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Author Topic: COUNSELORS
Alergnon
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Urgh, so here I am trying to get over this the fact that I have an appointment with a psychologist coming up in a few days. I have never met him but I am so freakin' pissed off, not at him but my past counselors. The ones who ruined me inside deeply. How would you feel expressing something to a counselor and they sit there staring back and they say, "I am unsure how to help you," or they tell me to go to this place and I do and the same thing happens but worse. I am sick of it. It doesn't happen anymore because I refuse to talk to anyone but I need to before I get even worse and end up dead. It's been 2 years and I have kept my mouth shut, what happened 2 years ago, what my parents said to me when I left. Oh but it doesn't end there, few year before that things started to happen, and it got worse over time then 2 years ago, I packed my bags up and left. So much hurt and pain happened then. Was I able to talk about it, no, never because I refused to talk about it. Now, I want to tell someone but I don't want to anymore so I am back to square one. Why? Why does this have to happen to me, am I some slave to people who like to hurt me, I guess I have this magical sign that everyone can see and it says, "torture her," yea, I am fed up. Done. I'm not taking any crap from anyone anymore.

So, my up coming appointment I have been literally obsessing over since I made the damn appointment what to say what not to say, tell him I am not going through that bull crap history with him? Tell him what happened? How I am feeling? My thoughts on counseling? What I tell myself about counselors? It's getting to the point it's emotionally exhausting for me, doesn't help when I have the flu, that I kindly got from my little sister, I deserve every bit of hell being at my parents house for Spring Break.

Do I express myself that I have been living on my own for a year and been out of my parents house for 2 years now? Do I tell him I have issues that I'm sure no one can help me with so why bother talking about it when I told those counselors they didn't know how to help? All I said was I am unsure of my sexual orientation. Then with a different counselor I said I think I have a start of an eating disorder of some sort. They both told me they couldn't help me... hell if they can't even help with those issues then I am sure they wont know how to help me with more in depth crap. Whatever.

I can suffer in my own god damn pain over this. For weeks now and it's getting worse, I have wanted to really hurt myself again over all this crap.

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Okay.

So, first things first: a counselor is running a business, and any patients are consumers ( even if and when our counseling is paid for by funds other than our own). So, you get to treat it like that.

Your first visit you get to screen a counselor. You can ask them about their background and education, and the way they approach therapy, asking any additional questions as they talk. You can voice concerns you have about counseling, in general, or with them specifically, and ask them to speak to them. You can tell them what you're looking for in counseling and ask if those are needs they feel they can help you meet.

Get the gist? You get to -- and should -- do this kind of screening, and then, if anything this person says or does says to you that they're not a good fit for you, you get to ask them for a referral to someone else or just blow the whole thing off if you want. It is absolutely up to you.

But screen first before you start disclosing. Just walking in and opening all the way up right away not only isn't something you need to do, it isn't sound to do with anyone, really. Just like with everything else, establishing trust first with a counselor is important for your own well-being.

I would just keep in mind that unless a counselor abused you, it's unlikely any "ruined you deeply." Your needs very well may not have been met -- counselors, like people in any other profession, aren't all great -- and you may have not felt helped, but I do think it's important not to put more on anyone or the process of therapy than is really warranted or sound, especially since it's a thing that's never just about the counselor, but about what the counselor and the person they're counseling do together. And if you come to a counselor with the idea or expressly spoken bit that by not giving you what you needed -- not because of abuse -- you were "ruined," any counselor is going to be pretty wary and feel they're not likely to be able to meet your expectations or work well with you. Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I think your right Heather, about the screening so I know he is someone I can openly talk to about my problems.

What I meant by "ruined me deeply," is I opened up to them on the first session and someone told me they don't do counseling but coping skills. Or I would trust a counselor and tell her something and then she didn't help me at all by just telling me that she doesn't know how to help. It's another word for it hurt a lot and messed up my trust for people now.

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Heather
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I guess maybe I'd suggest you reevalute how someone telling you they don't have what you need betrays trust. Know what I mean?

I don't see how it does: everyone has limits, everyone is going to find that they can't be the right person for everyone. For sure, if a counselor advertised themselves falsely, saying they did something you came to them for they don't actually do, that is fraudulent and IS about trust. But just being unable to help? Not so much.

What I hear is not that your trust was betrayed, or that you were ruined, but that you just felt really disappointed, maybe a helpless, in reaching out for help to find out that you couldn't get what you wanted, especially so since you disclosed things that are hard for you.

