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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » EXPERT ADVICE » Pregnancy Scares » Setting stuff straight...indirectly. (Page 1)

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sspiderlamp
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Hello scarleteen! Your' rescources are awesome and your articles are mega helpful you do great stuff.
However, i just want to make sure iv'e got things super straight. Am i correct with the following?

1. pregnancy risks are only present when there is direct genital contact, or someone with a penis ejaculates directly unto a vulva.

2.Direct contact is when there is 100% no clothing.
And underwear counts as clothing as long as its something that fully covers you.

3.Indirect contact only presents a risk if the person with a penis ejaculates directly onto their hand and immediately rubs it on a vulva, or into the vagina, but the risk is unlikely.

Lastly, 4. There is not a pregnancy risk if partners are dry humping and one or more partner(s) are wearing something that fully covers their genitals. And that accounts for fluids like ejaculate soaking through.

Are all of those statements right? if so then yay because i will have everything straight in my head and no more worries in future. If nope, then please could you elaborate.
Thanks and look forward to hearing from you.
Hugs, spiderlamp. [Smile] [Smile] [Smile]

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Heather
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You got it! [Smile]

The only iffy thing is with #1: pregnancy risks can also be present if and when someone with a penis directly ejaculates onto any part of the genitals of a person with a vulva, like the anus or perineum, which are not part of the vulva, but are its super-close next-door neighbors.

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sspiderlamp
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Ah-hah! I forgot about the bum stuff!
But thanks so much it's great to know i'm on the right track. You do great stuff. Thankyou millions. [Smile] [Smile] [Smile]

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sspiderlamp
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Oops forgot to add! Does any indirect contact with pre ejaculate present any pregnancy risk at all? For instance someone touching a penis with pre ejaculate on it and then touching their vulva?

and sorry i couldnt find the self care article though i looked. if u could link it 2 me then great. i think its called la carte or something

many thanks

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Sam W
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Nope, only direct genital to genital contact with pre-cum poses a risk.

And here's the self care article [Smile]
Self-Care a La Carte

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sspiderlamp
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awesome thx
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sspiderlamp
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and if theres a fabric barrier. there is no pregnancy risk at all?
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Edith_*
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No. Like Sam already said, there must be a direct genital to genital contact for a viable risk. Sperm cells are very delicate and cannot survive the journey through fabrics. [Smile]

This article is a very good one when it comes to talk about what sperm cells can and can't do:

Who's Afraid of Sperm Cells?

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"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it " (...'cause no one else will) -Gandhi-

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sspiderlamp
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thankyou and the article was a real eye opener. were you talking about just pre ejaculate there, or does that include actual ejaculate being no risk at all with a fabric barrier?
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Edith_*
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Both. [Smile]

--------------------
"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it " (...'cause no one else will) -Gandhi-

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sspiderlamp
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on this article: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/can_i_get_pregnant_or_get_or_pass_on_an_sti_from_that
what does it mean when it says 'or there is accidental fluid contact. In those cases, there may be low risk.'?

Also this might be a bit of a strange question, but me and my boyfriend are taking a long break from sexual stuff at the moment, we've talked a lot and its clear that neither of us is ready for any if we get freaked by it. There is one problem, we are fed up by things turning sexual but are not quite sure what to do instead. Do you have any ideas of what we can do instead to keep our minds off of it? we cant really talk to anyone else about it. Everytime that we dont manage to be 'innocent' for the day (as we call it) we feel terrible afterwards. we only do things free of risk, but still freak or feel bad. [Frown]
thankyou so much for all your help

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Heather
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Well, nothing "turns" sexual so far as actions go. Sexual activity is an action people choose, when they do, not something that happens without people choosing to do so.

You know, you not only can focus on other parts of your relationship while taking some time away from sexual activities, but you don't have to not have those thoughts or feelings to choose not to out them into actions. People can have sexual desires, not pursue them, and be just fine, you know?

If that does not seem doable to either of you, can you maybe fill me in in why so we can see what we can do to help you make it more manageable?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I want to also ask, with things that are absolutely no risk, at all, like kissing, like each masturbating together in the same space where it is together with no contact...ways to be sexual if you want, but with NO risks: these are freaking you both out, too?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sspiderlamp
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Well not kissing, and we haven't tried mutual masturbation. We are fine with phone sex (when iv'e credit on my phone) i meant things like dry humping and manual sex. we know they have no risk, but we still freak sometimes. Well its more me doing the freaking out and him doing the feeling bad or regretful about it.

