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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Is he the one, or break up? What to do?

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Author Topic: Is he the one, or break up? What to do?
Member # 48260

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Hi everyone! I'm in desperate need of relationship advice, and all my friends have just recently gone through break ups and are not giving the best advice since they're going through their "f--- boys" phase. So here I am. (Warning: I use the term "the one". I do not necessarily believe there is only one person out of billions that is meant to be with you. However, I use it since it's the only way I know how to get across what Im trying to say [Razz] )

I'm a 22 year old female, and my boyfriend is an almost 28 year old man. We've been dating for a year and a half. We're both very in love. For the first time in my life (and after going through many, many men) I feel that I do not want to be with anyone else, sleep with anyone else, etc. He tells me he supposedly feels the same way as well. We've even talked about marriage and said that sometime in the future we would like to get married. Here's the catch... we argue. Quite a bit. I know I'm the one to start arguments quite often, but mostly it's because it's the only passion I feel from him. He says I'm crazy and just like to argue. I feel that he doesn't put any effort forward.

He will do what I ask (drive to my house, go on a date, call me, etc), however it's like I'm forcing him to date me. He does not seem to feel the need to want to take me out on a date, or want to drive to see me, or want to call me, or want make me feel special in anyway. This makes me question whether he thinks I'm the "one" for him? Or is this just how men are? It's just odd to me because most of the guys I dated in the past put forth a lot of effort, wanted to do all these things to make me happy, and it ended up I lost interest and would no longer like them. However now I found a guy I really really love, but he doesn't seem to want to put forth any effort on his own will. Rather it's me forcing him. And I've tried to just lay back and not force him to see if eventually he will do things on his own terms...didn't work out. When cuddling he will say that he loves me a lot. But that is about the extent of his action and affection.

I admit, I'm a bit crazy and argue too much. I know I need to fix that and I'm currently working on it. I recognize I have a problem and need to work on it. But the problem is my boyfriend does not think he is doing anything wrong. We've talked about it in the past, and he sees nothing wrong, and that there is nothing he needs to work on. He's being loyal and he sees that as enough. Am I just being crazy? I want to be with this man, because when things are good they're REALLY good, but when things are bad I question it.

So, what should I do? I want to be with him and can't picture myself with anyone else? But is he the one if I'm feeling like our relationship is lacking? Oh, also we have never made out. I love making out, and he says he never has before. I've begged him to make out with me and he refuses. Is that weird?

Posts: 33 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Per the making out, or any other sexual or affectionate activity, we all have different sexualities, including what we do and do not like. Because we are so diverse, there really is not anything that is weird or normal, when it all comes down to it.

Being unable to manage anger really is not about being passionate, it is about being unable to manage anger. So, for sure, if you want healthy relationships, that is something to do some work on and get some help with ASAP.

All of what you are saying here, have you talked with him about all of this? If so, what has the outcome of those conversations been so far?

One thing I am hearing you say is that you would like it if he initiated things more, like asking you out, calling you, etc. Have you asked him if he would make an effort to do that more, and in that way, where you are making clear it is simply something you would like, not a matter of him doing anything wrong? If so, what was hus respinse?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 79774

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(edit - cross-posted with Heather, didn't mean to barrage you with responses!)

It's not really about whether he's doing anything wrong, it's about how you each want to or need to relate to another person, and the ways in which you can both have your needs met and feel good in the relationship.

Some people are simply less demonstrative or less spontaneous, or perhaps haven't learned those things yet. Have you been able to identify very specific things that you would like someone to do so that you feel wanted and loved? None of us work the same way so we'll all have different things for that anyway, but people who start out less inclined that way can just not know where or how to start with a general request for them to show more interest. It does sound as if he might prefer less emotional intensity than you do, so you, too, might need to respect his needs and preferences around this. The trick might be to see if you can both find some compromise positions in the middle where you both feel like your needs are getting met. Maybe there are some ways you can both arrange where you get to feel the kind of special and wanted that you need and which are still low-key enough for him to feel comfortable?

If you're starting arguments in order to get emotional reactions from him, I really suggest you try to stop that. Arguing is mostly not constructive, pleasant or fun for individuals or a relationship. If he's someone who needs less emotional intensity than you, you trying to engineer that is both not fair on him and makes it less likely that you'll get the emotional feedback in the ways you actually want, because he's already using part of whatever he has to offer there in negative interactions with you so he'll have less left over for the positive interactions that you presumably want.

Have you tried framing this in a way that neither of you is right or wrong, it's simply that you, personally, need some specific things a little differently in order to be really happy?

[ 05-08-2014, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: Redskies ]

The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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