Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Dirty Laundry

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Dirty Laundry
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I was really saddened this morning to find a post from one half of a couple publicly airing private personal issues about another posting half on the boards in a blameful manner.

I was remembering some passages of a traditional ancient gealic wedding ceremony in which a lot of attention was given to not airing grievances about one another in public.

Of course, people do this all the time: fight private battles amongst friends, family, or even strangers, but in my mind, it is really disrespectful, and really destructive.

What do you think?

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited September 12, 2000).]


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1207

Icon 1 posted      Profile for LilBlueSmurf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yep ... I think it's not right, but a lot of things happen that we see as "not right". We can't change them or other people, we can only stop doing what we see annoys others. It's one thing to look for advice from your peers or "sexperts", but you shouldn't be bashing people because they've made you mad/angry!! At one point, you did or still do care about them ... Remember that!
Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Moonlight
Activist
Member # 384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Lady Moonlight     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I can't say I've never talked down about someone. In fact I probably do it too often, but it's a fault I'm working on. I think most of us have a natural need to vent when we're feeling negative emotions about someone. However, it pays to choose very carefully just how and to whom we do so.
Posts: 943 | From: Missouri, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hanne
Sexpert
Member # 100

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Hanne     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
In Judaism, there is a concept called "loshon hora," or "evil speech." The idea behind it is that you have a responsibility to recognize when your speech is liable to do harm, and when your silence (or a different kind of speaking) would either do good or at least not do harm.

I find that the practice of avoiding loshon hora is a very fine one -- it's far more ethical, and it speaks highly for one's discretion and restraint. Sometimes, silence really is golden, but even better than that is knowing where and when it is appropriate to speak unkindly or harshly: public forums are almost never the right place.

------------------
Hanne Blank
Associate Editor, Scarleteen

"Be Excellent To Each Other" -- Bill and Ted


Posts: 1538 | From: boston, ma, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ThisGuy
Activist
Member # 968

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ThisGuy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think our society is largely founded on that principle. How would things work if we went around saying what we really thought of each other?

------------------
Sufficiently advanced stupidity is indistinguishable from malice
Crazy like a shoehorn, bay-be!


Posts: 915 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1207

Icon 1 posted      Profile for LilBlueSmurf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I learned this in class ... and i think this is perfect for this topic

If you speak bad about a person's actions, chances are they won't get hurt by it. If you speak bad about *who* the person is, their feelings will get hurt everytime. So instead of saying "Johnny you suck" you can say "Johnny i really think what you're doing sucks" ... Then Johnny knows that you do'nt think he's a bad person, just that he's making some bad decisions


Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
In Buddhism, the concept is "right speech."

What I was trying to say, though, wasn't general. In my mind, we *all* talk about someone else publicly rather than directly at least once -- and boy, is that a conservative estimate. Yet, I'd think that when it came to your partner, spouse or closest friends, that that should happen far less.

In other words, an ex of mine's ex-wife (is that confusing or what?) used to make a point of airing their problems to a coffee klatch -- all who knew both of them and interacted with them daily -- with no care for tact or privacy BEFORE talking to him about these issues. It struck me that what she was doing wasn't about simply working things through for herself, but instead about rallying support for her "side" of issues, and seeing who could get painted the bad guy first.

In my mind, the old gaelic vows were unto something.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bettie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 78

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bettie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
OK, I'll be bold and come out. I have done that. I don't anymore, but it has happened. I remember doing it when I was 10 years old about my sister. I also remember saying things about a partner in front of others to get other's support in hopes that my partner would change his behavior.

1- it doesn't work. 2- it does a diservice to everyone involved. 3- it just plain mean. Passive agressive behavior is something I have always detested in others. A big part of the was becasue I did it myself. I still hate it, but I do my up most best to never do that ever again. I think I have been successful.


Posts: 1060 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3