You are right about things not being able to turn sexual. Well you see we'll be on a walk walking as usual tralalala... and we'll sit down for food and start to kiss and things will get heated (but not past our limits/rules for the day) but we'll get a bit hornybunnies and we'll ask each other about 9 times if we want to do dry humping. And then we do, and often feel bad/freaked about it

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Heather
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So, is there a problem with not doing the things that freak you out, sticking to the things that do not, and trying some new things that do not pose any risks to see how those work for you both?

How about the next times you both decide to ask about doing something you know freaks you out, you instead choose to ask about doing something that does not, or something new you have not tried yet and know to be no risk, instead? Why stick on things you know are not working for you guys?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Also, why is it you two think you keep asking for things over and over again when you both want the answer to be no? Can you not just both make and keep an agreement that you are just not even going to ask to do the things you have agreed you are both not comfortable doing?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sspiderlamp
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yes im so sorry and i will try hard to make sure we do that. sometimes i even feel like ill feel bad if we dont do something, like im withholding it and maybe he'll think im cold or something like that which is stupid i know sorry
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Heather
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You don't owe me any apologies! This is about figuring out what you both need to take care of yourselves.

Those thoughts you have you expressed here: even if you know they are foolish, and not reflective of what is actually happening here, have you talked about them with him? If not, that might help you out a lot. If you voice those fears to him, and he says that no, he knows it is not like that, it might be way easier to let them go, and that will probably help you say no to things that are not working for you more easily. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sspiderlamp
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I just had a very long phone call with him. We talked for ages and got a lot of stuff figured out. It actually turns out sexualness is the least important part of our relationship for both of us.

And my thoughts about him thinking i was cold were complete nonsense as he said he would be happy just to be with me for the rest of his life and not be sexual at all. Thankyou so much for all of your help and advice, i feel so much better about decisions and just about everything. you are very awesome and thankyou again. [Smile] [Smile]

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Heather
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Yay! [Smile]

And your are so welcome, and thanks for the sweet compliments!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sspiderlamp
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on this article: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/can_i_get_pregnant_or_get_or_pass_on_an_sti_from_that
what does it mean when it says 'or there is accidental fluid contact. In those cases, there may be low risk.'?

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Heather
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It means that if and when someone comes into contact with someone else's genital fluids in any way with their genitals, or in the case of infections, with their mouths or other mucosa, there may be risks.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sspiderlamp
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of pregnancy?? i thought there had to be direct genital contact?
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sspiderlamp
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Is that talking about ejaculate soaking through fabric being a risk of pregnancy with dry humping?
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Heather
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No.

Why don't you stick to the conversations we have had with you already, following the information we have already given you. Circling back to things we have already addressed -- and made clear are non-issues -- is not a sound use of your time or ours, and only obscures things, rather than making anything more clear.

[ 04-06-2014, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sspiderlamp
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You're right. im just so confused by that now and it won't help. I'll stick to the old information
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Heather
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Well, it's the same information.

Look up top where you first asked about things and I answered you. Then at Sam and Edith's answers, too. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sspiderlamp
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thankyou and sorry for being so nervous
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Heather
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You get to feel how you feel, that's nothing you need to apologize for.

But you guys also need to use those feelings to just figure out how to take care of yourselves and only make the sexual choices you feel okay with. And if you figure you already made one you didn't feel okay about? Then you just deal with feeling a little nervous for a while., take care of yourself, and make a different choice next time that you feel better about. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sspiderlamp
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thanks, what works for me while feeling like this is just to try and keep busy. or count to ten and look at the facts and tell myself ive nothing to worry about. i just wish the rational side of would win but it's just gonna have to be a waiting game.
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Heather
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Well, maybe some of the rational side, though, is also just a big clue that you need to make some changes in your sexual choices so you are only making ones you feel good about.

And maybe if you are starting that process, you, and your heart and your heart, simply need some more time to experience those different choices before you feel better.

But a little bit of discomfort like this won't hurt anyone, it is part of living and growing and figuring out what we do and do not feel good about. If and when someone finds that kind of minor emotional discomfort is intolerable, that's when it is time to check in with a healthcare provider to see about mental health issues, and if help there is needed.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sspiderlamp
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thankyou so much for all your help. when school starts again, i think ill go and see the school counselor/nurse. i used to get help weekly from her so that might help
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sspiderlamp
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and im really going to put my foot down on sexual choices from now on. i need to do whats best for me, as im sort of good at helping people around me and not me. thanks again you are so patient
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Heather
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It might also help to realize that doing something sexual you are not okay with when someone else is also is not "helping" them. Sex isn't "help," if that's how you have been thinking.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sspiderlamp
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nope i didn't mean that. i meant im not usually one to put my self first, in most aspects of life. but i didn't see sex as help, and thanks to your advice i definitely won't. [Smile]
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