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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » The Randoms » Temper, Temper.........

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Author Topic: Temper, Temper.........
Brandy
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I recentley found out what happens when someone hits the wrong nerve. And I didn't like what I saw.
I've always had a bit of a temper. I never thought much of it, I was never violent or would cause a scene. But I think lately, I've gotten out of control.
I had an argument with my boyfriend (about my temper) a couple of days ago. We didn't work things out that night, so we continued on the next morning. About ten minutes into it, I lost it. I threw something, (I don't remember what it was, but I didn't throw it at him) stomped upstairs, and slammed the door so hard I thought it would come off the hinges. I crawled into my bed and put the covers over my entire body. I then realized how hard I was shaking, and I thought my heart was going to pound through my chest. My boyfriend came upstairs a few minutes later and told me that he was scared of me. I started to cry. I didn't like what I had become, and what I was doing to him.
I know why I'm like this, what I don't know, is why it won't go away. I was in an abusive relationship a couple of years ago, and I think it affected me more than I'll admit. I'm scared of being controlled and dominated, because that's exactly how it was before. I hate admitting that I'm wrong, and I'll constantly throw insults to hide what I'm really feeling. My boyfriend hates this. He hates that I won't open up to him, and he doesn't understand how I can be so stubborn and hurtful to him when we argue.
He knows about my last relationship. But he doesn't know what went on. He wants me to tell him so he can help, but I told him that I don't know how bringing it all up again would be good for me. I've buried it in the back of my mind where it can't hurt me anymore, but all I'm doing is hurting my boyfriend with my temper. The littlest thing sets me off. I would never get physical towards my boyfriend, but the fact that I scare him when I get like this, scares me.
Should I look into counselling? I'm embarrassed to admit that there's something wrong. Am I right in assuming the cause of this problem? I'm really not sure how I should go about handling this. All I know is that I don't want to be like this anymore.

Posts: 46 | From: Winnepeg, MB, Canada | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Milke
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Brandy, you want a cheap spiral-bound notebook, and a comfortable pen or pencil, and an hour or two to devote to writing absolutely everything that's on your mind, maybe crying, maybe burning what you've written, and recovering from it all. It's sometimes the only thing I can do when I'm really upset, and it's a remarkably private way of getting all your problems out. And I do wish you luck, truly I do.
Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Brandy
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uhhhh.... I did it again. Earlier this evening, I met my boyfriend at the bank to deposit my check from work. I got there before him, and as I was parking, some retarded guy who wasn't looking almost took out me, and my car. Naturally, I became a little cranky after this incedent. My boyfriend comes in a few minutes later, and immediatley asks me whats wrong. (he has that way of knowing -- kinda scary). I now go into my usual routine of telling him "nothing" where he then asks me again. This continues a few more times, and when my boyfriend realizes that he's not getting anywhere he walks out and waits for me outside. This just irritates me more. So I meet him at his apartment where I sit at the table and begin to read the paper. (I think that if I look like I'm doing something, my boyfriend won't be encouraged to talk to me about the "problem"). I guess I didn't look busy enough. He brings it up, asking me what's wrong. Finally I give up, tell him, and now he's mad because he doesn't think I should take things out on him. (Of course I think he's right, but I'm not going to admit it). So we converse back and forth for a bit and then, well, I lose it. I slammed my hand down on the table, (it must have been pretty hard because it still hurts) and I throw the paper across the table. (Along with knocking over the salt). I then proceed to leave, but my boyfriend blocks the door, so I locked myself in the bathroom. I then continued to stare at the toliet for an hour, (not as exciting as it sounds) then came out and tried to work things out. I tell my boyfriend that I think I have a problem. I tell him that I don't think I've healed from my last relationship, and that's what's causing problems now. We then discuss me looking into counseling.
I do not know what comes over me when I'm angry. I feel a kind of relief when I scream and yell and throw things, because I think it's the only way to get my point across. But I'm thinking that that's probably not a very healthy tatic to be using.
So what's a girl to do now? Look into counseling? talk to my boyfriend? Write things down when I'm feeling stressed? I'm just not sure on how to go about this.

Posts: 46 | From: Winnepeg, MB, Canada | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
StarryRedhead
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I definitely have a temper problem, it gets worse if I'm upset but I throw things, yell, I turn into a little devil! I try to deal with it the best I can though, I've learned how to.

