I just want to share. Thanks, Scarleteen, for helping me getting here!
so, I don't have a boyfriend, and the one time I had fallen in love, I've kind of sabotaged it before it could have got to the point of sleeping together. So basically what sexual experiences I have I had got in short-term relationships/FWBs. And I have a problem with feeling safe and accepted enough in a sexual situation to just do what I want and don't do what I don't want to, and I used to be very afraid of exploiting guys via teasing (I know that this doesn't work quite like that), so I have spent a long time without partnered sex, until recently.
I don't want to get into too much detail, enough to say that this thing was, for geographical reasons, a very short-lived, but nice and honest affair. And the night we have actually spent together was chaotic, not following any official pattern of how sex is supposed to be made, and I finally didn't feel bad/guilty because of it. (My antidepressants are interfering with my libido, so probably this has influenced the way things came out too, maybe without them it would have had a more straighforward arc, but I liked it like this too.) I just got lost in feeling as much of his skin as possible.
A thing I think I can tell without this post becoming too porn-y is that, for example, my experience with giving blowjobs until now was either 1. doing it because of guilt/obligation and feeling bad (NOT recommended) 2. not doing it, because I have learned to respect my limits, and they were beyond them (is recommended when applicable). And then now, I just got so much into nuzzling around, that I was really just curious, and when he had stopped me (because it wasn't working that much for him), I wasn't sorry that I had "invested" this much "work" that wasn't turning out to be "useful", because I honestly liked doing what I was doing, and I wasn't pressuring myself at all.
Ironically, because this has not been my official marker, but there has also been some PIV, which didn't hurt or anything, because my corona is worn away, and didn't impress me that much (maybe also because of the antidepressants, or just because we didn't have the time to work out stuff like optimal angles). So now I am officially updating my status from "virgin because I never had any of that free and happy, un-self-conscious fun I'd like, and not because I just happened to not have yet any PIV" to "non-virgin, who also happened to have some PIV if you're curious, but why are you curious of exactly that aspect anyway".
This came much later than I'd have liked it to, and given the chance, I would change my past enviroment so I had spared myself a lot of unnecessary suffering, but given that I have no time machine, I ended up building my mental health from what I could find at the time, and in this terms I can see that I have only recent came to a point where something like this adventure became possible. And that it's better to be glad now than to cry over the lost theoretic possibilities.
naplement: this all sounds SO FANTASTIC for you.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 67055 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I'd like to add that because I am telling all this in a second language, and even using concepts you use around here (even if I know more about some of them from the work I have done with my psychologist), and I am also trying to respect the limits of the space and avoid porn, what I have written might sound a bit artificial/too close to what was described in the relevant article. But it was for real.
Posts: 124 | From: hungary | Registered: Mar 2010
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