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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Faking Orgasms

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Author Topic: Faking Orgasms
PoetgirlNY
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I think that faking an orgasm is generally a counter productive thing to do? Who is winning in that situation? The person who doesn't have an orgasm? The person who is being deceived by their partner?

"In one study of 750 orgasmic women, 58% had faked orgasm at least once to please a partner or avoid hurting or disappointing him."
-Incredible Sex Facts, ETR Associates

How do you feel about this?

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*Limes Are Sublime*


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John Doe
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I think you would have to charitorize it as one of those harmless little white lies. Clearly it is for the beinfit of the partner who is being "decived". Its good for his ego and self confidence (I say his, because its a lot easier for a woman to fake it than a guy). The analogy for where a man might make a simalar lie would be in answer to one of those unanswerable questions like "does this dress make my butt look fat?"
Posts: 475 | From: ohio | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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after we have sex, my boyfriend always asks me if i had an orgasm. i'm truthful. if i did, i tell him so and said it was good (as orgasms generally are). if i didn't, i also tell him, and he usually doesn't like that. but i explain to him that i still had a good time. i suppose it's a bit like it's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game. anyway, i prefer not to fib. besides, it's better to get into the mindset that orgasms aren't an imperative, and not having one doesn't necessarily mean that my partner is inadequate.

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Living proof that it's hip to be square .


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sapphirecat
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I want truth. I'm never going to fake an orgasm, I don't want my partner doing it, and I'm not going to encourage it by asking about it. To me, a pleasant lie is far worse than an unpleasant truth. (This is reflected in my dealings with the world so much that I have been described as "honest to a fault"--by someone who later turned out to be a child molester, interestingly enough...)

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Sapphire Cat
You can love me or hate me, but it won't change who I am.


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Daisyluv
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I have yet to actually fake an orgasm but I have faked the arousal part and then that actually got me in the mood and the sex was really just awesome.

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"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and
realise they were the big things."

I wish you mud puddles and dandelions!


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lemming
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See, to me it doesn't seem like a little white lie to me. You know the saying, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten"?

If you fake orgasm, then your partner is going to think that whatever they were doing got you off, even when it didn't. And then, the next time they'll do the same thing and you won't get off, and so on.

Isn't it much better (and easier, and open-er, and honest-er) to just maintain a healthy relationship with lots of communicating about what you like and don't like in bed (or on the kitchen floor)? Then there won't be any lying, and everyone can learn how to make everyone else feel good, and the world will be happy ;] .

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~lemming, Scarleteen Advocate

want to know the inner lemming? read her diary at http://innerlemming.diaryland.com.
"Did you see my friend? He couldn't believe it, 'The girls are holding hands, the girls are holding hands!' Don't be a fool, it's 1995, the girls are just friends." --Belle and Sebastian, "Photo Jenny"


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smittenkitten
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I haven't practicced what I'm about to preach, but I plan to :0)

I agree that both people should be honest about how much fun they're having so they can work through the problems they are having. Showing your partner how you like it can really benefit your relationship.

I've faked orgasms a couple of times. Both were one night stands I had with women (my godsister and one of my friends). I didn't see either going anywhere, one was kind of a dare between us.

Hugs & Scully,
Winnie :0)


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entropie
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An ex boyfriend of mine admitted to faking it quite a few times ("to get it over and done with") at the end of our relationship. This hurt me quite a lot because I felt that he was not being honest with me about what aroused him..

After that relationship, I promised myself I would never fake again, and I haven't If I'm not enjoying it, I let him know in the nicest possible way. It would feel dishonest otherwise.

entropie


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PoetgirlNY
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This might sound sorta strange, but I'm not sure whether or not I fake orgasms. Or rather, I'm not sure whether or not what I do sometimes counts as faking. Often, I will orgasm from stimulation from my partner. Sometimes I won't, and in that case, I will myself into orgasm. Hmmm, not sure if that makes sense. If I start faking an orgasm, I can physically make myself have one, through the purposeful muscle contractions and thrashing, but it's not involuntary. So, a voluntary self-induced orgasm? Is it wrong if my partner thinks that it's because of what he/she is doing, and it's really just because I decided to induce orgasm? Is what I'm talking about even possible? Or am I faking orgasms so well that I fool myself?

