Yep ... I think it's not right, but a lot of things happen that we see as "not right". We can't change them or other people, we can only stop doing what we see annoys others. It's one thing to look for advice from your peers or "sexperts", but you shouldn't be bashing people because they've made you mad/angry!! At one point, you did or still do care about them ... Remember that!
Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000
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Well, I can't say I've never talked down about someone. In fact I probably do it too often, but it's a fault I'm working on. I think most of us have a natural need to vent when we're feeling negative emotions about someone. However, it pays to choose very carefully just how and to whom we do so.
Posts: 943 | From: Missouri, USA | Registered: Jul 2000
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In Judaism, there is a concept called "loshon hora," or "evil speech." The idea behind it is that you have a responsibility to recognize when your speech is liable to do harm, and when your silence (or a different kind of speaking) would either do good or at least not do harm.
I find that the practice of avoiding loshon hora is a very fine one -- it's far more ethical, and it speaks highly for one's discretion and restraint. Sometimes, silence really is golden, but even better than that is knowing where and when it is appropriate to speak unkindly or harshly: public forums are almost never the right place.
I learned this in class ... and i think this is perfect for this topic
If you speak bad about a person's actions, chances are they won't get hurt by it. If you speak bad about *who* the person is, their feelings will get hurt everytime. So instead of saying "Johnny you suck" you can say "Johnny i really think what you're doing sucks" ... Then Johnny knows that you do'nt think he's a bad person, just that he's making some bad decisions
In Buddhism, the concept is "right speech."
What I was trying to say, though, wasn't general. In my mind, we *all* talk about someone else publicly rather than directly at least once -- and boy, is that a conservative estimate. Yet, I'd think that when it came to your partner, spouse or closest friends, that that should happen far less.
In other words, an ex of mine's ex-wife (is that confusing or what?) used to make a point of airing their problems to a coffee klatch -- all who knew both of them and interacted with them daily -- with no care for tact or privacy BEFORE talking to him about these issues. It struck me that what she was doing wasn't about simply working things through for herself, but instead about rallying support for her "side" of issues, and seeing who could get painted the bad guy first.
In my mind, the old gaelic vows were unto something.
OK, I'll be bold and come out. I have done that. I don't anymore, but it has happened. I remember doing it when I was 10 years old about my sister. I also remember saying things about a partner in front of others to get other's support in hopes that my partner would change his behavior.
1- it doesn't work. 2- it does a diservice to everyone involved. 3- it just plain mean. Passive agressive behavior is something I have always detested in others. A big part of the was becasue I did it myself. I still hate it, but I do my up most best to never do that ever again. I think I have been successful.
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