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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How to make the first move?

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Author Topic: How to make the first move?
Member # 110516

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So my friend and I are both girls. She identifies as Bi, and I identify as lesbian. We have talked about our feelings for each other before. On Facebook chat and over text, we talk intimately and have even made plans to have sex. But when we are in person we don't talk that way or go through with our plans. So all that rambling on I just did (sorry)boils down to; How do two shy and inexperienced people finally get up the courage to do anything sexual, or make the first move?
Posts: 4 | From: Arizona | Registered: Jun 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Hi Hope28, and welcome to Scarleteen. [Smile]

It really can be a lot easier to share big feelings and desires with people when we're not face to face! I have dealt with that myself, for sure.

Ultimately I think it does come down to someone being brave and taking that first step. How about, the next time you're in person, you take the plan to have sex off the table, but make it a goal to ask if you can kiss her, or talk in person about what sounds good to both of you?

It's totally ok to say "I'm going to bring this up even though I feel really shy and awkward about it!" Because often, any time people who are interested in each other take the first step and initiate something physical or sexual in person, it is awkward, even if both people have made their feelings clear. Acknowledging it can help lighten the mood a bit and help you forge ahead.

However, if it really is the case that you can't bring yourself to talk about this in person, and she can't either, it could be that you're both at a place where talking about your feelings and potentially having sex feels good, but doing any of that in person doesn't seem ready yet. And if that's the case, that's ok too!
You might need to give yourself a little push and a boost of courage, and that's fine, but if you feel like it's a matter of pulling teeth to take that step, it might be a good idea to back off from the in-person plans for a little bit.

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 110516

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Thank you for responding so quickly, Molias!

Yeah that sounds like a good idea. Her and I kissed once but we just ended up giggling and it was kinda awkward. Making plans like that was probably a little hasty.

Posts: 4 | From: Arizona | Registered: Jun 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 110155

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Something that might help is to look at how you imagine romantic and intimate situations between the two of you, and checking if those hypotheticals are what you really want them to be. We have this kind of silly cultural script for romance and intimacy where everything is slick and sexy, all husky tones and artful flirting. For some people that kind of thing works, for lots it doesn't - giggling and being unsure and a bit embarrassed and all that are also perfectly fine ways of doing romance, if you're both happy and enjoying each other's company.
Posts: 116 | From: UK | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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