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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My boyfriend is oblivious...

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Author Topic: My boyfriend is oblivious...
Python Regius
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Member # 109605

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I'm 20 years old and I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years. I really love him and wouldn't trade him for anyone else in the whole world, he's like the perfect guy. There's only one problem, he's completely oblivious to any of my advances!

Here's one scenario: The other day I took some of his yu gi oh cards and put them in my bra, pretty much giving him permission to touch me there and he wouldn't, he waited until they were sticking out to grab them. I didn't want to be like "you can touch my boob if you want" thats extremely unromantic and dull. I understand that he's being respectful, but I pretty much told him "stick your hands down my shirt" when I did that, and at this point in our relationship, he really shouldn't be scared to!

How can I be more obvious without coming out and saying what I want directly. I try to set romantic moods, but he's so oblivious to it, it just gets ruined.
It's not that he doesn't want to do anything romantic, I can tell when he's flirting with me, it's that he just can't recognize when I want to do romantic stuff. The worst part is that he doesn't initiate very often, I try more often than him but he doesn't see it >.<


I guess one of my choices would be to confront him and tell him to pay more attention? I mean other than flat out telling him what I want when I want it[which is a total mood killer]. Would that really do anything though? I mean, if he's not getting my hints now, how would he just suddenly be able to see them?
I think the main problem is that he's too respectful and doesn't want to upset me.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It sounds to me like this is simply someone who needs you to communicate with them more directly, rather than dropping hints.

Have you two talked about this, talked about sexual communication between the two of you, what you each want and need, and started talking about how to each try and meet those want and needs? Especially since it seems like you are both pretty different in this regard, so likely both will have to do some learning and adapting?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Python Regius
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Okay, that's what I figured. I don't like being strait-forward. I think it's funner to playfully hint at what I want. But if that's how he is, I can live with it and adapt.

I'll admit that we do have communication problems. I don't know why, but the thing that's keeping me from talking about our sex life is that we've gone so long without even considering it, I feel like he'll get weirded out. I have this scenario I made up that plays through my head that I go to tell him something and he tells me "you've never been like this before" like its a bad thing and it keeps me from saying anything >.<
It hasn't effected our relationship at all yet, but as I get older, I find myself being more needy for a mans touch. We've both decided to save sex for after marriage[both of us being catholic], but I'd like him to at least be more romantic.
I'll never get what I want without telling him though, so I guess that I'll have to get myself to be the one to take charge, because I don't think he will without my push.

Thank you for your reply! You pretty much solidified what I was feeling. I was thinking about what needed to be done, I had a dream about it last night and that's what prompted this thread. I never really thought this deeply into our relationship until recently.

How should I start out the conversation? What subject should I bring up first, maybe our lack of communication?

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Heather
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Well, I bet you both can likely work together to find some ways to meet in the middle. [Smile]

In terms of how to start the conversation, I'd suggest just being open that you feel like you need to have it, you are clearly different in the ways you have noticed, and you want to work together to find a way to meet in the middle.

I would make sure to leave value judgments at the door, or the idea that your way is the right or best way, and his is not. Saying he is "oblivious," for example, is a value judgment, isn't very kind (and also probably isn't true, no less), and certainly is more likely to hurt his feelings than to facilitate good communication. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Python Regius
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I definitely wouldn't tell him he's oblivious lol
I won't say anything about his character, just let him know that I think we should be more open with each other and that I feel like we are old enough and have been together long enough that we don't have to be scared of touching each other[or at least that he can touch me if he wants]. Then I'll ask him about his own feelings. Hopefully it turns out well and gives us new light and comfort in our relationship.

Thank you for your advice!
I feel more confident about talking to him. [Smile]

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Heather
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I'd also try and keep an open mind. For instance, maybe this is not even about him being scared. maybe this is about him simply preferring or better understanding more direct approaches.

I hear you saying you get turned on, or feel you would, if he just did things without permission, but for all we know, that is a turn-off for him. [Smile]

Too, I'd leave room for the fact that touching you without permission just may not be, or always be, something he wants to do. Active consent really does tend to involve more communication than that, and some back and forth, so someone who cares a lot about consent? They will tend to want that communication. (He may even want you to be asking about touching him first, for that matter.)

Of course, as well, there is also a gender issue here, though there shouldn't be: it should be no more or less okay for anyone of any gender to just touch without asking, but for the most part, it is a lot more loaded for men to do so to women. Know what I mean?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Python Regius
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Definitely won't try to force him or convince him into anything, just let him know what I want and get to know what he wants better [Smile]

I guess it is different for guys than girls, one wrong move and you could have someone crying abuse, then who gets in trouble? Usually not the girl.

Thank you for everything! This has really been the best advice I have ever had. Most people just give you vague answers and don't tell you what not to do. So glad I found this site <3

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Molias
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You know, when someone is "crying abuse" from a partner, it's always good to listen and take them seriously.
Sometimes people can be confused if there hasn't been a lot of talk about sexual desires and boundaries, and can make an honest mistake initiating something their partner doesn't want, but that's pretty easy to identify and correct. But deliberately ignoring or not caring a partner's boundaries is an entirely different scenario.

This article about talking to a partner about sex might be of some help in thinking about how to talk to your boyfriend about all this: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

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