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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Sex WITHOUT love or feelings.

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Author Topic: Sex WITHOUT love or feelings.
HotGrrl99
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Just to expand on a previous topic, I was wondering what everyones opinions were on sex without feelings or even love. Some people seem to be able to handle it, while others always get attached to the guy! Are you able to have sex with guys just because they are hot and you may be horny, or does that emotional thing always come up? I heard that there was a chemical released in our brains that can cause us to bond with sexual partners, even when the guy is totally no good for us, and we really don't want to!

Posts: 384 | From: Malibu, California, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KimmyP
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Man, at risk of sounding like a "slut" or "nympho", I've had sex without love or feelings. Well, maybe more like feelings on a friendship level..but not the type of feelings that give you those butterfiles in your stomach when you see "Mr. Wonderful."

I've grown up a little since then tho, when you're basically having sex...just to be having sex ....

I was always able to handle it, cause Im not one of those psycho clingy girls...im secure enough with who I am, to where it dosen't devistate me, if he dosen't call the next morning.

Be good Peace, im out!


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Lady Moonlight
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I can't imagine having sex with a total stranger, but that's simply the way my head works. I have to know somebody at least well enough to feel that he wouldn't hurt me intentionally, either physically or emotionally, before I can relax enough to enjoy sex. That said, however, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with casual sex, provided both people involved have an understanding of what their relationship is and they respect each other.

[This message has been edited by Lady Moonlight (edited July 24, 2000).]


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Heather
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I think what you have to recognize is that unless one or both of the people involved are sociopathic or psychotic, there are going to be feelings involved. We're human, we have feelings. They need not be romantic, but they're there, and if we think they aren't, we're in denial. perhaps they are simply about joy, or companionship, or fun, or friendship, but they're there. Sex happens more in your brain than it does in your body. One cannot have, literally, mindless sex.

Throughout my life I have had many serious partners, but I have also had many sexual friendships, as well as plenty of casual sex. Given I have particippated in BDSM scenes from time to time, I have also has SENSUAL, though not neccessarily sexual encounters with people for whom I had no romantic feelings. All of those different things have usually been good for me, but it varies. I have had very romantic sex that didn't make me happy, and very casual sex that didn't either. But none of those occasions really had anything to do with an overall time frame or emotional attachment or lack thereof.

That said, sometimes, the more aware you are of all of life's impermanence, and the variety of relationships we can have with someone, it becomes less of an either/or than of a very wide variety of relationships of varying degrees.

Bonding to others doesn't necessarily mean that is romantic. My personal feeling has always been that if I take someone -- on any level -- into my life, even if that is only in my bed, that on some level, I am acknowledging a certain responsibility or bond with that person for the rest of my life. I may never see them again, but if they were to call up a decade later and need an ear, or a cup of coffee, or some help, I feel I should provide it.

For a lot of people, though, for various reasons, sex need be romantic or in the context of a committed relationship for that to feel right to them, or even enjoyable. And there isn't a thing wrong with that, just like there isn't a thing wrong with being more casual, as long as it makes you feel good, not bad, and so long as you're responsible.

Ultimately, we're all different. But if what we're doing makes us feel good now AND later, and does the same for our partners, and we do whatever we do responsibly, with care for ourselves and others, it's all okay in my book.


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Lady Moonlight
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Well said, Miz S. <clap clap clap>
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HotGrrl99
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Interesting comments. What I always wondered about was how guys could pick up a prostitute, have sex with her for an hour, and just walk away totally detached, only to do the same thing with another prostitute the following evening! Raw sex without even caring to know what the girls name is!!
Posts: 384 | From: Malibu, California, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Assuming they didn't ask her name is assuming a bit much, and assuming there are people who do that with sex workers who do NOT do it with other women is unreasonable.

I think too, what looks detached isn't always. We just assume it is because no one is shedding any tears or voicing any regret.


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Lee
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How I feel about casual sex has a lot to do with whether I'm horny at the time or not. If I'm climbing the walls in need of sex I'm willing, eager in fact, to have sex with any girl who I'd consider a safe partner.

