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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » I Hate the Porn My Body Likes

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Author Topic: I Hate the Porn My Body Likes
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Neophyte
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Sorry if this is in the wrong place, or TMI. I did a search, but I couldn't really find what I was after. I was wondering if someone could help me.

I am a virgin (choosing to wait) and I consider myself somewhat of a feminist. I often watch porn while I masturbate, which I have no issues with. The problem is that the porn that I know I enjoy the most is the type with a lot of female degredation.

I don't mean 'facials', I mean stuff where the female participants are treated pretty roughly (face slapping, gagging etc). I have tried to get into more sedate stuff, but I just don't feel that 'turned on' by it. Why do I need the female to be miserable?! I don't hate women, or myself, so I don't know how it ended up this way.

I don't find this ethical at all, or sex-positive.
In fact, it makes me feel like a monster. The reason I mentioned that I am a virgin is because of the future. I'm worried that I'll want to be treated harshly or treat a future partner harshly during sex in order to get off. I don't want that, and I don't know what to do about this. I'd really appreciate some helpful links or advice if possible.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, let's first unpack this by making clear that what our bodies respond to isn't separate from our hearts and minds.

As well, sometimes what we respond to sexually isn't about "liking" or being okay with things. Sexual feelings can be triggered sometimes by fear, or even things we don't like in other ways.

Let's also check in about something: do you think you're responding to this because you have an interest in BDSM -- in which consensual participants who want that are usually anything but miserable? Or do you think that this idea of a woman earnestly being miserable -- not enjoying rough, aggressive or BDSM sexual play that's wanted and consensual -- is what's turning you on?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Top Floor Bottom Buzzer
Neophyte
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I think it might be an interest in BDSM, but then I don't understand why someone would want to be treated that way. Is it really 'ok' to enjoy something sexually that you despise anywhere else?
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Heather
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I think the thing is that you might be perhaps putting some dynamics into that that aren't automatically there.

In other words, someone can hit someone in sex and the intent is nonconseusal, abusive, to degrade, to control, to harm. Someone else can because the other person wants that, they negotiate it, the intent is to please them, not hurt them, and to simply explore either the sensation of that and/or the power dynamics of that in a NONabusive way.

So, when you say "treated that way," it sounds like you're attaching a value or emotional tone to an action which certainly can be there, but also cannot be. Make sense?

If not, let's maybe try this: vaginal intercourse can be consensual or not, can be used to try and harm or hurt or not, can be loving or cruel, a whole range of things. And yet, you probably don't ask why someone would want to be treated THAT way. Does that help?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Neophyte
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Yes, it does! The way you put it, it makes sense. Thank you so much for responding.
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Heather
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No trouble.

So, we can talk more about this, but I think it would help to know if we're really talking about being turned on by and maybe wanting to try things you despise or not.

In other words, some people DO want to be humiliated, get turned on by that, and activities like this can be part of that. Other people like or get turned on by things like this but, for them, those dynamics are not part of what they want or choose to incorporate.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Neophyte
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I think it was the idea of trying out new things was unsavoury to me, like I'm 'betraying' feminism or something. You hit the nail on the head for me when you said that I was attaching an emotion that wasn't there. I think, for me, there is also a fear of what will happen when I do find someone to commit to, and have sex with.
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Heather
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Obviously we don't all have the same feminism, but the core of all feminism is the aim for women to have full equality and rights to have our lives, and what's in it, be our choice, including sexuality.

If and when you choose a partner who you want to explore these kinds of things with, by all means,it's important to talk about what you want and don't, and for each of you to negotiate what goes on, just like with any kind of sex. And if in those talks, someone makes clear they want dynamics you don't, or are coming to that play with motives or tone you're not comfortable with, you get to choose not to engage in sex of any kind with that person.

Sex doesn't "happen," it's something or things that we all choose (or not) to do.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Neophyte
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Thank you, sincerely. I knew I could come here and get some straight answers. I certainly want to have sex when I am ready, and emotionally I know I am not there yet. That's why I'm choosing to wait [Smile]
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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So, you've probably already got some good practice at making these choices in a way that's strongly about what's best for you and what you want.

If and when you get to the point where you are screening potential partners for this kind of sex, figure that that practice is going to be like an extension of what you likely already know how to do expertly. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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