It seems like you have been trying to avoid the problem, whatever it is. After reading how you wouldn't tell your boyfriend why you were mad about the incident that happened at the bank, it looks like you try to bottle things up instead of simply talking them out. Talking about things can make them easier to deal with in my experience. If you're mad, say, I'm mad because...."blah, blah, blah." And if it turns into an argument step away from the situation, take a walk, listen to music for a bit (nothing too loud or violent though!), and when you're feeling a little more calm and focused, say, "I'm ready to talk about it now." Then continue. What I usually do if I feel I'm about to lose it is go to my room, write, listen to music, take a walk, and when I'm feeling more calm I think about why I was mad, what I'm gonna say when I face the person or situation making me mad, and then I face it. And if you ever feel the need to hit something, hit a pillow, get your anger out on that not on yourself or anyone else. I've been doing pretty good with anger, there are still some days that just aren't good days......everyone is aloud to lose there cool a bit on those days, I think.

If this gets really bad then you should see a counselor. You WERE in an abusive relationship in the past and things like that can have lasting effects on you and your future relationships if you don't know how to deal with them. I wish you luck. Hope you start feeling some calm, happy feelings.

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}{*Starry Ali*}{
"You flicker. And you're beautiful. You glow inside my head. You hold me hypnotized, I'm mesmerized..."

~Alisons Life~


Posts: 367 | From: NY, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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Brandy, have you ever thought about seeing a counserlor who can help you with anger management? You problem sounds pretty severe, and if it gets really out of hand, someone's gonna lose an eye.

until then, before you blow your top, please try counting backwards from twenty. then drink some water. it will help you calm down.

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Maurice! Bring in the albinos! muwahahahahaha!!!


Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KiSsMEimSaRa13
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Yeah, this sounds serious...but not as serious as it could be. You obviously realize something is wrong and you need to fix it, so there you go... work from that. I don't know about you, but I totally believe in will power. If you really want to stop this temper problem you have, you'll do it. A few techniques: If you feel like you're about to blow your top, go to a quiet room and just sit there until you know you are okay. I know that sounds cheesy but it totally works. Another one: sometimes the reason why we get really pissed is cuz we have no good comebacks or (like in your case) we know the other person is right. Next time you get pissed, just say "I know, you're right, I know I know, you're right I'm wrong..." etc. It might piss them off, but at least you won't throw anything. good luck! you can do it!

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Kiss7


Posts: 10 | From: Blashme, Alabama, USA | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
keoki_14
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Ok, I kind of know what you mean. I have a pretty bad temper too. Someone one suggested writing everything down. I do that a lot, and it helps! You just have to let it all out. It may not seem like bringing up the past will do any help, but it really does. Just let it go, you'll feel so much lighter!

Good luck.

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"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap."
--Carrie Snow

"A mistake is simply another way of doing things."
--Katharine Graham

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Posts: 620 | From: Columbia, MD, USA | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ron
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Hey Brandy. Since you feel that that this previous relationship is bothering you, it probably is and since you've thought of seeing counseler you probably would find it helpful.

Anger is a very negative delusion. It hurts you far more than your bf, so its really a kind of self mutilation. We are not well prepared to deal with it in our culture because it is tolerated. Some people actually think it is better to 'get it out of your system' by getting mad and in generally we are taught that it is something out of our control and so we indulge in it at the slightest provocation.

Apart from your feelings about the abusive relationship that you have to work out, you can deal with your anger as a separate issue. You can learn not to become angry. This is easy, actually. You seem to be a very self aware person. Its a matter of watching yourself become angry. Learn to recognize the signs (remember it's *you* that's doing it, not your bf or the retarded guy who almost hit you, its an entirely internal process) Especially be aware when it is just starting, watch the the things that you are exaggerating that are the focus of your anger and then, you just stop...maybe take a deep breath, or say a bit of nonesense. If you catch it like this before it takes over your mind as a blinding rage you can actually consciously decide not to do it, just to kiss it off. Its amazing and it is a really important step forward to do that.

I study buddhist meditation and our teachers are really insistent about learning to do this. They say one moment of anger can destroy the effect of lifetimes of positive energy. So they think its really important. And that method really does work.


