Hi, I've been a scarleteen visitor since a year ago and Idecided to take some time and tell my story to prevent other girls and also to inspire some, when I was 14 i had a strong bond with my guy bestfriend, i liked him and he knew and we basically told each other everything, (sorry if this turns a little bit graphic) we were best friends since we were like 8 so our relationship as friends was really good, we were about to move school together and during the admission tests something happened, I let him run his hand under my shirt, I knew it was wrong but I didn't know why I let him, he had a girlfriend and i thought if i did that with him he would be mine. Indeed he did, they broke up and we started dating, it wasn't a good relationship I have to admit because we did things i wasnt comfortable with, once he forced me to do anal sex ( like literally he was holding my arms and tied me up) i tried to fight but i wasnt strong enough, i knew i could get infections and also could get pregnant so i started checking scarleteen to know more about abuse and sex. I obviously broke up with him and he started dating someone else the same way he started dating with me. I couldn't tell anyone and besides i was stressing to much so my period came late, I took a HPT and decided to tell my mom but i didn't tell her it was an abuse, I struggled with having confidence to people and became very lonely, sometimes i had to recheck if i wasnt pregnant or had a disease because i had nightmares about it, and all of it happened because i didnt tell him to stop and i didnt start a good relationship. Like a year later i started dating a guy who really liked me but i didnt like a lot, we became friends and he proposed in the old fashion way, flowers and a will you be my girlfriend? We've been together since and we have a great communication, like around a year later we started dating he said he wanted to start his sex life but only if i felt comfortable that he would wait if i wasnt ready yet, i felt it was time to let go the trauma i had and told him about safer sex, he agreed and said he also wanted to feel secure, we went to the doctor together and decided to use condoms and spermicide, he bought everything and rented a very nice location for our first time, we had dinner and then he said he felt nervous but he knew what he wanted and that we were ready, we headed to the bedroom and started making out, he fingered me but before i could take his pants off i started crying and said i i couldnt, he hugged me and he said it was ok but he told me i had to trust him and talk to him so i told him the whole story im telling you now, i told him he was the first one to know and he just said dont worry i will help you in everything i can, it is ok if you dont want to do it i will wait for you to be ready but i just felt like if i had a ghost i cant get rid of for forever, i told him about how paranoid i got with pregnancy an STDs and he said that i dont have to be alone that i need to tell someone, even if it were scarleteen that that was a beggining, we cleaned up watch a movie and he took me home. It is just that i stress from what happened before even if i know im not having risk at all, i know his hands were not dripping in semen i know he had not cuts but im having a hard time letting go that big scare i had when my ex raped me, i want to be able to do it but i will work in my self confidence for now. I just wanted to share and also have a comment about how not to stress a lot.
Posts: 9 | From: Somewhere | Registered: May 2012
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