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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Young Women: Sex & Love (in your own words)

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Author Topic: Young Women: Sex & Love (in your own words)
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I probably don't have to tell you that there have been a lot of pieces written by adults lately about young women (far more than young people) and your sex and love lives, or want you all "really" want -- as if you all want the same things -- with sex and relationships.

So, what I'd really love is if some of you would just talk about that here. For yourselves: not via the lens of older people. I know the whole site is kind of you talking about it, but just having some of you write out what you want in either or both, what you're feeling, what your own wants and needs are when it comes to sex/sexuality and/or love relationships would be great.

I may use these for a piece of some kind so that YOUR words can get out there, not just adults talking about you. But mostly, would just love to read/listen to you on this in one place and have others be able to.

I know that's a big topic, so to give you an idea, this is one of the pieces lately I'm talking about: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2010/06/love-actually/8094/

Here's another: http://www.slate.com/id/2246553

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pantokrator
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Well, for me personally, I don't have to have the standard two-person monogamy type of set-up in order to have satisfying sex. However, I do need to genuinely care about the other person and know that they genuinely care about me. No matter what the context of the relationship is, sex should be just another thing we do together. I need to like the other person enough to want to fall asleep next to them and do things together that don't involve sex. I just don't think that one neccesarily needs a monogamous, committed relationship to have these things.
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TheTasteOfPurple
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At this point in my life, I definitely wouldn't be comfortable with hooking up with someone I didn't know. I'm not sure whether I ever will; I think I'll always be more attracted to people I know better.

On the other hand, I'm not in a monogamous relationshape by any means and I have friends who I'm interested in having a sexual relationship with and know it won't damage our friendship (in the specific case I've been thinking about recently, it would probably be more strengthening to our friendship, since we're both physically attracted to each other and want the same thing out of our relationship, than hiding or restraining our feelings.)

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Julia

The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller

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pandora_paradoxx
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I can't speak for everyone else, but I know that I prefer monogamous, committed relationships as a precontext for sex/sexual behaviors. I could see myself having maybe one or two one night stands in the future, but I think it's more satisfying for me when there's an emotional basis there. If other people want to have casual sex, that's their choice and I certainly won't judge them for it, but at the moment that's not what's right for me.

I find it interesting that these articles say that young women want the "Boyfriend Story" and they're striving towards some ideal of "perfect", "traditional" male-female relationships. In my experience, it's been exactly the opposite. Very few people I know have committed, long-term relationships; most just hook up. What concerns me, though, is a lot of the girls involved want more commitment and emotion in their relationships but act exactly opposite of that. There are far too many girls and young women on my campus who get smashed out of their minds to prepare for hooking up with a complete stranger (or maybe a faint acquaintance). I wonder if this is because they feel social pressure to hook up, or if they actually do want to hook up but don't admit it, or for some other reason. Maybe it's different because I'm on a college campus? I dunno. It's just disconcerting that so many girls seem to do stuff they say that they don't want...

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Animica
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I guess I am what you'd call traditional in the sense that I prefer monogamous, committed relationships. Sex is not the main thing on my list when it comes to choosing a partner. For me, it's more about the emotional compatibility, meaning I wouldn't have sex with anyone I didn't really know (though it's not that sexual compatibility has no importance). I just think that my partner has to really gain my trust and prove that he's truly committed, something which happens over time, so that I even consider sex. It's just who I am. However, I don't judge people who decide to have one night stands, those who have strictly sexual relationships, or those have sex quickly after starting an intended long-term relationship, though. I mean, its their life, and it's okay for them to do what they enjoy and consider best.

[ 06-06-2010, 02:57 AM: Message edited by: I.am.a.person. ]

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Love to love
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Well I lost my virginity to the man I've been dating for 8 months this thursday! Woot! Anyways, I for a while thought I was going to wait till marriage to have sex. That was till I met him, he in no way pressured me. But the emotional connection, and cemestry we had was undenable. And after some time I realized I love him a lot, and he showed me so much love and commitment for seven months, and thats when I finally decided it was time.

I would like to say that if we broke up I wouldn't have sex with someone I wasn't in love with. But I'm not exactly sure. I know that of course I would have to care about this person a lot, and have to be dating him. But I don't know if I would wait till we were in love or not.

