It started when I was very young, low self esteem I suppose you might call it. I was 3 years old it was my birthday party. We had just moved into town. I was sitting on the hearth wondering were all the kids were because this is my birthday, there should be kids there right? That was the first time I felt different. I have no idea how I knew birthday parties had kids, I just did.
The next time was in kindergarten. I was never anyone's first choice when we would pick partners for stations. I used to get spun in circles by mean kids (and they were in JK, I was an SK, I should be stronger than that) [by the way this is all written mostly as the thoughts went through my head at the time]
In the primary grades it was basically a years of not always having a best friend, not always having an activity to do at recess, not getting picked for sports. Things like that. It didn't help that I am stubborn, out-spoken, different and strongly opinionated. I didn't have a terrible childhood I must inform you, I am simply telling you the parts that made my self esteem go lower.
In grade 5 I started French immersion, I no longer had the friend I use like a safety blanket. I became friends with this new girl, she was strange and an awful friend eventually, but I needed a friend and she was my only option. Later in grade 5 I broke my arm and the friendship that had been crumbling, I began playing silly games with a bunch of grade twos who thought I was cool and whom I felt a connection with because one of them, whom I already knew, also had a broken arm. The friendship with that girl fell back and forth, us leaning on each other for friends when neither of us had one and instantly ditching the other if we could. I don't think we ever liked each other and we still don't, we just had a common unpopularity.
In grade seven I was spending another recess alone and I came across my security blanket friend and a group of other girls, long story short, I played with them every recess, most of them hated me, in grade eight my security blanket friend and I became best friends (which I forgot to mention we HAD been before). I never, ever had fun playing with them, but it had been so long since I had, had fun I'm not even sure I noticed.
In grade nine my security blanket friend and I remained BFFs. Her mom drove her and I to and from school everyday and so I felt like that gave her the right to make all our decisions, but really I just chickened out. She made numerous, numerous friends. I made one friend and two sort of friends. My grade nine year, other than meeting that one girl who's my friend, basically sucked.
The first month of grade 10 was the same, we ate lunch with her friends, none of whom were my friends, most of whom hated me, did what she wanted and I was basically a puppy who followed her around and kept her company when not in the presence of some one better.
I just want to take a moment to say that she really is a good friend, she has no idea I'm sure that she is doing this to me. I suppose really I am doing this to me.
It has been a long time that our friendship was deteriorating, but now it is to the point that we struggle to have a conversation, I have better conversations with EVERYONE than I do with her.
So the third week of this month, (October of grade 10) she was out sick for a week. It was only a 4 day week, but it was the most crucial and dare I say it, best 4 days of my life recently. I ate with that one friend and her group which includes a friend I have made this year (whom I'm sort of crushing secretly on) and an extended a trillion times removed cousin I never knew I had. I had forgotten how to have fun, now, when I'm not freezing my *** off (we brave the cold and eat out side, safely AWAY from the smokers) I am laughing, taking part in the conversation.
Most mornings I walk to school and security blanket "BFF" meets me, we also walk home and share a class together. But I really want to cut her out of my life, I think. But then again I love her like a sister.
Anyway that new friend I made in grade nine and I are very close I don't know if she considers me THE best friend, but she (I think) considers me A best friend. We have countless sleepovers and she knows to an extent that my alleged BFF and I have nothing in common. It has been only 2 weeks, but already I go to the mall with them every Friday. She also anguishes about a Best friendship that fell apart in High School. I think this is the next era for me.
I knew this would be long, but not this long, I won't apologize for it's length as others do, I will congratulate you if you read through all of it and give you points for intelligence if you skipped to this part to see if I summed it up here. I guess this was kind of like a life story and did it ever feel good to get it out. Please don't comment negatively, this is a festering wound, an open sore, you are cruel if you poke at it.
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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Hi moonlight. This area doesn't tend to get as much traffic as the other areas (like Relationships), so sometimes posts here will go unnoticed a while. (If you want, just ask and we can move it to another section that gets more traffic.) As well, we never make any promises that any post will be answered at all, much less within a certain time frame. That said, I am sorry you had to wait for a response.
I'm not entirely sure what you are asking for here. Could you clarify? I'm a little confused also by which friend you are referring to at different points. It sounds like you wish to end one friendship in order to continue another one, but I don't quite understand why that first friendship must end. After all, we can have many close friendships, and it's actually good to have so many close friends!
We're also not always going to have everything (or even anything) in common with our friends, but that doesn't mean they can't be a good friend to us. Friendship is about more than common interests; it's about being there for one another through the tough times, and wanting to share the good times with each other.
[ 10-29-2009, 10:03 PM: Message edited by: orca ]
-------------------- Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007
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