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Author Topic: my AH HA! moment + filling in my parents
struggling
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So yesterday, I finally told my mom I'm sexually active. Maybe not all the Gorey stuff but hey its a start. To top it off I started asking for the help I need. But those weren't the best parts. Have you ever had one of those "Ah HA!" moments? Well I finally did. Here is what I wrote-

"I dont know whats more awkward. When they (my parents) know (that I was going to have sex) before even you do oooorrrr assume that everything you do is planned and you set out to achieve these "horrendous goals." Life is all about choices that's for sure, but not all of those choices are ones you decide under massive planning/thought. If life was planned where would the "fun" be in that? Good or bad- its just living. All you can do is take things as they come and hope for the best. I don't want to regret the choices I've made. So why not learn from them or just enjoy them"

Basically what I realized today is that I finally don't "feel bad" about my sexuality or choices and that while my mom may regret her choices that doesn't mean I have to regret mine or feel like I'm a bad kid for deciding something else. I feel comfortable with who I am and MY choices and that's what matters most.

As for mom. You may never read this but. I am SO proud of YOU and to be your daughter. You took that better than I could of ever imagined considering how tough your life has been. Don't worry still going to college, using safety measers, and loving life! <333

[ 01-10-2012, 09:49 PM: Message edited by: struggling ]

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Heather
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I LOVE this post. This is great, great stuff and I am so glad this went well.

That said -- and I so don't want to take away from the big yay here -- I am a little concerned if you're framing the sexual abuse that's happened to you as you being sexually active, and I do hope that having opened the door, you'll be able to soon tell your Mom about that so you can get the support you need with it, and the help you need to get free of the person who abused you.

It sounds like the tide has very much turned with your Mom around some of this, so you could feel pretty safe in disclosing that to her. What do you think?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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struggling
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I framed it as sexually active because it would be something she would be able to understand/cope with better than coersion or otherwise... turns out I was right cause even though I didn't say anything that's how she feels and she's repeatedly told me from now on that she feels like I'm making a huge mistake. Umm and along side the convo I just had with her she still feels like because the situation with my ex was blimp in life and unimportant and because I eventually did participate with him that how I feel about that is unimportant.....I don't feel comfortable wit going that far yet with her cause its just on a make things worse.

"You broke my heart......... no matter what you say just you watch your going to regret this when your my age. The reason your upset is because you know your wrong. Sex before marriage IS wrong. You did do something bad"

PS. She didn't like my fb post on choice. And as for the guy I'm still decided what to do with him. I know I probibly sound stupid but even at my age now being with him when I can and just seeing him makes me incredibly happy besides everything else. I know if he were to press furthur no matter how much I love him or happy I feel I wouldn't be able to stay with him. But I dont think he's going to have much of an opportunity considering at this point my parents don't want me to see him outside of school but also my step dad wants to have him arrested if he even thinks I was pressured....

[ 01-11-2012, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: struggling ]

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Heather
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Sometimes, though, what someone says in the abstract isn't the same thing they'll say when a situation is real and actual. It also appears she's talking about things without having the information from you to know what happened.

I know all parents aren't the same or great about this stuff, but I do think it's safe to say that almost any parent, hearing you were abused by someone who said things like your ex said to you, is going to understand that's not about consensual sex.

But it's up to you what you tell her and don't. My concern is just that you get some support with this, support which includes help getting away and staying away from that person, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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struggling
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I'm going to the clinic under the impression its for community service.... my grandmother who knows the entire situation said shed go with me. And my ex didn't say that my current did which is what's so disheartening.....
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struggling
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Btw I also edited the last post
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Heather
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Staying with someone who has done you harm isn't about being stupid or smart. It's about choosing to remain with someone you know, by experience, is not safe for you. It's also really important to know that when a person abuses someone like that, they are not only likely to do it again, but the abuse is likely to escalate. That's how this goes most of the time.

I think on top of thinking about your personal safety, it might help to think about how happy you might be with someone who had never hurt you and WOULD never hurt you like that. Doesn't that sound better?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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struggling
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Its harder to picture.... I'd of almost rathered he'd of hit me or been forcful because then I'd be able to handle it better. I just feel like I want more time. Why did this have to happen? And why did he have to say something like that? My chest hurts so bad when I think of cutting things off right now. Be cause he's never done anything else... and he hasn't brought it up again since I just.... felt hurt and upset. Why did he have to do this....our 1 year is commig up

[ 01-11-2012, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: struggling ]

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Heather
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Well, and in time he might well hit you or be more violent. Like I said, abuse tends to escalate. And I'm betting if and when that happens, you won't be wishing it did.

You know, when people grow up with incorrect messages about abuse and consent, it can be hard to unlearn them and hard to have a real sense of what is and isn't okay. That's very common. But it's also really important, when you DO get accurate information, that you work to really take it in and accept it.

This happened because this person has chosen to treat you this way: that wasn't your responsibility or choice. He said what he did either because he truly feels that way (which he probably does, given his actions), or he wanted to make you fearful (could be both). But the place where you have choice and responsibility now is what you do from here. Staying with someone who has done us harm is, in some way, choosing to be vulnerable to being harmed again and choosing not to do what we can to protect ourselves.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67102 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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