And that matters, but it's also not the same thing as someone doing you harm or betraying your trust.

I think the helpful takeaway from that isn't that you can't trust people or they'll hurt you, since not being able to give what you want isn't that. But instead, it's that you want to hold off on disclosures or talking that is very hard for you and makes you feel vulnerable until you've screened someone to be pretty sure that, with your own participation in the process, they can deliver the kind of counseling and help you want and need.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Btw, if you want to talk in advance with me about what you want and expect from counseling right now, I'd be happy to go over that with you, help you weed out any expectations that just aren't likely sound, and create a list of sound expectations and wants/needs that should be able to be met so you can have them when you have this first appointment to use in your screening.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Hey Heather,
Sorry for the delayed response. Now-a-days it feels like I shouldn't talk or seek help anymore. My first appointment went well. I like him. I told him almost everything.

This morning I called the doctor's office to ask if they have an opening next week and she said they are all booked. Then I said, well I don't even know if I want to see him anymore if I have to wait a few weeks to see him next. I have to wait 15 days from the last time I saw him to when I see him next... that is 2 weeks and a day. I am not doing okay at all. The lady on the phone said that his next one was a day after when I see him. Then she asked me I can book appointments so I can see him on a regular basis. So, I did for a month. Next time I see him is the 3rd of April. I mean this sucks.

I started to cry on the phone and I said I didn't know what to do, she asked me if I needed to see my family doctor I then said what is she going to do and I don't feel like being bounced. She then said I could always go to the hospital to talk to the crisis nurse, I then told her I will never go back there again from what happened to me when I talked to a crisis nurse. The crisis never took me seriously and told me that I needed to learn how to say no to people which never related to what I told her. Then another time I was there, I told her upfront I wanted to die and had a plan... completely ignored me and went to ask me questions. At the end she asked me if I wanted to kill myself then I said yes. She seemed mad at me. She literally freaked on me for telling her how I felt.


In January when I OD they asked if I needed to talk to the crisis nurse... I refused. Why should I talk to someone who did those things and acted out on me?

Well, the lady on the phone transferred me to my therapist and well, I said hi and said my name... I started to cry and I was trying to say something and I cried. He didn't say anything. I told him I didn't know what to do. Then he asked me something and I told him my past is coming back and that I tried so hard to forget about it, while crying. He then took me back in the present. I also told him there are things I haven't told him, he seemed interested in knowing what I haven't told him, because I told him a lot of things. He helped me over the phone.

April 3rd seems so far away. I feel like this will be torture for me. I am ready to talk, and I can't I have to wait like this. It's stupid.

I just wish those who hurt me should be the ones talking about it not me, now I am left to talk about what they did to me, it's not right and fair, why should I tell their problems to someone, which caused me to have problems because of them, it's twisted.

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Heather
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When you had your screening appointment, did you bring up how often you wanted to ideally see someone, and did he say he could see you that often?

I ask because I'd say it's not at all unusual for a lot of therapists or counselors not to be able to see patients once a week or more, and that unless someone voices a desire to see someone that often, or makes clear they need crisis care (being seen once a week or more), a therapist might not be prepared for that.

But it sounds like you have things scheduled from here on out, and while I totally hear that you're feeling in serious crisis, April 3rd is actually pretty nearby, not far in the future.

It sounds like this therapist did very right by you with the phone care. Perhaps what you might do is ask for other resources he suggests you can use in the interim when you're feeling in deep crisis?

(Also, bear in mind that when asked if you wanted to talk to the crisis nurse, it may not have been the same one you spoke with in the past. I also can't possibly know if the way that previous nurse served you was sound or not without knowing the whole story. But I do think, like I said earlier, you might need to adjust some of your expectations with some of these services, which is why I offered last week to help you sort out what was and wasn't likely to be realistic.)

Hang in there, Alergnon. In the meantime, I just gave another Canadian user these hotlines, today, you may find them of use, too: http://www.befrienders.org/helplines/helplines.asp?c2=Canada

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I had a look at the site. I don't feel comfortable talking to a crisis person over the phone, because I feel that person will send someone to me to check up on me. I'd rather call Kids Help Phone, they are completely anonymous and they don't trace calls nor have caller ID.

At this point I am not in crisis, I just feel depressed I took a nape of 30mins. I cried to my nape.

Sometimes, I feel that appointment for me is far away. I did ask him when I should see him again, he didn't know because he doesn't have control over his appointments at all or when people want to see him. I'm happy if I see him once a week for a couple of months just so I am stable enough.

