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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » What is right?

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Author Topic: What is right?
in question
Neophyte
Member # 19464

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Okay, look, this guy at work and I are really close. We have amazing chemistry and are both good, regular people. We both are nice, outgoing, very kind to others, have a great sense of humor, and so on. I really like him a lot. Just last night I found out he liked me too... one problem though, he is married. We ended up sleeping together.. it wasnt planned... it was after work and just happened. At first we started just talking like normal, we were having a great time talking, such a great time that we talked for like 2 hours by his car. Well, we started to get on the topic of eachother and how we both like eachother. He told me he has needs and that his wife never sleeps with him and they fight. He told me he really cared for me and that he wanted to sleep with me. Since I have moved out here, i have been very lonely, he is the only person i have clicked with period. i dont know anyone in this entire state, well,i have met a few, but no one like him. so much red tape... It is like, I dont want to be the bad guy, a harlot, but how can i not be. Has anyone else slept with a married man they cared about? I do not just sleep around, i really care for him... man this sounds bad. I do not feel bad about it per se, only the fact that if I was his wife I would be upset. That is the only shred of guilt I have, other than that, not at all. I am not a bad person, this is just something that happened. Without tearing me to pieces, can anyone relate or see anything as an outsider?

[This message has been edited by in question (edited 08-16-2004).]


Posts: 3 | From: N/A | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Know what?

This guy is using lines on you that pretty much EVERY married man uses to make it sound like it's okay for him to be sleeping around.

"But my wife and I realy don't get along. Our marriage is basically over." (However, no one is filing for a separation or divorce.)

"We don't have sex anymore. We're like friends/siblings."

"She doesn't love me anymore," or "I don't love her anymore, I love you."

"I feel so much more comfortable with you."

"I stay married for my kids/wife/property."

"She won't give me a divorce."

"I have needs she can't fulfill."

"Really, it's over and we both know it."

"I'm leaving her soon, but in the meantime, I don't want to be without you."

"She's had affairs, too."

Sound familiar? It does to every other woman who's been involved with a married man, honey, and every other woman who's learned the hard way all that stuff is a pack of baloney. What's really fun is when they say that stuff then, lo, you find out the wife they're done with and aren't sleeping with has, like, a new baby on the way. Fancy that.

Ultimately? It's only okay for someone with a partner or spouse to have another partner if they and their primary partner have discussed it and reached an agreement. Period. Anything else is a whole lot of manipulative B.S.

This guy is the dope here, not you, especially if you didn't know the sitch until afterwards (and if that's so, how nice is this guy after all, eh?). Don't fall for it again. You really like him and he really likes you, you can give him your number and tell him to feel free to call you when he's divorced.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
in question
Neophyte
Member # 19464

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You had some great advice there. Another element is I may be naive... he is 30 and I am 20. I would like to think I really am helping him though. However, today, the day after this happened, he was apathetic toward me at work, moreso than normal, until afterward when he wanted to know if he could see me again. And you know what, i dont know if i will or not. it sounds like an easy no, but i seem to be good at hurting myself.
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Heather
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Can I be plain? I hope so.

You're in no position to help him, because he doesn't likely need your help, and a one-night-stand or a new and secret relationship isn't potent medicine for anyone.

He's a grown man who is married. If his marriage really isn't working for him, he has both the agnecy and the ability to take care of that via reworking the relationship or through a divorce.

But chances are pretty darn good that so long as there are folks like you around, darlin, he won't ever need to do that, because this way -- so long as he doesn't mind being a dirty liar and a manipulator -- he can get the best of everything, at the cost of all the women in his life.

You say you're good at hurting yourself, so sounds like you need to take a good, long look at that, because pursuing this sort of relationship will move you up to the head of the class in this department.

Take care of you. Leave guys like this to take care of themselves and the people they have already promised care for already.


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in question
Neophyte
Member # 19464

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Thank you so much, it was so sweet of you to to take time giving some random person advice. I really appreciate it. Luckily it may be simple to heed your advice, I leave back to college in a few days and it will be a little easier to avoid Dr. Temptation. And, though he has never cheated prior to this, I dont want to be the one to encourage it. Maybe we can all put it past us. It is really crazy, all those lines you said married men say, that is what he said! This is the 3rd married guy who has pursued me. PURE coincidence... I am not a flirt. However, this was the first guy I liked, even before I found out he was married. I just need to focus on school and not get tangled up in an emotional land mine. Thanks again, and have a great day Jenn
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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...or he TELLS you he has never cheated before this. How I forgot the classic, "I've never done this with anyone else before," I don't know.

Enjoy college: study, learn, explore and here's hoping if you find a relationship to pursue, it's with someone really available in all respects, who's a lot more sincere. I'd encourage it.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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