Posts: 364 | From: San Cristobal de Las Casas, Chiapas, Mexico | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lucky1402
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I have a bad temper too. I suggest getting a kind of therapy to discuss your abusive past relationship. Sometimes it helps to get it out and tell somebody exactly how you feel. Or you could try talking to your boyfriend about it, and then he may get a better idea of what you went through. It's normal to have some anger, but if it really bothers you or other people try counseling, talking to a friend, starting a diary (or writing poetry honestly helps for me), or trying to calm yourself down when you get mad. I hope some of that helped.

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*^Lucky^*
"We have to pause and ask ourselves: how much clean air do we need?"~ Lee Iococca
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as though you'll die today."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."


Posts: 492 | From: Michigan | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lee
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One thing that your boyfriend needs to understand is that when something is wrong, and you don't want to talk about it, pestering you about it will only make things worse. From what you described it sounds like he is trying to pry things out of you. I guess he thinks that he is being sensitive, I don't know. Something you might want to try is telling him that yes you are upset about something but it is not something you want to talk about and not something he can fix. That he should just leave you in peace so you can calm down.

There are some girls out there who play this twisted mind game where they expect their boyfriends to somehow guess what kind of problem they are having. When we ask them what is wrong they say "nothing," and then get all pissy if we don't figure out the truth on our own. From what you've described that is not what you are doing, but it might be what your boyfriend thinks is going on. Explain to him that it isn't, and try to communicate a little bit more than just telling him nothing is wrong.

There's nothing wrong with having a temper, it shows you're still alive and that the last guy didn't succeed in breaking your spirit. There are many people who would respond to an abusive relationship by becoming a perpetual punching bag. You haven't and for that I admire you. But a temper that responds to people and situations inappropriately is a problem. I know a little about this myself. My parents were/are abusive and my family is anything but functional. My gut feeling about parents in general is that they're all liars who want to brainwash their kids and ultimately screw them up emotionally. Intellectually I know this isn't always the case, but deep down I don't believe it. I don't know what will happen with me in the long run. The thing I fear most is that one day I'll have a family of my own and become the kind of person I've always hated. I'm slowly healing I guess. I've been away from my parents for almost a year and a half now and things are so much better than they've ever been before. I'm trying to see and understand the kinds of relationships that parents and children can have. Sometimes I seem to get a glimmer of what it could be like when that relationship is a good one. Other times I just can't imagine one not based on anger and suppressed hatred. But there is one thing I do know, we cannot always decide what will happen to us, but we can decide what lesson we learn in the process. You've experienced abuse and learned what it is. Along the way you learned to fight back, a much better lesson than how to be a victim. But now, like me, you need to learn what abuse isn't and when there is nothing there to fight.

Lee


Posts: 175 | From: Tempe, AZ USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ron
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I have to disaagree with you again Lee. It is not alright to have a temper. Anger is an extremely damaging and negative emotion and it is a huge mistake to just let it take over.

It's not a matter of supressing anger. Anger arises because of the way we perceive a person or situation, distorting the negative aspects and feeling justified in our rightousness. It's ultimately an ego trip. The way to deal with it is not suppresion but to correct our distorted, ego-centered view and learn new, positive ways of dealing with the object of our anger.


Posts: 364 | From: San Cristobal de Las Casas, Chiapas, Mexico | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lee
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Give me a break. I never once suggested that she let her anger take over. The only time that is a good idea is when you are in immediate danger, at which time it is a powerful tool for self preservation.

Obviously her boyfriend is not a source of danger to her, even though her gut reaction says that he is. For her to allow her anger to take over would do nothing but ruin their relationship permanently.

As for the source and nature of anger, you're lumping all the reasons that people get angry into one and then calling it bad. If someone gets angry from a situation that does not warrant it, then yes that is a problem. However if the situation does warrant it, if they don't get angry then that is also a problem. Anger is not the boogey man. Irrational anger, or the lack of rational anger, is. Anger is a survival mechanism. When confronted with danger an organism will either fight back or attempt to escape, its called the fight or flight reaction. She's seeing danger where none exists, that is the problem, not the emotion of anger itself.

Lee


Posts: 175 | From: Tempe, AZ USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Brandy
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I must say, I never thought of it that way....kind of gives you a new perspective on things.

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Brandy :)


Posts: 46 | From: Winnepeg, MB, Canada | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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