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*Limes Are Sublime*


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Celtic Daisy
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Not that i've ever actually had the oppurtunity to fake an orgasm, but if i did i don't think i would. It just seems like a stupid and dishonest thing to do. And it really doesn't seem like anyone is achieving much or anything by doing so.

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"where'ths my mommy?"
-Shawna

Akimsa (non-violence)

~Erin~


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DarlingBri
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You folks are missing a whole middle ground here. It's totally possible to be having a great time, your partner is doing all the right things, and you're just not going to orgasm. It's nobody's fault. And nobody should feel bad about it. And if you have a partner with a fragile ego - and there isn't actually a problem you're covering up - then I see no problem with faking.

Some days, it's just not going to happen. And some days, orgasm is the least important part of having sex. For both partners, or for only one.


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John Doe
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entropie, your boyfriend said he was faking orgasims? I honestly don't know how a guy could do it. When a guy has an orgasim, he ejaculates (provided he is past puberty). How did he do it?
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bettie
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To quickly answer the question, yes I have faked. Yes, it was counterproductive, but at the time I saw it as an easy way to avoid additional stress in my relationship.

I stopped some ten years ago and have since followed Bri's philosophy. I just aim to have a good time.

I also wanted to metion that sometimes people perceive women to be having orgasms when they are simply experiencing pleasure. In my sex work my moans can be perceived as proof of orgasms. I have to correct them and say I am not quite there yet. I have also had that happen one on one with a partner.

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Louise Lalonde
-Scarleteen Sexpert & Volunteer du Jour

"Glad to have a friend like you,
And glad to just be me"
-Carol Hall


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Heather
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As a note, men do not always ejaculate when they orgasm. Though they OFTEN do, they are two separate events and do not always coincide.

In fact. it's common that when a man orgasms due to stimulus from something other than the penis (like the prostate), NOT to ejaculate.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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foxy34
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i feel like you should always be honest. my boyfriend and i always talk about how we feel and what feels good and it's okay if i don't always organsm. just make sure you make him feel good about what he does do... cause you know he still made you feel good. let him know that!
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Dude_who_writes
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Personally, I think it's all a question of tact. It just depends on how you tell the guy (or girl, if that's the case) that you didn't. If, for instance, you don't, then when he askes don't be rude about it. Just say something to the effect of "No I didn't, but that's not to say that I didn't enjoy it." And, I have to agree with the others who say that you're not always going to orgams -- even guys. Even when I'm engaging in "Self-exploration" I don't always get that wonderful I-can't-move-cause-it-feels-so-good feeling. That doesn't mean that sex isn't fun. And, it's right, you're not always going to orgams. Just, be tactful when you're discussing it.

Tim (A.K.A. The dude)

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"we would share and listen and support and welcome be propelled by passion" - Alanis Morissette("Utopia')


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the-old-soldier
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I asked my wife if she ever "faked it"? She said yes; to help my ego & please me. Then, I asked if she could teach me how to please her. I finally learned, with alot of practice.
It is better to be honest in a relationship.
Practice safe sex.

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$uMMeR
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Every time I wasn't being honest to any of my former boyfriends, I felt really bad and I'd start questioning why I was so ashamed to let him know the truth. Some may disagree, but I think honesty is very important in order to make a relationship work.

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*Read my diary

*Read my page

*And...alwayz :)


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cupcake
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i've faked it, particularily with my last bf.
reasons?
i don't orgasm. i never have. not by myself, not with him, not with anybody else.
also, he really wanted to give me one, becasue he said he wanted me to see how great it felt. i believe him, but... he'd keep trying, to the point where i'd get sore and then he'd feel bad.
but it was counter productive, because one day he asked me flat out if i had faked. i told him teh truth, and he was pretty hurt, becasue i hadn't been honest with him.

