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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » The Randoms » Do you believe in "The One"?

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Author Topic: Do you believe in "The One"?
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Ok, another thread kind of sparked my thoughts.

Since we were little, we've all heard the fairy-tales about that certain someone that you meet, and he/she is IT.

I fell in love for the first time at 13, and I was convinced that he was the one. To the point that I had secretly plotted that if he ended up married to/permanently with someone else, I was going to join a nunnery.

However, things didn't work out. And I was kinda sad for a little while, but I moved on.

Since then, any time I've been in love, I've felt incapable of being attracted to someone else, but I've known that that feeling can fade, and in my case always has.

My parents have been together for 35 years, and honestly, If they're each others "the one", then I'm running for the hills. I'd seriously rather be alone forever than have a relationship like theirs.

I've also seen so many long-term relationships that look so happy for so long, then end. And most of the married people who's lives I've managed to look into seem completely unhappy but only put up with each other for X reason.

I know that, given that the target audience of this site is young people, that there's probably not too many people who have been with their current partner for decades and decades.

So what are your thoughts on "The One". Do you know any examples of people who you truly believe has found them? Do you think you ever will?

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Executive Director & Founder
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I don't believe in "The One" for everyone. I believe and know that some people, albeit fewer rather than more, do, in fact, find that in a lifetime, they have or have had one romantic relationship they feel was THE relationship, the only real, profound love relationship, for them.

I know far more people, and include myself in this group, who have had "The More Than One." In other words, who have had more than one very important, big love relationship they/we feel has been huge and integral in our lives. Personally, I'd say I've actually had quite a few of those (and feel very blessed in that), more of them longer-term relationships, but a couple of them shorter term, one by very unfortunate circumstance (a death), and a couple others which were very short by design or circumstance that wasn't so unfortunate, but just the way things turned out. Not all of those relationship were monogamous by design, either.

In neither of these cases does that mean relationships of deep significance must be sexual or romantic, either. For some people, those relationships may be platonic friendships or family relationships. The idea big, big loves MUST be romantic or sexual is something I find to be a false construction when it comes to the reality and diversity of people's loves.

Interestingly, I didn't grow up with the messaging that there was this one person for everyone. Sure, I got in in some stories and movies and in some cultural messaging, but both with my parents, the way I was educated and the area/neighborhood I grew up in, that was earnestly not pervasive. Of course, not getting that messaging didn't stop me from feeling that way with my first important, big love relationship. [Smile]

And strangely enough for someone without that messaging, even though the partner I'm with currently is someone where we both know we have each had other major love relationships in our lives, accounting for breaks, one of which was just over ten years, we've known each other and been involved off and on for 20 years, and have the strong sense that even if changes happen again, in some respect we always will be central to one another. I do think it's worth noting though, that is 20 years of perspective on that relationship talking, and a lifetime twice as long as that, so it may well be that sometimes that kind of perspective from older people is what it is because of that tenure, you know?

[ 04-25-2010, 10:43 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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That's interesting to hear from that point of view.

While I feel like all (or really, I can only think of 2 times that I've for sure been in love) of these have impacted me, I don't really feel like that about them. Maybe because I've never really felt like I was on even ground.

The first guy (starting when I was 13, ending when I was 15), I never even actually dated. It was one of those best friends that you're "secretly" in love with. But he knew, and I was always kind of hurt that he never pursued a relationship with me. Between that and him kind of telling some of my secrets to some other people, we stopped speaking. Not long after that, he came out. That actually gave me closure, because I realised he didn't reject me because I wasn't "pretty" or "fun" enough, or something like that.

The second and most recent time, I'm sure anyone who is familiar with my previous posts knows about. I always did feel very neglected in that relationship, and it got to the point where it just wasn't worth trying to save.

Also, while I REALLY appreciate Heather's input, but I'd also like to hear more opinions and make a discussion of this. So if anyone else is reading out there, please feel free to chime in!!!

[ 04-25-2010, 09:38 PM: Message edited by: atonement9 ]

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I don't believe in "The One"... Although I seem to have found quite the catch, even if he isn't the one and only person who would ever be compatible with me.

I am under the opinion that there are lots of people who are really compatible with you... Some people just mesh with you more than others. Like the friends that you know for two weeks and you realize that you can practically read their mind because you just... synchronize with them.

So... I believe in "The OneS"... The people you mesh with and are interested in romantically... but I don't believe in a soul mate.

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I used to believe very strongly in The One. My high school boyfriend/best friend and I were involved in one way or another from sophomore year of high school to freshman year of college, and we really did feel that we were soul-mates and would end up together. I very much could not imagine ever being without him.

