feeling bad if you just did feel bad. If it wasn't okay, I would have said it was personal, and it's been decades now, so I can talk about it and be just fine.)

And we had some kinds of sex, but not all the kinds, and I had a LOT of feelings and fears and regrets too about now doing every possible sexual thing on earth with that person (as if we could do that with any one person!), and regrets about not doing everything else you can do with another person, period. I also spent a lot of time romanticizing what some kinds of sex, or a whole bunch of other things, would have been like with the idea they all would have been wonderful.

But over time, you know, it got clear. Especially once I stopped only seeing things through the lens of my pain and my loss.

For one, we were only together a couple months, too, so how could I know how things would have been even a few more later? And while we really did have some of the most amazing stuff going on, and really connected, that person -- like your guy -- clearly had a lot of their own hard, heavy stuff that really messed them up (and I had my own at the time, too), so chances are that even if they hadn't have died? Things would have been...well, real, not my dreams or ideals, because we were only people, not fictional characters. So, all we ever could have been was real, and all things ever would have been like was how real life relationships are, which is never, ever anything close to perfect, especially after the first blush of them fades and we do get to know each other, and do stop seeing each other as possibilities or dreams, and see each other as the plain old people we only are.

Know what I mean?

So, yes, been there, and been there with something really horrible or violent at the end of it, no less. Got through it. Not easily, and not without a lot of fumbling along the way, but I did.

And you know now, in my forties, not in my teens -- and well before now, really -- it's one of those things that will always be a little bittersweet, but you know, life brings a lot of that. And I can look back now and have the great memories I have and think fondly of them, be glad for the positives I got from that, and even for the hard stuff that happened as a result, because it taught me really important things, and I value that a lot.

Not sure if that's what you were looking for, or what it offers you, but there it is. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pennypanda
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Thank you:)
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Heather
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Sure thing.

This really is -- in my opinion -- truly big stuff, the end of first love, however it ends. Not for everyone-everyone, but for most people. And I think it's probably one of the very hardest things we experience in a lifetime, honestly.

In fact, I'm not sure that even if mine hadn't ended the way it did I would have been in any less pain. Obviously I will never know, but truly, even without death and violence, even with a very sweet end? It still is so freaking rough.

You'll get through it, though: really, nearly everyone does. And you'll come out the other side in time and you will be okay. But it is hard, and it is a big life experience, probably even bigger in a lot of ways than the relationship itself! So, be kind to you, and patient with yourself, too. Take good care of you: it's a big thing you're dealing with here, and you're allowed to have big feelings about it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pennypanda
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Thank you so much
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Heather
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You're so welcome. You hang in there, Pennypanda. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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