I've used other supports while waiting for the appointment in April, I just feel that I shouldn't tell my friend about things anymore. I've threatened to hurt myself and I did, and I told him in detail. He couldn't do anything more because I was talking to him on facebook. I've threatened to do something to myself something drastic and really messed up to myself, which I have told him.

I am trying my best, trying to be strong and push it away from me, I did such a good job keeping it away from me,and I failed myself.

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Heather
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I'm sorry, I'm feeling a bit lost: to push what away from yourself?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Hey Heather,
I went to my families over Spring Break and memories came back to haunt me of what my dad did to me. The rape. So I pushed those thoughts away and I was doing so well, but after my visit with my family of a week, once I came home, once I went in my room I balled my eyes out. Sorry if I wasn't being detailed about it. Right now I have put those feelings behind me and I have won so far. It's no longer haunting me anymore. I remember it just I don't see it anymore or feeling the feelings. I have been thinking of telling my therapist but I only met him once. I told him everything else but that and 2 other things.

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Heather
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I don't think we've talked about rape history in your life before. If we have and I've forgotten, I'm terribly sorry.

But in order to heal from any kind of trauma or abuse, we can't do it by trying to lock out our feelings, we have to work through them instead. So, I don't see you having failed yourself or anyone by being unable to keep hard feelings away, you know? In fact, if you were able to unlock them some more, that's a way you've served yourself, instead.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Hey Heather,
I know I really need to talk about the rape, but it's so hard to do. 2 summers ago people founds out because I asked someone a question. She told the staff of the group home I was at at the time. They asked me and I started to cry and they talked to me and I walked out of the office crying. Well, the police found my dad innocent. I don't want that to happen all over again. It was so hard on me. I know I need to tell him there was an investigation but found my dad innocent. I know it's not healthy to lock out my feelings and I am trying my hardest to work through them. Just lately a ton of rising things are happening to me.

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Heather
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Well, for sure, having the first time you even have others find out be something other than your choice is certainly a hard thing on top of something already so hard.

I'm so sorry that your father assaulted you, Alergnon. And I'm sorry that it sounds like you haven't had any family awareness or support around it, and sorry that it sounds like finding supportive places to be able to talk about it instead of trying to lock it all out have been so hard for you. And I know that having feelings around something like this come up when you already have a lot of hard other stuff swirling around is just rough as hell. I'm glad you felt okay to tell me, and I hope you know I'm glad to talk with you about it if and when you want to, be it a little or a lot. I'm also happy to suggest some resources that might help you work through this if you still don't feel ready to talk.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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WesLuck
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My best thoughts to you, Alergnon. You've had a really rough time so far, and you deserve to get much better in your future. Heather is a great person, if it is all possible for her to help you, she will make it 300%. She is one of the most helpful and caring people on the planet, and she has been through a lot too, so she knows where you are coming from. [Smile]

-hugs for Alergnon-

-WesLuck.

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Alergnon
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Hey Heather,
It may take me a bit to reply now, due to the fact my life just hit a wall again. Sunday night my friend called the police on me and well the police showed up, he called them because he felt I was going to kill myself. So I answered the door and talked to the officers and they took me to the hospital, got cleared and they drove me back. I walked in a little past 1am and my landlord was asking me what was going on. I told him nothing and walked to my room. He then gave me a notice to get out. Well, I explained that nothing happened, that my friend was worried about me and he called the police on me for my safety. Found out Monday evening that I have till Saturday the 31 to get out. I am now going back to a homeless shelter for youth and they don't have internet there so I wont be able to use my lap top. So, every day after I get back from my co-op and do chores, I will leave to the library to get internet access. I am so mad at him, everyone is. So sorry for the delay in response a bit has been going on for me.

I would love to talk about it with you. Does the rape have anything to do with the way I feel towards men, me wanting sex from them, even if they're complete strangers? Me having sex for my emotional well-being? Somehow I feel it is connected. Not sure if you would know.

Some times, I feel that, "why can life be a little easier?" but really it can't, if it was things wouldn't work out, I guess. It saddens me.

Lately, I have been working my butt off and once I get back, I am so tired I don't do anything at all. I've been sleeping around 12hours a night without waking up once during the night, only wake up to the light in the room, which wakes me up but fall asleep pretty fast until my alarm goes off. With everything gone on, I feel my world needs to rest and the rest I get in a night, isn't enough for me. I'm not over sleeping at all, if I do, I get a massive headache and my head hurting, non of that happened.

Well, thank you Heather. [Smile]

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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