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Author Topic: WANTED: Alergnon, Hurting
Alergnon
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I am fed up! I don't know where else to turn to anymore. I feel like a bag of crap. Yesterday morning I went to the doctors office asking if there is any available appointments with the therapist, they don't have any at all until the day after I see him, which is 3 weeks, I then said, "What am I suppose to do," choking on my own words with tears stinging my eyes. I started to cry in front of everyone, complete strangers waiting for whatever reason their they're for. They kindly messages the therapist and asking if I can see him sooner. So, I am seeing him next Wednesday at 8:30am for about 30mins before his regular hours start. It's his job to make sure all this clients are fine, it's his job.

They told me he sees 5 clients a day, so I figured it out because I booked an appointment right after I saw him, which was 4 weeks later, so he must have 30-60 clients. Because there wasn't a signal spot free, every time and day was filled, up until the day after my appointment I have 3 weeks from now.

So they encouraged me to see my family doctor because I was so upset, I was crying and gasping for air. I said what will that do? So I went with them and saw her.

This morning I had an appointment with the sexual assault survivors center, I got there and the lady told me the counselor called me a few days before to cancel, and right now I have no idea how to set up my voice mail plus it costs me money.

Then Monday I posted a post on Kids Help Phone and got no response, I got one, just telling me to read my other posts and the counselors response. I feel no one can help me, they shove me off like I'm this freak.

I need to gather myself up and stop crying because I have to leave in 30mins to my co-op.

I am fed up, I should quit and save this agony pain behind me, quit everything, quit seeing the therapist, counselor and my mental health doctor. At this point I think counseling/therapy is a complete joke. I don't trust it no more. And next Wednesday when I see the therapist for a half hour or less, I'm suppose to express myself that I want to quit, I feel like no one can help me, keep being shoved off like some bad disease.

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Heather
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I just got here too see this, likely after you've gone.

But I DO think all of these feelings are feelings to honestly share with your therapist, so I hope that you're able to do that.

Why don't you give a shout when you get back and we'll see what we can do to help you get through and better manage all of this, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Hey, so I went to co-op and told them I have this massive project due tomorrow (which I do) and asked them if I can do that, they were fine with it. I am home now. I am trying really hard, the best I can to not mess up and I am.

I wanted to talk to talk to the counselor about some stuff, clearly not going to happen until next Thursday. I've had 5 appointments with her. First one was intake, second she had the flu, third went, fourth went and fifth it got canceled. I saw her 2 and half months ago for the first time... what is wrong with that picture? it's like seeing someone once a month just like the therapist. I only went there for something more focused and extra help and when I started therapy it was like once a month or twice a month, then I started to book 4 at a time, I can't do that now. What's the point. Do I juggle from therapy to counseling to my doctor (mental health doctor) for a signal month? That would be hard to do since I'm unsure when they would be free a certain time to balance it.

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Heather
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I think you have every right to feel upset about the lack of availability of needed services for you.

In terms of what the point is, I think that's really for you to figure out.

Is no counseling or therapy better for you than not enough? That's not something someone else is going to be able to answer. And if you don't know how to, I guess what I'd do, were I in your shoes, was look at how I was doing without any, and how I planned to cope without any. In other words, if not counseling and therapy if I was in a serious emotional crisis -- which you clearly are -- what would my Plan B be? Did I feel good about that plan?

Of course, I think there's another alternative here, which is that you take what you can get per those services and come up with some other coping tools to help during the times you can't get those services.

But again, these are all your choices.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Honestly, at this point I feel no one has the time for me. Before all this started, I hoped to see the therapist 4 times a month, but since I understand he is busy with many other clients, I dropped it down to 3 per month, just until I feel I am getting a bit better. I was hoping is to have 4 session once per week for a few months to get things sorted out, then reduce it by one and so on and so on. I don't want to rely just on therapy and medication alone, I want to be able to deal with it by myself.

I wanted to express more and more to the therapist, but honestly, it's so hard now to do that. It's like I need to wire my brain back to days I felt like crap and remember all over again to express it, how can someone just do that? If I see him once a month.

I'm so scared, you have no idea, I am scared inside so much. I have a physco path's mind inside of me. It's always been there. I used to write about it it great detail, I write it in my head, plan it, but I DO NOT act on it, never have. So yea, another reason why I need to talk to someone who will just throw me in the hospital, which I doubt the hospital here is equipped with that, they would transfer me to another city an hour away.

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Heather
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I can understand why you feel that way. Mind, I'm sure -- and logically, you probably know this, too -- that this isn't personal and there are other patients trying to use those services who feel the same way. I mean, the scheduling given, it's clear there are likely people who want to be seen who aren't being seen at all, ever.

