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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » The Randoms » Intimacy with my boyfriend

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Author Topic: Intimacy with my boyfriend
wisteriawestd3
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Hey everyone! i've been talking to the saff on here in another fourm about this issue but was wondering if you guys could offer some advice as well.

I want to have sex with him. We've been together for 6 months on the first.He's been very intimate with me and im completely comfortable around him. (in everyday normal activities, and laying completely naked in front of him.) Just the problem is I'm scared to see him naked and let him take his pants off in front of me. Any ideas on how to ease into this? Thanks!

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OhImpecuniousOne
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Have you been able to figure out what exactly you're scared of? Sort of following through, "If he's naked around me then _____ will happen, _____ will lead to _____" and so on?
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wisteriawestd3
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It's just the unknown. How it'll make us both feel. Mainly me.
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OhImpecuniousOne
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Than I think I agree with the advice in the other thread - I'd just take it slowly. Spend some time with him shirtless, see if you're both comfortable with that. Then maybe naked, but not touching (or not more than usual), see if you're still comfortable. You could skinny dip together if you have somewhere appropriate, or share a shower (the scrubbing kind rather than the sexy kind). Doing it that way, if it any time you do start feeling freaked out, you'll have plenty of time to calm down and think it through, and decide what you want to do - rather than ending up in a situation where things are moving fast, and you feel like you have to make on-the-spot decisions about whether or not you want to keep going further.

Another idea might be to do things that could get you both more used to touching each other's bodies without necessarily being totally naked - things like bodypainting on each other, massages, learning the kinds of martial arts that involve wrestling and grappling, and so on. Maybe being comfortable with touching each other's skin and clothes, would help you feel more relaxed about taking off a bit more clothing. [Smile]

And I think you can still do the followup thing with fear of the unknown - by sort of thinking of all the things it *could* make you feel. You might realise that the options aren't so bad after all, or you might be able to think of things which could help prevent the worse reactions you might have.

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acb
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It sounds to me like if you're not ready for him to be naked in front of you then maybe you shouldn't be trying to push yourself to this place of readiness. Maybe this is just a personal thing, but I find that when there's something that I want to do that I'm not ready for and then I force myself into it, I just sort of grit my teeth and go through with it and don't really enjoy it. I tend to become ready for things when I relax about it more.

If you want to have sex with your boyfriend but don't feel comfortable with him being naked, I guess maybe you could try and redraw the boundaries of what sex is. I decided a few years ago that, for me, if you had to take your belt off to do it, then it was sex. That way I recategorised what my sexual relationships were. Obviously, that's a very personal (and sort of odd) definition, but maybe if you think about all activities which are sexual as in the same box as penis in vagina sex, it could make the desire to have that kind of sex less strong and make you less likely to push yourself towards seeing him naked in order to have penis in vagina sex.

Maybe you could also try and identify why you want to have sex with your boyfriend and then think about other ways to fulfill that 'why'. For example, if it's about intimacy, you could tell each other secrets or share your feelings. If it's sexual pleasure, you could share fantasies, masturbate and let your partner know you're thinking about them or do other sexual things which don't involve being naked together. Is there something in particular you're looking to get out of sex with your boyfriend?

Like OhImpecuniousOne said, I also think taking a second look at why you're scared is a good idea. Have you managed to narrow it down at all? Thinking about things that scare us and engaging with them is, well, scary, but I think in this case it really might help you focus on what it is you're worried about. Perhaps take a good amount of time to think about it and have some nice things to do afterwards in case you freak yourself out. And if you don't get freaked out, then you get to treat yourself [Smile] .

[ 05-28-2014, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: acb ]

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wisteriawestd3
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Thanks! Ill go give some time to think that over and then respond here. Thanks.
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wisteriawestd3
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Ok. So I've figured it out. It's about how we're going to feel physically. Just how his body is going to feel and look.
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acb
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I think OhImpecuniousOne's suggestions about getting to know your boyfriend's body in a different context or starting to get to know it would be really great here, then. For what it's worth, I think learning about a new partner's body is amazing and I think taking some time to do that could actually be wonderful in itself rather than a stepping stone to anything else. [Smile]

When I've been unsure about a partner's physicality, especially male partners who have bits and pieces that I just don't, I also ask them what it feels like to have a part of their body that I don't have touched or stimulated - usually out of curiosity before/ after sex, rather than during, so there's time to explain it.