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Sapphire85
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My problem isn't that I don't orgasm, I just don't orgasm with HIM. Or at least, I haven't had one that I could actually recognize as anything close to a climax. I get really turned on, and it's so much better than when I'm by myself, but I just never get to that point. I "thought" I had an orgasm once, so I told him I did, which made him really happy, but I really haven't since. I wasn't really faking it, I just got this weird, kind of nice sensation, and decided to call it an orgasm. Sometimes, I feel guilty, like I'm frigid or something (even though I'm a firm believer that orgasms aren't NESSECARY), and I know that he feels like he's a bad lover, because I've only "orgasmed" once. We're working on getting me one, but it's proved to be a long, tedious process. I'm still figuring out what I'd like him to do. But anyway, I agree with the posters here that said faking is counterproductive. Definately.

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"Do what you will, always..
Walk where you like, your steps...
Do as you please,
I'll back you up.." ~DMB


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Rizzo
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I do occasionally have orgasms during sex, and I have never faked one. But I sort of know what you mean, Sapph... sometimes I have these nice feelings and I'm not actually sure if it's an orgasm or not. My partner thinks it's very odd that sometimes I can't tell if I had an orgasm or not. I guess for females there's generally more of a grey area... more shades of orgasm
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rekling
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getting back to an question early on in the thread about who faking an orgasm benefits: couldn't it be argued that the person faking the orgasm might also benefit from it, in the form of some sort of self-esteem boost, kind of the "yup, i am normal, i can make my partner think they've done everything right, i can make myself enjoy this sex even if i'm not actually getting off on it"? not sure that i agree with that idea, but i think it couldbe argued.

my biggest problem with the whole questionof faking orgams is that it hinges on the traditional idea that for sex to have been good, all partners must have orgasms. but as people have mentioned, its not always that simple. maybe people, especially women, don't know if they've had orgasms, or if they've just been really really aroused. and that should not be a problem. sex should be pleasurable. some orgasms are great. but so is some sex that leads to absolutely no orgasms. i've had some great foreplay that led to *no* sex whatsoever. it was much more fun than some of the sex i've had where i've had orgasms. when it comes down to it, what we really should be asking our partners about is pleasure, and what they like, and what we like, and how everyone can end up happy. for some people, that may mean an orgasm-centric sexuality, but for others, it may involve lots of sensual stuff that has nothing to do with orgasms.

personally, the only time when orgasms are necessary is when i have bad menstrual cramps. then i insist upon reaching orgasm.

love and pleasure
-rek


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Celtic Daisy
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quote:
Originally posted by rekling:
"yup, i am normal, i can make my partner think they've done everything right, i can make myself enjoy this sex even if i'm not actually getting off on it"

Like you said rekling, you don't have to have an orgasm for sex to be enjoyable, and it shouldnt' be that way either. However, not everyone out there seems to know that.

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"where'ths my mommy?"
-Shawna

Akimsa (non-violence)

~Erin~


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Just.Lil.Ole.Me
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I dont think faking orgasms is such a crime.

I have never faked an orgasm, my boyfriend is amazing with that stuff, but I think that if you intentionally fake an orgasm, its pretty low. I know that if I was to do that, it would only be bc I wouldn't want my bf to feel bad for not helping me all the way. I mean hey he's helping as it is... but you just can't orgasm. No one ever said sex is bad without having an orgasm.

If you must, do it... but if you do this intentionally, hate to break it to ya.. but your just a horny bitch

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Just.Lil.Ole.Me


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Dzuunmod
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Stop!

I'm sorry, but we just don't tolerate stuff like that around here. You can't say that someone who engages in whatever type of sexual practice, be it faking orgasms or casual sex, is a "horny bitch". Try and be careful on these boards, with such language in the future, and be sure to read the user guidelines before posting anymore.

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My God can beat up your God.
-Weights and Measures


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Zae~Zae
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I have never faked or had an orgasm since i started having sex. Don't any have stats for women and orgasms? Do women go years without experiencing one?
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Munchy
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Some do. It took me 4 years from the time I first had sex 'till I had my first orgasm. Just remember--don't try too hard.

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Munchy, the Munchkin, the Monchichi


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