In terms of how you remember what to say when you do see someone, the best bet for that is usually to write down how you're feeling so you can have it to remind yourself or show them.

I'm not sure what you mean when you talk about the hospital and what a hospital might be equipped with?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I've been in the hospital a lot and this hospital here always refers patients to other hospitals across Ontario because they don't have the required skills. When I went to emerge for suicidal thoughts, the ward was full of patients and they wanted me to go to a hospital where my family lives. Thankfully they were full as well. They were going to send me to this one hospital which I wasn't that objected towards, but instead spent the night in the emergency room with a guard posted outside my room 24/7 until the afternoon hit the next day where they brought me up to a free room.

I've been there 10-12 times in a 2 and half year period using up close to three or more months in the hospital on that useless ward. It's useless because how much you tell them they can't really help you. You leave with nothing at all, but the same clothes you came in as, meaning I have to wear a gown that drags on the floor when I walk. They don't set anything else up just a follow up appointment with the doctor and/or the family doctor. It's pointless to go there, when they will say, "well you do have a lot of supports in place in helping you get better," they've said that day one the first time I went there.

Also, the hospital here, sucks. I mean, lacking in doctors everywhere, and those doctors are at the better hospitals in Ontario. So, I feel they wont be equipped with it, they would send me to a different hospital. Not saying that my psychiatrist isn't good enough, he is actually from one of the better hospitals and drives in but since he knows what is offered there, he may send me or maybe he wont.

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Heather
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How about you have this conversation -- all you just said here -- with your therapist?

I mean, lets be real about all of this. Obviously, what kind of inpatient or outpatient care we can get, be it mental or physical health, is related to what we can pay for and/or what, if and when we have it, any national health we have covers.

And if we don't have amazing insurance or gobloads of money, then for sure, things like therapy a few times a week -- or even once a week -- and the most amazing inpatient care usually simply isn't within reach. So, we have to take what we can get, whatever that is.

I say all of that because any of us obviously can only get what we need within what we actually have access to. We can't expect to get what we don't have the ability or resources to access. (And I say this to you as someone who hasn't had healthcare coverage of any kind for getting close to 30 years now, and also has a mentally ill parent who often has no choice but to go into county care, so believe me, I get how frustrating this can be.)

So, do you think you and your therapist, or a social worker, if you have one who works with you, can perhaps go over what is and isn't available to you so you can consider your realistic options and make some choices?

I just feel like it's so easy to get stuck in being frustrated by limitations for you that that might actually be a barrier to doing what you CAN do for yourself.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Yea, I get what your saying- to use the resources that are available to me as much as I can. It's frustrating to actually have something I want to talk about that is painful for me, finding out that either a) I have to wait a long time to see someone, like weeks b) an appointment got cancelled on me or c) I feel I don't deserve anything to get better, maybe it's torture for me. All my time spend in counseling for the past 3 years, haven't been good, but this time it changed, I go in and I talk. When I first met the psychiatrist I hardly talked, I would stare at him for long periods of time. He told me I have been coming in and talking way more and better than I used to.

I know I shouldn't put it all down, but it's degrading to hear, "your next appointment is on the 28th," when I am standing there and it's the 3rd (an example dates)it's depressing to hear how long I would have to wait to talk to someone next.

Sometimes I should just suck it up and deal with it, and move on. Just breathe and get over it. It is hard to suck it up and breathe and get over it when I say these things to myself, I guess it's making me more angry towards it when I do that. Like I told myself to stop crying because I look weak, I took every signal thing outta me to not shed a tear after that, it was hard when it was uncontrollably.

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Saffron Raymie
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Most people in the world do have to wait that long for counselling, and yes, it's crap; really crap that people can't have the best mental inpatient care possible. Now, I'm definately not telling you to suck it up and deal; when things are crap we get to be angry and upset. We get to express that and talk about it - vent.

However, it's something that unfortunately won't change over night. So, we just have to be kind to ourselves, and let go of the things we can't change right away - it's out of our control, and it's best for our own self-care to let go of that screaming desire to change it.

Have you ever written how you feel down, or typed it in a blog?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Alergnon
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You know, many people have told me to blog, I used to write my heart out all the time, I really want to now, I can spend hours typing and typing until the sun rises till it sets, but I haven't for about two years now. I guess it changed when the group home I was living in, I felt what I wrote would get out, I felt eyes watching over me, I felt if I wrote it would kill me, or others finding it, even though I had a shared bedroom but had no roommate, I felt someone would find what I wrote and would use it against me. When I lived at home, I wrote for hours on end, and I would hide what I wrote, I hide papers in a stuffed animal, under the mattress, anywhere where I knew no one would ever look. When I left my parents home at 16, I brought it all with me, I brought more paper than clothes. I had basically clothes that were on my back when I left.

