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Author Topic: what would you do in my position?
prospero's_daughter
Neophyte
Member # 7179

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Hey guys, thanks in advance for reading this!I'll try to make it brief [Smile]
The background: I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years about 9 months ago. It's taken a while, but we're friends now. I've spent the whole time regretting it and eventually told him, but he said he just wants to be friends..so that's where we are, and dammit, I wana be the best friend to him that I can be!
We found out a few weeks ago that his dad has lung cancer, and it's not looking too good. He's having chemo and doing OK so far, but he was given about 6 months to live. So, in my role as a friend, I'm trying my best to help him through this.
I have a holiday booked for this summer, in early July for two weeks to go to America and see a lot of family members I haven't seen in a while. (this is going somewhere, I promise!) Now three of my closest friends, one of whom has been away in China for a year, have asked if I want to go away with them for a week before I go to America. I would love to go, as I know we'd have an incredible time together..the only thing is that I'm worried something will happen to my ex's dad, and I won't be there to help and support him. So I can't decide whether I should go with my friends or not..part of me thinks that it's irrational to make plans based on what might not happen, and I don't know how much I'd be able to help even if I was here; I don't even know if he would want to see me. But the other part of me thinks that if something did happen, I would never forgive myself for being away. I can't get out of going to America, so I'm gona be away for 2 weeks anyway.. I'm just unsure whether to make it 3 weeks or not and take that risk.
I have to decide really soon as they want to book the holiday in the next few days, and I'm completely torn. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? What would you do in my position?

Posts: 25 | From: London, United Kingdom | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kitka
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 22756

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Imo, I think you ought to go on holiday.

You don't say why you broke up with him, but your regret confirms the feeling of responsiblity you have towards him. He was a major part of your life and you obviously still care about him. He doesn't seem to want or need that level of care anymore... it happens.

It seems to me that the best girlfriends stick with their guys (or girls) when things get tough, while making sure their own needs are respected. That might include forfeiting the holiday... it might not, depending on how you and your partner felt.

However, as a friend, your obligations are much more limited, especially in the context of an ex-girlfriend. A break up releases you from all obligations to your partner. By forfeiting your holiday for him, you're letting him control your life, while he doesn't want you in it. Not fair to you.

Were I you, I would go on holiday. Since you're friends with him, let him know that you're there to talk whenever he needs to. Let him know that you wish he wasn't having to go through this, etc. Maybe text him while you're away with "Thinking about you" or some such.
That's all you need to do, as a friend.

Posts: 455 | From: New York, NY | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
prospero's_daughter
Neophyte
Member # 7179

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Thanks a lot for the advice kitka, sometimes it really helps to get an outside opinion. You're right, I know I don't have the same obligations to him anymore, it's just hard to accept that sometimes but I know I have to move on and remember that in the context of a friend, our relationship is very different. Thanks for your help [Smile]
Posts: 25 | From: London, United Kingdom | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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