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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » The Randoms » New member

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Author Topic: New member
phoneutria_fera
Neophyte
Member # 55355

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Hi,
I am phoneutria_fera, which is the scientific name for my most fascinating animal. I am 24, cis female, questioning my sexual identity (who I'm attracted to and whether I'm sexual or asexual). I am in a mostly non-sexual, romantic relationship with a cis man. I have multiple disabilities and reside in an institution (my boyfriend doesn't). This Sept, I'll be marrying my boyfriend, but we won't live together due to my care needs.

Posts: 10 | From: Netherlands | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Welcome! [Smile]

Do you want to talk about any of this?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
phoneutria_fera
Neophyte
Member # 55355

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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Welcome! [Smile]

Do you want to talk about any of this?

Thanks. Yes, in a way I want to talk about this stuff, but in another sense I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it. My boyfriend is somewhat unsupportive of my questioning sexual identity, which makes me uncomfortable to talk about it on the Internet. Even so, I need a place to sort things out a bit. Also, things are rather complicated because of my disabilities.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Want to maybe start by talking about the questioning?

Have you started with something basic here like this: Q is for Questioning?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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phoneutria_fera
Neophyte
Member # 55355

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Thanks for that article. I feel questioning because of many of the reasons mentioned in that article. I used to identify as lesbian, then bisexual, when I was in my teens, but I'm not even sure whether those attractions were "real". Heck, I'm not even sure whether my attraction to my boyfriend is "real", since I have a hard time understanding the concept of attraction.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Does it help to switch out the terms sexual or romantic "attraction" for "strong sexual and/or romantic interest?"

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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phoneutria_fera
Neophyte
Member # 55355

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I'm not sure what you mean by strong romantic/sexual interest. I don't understand the concepts, at an emotional level.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okay, let me try and clarify and see if that helps.

Sexual interest means you have interest in being sexual in some way, that you experience what you know to be sexual feelings for you and you have the desire to express them in some way.

If what "feeling sexual" is feels murky, one way to think about it might be to consider it's generally about the desire to touch and be touched, usually both physically and emotionally in a way that is intimate (not like, say, wanting a hug from a platonic friend or a kiss from a relative).

Romantic interest is a little bit easier to talk about: it's about having an interest in romantic love with someone. In other words, while friendship may be part of that, it's not all, and it's also different than feelings we might have like love of a sister or mother.

I know all of that is still murky, but it's necessarily going to be when we leave room for the fact that what these feelings are and what they feel like is VERY individual: how they feel to one person isn't the same for someone else, and even how these things feel at one time of our lives isn't the same as at others.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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phoneutria_fera
Neophyte
Member # 55355

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Thanks for the clarification. I think I do have romantic feelings about my boyfriend - I'm not 100% sure, since it is possible that what I feel is just strong friendship -, but not really much sexual interest. I like to be hugged or kissed by my boyfriend, and only by my boyfriend (I can't stand touch from anyone else), but I don't feel comfortable with any more intimate touch most of the time. My boyfriend thinks I'm just repressed, but I don't have sexual fantasies at all, and never did.

It is a little complex, in tha tmy boyfriend says I sometimes do want sex. I have multiple personality disorder, and it is likely that some of my alters are sexually interested, and I don't remember it when they say they want sex, but my boyfriend does and says it's me wanting sex. I'm sorry if that makes no sense.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm always very uncomfortable with anyone calling anyone else sexually repressed who is not that person's sex therapist (and even then, that's not language most would use). However, if you -- and in your case, I think it makes the most sense to talk about the you you are at the baseline, not about alters, since they're not fully incorporated with you -- don't have what you identify as sexual thoughts or fantasies, no matter what, it doesn't make sense to talk about repression. A thing has to be there for us to repress it.

I assume that you have a therapist you see? If so, have you talked with them about sexuality, sex and your alters? Might they be able to better educate your boyfriend on the difference between their desires and yours, and how it's not something where he can exactly apply what they express to you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

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Welcome [Smile]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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