This might sound a bit dumb, but perhaps starting off with the lights out or with low lighting might help with concerns about how his body is going to look? Or having music or scented candles or some other sensory stimulus so you're not completely focused on one sense?

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acb
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[Message accidentally double posted]

[ 05-31-2014, 09:01 AM: Message edited by: acb ]

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wisteriawestd3
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I think the lights is a great idea. It will probably happen for us at night so I don't know how to make that really any darker. It will probably also happy in his car. Which I know sounds really small but it's actually quite roomy considering he can fold his back seats down flat which also opens up the trunk making it one big flat space. So I guess anyways to add to the senses like u suggested that we could do in his car other than an airfreshiner haha. Maybe anyways to make the car more comfortable?

We've done things in the back of os car before and there's just one little gap that's not that comfy. It was also like 50 degrees out and we were sweating buckets not to be gross but we were. It got really hot very fast so any suggestion to keep the car cool other than the air conditioning since we can't leave his car run and the windows down since we don't want anyone to hear us?

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Heather
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I just want to pop in here to mention that in other discussions you have had with this, you did not mention most of this is happening in very unsafe places like cars. You express feeling very uncomfortable with a lot of this, and by all means, this is likely part of the issue, since a car is a place where people not only really do not have privacy, which is part of feeling safe for most, but also somewhere you can wind up arrested for being sexual in if it is parked somewhere other than in a closed, private garage.

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ralphie41
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Just a quick addition to all the wonderful suggestions here, and sorry if it was already mentioned on the other thread: One thing to keep in mind is that if you decide to try both being completely naked together, in whatever situation, you can always just stop if you do start feeling weird or uncomfortable, and do something else [Smile]
To a certain extent anything new is going to feel a bit scary, just because it is new - but that doesn't have to be a bad thing so long as you can communicate and stop if it gets too much.

Have fun [Smile]

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wisteriawestd3
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Ok thank you [Smile]
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acb
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I am totally with ralphie41 on this!

Off the back of what Heather said, I really agree that if you're not feeling so comfortable emotionally, then you probably don't want to be physically uncomfortable on top of that and being somewhere where you're worrying about being heard (or could get in legal trouble if someone saw you) probably isn't going to calm your nerves much! Do you have any other options of places to go? Some of OhImpecuniousOne's suggestions about physical contact aren't necessarily sexual either and could be done in a public place or with clothes on without you needing to find a place that's private, if that's difficult for you. Beaches, rivers, lakes, some public parks maybe and swimming pools are a few more places that I just thought of where it is publicly acceptable in a state of male toplessness, at least.

Can I just check something with you, as well. When you said 'it will probably happen in his car' was the 'it' every physical act you're likely to have together? Or are you focusing on vaginal penetration? I understand totally if that's something that you want that your mind would be skipping to that but if you're still not feeling comfortable with nudity then I'd recommend you focus on that in and of itself for the time being, so I just wanted to check in with you on that [Smile] .

[ 06-02-2014, 10:24 PM: Message edited by: acb ]

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wisteriawestd3
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Well we've done stuff in both of our rooms but thats hard to do while our parents are lurking nearby. Wheb we're in our rooms usually he just touches my breasts and fingers me. Weve messed around a few quick times where he will place his mouth over my vagina when im clothed which still feels quite good. when we get completely naked though it is usually in his car. Obviously we cannot just strip down at our houses so where else are we suppposed to do it?

