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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Feelings on BDSM

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Author Topic: Feelings on BDSM
Courtney n Missouri
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Member # 36760

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What is everyones feelings on bdsm?

Personally i am living the lifestyle and love it. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is my Dom. I know a lot of people think its just some kinky sexual stuff but it goes a lot deeper then that for us. I am a sub 24/7 not meaning that i'm with him 24/7 but i am avaliable for his use 24/7. I am a collard sub and wear my collar proudly. He knows my safety words and we are very careful to discuss our limits so i never feel like i'm pushed of forced into anything.

But thats just my experience... does anyone else live the lifestyle? whats everyones take on it?

Posts: 2 | From: Missouri | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

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Courtney, BDSM is generally safe and healthy when done with full consent and proper aftercare, but given your history thus far, we're concerned some of those things may not be taking place.

For instance, you posted prior to this about a man 11 years your senior going without birth control, and being too frightened to bring it up either to him or your mother. Taking care of your reproductive health is pretty crucial for BDSM; I know you posted that you and your current partner use condoms, and that's great.

But what I'm stabbing at is really making sure this is something you're consenting to, rather than settling with, if you get my drift, given this history.

Also, many prestigious sources on BDSM do NOT recommend 24/7 power play. Subs require proper aftercare and downtime to maintain a healthy, sane relationship and state of mind. This includes emotional support, comfort, reassurance, and physical tenderness, as well as treatment of any wounds. A sub must also be allowed time to his/herself to process their feelings by themselves; 24/7 does not allow this.

So, we'll want to make sure these things are taking place before we can give you a good take on this, okay?

[ 01-30-2008, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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Ikeren
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I'm a big fan of BDSM play, but I don't have any interest in ever living the "lifestyle." For me, BDSM is a sexual thing, and most people don't either go around in a constant state of sexual arousal, do sexual acts in public (although maybe it's just me.)

I also, through going to munches and play parties and being a member of the "community" have met far too many predators and elitists that hide behind the "lifestyle." That makes me suspicious, but I recognize that anecdote is not evidence.

My copy of SM 101 is on loan, otherwise I'd quote some of what it says on 24/7. I am almost certain Wiseman recommends strongly against, and I'd consider that nearly as expert a source as you can get.

However, I'm going to say that despite those misgivings, I think the "lifestyle" could work for some people. You just have to be very, very careful.

Posts: 157 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Member # 25425

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We've also got a short intro to BDSM and kink in general right here on ST:
Working the Kinks Out

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9186 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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From SM 101:
quote:
Accordingly, an ethical dominant gives their submissive every chance to refuse to go further, and does nothing to make this submissive unfairly dependent on them. (This has many facets, too many and too diverse to go into at length here, but I will say that financial independence is often a good place to start.)
...
However, some people's desire to be dominant or submissive all the time is so strong that this arrangement [Non-24/7 BDSM.] does not satisfy them. In my experience, a desire this strong is very unusual, particularly among mentally healthy people. Few people can maintain a dominant or submissive role all the time. These are consciously assumed roles, much like those assumed by actors, and require effort to maintain. After a while, maintaining that effort may become tiring, even exhausting. Continued too far, it leads to burnout. This is true even if both parties consent and find the roles highly enjoyable. The two of you may go into role for prolonged periods of time, but ultimately most people feel the need to come out of those roles and relate on more equal, intimate terms.

Wiseman, 279-280.

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“I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
submissionguy01
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I am a sub in my bdsm Relationship and a love it but for the lifestyle I am still to Young if it but some day I would like to have the lifestyle.

[ 08-20-2008, 12:45 AM: Message edited by: submissionguy01 ]

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Beni_H.
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Member # 95720

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I've been into BDSM since maybe the 4th grade - thats when i learned of it.....i started connecting myself to it by 6th or 7th. I'm a submissive/slave, and i'm scared and confused, not of myself - i fully accept who i am and what i like PROUDLY - but of society and the people around me. My vanilla family found out and it didn't end well. the "talk" was extremely damaging. Now i'm really trying to find people also in 'the bdsm society/scene' who are willing to talk to me....I don't know who to turn to or where to start.

I'm technically too young still to live the lifestyle, but one day, I hope to find a master and be a collard sub where I can also wear it proudly. Bdsm/kink is a part of who i am.

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"If We Stand Together We Will Be Unbroken."

Posts: 3 | From: California | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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