I've looked up blogs in the past, I don't know if they are secure, I'm scared that someone would steal my writings and that person gets an award for it, because I am a very good passionate writer and your still wondering why I don't write, I have solid reasons why I don't write. I am scared those eyes will return again. Feeling I am being watched, because what I write, it's more in depth then therapy itself. It's more in depth than therapy because it's coming from my heart in the moment of how I am feeling. Plus what I write has a ton of "give aways" to what is going on inside of me that I hate talking about.

I just don't know. I've tried typing on my lap top before, but I feel someone will hack it and find it, even though my password is so stupid it's not related to anything at all, I doubt they would know or find it out.

Here is what I wrote a few months ago: (may not make any sense, but I can go even deeper in my writing, this is when I started up again, then stopped)

The world grew so cold inside burning cold inside painfully blood inside that wants to get out. The sun is nowhere near the surface of the face of the earth inside, all is thick black darkness inside and out of the human mind. Mind is foggy with uncertainty and bleed in sorrow of pain flacking flesh hanging from the arm of the devil itself. Blood spilling out onto the unknown earth beneath the soul eater. Darkness crawls everywhere making it unbarable to breathe and think alone with tormenting thoughts of hurting torture inside and out of itself. Make all the pain disppear and go away for once, that grave is calling the name of the devil to go within it, to make it stop for once and for all. The hell is so unbearable to ones self it tears ones self apart in pieces and makes it hard to even breath in blood. Blood seeps out of oneself's arm to make the pain and darkness disappear. Spinning of a circle inside the head is complete utter and unbarable pain. Tears of flesh start to pour out of itself and the body starts to shake in misery of the pain.

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Saffron Raymie
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Hey! You do write very well!

Writing is a great therapy in itself, you're right there.

To keep passwords safe, it's best to keep changing it. If you're worried about remembering, an idea is to go through systems - like say you wanted to do colours of the rainbow; 'red' or 'red2012' could be the first one, and then when you started to feel a little worried you could change it to 'orange'. Then if you were worried someone could figure out it was colours, you could switch it up to days of the week, or make it safer by mixing in numbers and capital letters.

How are feeling today?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Alergnon
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I'm feeling better. I'm at school presenting my co-op placement to classes, no one is here right now. I am bored. I have music and a menu up showing (not now) that relates to the co-op I am doing, plus it's part of the major project exam.

I'm feeling fairly okay, went to bed at 3am and woke up at 5:30am and got to school at 7am and worked on my not started project that is due today, it's complete.

I'm feeling better thinking I get to walk across that stage to get that paper of graduating (I get the real diploma in the mail) and I have around 10 guests coming. Then finally going to hang with my friends and watch movies and eat junk food all night, then tomorrow I work, working for 6 hours, I hope I can function with not getting a lot of sleep.

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Saffron Raymie
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I'm glad you feel better; huge congrats for doing you work so quickly and making that deadline when it was so close.

I hope you have a pretty fabulous time with your friends; sounds like you deserve a break! [Smile]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Alergnon
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I may write, may continue it again.

Yea once I sent the message, a class had just walked in, so I exited it out and stood up. I really get how my classmates (which I never see due to co-op and we get together as a class to do work once a month, but I don't talk to anyone) are so LAZY, I mean they are so lazy, they sat on a chair, while I stood there. I was the only one standing. I had this guy come up to me and say, "Hey do you know **** my brother is dating her, she is one of the servers." I said, yes. Well, he voted for me for the most creative because I knew her and that I work there. I then joked because he said something like, "I want to serve beer," Then I'm like as a joke back, "Yea I can legally serve alcohol and I can drink, I can do both." He laughed and told me he was in grade 9, at that moment I saw him as a kid to myself being, 19.

I didn't want to go in detail before while I was at school and that, but, last night I kept obsessing over when I see my therapist, I had a full on conversation with myself and pictured him sitting there asking me questions. Got to the point I started to cry, I think I cried myself to sleep. I woke up and felt sick, I felt horrible, physically felt ill. I dragged myself out of bed at 5:30am, I swear I heard the birds start to sing after 3am. It felt like it was later due to the light seeping in my room, so I dragged myself out of bed, eyes swollen and just gathered my things and got dressed and left for the bus. During the day, I felt sick on and off. I have this weird feeling, my diabetes isn't so good. I don't eat/drink sugary things (I am having a Slurpee, which has been months since I had one)and I haven't changed in how much or less I eat during the day, it's usually the same, once or twice a day I eat. I know, the nurse yesterday told me to eat 8 small meals a day, it's hard to do that for a ton of reasons.

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Robin Lee
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Alergnon,

How are you feeling today?

