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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » The Randoms » Weird Turn-on's/fetishes Found In Opposite/Same Sex' Bodies?

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Author Topic: Weird Turn-on's/fetishes Found In Opposite/Same Sex' Bodies?
Brennan
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Mine is Complete Heterochromia in women/men. (Especially in women.) I honestly have no clue what it is about different-colored eyes, but it makes me want to, well, invite them into my home for late-night hot coffee. [Wink]

What kinds of weird bodily traits turn you guys on?

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blush
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Not sure if its weird but I guess its being a bit weird that I'm usually only attracted to this type of guy...slim waists. ^^; Strange but ya.
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Djuna
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Hi there! It's really not okay to call people with certain physical characteristics "weird" on here - this is a safe space for everyone - and equally, people aren't "weird" for finding certain characteristics attractive.

Too, the word "fetish" doesn't refer to people, it refers to deriving arousal from objects which are not usually seen as sexual, but to be frank I don't find the word "fetish" helpful at all in general. The things being described here - heterochromia, slim waists - could be described best as turn-ons, and I see you're using that too.

Also, I'm not super sure why you chose to limit this discussion only to opposite-sex and same-sex attraction, since gender and sex are by no means binary or male/female. That sort of construction excludes people including our genderqueer, trans, and intersex users - and like I said, this is supposed to be a safe space where people don't get excluded. (It's fine, of course, to talk about being attracted to men with slim waists, but I'm talking about the title of this thread excluding people).

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Brennan
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Sorry I didn't use correct terminology. *Sigh* You know, I just can't win. I walk into a room full of conservatives and they tell me I'm being too risque. I walk into a room full of liberals and they tell me I'm not accepting enough in the way I speak.

[ 07-31-2011, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: Brennan ]

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atm1
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It's not about being "liberal" or "conservative" but about making a space where everyone feels safe and respected.

Calling unchangeable things about others bodies (such as eye color) "weird" isn't respectful of people who have those traits. Wouldn't you feel uncomfortable if I pointed out a physical feature that you possess and called it weird?

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Saffron Raymie
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Because Scarleteen deals with very difficult issues such as abuse and body image problems, we have to do our best to make sure that the young people here feel safe.

Remember that the freedom of expression always comes paired with the responsibility to keep others safe. Sexual attraction is fun, absolutely fun - but only when it does not make the one you are attracted to feel bad about their own body.

That means making sure nobody feel objectified, tokenised, or outcast.

As atm said, it's not about politics, we all identify differently as reguards to politics and some are not politcal at all.

[ 08-01-2011, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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Heather
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Hey, Brennan: how about just moving forward, still being able to have the kind of conversation you wanted to have, about finding uncommon physical traits attractive?

Making the easy adjustment our volunteer asked not only still lets you do that, it lets you and others do that and read it in a way where everyone can feel as good about those things as it sounds like you do, without anyone feeling tokenized or like something about them is being called "weird," that's their normal. [Smile]

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Saffron Raymie
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I like slightly stocky people. Not muscular, just kinda...big. Solid, I think it's called.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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bump on a log
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When I was sixteen I had a crush on a girl with complete heterochromia -- necessarily brief, since I only knew her for a couple days. She was great.

I am very attracted by brown hair combined with blue eyes on guys, though not on girls necessarily. I fancy girls less as a rule, anyway. I think I like this combination because a childhood friend of mine had it. He was the first person I ever thought of as beautiful.

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Brennan
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I'm sorry for posting this at all..

It's really just the best way I can manage to mask my blatant homosexuality to myself -- talking about parts of women that give me 'wowsers in my trousers' so to speak.

*Sigh*

I need help, and I think I'm just damning myself by being such a jackass. I'm sorry for offending anyone.

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Heather
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I don't think anyone here thought you were a jackass. Seriously. I also don't think anyone was offended. It's simply that one of the things we do as part of our work here is work towards as much inclusivity as we can muster as well as doing all we can to educate people sexually with accuracy.

If you want to talk about what's got you feeling so upset and sigh-esque, we're around. [Smile]

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Brennan
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I really don't think I need the help of a support group.. I think I need a psychologist, or maybe even a psychiatrist. I've had support my entire life and it's only gotten me further into this rut. :\
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Heather
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Sure thing. If you want any help finding someone, know we're available to help you look. We've got some great GLBTQ resources here in our state, including good counseling resources.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brennan
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I don't know. Maybe I could use some support group help. I just came back from a major anxiety attack centered on my sexuality.

I don't know if I'm gay, really.. Lately, I've been sexually bored of women, if that makes any sense. I looked at some pictures of men and got aroused, but before climaxing I got filled with a sense of dread and disgust. I immediately closed my internet browser and finished masturbating to women and came to a decent climax.

