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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Long Distance (and other problems)

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Author Topic: Long Distance (and other problems)
Member # 85016

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Lauren057     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My boyfriend recently moved approximately 1000km away, and, predictably it is causing its fair share of trials, some forseen and some not so much.
I am feeling really unsure about our relationship at this point for a number of reasons which I will try to lay out as clearly as I can, bearing in mind that I obviously don't understand his view as well I understand my own.
Before that, a few key points. We are both in our early twenties and have been monogamous for just over three years. We have previously cohabited and it worked out really well. In general we have a great relationship and I have been very, very happy.
However, his recent decision to relocate has presented with some problems:
Obviously, the distance itself is a huge issue as we are used to seeing each other almost everyday and now havent seen each in weeks/months.
Since my partner has moved, he has found a full time job and an apartment he likes. These are good things since the reason he chose to move were largely monetary as he was unsatisfied with the job he had and the salary he was making. BUT since he has moved, it seems as though every other conversation we have is about the possibility of me moving out there, which we never discussed prior to his move, as he told me he wanted a rotation job where he would work a number of weeks and then have a number of weeks off where he would come back and stay with me. But, since he was offered a monday to friday 9-5 and took it, that is no longer an option. I am a student, I have my own place, a job I LOVE as well as two horses who require my care. Notwithstanding the friends and family I have built up in my life, my life doesn't pick up and move all that well right now. Besides that, I am not even slightly interested in moving out there, I love where I am.
We don't seem to be able to agree on this, and it doesn't seem like we can have a conversation without cycling back to it eventually. I've tried to make myself clear over and over again that I don't want to move, which in my opinion should be reason enough to not move, and never even mind whether I want to or not, I really can't just drop my whole life *** over tea kettle and take off anyways.
Because of the way this series of conversations has progressed, I am starting to feel like our relationship is actually not taking a productive direction for either of us, and it may be better for us to go our separate ways.
I don't want to give the impression that I resent his decision to move, because I don't. I understand that his family environment was unhealthy for him and he was unhappy with his job and wanted to look for a better opportunity for himself. I fully supported that decision and was willing to try a long distance for as long as we needed, and still agree with both of those things. However, what I have come to resent is that he doesn't see his moving as a choice he made. He has said many times that he had 'no choice' but to move, and these conversations invariably end up with me feeling like the 'bad guy' because I am somehow preventing us from being together by not moving. I'm not saying he is purposely working towards that goal, I come to that conclusion on my own as much as it is suggested to me, or more so.
Another issue is a very good friend of mine (who is also male) who has been a VERY good friend to me in the past, and who I have a very close relationship to, has been with me through the whole relationship (and then some) and feels as though I should break it off. I want to trust his opinion, but I have 2 doubts, one, that I complain about my partner more to my friend than I take the time to say 'wow, he did something so nice today, I really love him'; and two, that he may have the motive of us possibly getting together (which, hypothetically would be possible in the distant future I suppose) if I were to split up with my current partner. I don't know that this is actually as issue, but there have been one or two late night comments over time that have led me to believe that it *might* be.
I am really at a loss here, because my partner really has already said that he loves the new place and that the only reason he would move back ever would be for our relationship, (which I don't really feel is fair to him either), and I really am not enjoying this long distance commitment so far. I am struggling to find where being lonely ends and being genuinely unhappy with my relationship begins.
Any tips from other members who have tried and succeeded (or not) with long distance?

(also, sorry for the small novel, seems to happen every time I post on here...)

Lauren :)

Posts: 25 | From: Canada | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Long distance relationships can definitely be stressful, and I'm sorry you're having to find that out the hard way.

It does sound like it might be really helpful for you if you can ask for a break from the "when will you move here???" questions, until you choose to bring that up again (if you do at all). Since you've made it clear that it isn't in the cards for you right now, for him to keep bringing it up is probably just causing a lot of extra stress for both of you.

Do you have any plans in place for how visits might happen? Maybe alternating who visits the other person, if possible? Sometimes even when visits are spaced far apart, knowing when they will happen can lessen the stress of being far apart.

I don't think you sound resentful or unreasonable here. Your partner had very compelling reasons to move; you have very compelling reasons to stay where you are. It doesn't sound like either of you is at fault in this situation of being in two different places; it's just a situation where what's best for most of your lives isn't ideal for your relationship. Your partner certainly did make a choice to move; his circumstances in your town may have made that choice easier to make, and it sounds like it was the right choice for him for several reasons, but it still was a choice. I do think that's an important distinction for him to keep in mind, but from what you've said I'm not sure he'll see it that way.

Maybe a question to ask yourself (and then maybe your partner) is this: assuming neither of you is willing to move at this point (which I think is ok if that's how you both feel), do you feel comfortable being in a long-distance relationship with no current plan to become in-person in the foreseeable future? Some folks are ok sticking with a LDR for a long time, without a clear end to it in sight, but for others, they only feel comfortable in them if there's a time they know they might be able to live in the same area as their partner in the future.

Sometimes it can be helpful to have the outside opinions of people who know you and your partner more closely than, say, we do, but ultimately you're the best expert on your situation here. There's no minimum level of misery needed to end a relationship; if you're just not feeling happy with the current situation and things don't seem likely to change, it's ok to end the relationship. It's also ok to try to problem-solve and find ways you can still connect in different cities, too!

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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