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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How to stop thinking he'll cheat

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Author Topic: How to stop thinking he'll cheat
BullyDog19
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Me and my BF have been together almost one year. We have a good relationship, apart from in one aspect. 4 months ago he got told he participated in Oral sex with another girl, therefore cheating on me. He couldn't remember it, he wasn't drunk but he couldn't remember doing it or not not doing it (he just generally couldn't remember the night).

We got back together after a month and a half, after we figured out it had been a ploy by one of his female friends to get back at the female friends' ex. However he still can't remember what happened that night.

I had thought the entire time we were broken up for that he had cheated on me, but because he says he hasn't cheated he thinks there hasn't been any damage to my trust and security, but to me, thinking he actually had for 6 weeks has done a lot of damage.

Back to the present day, I am now very insecure, I dislike him talking to girls I haven't met, due to his previous girl- friends messing our relationship up.

He recently got a new job and has made a few new friends on Facebook due to this. One girl in particular, he stayed up until 3-4am in the morning speaking too, and I only saw their conversation twice, but she was definitely flirting with him. I told him straight away I wasn't very happy with them speaking, with her flirting. I couldn't see why they would be up til that time in the morning for several days in a row, when he claims they were only speaking about her new job.

I told him I had a problem with her flirting with him, and he said I could have a look at the conversation on Facebook, so I could see it wasn't anything bad- but he had deleted the entire conversation.

I was getting obsessed at this point, this whole thing really worried me and I couldn't sleep. I ended up trying to get into his facebook, but it turned out the same day he deleted the conversation between him and this girl, he had also changed his password.

At this point, I deleted my own facebook, I didn't want to be wondering if he was talking to her when he was online.

We spoke properly and he ended up deleting her off Facebook, although I don't know about any other forms of contact.

Anyways, we were together last night when she popped up to him via facbook, even though he had deleted her and said she had got a job where he works. I am devastated, I was insecure about them talking online but now they will be working together too.

There's nothing I can do about this, and I just need to know a way to deal with it, so if anyone has any advice it would be appreciated. I know relationships are about forgiving, my problem is I can't forget. Thanks

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Can I ask what he means by being unable to remember an evening?

I ask because my guess is what sounds -- from what you have posted about it in this way -- like a pretty odd story about this is likely to make it much harder to rebuild trust.

Same goes for what sounds like some maybe-dishonesty now.

Can we, for a moment, set aside any issues of cheating or maybe-cheating? Outside of that, has he been, do you feel, honest and candid with you? Is the relationship otherwise awesome? Do you feel trusting around everything else?

[ 04-02-2014, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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BullyDog19
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Well the night in general, he says he can't remember the thing in question. However once all was cleared, he said he did remember and nothing happened, this was only once everything was sorted.

Yes, I agree the story was odd to begin with, but I had no other information to go on.

I think he has been honest, mostly, but there are points which seem small to him but are massive to me.

For example, going back to this girl he was speaking too; he said after he had deleted her conversation via FB, that he had not spoken to her whatsoever, that he had just deleted her and that was that.

However it turned out that he had infact spoken to her before deleting her, saying he had to delete her ( or something of that context)and that only came to light when she popped up a couple of days ago to say she had got a job where he works.

( Again, whatever conversation was above, must have been deleted)

A small, tiny detail to my boyfriend who it seemed, did not occur to him to mention, but to me it seems like a downright lie.

We had a trusting relationship before this happened, but now I just don't trust anything or anyone.

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Sam W
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Hi Bullydog,

It does sound like there's some dishonesty going on on his part. Have you two discussed the fact that he is doing this and that, while it may not seem big to him, it is clearly causing you a lot of concern? If you have, how has he reacted?

when you say you don't trust anyone, does that include friends and family, or just people in romantic contexts?

[ 04-02-2014, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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BullyDog19
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We have discussed it, over and over again and all he has to say is that he loves me, not her and why can't I trust him? He thinks there is no reason I should not trust him, while I disagree, and when I bring up that fact he just says he hasn't cheated or done anything wrong and gets upset that I don't trust him.

I made a mistake there, I trust everyone else, family and friends.

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Heather
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That's a pretty fishy story there, IMO. There may have been something else going on entirely than the thing it was initially fishy about, who knows, but...well, that all sounds pretty dubious.

One of the tough things with a dynamic like you two have had going on is that it tends to ping-pong. In other words, something starts with a real distrust-y issue, then the person (you) on the other end loses trust and gets suspicious about things. Then the other person acts oddly in response to that, whether or not they are doing anything worthy of distrust at that point. So, it gets awfully hard to figure out what is really going on.

That all given, and since there's clearly some reason to feel wary around the things you are.

I wonder, if this is something you want to stick with (and it's just as okay if you don't as it is if you do), if you might be able to have a conversation with him where you make clear you get he doesn't think you have reason not to trust him, but the reality is you ARE not feeling like you can trust him right now. So, what can the two of you do together to rebuild that trust, with him acknowledging -- rather than dismissing -- that it clearly needs to be rebuilt?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BullyDog19
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It is a fishy story. We don't live together, so we see each other only two- three days per week. He has plenty of time to speaking to other girls.

I have been very suspicious, but I can't help it, once things are in my head, they are in my head for good. I understand that being suspicious isn't good and can ultimately end a relationship but I think I have reason to be.

How do two people re-build trust- that sounds almost impossible, and it me that has to do the trusting.

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Heather
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Well, the long story short is that -- if and when we want to -- we rebuild trust by slowly building it back up again. By everyone involved doing what they can to be trustworthy, and extend trust again gradually, and to communicate with each other throughout the process.

But you're the expert both on if that is something you want to do and something you feel capable of doing. No right answers there, just what you want and what you feel you have the capacity for.

Of course, this is also about if he's willing to engage in this process, too, and both of you doing so in pretty different ways than it sounds like you have both been doing.

[ 04-02-2014, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BullyDog19
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Unfortunately we have broken up, me doing the breaking. Now, onto the struggle of getting onto getting over it.
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Sam W
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Hi Bullydog,

I'm sorry that things didn't work out the way you might have hoped they would. If you'd like, you can give this article a read. You may find that it has some suggestions in it that are helpful to you:
Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

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BullyDog19
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I have been reading that, it is quite helpful, especially the guilt part.
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Sam W
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I'm glad you're finding it helpful [Smile]

If you have anything in particular you'd like to ask about, or want to talk about, you're more than welcome to.

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