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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » What am I doing wrong?

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Author Topic: What am I doing wrong?
dylan19
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I recently broke up with a girlfriend of a few months..the first proper girlfriend I have had. Before that was just different girls who I have dated for a few weeks. But I seem to run into the same problem over and over? These girls have all been different, one was even foreign, with different personalities. The problem is some comments they make. One was getting irritated because I did not plan things out more, did not make the 'decisions' did not take the main responsibility for our plans together. Another gently complained that in socialising I was too 'hesitant' and 'cautious'. The most recent one eventually got fed up and told me I was too submissive and that she saw me as a plaything eventually who she could completely control, and so she had started looking for new guys while we were still together. This message keeps coming back to me from so many angles..submissive, indecisive, not dominant etc. But..in my own head..I am just me?? If I am not bossy..it is because I have no desire to run other people lives or be a 'dominator'..what is wrong with that?I dont want to be dominated either. Getting tired of this.....
Posts: 51 | From: Ireland | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Can we start by talking about what "over and over" means? We talking about three dating relationships, ten, fifty....?

Am I also getting that the pattern you are observing here isn't so much what they are saying, but that they have voiced preferences or critiques (and some clearly in some crappy ways)? Or that they don't want to date past a few weeks or months? Or....?

I'm personally not reading a pattern here about domination, save in that one comment. Someone not being as assertive as someone else likes or feels is a fit for them, as extroverted, or doesn't do more planning are all, to me, different things. Too, dating is a lot like shopping, and people aren't going to feel like a great fit with everyone they date: have you felt like all these girls, for example, were fantastic fits for you?

So, I'm not sure I'm getting the issue you seem to be voicing, that you're being asked to be a "dominator."

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
dylan19
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I suppose we are talking about three relationships mainly. I guess you could say they have voiced preferences and critiques...which I don't know what to do with that in fact. I dont want to put on a behaviour that is not natural for me. As for them being fantastic fit? I dont really know, afterall what can I compare them with except each other. The idea of 'knowing what you want' is a bit alien to me, I just like to be in a relationship. As for the dominator thing, I suppose I put things like assertiveness, decisisveness, being in charge, taking the initiative and so on, as elements of a more dominant personality.One that I am clearly lacking.
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Heather
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Okay. So, first things first: I know three can FEEL like over and over? But in the grand scheme of things, that really is a blip. Plenty of people will literally go on 10, 20 even 100 dates without feeling a real mutual fit, or any of those dates resulting in something both people want to pursue as a relationship.

Here's the thing I think you can mostly take from these critiques: they're not orders for you to change, and I would advise you don't take them that way if they don't feel like ways you WANT to change or grow. For instance, if you don't feel good about not pitching in as much with planning things as someone you're dating, maybe you want to work on getting better at that. On the other hand, if you don't want a dating relationship in a sub/dom model, rather than changing when someone says what that woman did, you figure she's giving you information that she is not a fit for you, because she obviously wants something you don't.

What this stuff mostly is are just people -- gracelessly sometimes, clearly -- voicing to you why they don't feel you and they are a fit, or why they don't want to keep dating. It's not a directive to be different so much as it is just someone's opinion about something they're looking for you don't have or they don't feel is a fit.

And when we don't fit with folks? That doesn't mean something is wrong with you OR wrong with them. It just means you're different in ways that don't mesh, or they and you want different things. There are a lot of people in the world, and for as much as we're all similar, we're all really different. Finding the people we really connect with, especially in specific ways, is often challenging, and will often take a good deal of time, trial and error.

Get where I'm going with this?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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dylan19
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sure
Posts: 51 | From: Ireland | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Okay, so where do you want to take this conversation from here?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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