But other times, when my blood isn't boiling with hormones, I'm simply not interested in sleeping with someone unless I care about them. It doesn't have to be love, but there does have to be a genuine bond there. Even then I wouldn't want to do it if the outcome would be bad or if it was for the wrong reasons.

I don't see anything wrong with two people who trust one another having sex to satisfy the physical craving for it. As long as they are both there for that. Problems develop when one person is there for sex and the other is looking for a GF or BF.

I think that normal people want more than sex. That includes guys as well as girls. Overall I'd much rather have a good loving relationship with a girl and not have sex with her, than just rut with someone who I didn't care about. Obviously the ideal situation is being in love with someone who you are sleeping with. But thanks to superstition and other forms of BS, people our age can have a hard time finding that. In any case if I had to choose I'd choose the intellectual and emotional sides of the relationship over the physical.

But then again I'm not climbing the walls with lust right now. When I am, my hunger for the physical side is so strong that romance isn't exactly a priority for me.

Lee


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Lolahola
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I just want to say that I have gone through, and still am in one of those casual sex relationships. I forget to tell you that I am responding to your post up for the casual sex discussion. I think casual sex is not exactly one of the most normal relationships, yet I feel the exact way you do about it.
Its good to know there are others out there that know what I'm feeling and going through.

Sincerely

eVa Kozo
San Diego, California


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Lolahola
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The last post I put up sounded weird because I thought I would be responding to someone else's post.
I wanted to say that my views of casual sex vary. At first I thought long and hard about it, I questioned my feelings. Could I have sex and not get attached to a person whom I would be having sex with non-emotionally? It takes a lot of knowing yourself, and being comfortable with interacting in such a way, and not getting too personal.
In my case, I felt that I was strong enough in my mind and character. I am currently involved in a casual sex relationship, and also lost my virginity with the same partner. I feel casual sex is not for those that cannot stay disconnected emotionally, or know that if they do pursue such a relationship, there could be a possibility of attracting feelings. If you are such a person, steer clear of it, that kind of relationship is just not for you.
All I can say from such a relationship, is that it is great, for me and my partner, but then again, all guys are different, and each person will act differently. I don't get become dissappointed because he doesn't call me, or vice versa, because frankly I am not a "clingy" type of girl.
However, as stated before, each person is different.

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cupcake
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okay, now i feel REALLY bad, the one time i DON'T do a search, there's a topic on it already.
I'M SORRY!

yeah, it's been a LONG time since i've had sex without it, and just yesterday, i was messing around with my really good guy friend.
it just felt wierd. tehre wasn't thsi current of... i don't even know what.
It wasn't a BAD thing, it just took getting used to.


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lgray
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I have to say that I can't not get involved w/ my feelings and casual sex. Maybe it's not that my romantic feelings get all caught up but my self-esteem issues maybe? I've had sex w/ guys that I had sex w/ just to have sex w/, but then later if I saw them again, or whatever I'd want them to WANT ME again, if they didn't (for instance he hit on my friend instead of pursuing ME) even though he is the LAST guy on earth I'd want to be romantically involved w/, it infuriated me. Also, the first guy I ever had sex w/ regulary, even though he treated me terribly, after I finally broke things off w/ him, I still can't get him off the brain... I DON'T love him, I DON'T want to pursue a relationship w/ him, b/c his views on the world and mine our life goals etc are soooo compleltey different - yet I dream about him, I daydream about him, I think about him all the time... and this has been going on for over year. I think it has something to do w/ the fact that he was the first guy I developed a sexual relationship w/ and therefore I'm having trouble w/ closure or something... then again, all the one night stands that I had that were far far away where I never had to see the guy again... I have fond memories of and would never take back... they were good healthy experiences... until word got back to me from a friend that I was a "point" in this guys contest of how many ppl to get up w/ on spring break, then I felt used and like the experience was cheapened from being fun, youthful and exilirating to like somehow he had tricked me, used me... I don't know I'm rambling now....
Posts: 62 | From: Raleigh, NC, USA | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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