So, I feel like my best guy friend (who also happens to be an ex-boyfriend, but we only went out for a few weeks and it was over a year ago. And he lives in a different state now) is often judging me on my lifestyle choices of nonmonogamy and casual sex. Especially since he's my ex-boyfriend and I think he may still have feelings for me, it's not like I tell him everything about my sex life - but when it comes up, it comes up, and I hate hiding things from close friends.
But the other night we got into this huge stupid argument about my latest hookup where I felt like my friend was basically telling me what I should and shouldn't do without giving me a reason. He just said I shouldn't. I want him to be honest with me about how he feels, and if I was doing something that was hurting myself and others then of course I would want his input, but only if he could give me a reason to listen to his advice. But I don't understand his reasoning. I just feel like he's criticizing me just because hooking up is not something he personally would do.
He says the more guys I sleep with (and there honestly hasn't been THAT many, in my opinion) the more meaningless sex becomes, and he says that's a bad thing. I ask him why sex shouldn't be meaningless and he says it just shouldn't be. Then he says it would make it harder for a guy who wanted meaningful sex to trust me to have that - even though I feel like there's more than one type of sex, and I HAVE had "meaningful" sex, so it's entirely possible for me to have, and I wouldn't lie to someone else just to get in their pants. My friend sort of implied that he himself is worried about trusting a sexual partner who has had a lot of meaningless sex before (which I respond to by saying he shouldn't have sex with someone who he doesn't trust, and also that it's unlikely a girl is going to take advantage of him and lie to him just to have sex with him, especially since it's not too hard to find another guy who does just want meaningless sex). I also feel like he's criticizing me and acting like just because I sleep around that I'm the type of person to lie to or deceive someone. I would not do that. And I disagree that the number of people I've slept with affects my character or morals in terms of that.
Oh and of course in this conversation he had to bring up our relationship, AGAIN, which drives me crazy because I am soo over talking about it and we're just beating this dead horse over and over again and there's no point. I keep telling him I'm sorry I hurt him and I'm sorry I made him insecure. But I'm so sick of apologizing! Gahh.
Anyway. This was a badly explained post, but basically what I'm looking for is both what to do about my friend, and if I should just stop talking about my sex life or hookups or men in my life altogether (which would make me sad because that's a big part of my life and I want to be able to share with my best friend what is going on in my life), and also what other people's thoughts are on the ethics of hooking up & casual/meaningless sex.
A few notes: -this friend and I never had sex. He is still a virgin. -I only brought up this latest hookup in the first place because I'm worried about being pregnant, which is a big deal and something I wanted to talk about with my best friend. It's not like I describe in detail every sexual experience I've had or something. -I already feel judged by society for my lifestyle choice; I don't want to be judged by my best friend too -I feel like there's a big difference between expressing what you personally wouldn't do and disapproving what a friend does. For example, my other best friend is getting married. She's 17. I personally would never want to get married, especially so young. But what she's doing isn't hurting anyone (of course it might not work out, but who knows, they could live happily ever after) so I'm not going to tell her what to do. Whereas if she was, say, smoking crystal meth (which she has done in the past but is 6 months clean) then of course I would step in because there are a million reasons crystal meth is harmful to herself and others. -lastly, with regards to my lifestyle, I absolutely think communication is important and make sure it is clear and ok with everyone involved what is going on. I don't cheat, I don't pressure, I don't take advantage of others, I don't ruin relationships. I am also aware of the health risks involved in casual sex.
That's really rough. I'm so sorry you had to listen to all of that.
When someone says something like that, they're generally talking about what they feel for themselves and about their experience in and perception of people and relationships. Ideally, that given, someone saying those things would at least qualify them that way. Alas, your friend didn't have that maturity.
There are going to be some major divides in some friendships or other relationships: we can't connect with everyone on every level, and people can be great friends but still have their own biases or things they can't handle talking about well.
IMO, this exchange has made it clear that this probably is not a friend you can talk about sex and your sex life with. I agree, that blows, but again we can't talk about everything with everyone.
So, are you comfortable still being friends with this person if you can't talk about this? Or might it be, too, that this might be a friendship where it's time to part ways or be more occasional friends?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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There's an idea out there that you have to be able to talk about everything with your friends or they're not real friends. I just don't find that it works like that in real life.
Obviously, you can't build a friendship on lies and deceit, but I'm not talking about lying. I'm just talking about having friends in lots of different contexts.
For instance, I have some good work friends, and we go out together, and sometimes even go over to each other's houses, watch sporting events, etc. But we don't really often talk about politics or religion, just because that's not the context of our friendship. But I have other friends where I do talk about that kind of stuff. I have friends I could go to in a crisis, and friends who like the same TV show I do, and all sorts of friends.
I think it's unreasonable to expect that just one person can fulfill all my emotional needs, and that it's right to just sort of dump all of my feelings on just one person and expect them to be able to deal with them.
It looks to me like your friend might not be in the right place himself to be able to discuss sex and sexuality with you. That may be because of his own beliefs, or because of your past with him, or all sorts of unfathomable reasons. But just because you should probably avoid that topic with him doesn't mean that he can't be your friend.
Posts: 51 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2004
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First of all, congratulations for getting off of crystal meth. That's a nasty drug and extremely addictive and hard to get off of. I wish you the best of luck staying off it.
You acknowledge that this guy has feelings for you. I would bet you a million dollars that hearing about you having sex with other people is emotionally painful for him. It's kinda sadistic (intentional or not) to be telling him about your sex life, especially if he wanted to have sex with you when you were together.
I am friends with a bi girl who had a crush on me but I didn't return her feelings. I didn't tell her about my sex life to spare her feelings, and you can do the same.
Don't talk to him about sex. He clearly can't handle the jealousy that hearing about you having sex with other people brings. What you're doing is rubbing his nose in your sex life and showing a callous disregard for his feelings. Go to your other best friend if you want to talk about sex. Or go here. Venting your worries about sex is what this board is for.
Posts: 39 | From: United States | Registered: May 2010
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I'll tell my friend congrats from you; she was the one who got off it (I've never touched meth in my life). But thanks.
What I was trying to say is that I DON'T tell my best friend the details of my sex life. At all. The ONLY reason I told him about this one was that I was worried I was pregnant. I don't randomly say "I hooked up with this guy last night..." I told him about this one because I was stressing about being at risk of being pregnant. It REALLY freaked me out and I wanted to be able to freak out about it to him. But I guess even life-altering things like potential pregnancy I can't share with him either.
But believe me I know he gets jealous and I try my best not to rub anything in his face. I know he's still pained by our relationship and everything that happened that semester (I was still in love with some else...etc.), even though it was over a year ago. He still brings it up and has even cried about it in front of me. I try to be very sensitive about his feelings. I know what it's like to love someone and not have that love returned.
Posts: 219 | From: Indiana | Registered: Mar 2010
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