After having discussions on here and paying more attention with my boyfriend we have decided that on Thursday the 5th he is coming over after school because my parents wont be home. We are going to get sexual but we both don't know how far it is going to go. But what we do know is we are only going as far as we are comfortable with. If that means him just fingering and performing oral on me and me just beginning to touch him then so be it but we are not ruling sex out. In the past week i have actually found myself wanting to get to know his body better and even explore touching him, which is not something that i wanted to do before. Before the thought of putting my hands down his pants really freaked me out. Now im finding myself more curious and actually wanting to. Just nervous about when the right time is, if my parents are going to walk in the second i decide to (which knowing my luck is a great possibility) and just how he would react to me suddenly unexpectedly shoving my hand down his pants.

ive finally realized that sex isnt as nearly a big deal as i thought it was. I always saw myself waiting for it until at least senior year, but then when i met my boyfriend all of that changed. Now i realize that its basically the same as him fingering me, just with a different larger body part and a pregnancy risk. I feel a lot better about all of this now and i want to thank you.

Any tips that i could recieve from anyone would be great. I also certainly dont want to get into legal trouble with this so if anyone has any ideas on where we could get sexual other than a house and a car that would be great. Any other advice or any questions that anyone has for me please ask/comment since they have all really helped me figure things out and understand everything better. Thank you all so much!

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Heather
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No one should ever be shoving their hands down someone else's pants unexpectedly, so that is really a nonissue.

Were you ever able to read that piece I gave you to way back when about how to do consenting? If not, sounds like you still really need to do that. We need to be asking people before putting our hands in their pants, including our partners, as you and I already discussed.

I am a little perplexed by what sounds like a pretty sudden 360 here, but ultimately, being inside a home or other place where it is lawful for people to be sexual is the way to go. You say you are worried about parents walking in, so how about starting to talk to your parents about some of this?

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wisteriawestd3
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im not talking to my parents. Are you crazy? Hes over a lot when theyre not home because he comes over right after school so we're going to try and get it on before my mom gets home from her doctors appointment.

And well its never completely unexpected. Like before i've asked him before he left my house if he needed something to "remember me by" him getting the hint he would say yes and i would slowly take my hand down his chest until i gently grabbed him over his shorts. He always loves when i tease him like this.

And yes. we have concented to each other.

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Sam W
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One thing I'd like to add is if you're choosing less private locations (like a car) over more private ones (like your houses) because you don't want your parents to find out, there's still no guarantee they won't somehow know what's going on. So that's something else you'll want to keep in mind when choosing to engage in certain behaviors. If you really, truly can't stand the idea of your parents ever knowing this is going on, then it might have to not happen for quite some time.

And while it's great that you two have a sense of what you like and don't like when it comes to sex, the reason we suggest always asking for consent (even if it's for something the person normally loves) is that sometimes people will not always want to do that thing. So it helps to think of consent as an ongoing discussion, rather than a one time agreement.

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OhImpecuniousOne
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Talking to your parents isn't a crazy suggestion. Sure - your parents might be people who'd want absolutely nothing to do with any sexual discussions with their kids, which would be a shame; mine are like that. But equally, lots of parents would be happy to give their kids help and advice around sex - after all, most parents would do anything they could to help safeguard their kids' health and emotional wellbeing. I'm not trying to push you to talk to your parents if you think they'd react badly, just pointing out that it's not like parents are another species who are all anti-sex and prudish. [Smile]

I do think it's worthwhile trying to learn to talk more openly about sex with a partner, if only because you can't go into a great deal of detail when you're talking in innuendos. "Do you want something to remember me by?" can work fine as a general "Do you want to do sexy things now?". But I challenge you to come up with an innuendo-only way of saying, for example, "Would you touch me in x specific place please", "Are you okay? You seemed to enjoy most of that, but you looked a little out of sorts when I did y", and so on. [Wink]
I dunno about you, but if I don't feel comfortable enough to not use innuendos, I tend to end up not really talking about what I do/don't like/want and why, because it's such a pain in the arse to try to think quickly of sufficiently indirect ways of saying what I want to say. If you and your boyfriend experience something similar, then that could be making it much more difficult for you both to feel comfortable and relaxed, and to know that you can communicate your consent/non-consent quickly and easily when you need to.

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wisteriawestd3
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I do feel completely comfortable talking to my boyfriend about sex. I guess you could say it's our teasing game is the best way to explain it. I don't really know any way how to explain it. Sorry.

And my parents are completely against it. From the time I was little I have been told that the fear iffy father should be in my mind before I think of doing anything sexual. There's a reason why I haven't talked to my parents.

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