You mentioned that you think your diabetes might be giving you trouble. If the nurse is suggesting small meals throughout the day, perhaps you can discuss with the nurse or doctor how to build that kind of eating plan into your schedule. They might have some ideas for eating on the go. It's important to take care of this for your physical health, but also because physical health can often affect how we feel mentally and emotionally and I know you've been having a rough time in the last little while.

--------------------
Robin

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Alergnon
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Hey Robin,
Yesterday I finally walked across that stage to receive my diploma, it's not over yet, I can't relax from school. I just got back from doing some volunteer hours where my co-op is.

Today was okay. I went in to where I work for my co-op to do volunteer hours and the line cook he talked to me about where I have been. I told him where I have been. He told me the Kitchen Manager was very disappointed in me. So, Thursday I walked in before 10am and asked the manager if I can work on a massive project that is due the next day, he told me to ask the assistant kitchen manager. I asked him if he needed me, he told me he didn't, and to let the Kitchen Manager know, and I asked him if he will, he said yes. So the line cook asked me where I was for Thursday and Friday, well I told him I had told the assistant Kitchen Manager. He understood what had happened, he told me to not trust him at all, to go to certain people if your not going to be here so we know.

He told me that it looks bad because they want to hire me and the Kitchen Manager was disappointed because I'm showing interest in the job and asked about it many times.

At this point I feel hurt and betrayed. Now I
know the hard way to not tell the assistant Manager anything because he doesn't pass any information on to others. I thought it was okay. My employment is on the line now, I'm unemployed and I need to have a job.

Other than that I'm okay.

About the diabetes I'm still in denial of it, I've had it for almost 3 years now. I've had my share of illnesses following knowing about my illness. I am planning on getting a membership at the YMCA, get one that is reduced. About eating smaller meals during the day, it's really really hard. I feel ashamed for it, I go to a food bank once every other week. I also buy cheap healthy foods when I can. Some times, I have to starve myself in order to have enough food to get by. I have responsibilities and once my check is deposited into my bank I pay some of my credit card off get a phone card for the month, pay for my bus pass, and other expenses, not including paying my rent, it's paid before I get paid, I get what is left over. It's hard to manage money when I get so little.

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Robin Lee
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Hi Alergnon,

Congratulations on getting your diploma. Really, that's a big thing! Yay!

You're concerned about whether you'll get this job. Is the assistant manager the one who does the hiring? It sounds like you were able to clear up this misunderstanding. Hoping for the best for you.

I completely hear you re the money dilemma. Most government assistance doesn't give people nearly enough to take care of themselves in a healthy way, let alone if they have a health condition that requires them to do specific things.

Good luck with getting the YMCA membership. [Smile]

--------------------
Robin

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Alergnon
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Hey Robin,

No the Assistant Manager doesn't do the hiring, it's either the Store Manager or the Kitchen Manager. Both the Store Manager and the Kitchen Manager are both my supervisors while I am there.

Yea money is a hard thing for me. I filled out this form and my doctor for a diet plan where I get a little more money each month but doesn't do much. I'm trying to push myself to save during the entire month, just when I get paid I pay 20 bucks for my pre-paid card for my cell phone and then paying more money towards my credit card bills each month. But, next month I am getting more, taxes came back and I get a portion of it for a year till I have all my taxes back. So, next month getting a check for that, which I'm putting half of it towards my credit card and then what I paid towards my credit card this month, should reduce it a bit more for me. I'm going to be setting some aside for any emergencies that come up and other things.

I'll go to the YMCA closer to the end of the month to talk to someone who is in charge of memberships and like discounted/reduced cards each month.

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Alergnon
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Okay, I had an appointment this morning with the therapist it went very very well. He asks the same question every time I see him, "How have you been since I last saw you?" I said, "I don't really know how to respond, I mean, a lot has gone on... can I see you more often?" He then asked me if I see other people, I said yes, he asked who, told him. So, he said I can book appointments once a week for 30mins like the appointment I had. He also told me, he has seen me more than his other patients. Then he came out with me and he told the receptionists that I can book appointments for 8:30am for a half hour. He told me I was the only person who has addressed the problem with him and he is glad I did, so he knows how to help me.
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copper86
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Alergnon, I've been reading some of your posts, and though I don't know everything that is going on, I really hope you are doing well and that you are okay. Counselling is a great thing; and it's great that you feel like you can share things with this therapist. I really liked talking with my Chaplain; since she was a neutral party and I knew she would give me sound advice. It's so reassuring to talk to someone who has our undivided attention and our very best interests at heart.

Congratulations on your diploma! You should feel very proud of yourself. Your diploma is something that you will always have; and I think you should take great pride that you received it. Treat yourself, even if it's a night without other projects or a movie with your favourite foods. You deserve it!

[ 06-15-2012, 09:50 PM: Message edited by: copper86 ]

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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