Then, of course, life happened. I realized that I was much more strongly attracted to women for the time being, and he met someone else and fell in love (and is happily engaged to her now). And the world didn't end. And though we're still occasionally in touch and he's still a very important person to me, we've both come to realize that there is no ONE person you are meant to be with forever and ever.

I've since had another very important long-term relationship, as well as one very close friendship that really meant a lot to me and that I wouldn't have wanted to miss for the world.

I feel like we just change too much, as people, and our circumstances change too much, for us to be consistently tied to one person. As well, I also feel that it's a little restrictive to strive for only one, monogamous romantic relationship in our lives and make that the be-all-end-all. There are so many other important relationships (friends, family, mentors, etc), and so many other ways of conducting even a romantic relationship, and I just would never want or expect to miss out on them.

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My mother and father were highschool sweethearts, each other's first and only big loves. They've had a bit of rockiness and issues from time to time, but have been happily married 30 years and been together for 40.

But I don't believe in "the one". As Heather said, there are the few, like my parents, who have one major relationship in their life. However, in terms of there being the "one" as in, there is ONE person out there who is your "soul-mate" and who you are "meant to be with" kind of deal, I think is not true at all. I mean, there are 6.7 billion people on this planet. I think it's kind of DEPRESSING and almost INSULTING to suggest that there's only ONE person out there who will love you/you will love big-time, ahaha [Razz]

When I was younger, I used to be pretty clingy and "I'LL BE WITH YOU FOREVER AND EVER" about all the guys I was crushing on, but I think that was just a maturity thing. I don't know if I really genuinely believed there was "The One". And now that I'm older, I'm quite a bit more chillaxed about the whole relationships, marriage, long-term commitment things. If it works, it works, but if it doesn't, well it was still a good experience. And it won't be the end of the world if I never get married. It's not any big goal in my life or anything.

And I totally agree with joey that there are just so many other important relationships in your life that it's really limiting to strive for just one particular thing as the hugest deal ever. I also agree that someone would very likely miss out on or undervalue such great experiences, and I'd hate to do such a thing.

[ 04-27-2010, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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I'm 14 (yes, it might sound young and stupid) but I am definitley in love with my current boyfriend, who has also been my best friend for the longest time. I don't know if there is such thing is "The One". I mean, if there is, I definitley met MY "One" at a very young age, one being so young that it could affect the outcome of my relationship. The thing is, though, love to me is indescribable: there is no way to explain it, or show it to others, because everyone experiences it differently, I think. Because I am so young, I'm not going to try and tell you guys that I've found my soulmate, the "Light of my Life" because I just don't know where life, love, and happiness will take me. Regardless, I do know that I am in love currently. But I would never lable my love as something so out of reach, because in the end, things and people change. It would be great if my boyfriend and I stayed together: that is of course, if by the time we're out of college, financially ready, etc. to even THINK about being together "forever", would we still even want that?
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Ahh the one. I had a boyfriend and he was convinced we would get marry. He had me convinced, but it just wasn't right. With my boyfriend now, everything falls into place. I'm not saying he is "the one", but he sure does fit me pretty well.

Being young and vulnerable, I think most girls think they are dating "the one". Everyone wants that fairy tale story, but reality isn't like that.

I think that "the one" will come without someone looking for it. It won't be expected and it won't be planned. You will be caught up in something else in life and they will just slide right into your life.

I have many friends who have parents who have parents who, even I can tell, just click. What I can say would be don't rush it. Wait for it to happen. Right now, we are all still learning and finding ourselves. We will change a lot. Once we find who we are, I think we can find who will just fit right in.

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Natalie H
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I don't think there's, 'The One,' I think there's 'Ones.' I think that people can fall in love again and again with people that are just compatible with them.
I don't think love is anything that can belong to one person, and I don't think that there's a single type of love to have for someone you're in love with.

I guess that might not make sense, but let me try to explain. I've been in love twice, but they were both very different types of love. And although the relationships ended and the love faded, I still feel that at the time I was very much in love. And I still feel I will love again. I don't think it's bad to fall out of love. I think it's just a new opportunity to find love again.

I also don't believe in love at first sight, or that once you love someone (if you really love them) then you'll never stop. Yes, I do still care about the two people I was with before, but I don't love them, or at least I'm not in love with them.

I don't think it takes a certain amount of time to fall in love with someone wholly and rightly, but it does take a certain amount of communication. You have to really KNOW the person, inside and out, and accept them for all they are, good or bad. Also, you can't really love them if you aren't in a clear state of mind, or if you or that person is making a big transition in their personalities, because the feelings probably will change if the people do.

Bicycle? I prefer a homocycle.

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