But I do know that I wouldn't just hook up with someone that I wasn't seeing, someone I really didn't have many feelings for. There is wayyyy too much risk in it for my liking. [Razz]

I don't ask much from my boyfriend (I don't think:P) I just like having a guy who isn't afraid to tell me his EXACT feelings, and prove to me that he really does love me the way he says he does. It kills me when I have to guess how my boyfriend feels. I like affection a lot (what girl doesn't?) I like being all cute and romantic. So I like when my partner is the same way.

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silvertabby13
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I'm more interested in monogamous relationships, the whole multiple partner idea freaks me out a bit. I eventually (as in ten or fifteen years from now) want to get married and have children. I know this for sure, I want kids. But at the moment I just really like having someone to be physically affectionate with. I'm a really physical person, I need contact. I also just really like having someone I can trust, someone who's ok with me being self-conscious or randomly nervous, someone who's actually mature enough to understand the weird conflict I feel sometimes, my need to be close but my fear of getting too close.
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Emmadilemna1989
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I'm 20 and i prefer to keep all my relationships fairly simple. I like going to parties with people, walking around, meeting up casually and just getting to know each other rather than formalised dates and attending restraunts. I'd rather watch you play football and go for coffee or a walk after. The other options seemed to laden with pressure and expectation. Not right for me at the moment.

The dating first, physical second model doesn't work for me. I prefer to kiss the guys I like at parties and then if there is mutual chemistry arrange to meet up again and keep getting to know each other.

For second meetings I like to attend parties or other group meetings with person where I get to meet new people, get to know them, kiss them some more and just feel relaxed.

I can't imagine dating someone I haven't kissed yet. It seems so pressurised, when will you kiss? Are they/you going to suit each other? Ahh seems scary and complicated. I prefer my way. Each to their own. [Smile]

I am learning though that while I like kissing people I like at parties I don't like to sleep wtih them or have casual relations. I like knowing that they like me, view me as special and want to explore a connection in a fun and light way. I am very physically affectionate with everyone, I love hugs, kisses and hand holding. I love sitting on peoples laps and being picked up. I love that feeling that your the centre of their world for just a moment.

I struggle with the idea that people could love me. I love my body and believe myself to be beautiful but somehow when guys start to show they think similiarly its surreal and I can end up sabatoging it by suggesting a more casual relationship than I actually want, which is really just because Im scared and confused to as how they could like me for anything more than physical. So Im working on that and allowing people to love me.

I love it when people are completely comfortable in thier bodies and you can relax in yours and just play. I prefer to call sex and sexual activites playing or making out because it seems more relaxed in my mind.

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bump on a log
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Thanks for asking. The Atlantic article is pretty patronising and in places wildly off-base for me. "...most of all their innocent belief, so carefully nurtured by parents and teachers, that the world rewards kindness and fairness, that there is always someone in authority to appeal to if you are being treated cruelly or not included in something..." Nonsense. I was bullied and left out at school and I always knew that the last thing you do about that is appeal to authority, and that life just ain't fair. I bet many kids in my situation would say the same.

I suppose I'm not real qualified to answer this one since I have never gotten within shouting distance of a date, let alone a relationship or sex, and that shows no sign of changing in the near future. There's a line in Forster's Maurice about combining advanced thinking with the conduct of a Sunday schoolboy. That's me. I don't believe in marriage, and I see nothing in the least wrong with casual sex. Having been an outsider all my life, I am more or less untouched by a lot of today's trends and customs; I've never seen porn photos or videos, for instance, though I was secretly reading my uncle's collected Penthouse stories at age nine. The great soul-crushing unrequited love of my high school days was another girl, so for a long time, before I fell for a boy, I conceived of romantic love as homosexual and was puzzled by heterosexual love. Pressure and expectation to have sex have nothing to do with me, because of my lack of attractiveness and of a social life. I do know a couple of girls who do pursue multiple hookups with what seems like sincere eagerness and enjoyment, who are not after a Boyfriend Story, so so much for sweeping generalisations.

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Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
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I was never interested in romantic monogamous relationships. I liked Friends with Benefits the most. Apart from that I'd have sex with friends-of-friends. As long as I felt comfy with them.

I think then I gave in to the pressure and had a relationship I didn't really want. However, now I'm in another romantic 'boyfriend' relationship that I didn't want intitially, but now it seems okay, I'm more comfortable with it than I thought. However, I would still like to change it to an open relationship when there is enough trust between us, because I love the thrill of random passion, especilly with my friends. I still love friends with benefits and flings, being sexual with aquaintances through my own friends. However, I'm not against an encounter with someone completely out of nowhere.

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~ Saffy
Scarleteen Volunteer

To my Abuser: I'm seeing stars. I bet you can't do that.

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