When I freaked out over guys and quit looking at them, one major thought process came to mind: "I don't want this for myself. Men are disgusting. I'm not gay. I'm straight."

I honestly don't know what any of this means. All I know is that I'm immensely unhappy right now and could really use someone to talk to, contrary to what I said before.

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Heather
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You got it. I'm happy to talk with you myself, and/or to help you find someone in-person to talk with. Whatever you like.

Can I ask you to fill me in a little on why you think you're feeling like men are disgusting, or like if and when you do have sexual feelings or fantasies about men, you experience the negative feelings that you have?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Just a bit of bad timing here to know about, though, which is that I will only be off and on tonight, and only around a little bit tomorrow, if at all. But come Thursday, if you want some serious in-depth time from me, you've got it.)

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brennan
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(That's fine. Thank you.)
I honestly don't know why men disgust me now... I used to be openly homosexual (denying my straight side, which was very much existent at the time) until I became entwined in a very serious relationship with a guy who turned out to not really be on the up-and-up. He did drugs, the worst of which being his penchant for huffing aerosol. It would make him really aggressive and angry when he came down from the high, and he'd yell at me for talking about my 'straight' urges, telling me they were all in my head.

Eventually, out of love, I tried to tell his father about his drug use in hope that he'd get help. He intercepted the message and said that if he ever heard my voice again, he'd shoot me to death.

After that, I just decided to be true to myself and go straight. Now, however, I'm starting to doubt whether or not I -was- being true to myself by embracing full heterosexuality and eschewing my homosexual ways. I try to entertain the notion of being bisexual, but for some reason I can't accept bisexuality as a feasible option. Whenever I try to think, "Well, I can be attracted to both," I immediately focus on one sex or the other.

I'm just terribly confused, and I can't seem to come to grips with my sexuality. My biggest fear is being with a guy/gal and hurting them because I suddenly don't enjoy sex with them.

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Heather
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I am not at all surprised that last relationship left you with some seriously negative feelings. Being involved with an addict who threatens your life is going to take a big toll on anyone. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Were you ever able to get any counseling to help you deal with that trauma?

You know, bisexuality is an orientation with a lot of variables. There are certainly people who do experience it as having focus on only one gender at a time, just like there are people who experience it differently than that.

In terms of your last sentence, I wonder if it might help to recognize that even say, for someone who has never been anything but hetero, who is in a hetero relationship where they have really enjoyed sex with a partner can find those feelings change, and then they don't enjoy sex with them. People and our sexualities don't tend to stay static through life, and relationships shift and morph, too, so it's not like having those feelings change is the end of the world, or is something people can even avoid by choosing to identify a certain way or by choosing a given partner.

Know what I mean?

I know, mind you, that that kind of sea change can be a lot more loaded when you're dating people who ID as strongly hetero or as strongly homo: some folks in those groups get pretty intense about changes in attraction. However, that's really their stuff, not yours, and you also don't have to date folks like that if you don't want to. You always have the option of dating others who experience their sexual interests or their orientation as more fluid, too.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brennan
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I've not had counseling for what I went through. I thought I'd dealt with it pretty well, and after a couple months, I managed to stop having nightmares and random breakdowns. I'd even managed to stop feeling scared and paranoid.

If I dated someone like me, I know I'd feel depressed and emotionally devastated if my partner decided they no longer enjoyed sex with me, and started a sexual relationship with someone else of the opposite or same gender...

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Heather
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Okay, but can you accept that could always happen in any relationship? In fact, with sexual relationships that go on over time, desire waxing and waning or just bottoming out is incredibly common.

Or, do you mean just if it were around gender? If so, maybe we should start talking a little about gender stuff? In other words, if you feel like someone doing that around gender, rather than, say, because they discover they want sexual activities a partner doesn't enjoy, or find how a partner looks isn't working for them anymore, is a huge deal, maybe it's sage to try and think about why? Maybe this also has something to do with feeling like men are disgusting?

But I also hear you saying you'd feel devastated if someone had that experience then chose to be with someone else of any gender at all, so maybe this isn't about gender at all.

