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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » next steps?

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Author Topic: next steps?
pretzelscommander
Neophyte
Member # 110810

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This might be a bit ramble-y, so please bear with me!
I have never had sex, let alone a physical relationship with anyone before recently. The guy I had my first kiss with is in college (and I’m going into college in the fall) and was hesitant about being my first kiss for several reasons. Over the last few weeks, we’ve been getting more physical but only after my parents go to bed. While I was on vacation, we texted about sex and he mentioned that he though that oral sex on a girl was good foreplay. I’m all for him going down on me – it seems like it’s the next step – but I’m nervous. I don’t shave, and I’m worried that that and just my vagina in general will drive him away.
Mostly I’m just worried in general; he’s someone I would consider way out of my league, so when I’m not around him I feel very insecure about myself. When we cuddle, I don’t really feel that way, but I still wonder what it is that’s making him stick around with me. Our relationship is currently undefined, because he’s leaving at the end of the summer and we live in different states.
I had some specific questions but they kinda can’t be put into words, so I guess whatever advice you have for me as far as getting more comfortable with him is greatly appreciated!

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Molias
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Hi pretzelscommander, and welcome to Scarleteen!

There are a few things I want to mention here. First off, sexual activities that people engage in don't have to happen in a particular pattern or order - there's no rule that says a couple has to progress from, say, kissing to manual sex to oral sex to intercourse. Some folks do, and that's fine! But others might not have all those kinds of sex, or in the same order, and that's also all right. If receiving oral sex sounds exciting to you, then it sounds like that's something he's excited about too. But if this just seems like a good idea as a "next step" and you either are really nervous about it or just don't think it sounds very arousing, it's ok not to do it, or to wait a while longer. Have you talked with him about what you want, or what sort of sexual or intimate activities sound good to you in particular?

In terms of your vagina scaring anyone away, or worries about hair and grooming - it's really fine to do whatever you like with your pubic hair. Some people have preferences about this (for themselves and/or for partners), and many don't, or have really mild preferences but don't care all that much. If someone's going to refuse sex because your pubic hair doesn't align with their wants or expectations... that's a pretty clear sign that this person isn't a great sexual partner to begin with, you know? And vaginas do a great job of keeping themselves clean; as long as you're doing basic hygiene in terms of showering or bathing regularly, there's nothing extra you need to do.

I do think it can be really challenging to enter any kind of sexual relationship from a standpoint of feeling insecure, inferior, or like a partner is "out of your league." Do you want to talk at all about why you're having those feelings?
Have you done any work on improving your self-esteem? Are there other important relationships or friendships in your life, or things you're passionate about, that help you to feel better about yourself? That sort of thing is good in general for your own sake, and can also help keep this and future relationships on more even ground, where both people feel like they're bringing something awesome to the table. [Smile]

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pretzelscommander
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Thank you so much!
For starters, he's about four years older than me and has had a lot more experience with sex than I have, so I'm a little intimidated and I'm not sure I can measure up to his expectations (although I haven't asked him about his expectations yet). I'm underweight for my height and my breasts are almost nonexistent so I feel physically not so good looking, too. I have anxiety, so I work with a therapist to handle this sort of thing, but not necessarily the sexual part of it.

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pretzelscommander
Neophyte
Member # 110810

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Oh! And to answer your earlier question, we've sort of touched on what we both like but we haven't gotten too sexual or intimate yet - just dry humping, once - so it's still out there.
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Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

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I think the fact that you don't know what his expectations are might be a sign that you're putting the cart before the horse, in terms of worrying. That's certainly something you could ask him about, when you're talking about what you like.
I do think anxiety can be a big part of this sort of thinking; even if you aren't comfortable talking about sex specifically with your therapist, they might have ideas on ways to tackle this sort of line of thought.

One thing that may be helpful to keep in mind is that even if someone's had previous sexual partners before, everyone's going to be different - so having sex with you is just about as new to him as having sex with him is to you. Sure, experiences with previous partners can inform someone's future sex life, but first times with a new partner really are time for everyone involved to do some learning & exploration.

It does sound like talking with him about your shared desires, expectations, etc. might help clear some of this up for you, so maybe before the next time you meet up, or before you start anything sexual when you do, you can get that conversation started.

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