Processing and healing from emotional trauma can often have a lot of ebbs and flows, where sometimes we seem to be doing fine, then BLAMMO, we're not. That's not just you, I promise. It can also be that when we learn to deal with it, we cope in ways that aren't really about working all the way through it, but putting it away, which can be effective for shorter periods of time, but tends not to really do the trick long-term.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brennan
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So, you're basically saying I might as well just go on a chain of one-night-stands because any devoted relationship that involves sex ends up bottoming out? lol
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Heather
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No, I'm not saying that. If that's what you want, that's fine, but a) I didn't say that will always happen, or even in what time period (like, is a 10 or 20-year relationship short-term? I don't think so) and b) I don' think the fact that relationships often shift and change over time is anything people can't manage. It's part of life.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brennan
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Yeah, sorry, I just tend to be a little snippy when I'm down. My bad, really. I honestly think my sexual identity crises make it hard for me to actually enjoy sex. Even while masturbating, whenever I get it up, I constantly think about whether or not something arouses me. I look at a picture of a woman naked and wonder, "Does this -really- arouse me, or am I just forcing it?" Sometimes, I'll wonder things like "Maybe I -am- gay." Because of these compulsive thoughts, I sometimes masturbate 3-5 times a day, just to prove to myself that women arouse me with their aesthetic forms. Because of this compulsive masturbating, however, I tend to not enjoy it all that much, as I'm not allowing my body its necessary refractory period, and so I worry even more when my penis won't stand at full attention during my sixth masturbation of the day.
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Heather
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I think one of the tough things with what you're doing involves trying to apply sexual fantasy to sexual reality.

For sure, sometimes they do have something to do with each other, but just as often they don't. So, what you fantasise about and find works for masturbation isn't even likely useful information for your life in terms of relationships with/feeling for other real, flesh-and-blood people, on top of making the experience seem pretty darn unenjoyable for you.

Let's try this: let's say you are also attracted to women, on top of what sounds clearly like also being attracted to men. Let's figure both of those things are already "proven," and you know both those things are so.

Then what's next?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brennan
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I realize that fantasy has little to do with reality, but that doesn't change the fact that when I can't really get into what i'm 'doing,' it leaves me severely distressed. As for 'what's next,' that's just it -- I don't know. I don't know how I would react to having a female partner. I've only ever had male.

[ 08-03-2011, 04:41 PM: Message edited by: Brennan ]

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Heather
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Do you think you want to date/try and date women, because of an interest in women (versus because of trying to avoid men)?

When you have an interest in people of different genders, dating them generally isn't that different because of gender. It's different the same way dating different people of the same gender is: different mostly just based on different personalities.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brennan
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I have always had an attraction to women. That, on top of my distaste for men is why I'm looking to be in relationships with them. It's not because I think it'll be different than my failed relationships with men in any real way, but because I don't think I could handle being with a man, and because I find women sexually and intellectually pleasing. (I think...)
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Heather
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Okay.

So, how about if you do this: how about if you put some energy into accepting that you still have some attraction to men, but that's not who you want to date, and explore dating women like you want to?

If that feels weird or uncomfortable because you think you're not supposed to be attracted to others while dating someone, it can help to remember very, very few people are only attracted to one person or one given group of people, even when they do feel very attracted to one person. So, it's not like you'd be any different in that regard.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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How are you doing today, Brennan?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brennan
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Sorry I haven't been posting much.. I've been trying to just take it day by day and see how I feel.

I'm no good at articulating how I feel, but I still can't seem to come to grips with my attraction to men -- an attraction that used to make me bubbly, giggly and giddy now only makes me feel ashamed and bothered.

Sometimes, I wish I was a woman. If I was, I'd be comfortable being with a man in a sexual relationship. The thought of two men doesn't bother me, really, but I don't want to BE either of those men. I find men attractive at the same time as woman, but I don't want to be with a man unless I'm a woman myself.

And I have no intention of becoming a woman, so I would much rather just be with women.

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Heather
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No need to be sorry, this space is for all of you to use as you'd like to. No one is under any obligation here to keep posting. I just like to check in with people who have been having a hard time now and then when they're quiet to be sure you don't need anything, that's all.

I noticed in another post you'd brought up some of your feelings about gender. Reading that and what you've said here, I wonder if sometime around when your feelings changed about how you felt about being attracted to men, you might also have had a change in your feeling about your gender, too?

Mind, none of this is anything you have to answer or have an answer for. We all get to choose to pursue/date whatever gender or genders of people we want to. We don't need any rhyme or reason for that, nor does anyone, IMO, need to justify why they do NOT want to date a certain gender when they don't.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Nicholas Beggs
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Complete Heterochomia, Slim waiste, daintyness, short girls or tall guys, intelligence and a small cup size are all "turn ons" my one actual fetish is gynaphilia (being attracted by femininity).
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OliveCon
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I love androgyny, in men or women. Something about it seems so mysterious and HOT!

I do have a preference for scruffy white men, like Chris Pine, or Jensen Ackles. However, I can name at least one person from nearly every race I find attractive.

As for a fetish? Body mods. A guy with tattoo sleeves and some piercings is the definition of sexy <3

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pyrotech
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I have this weird thing about nekomimi (for the non otaku out there, there cat ears) I see some-one wearing those and I will do whatever it takes to at least talk to them. That and I have a thing for short girls.

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