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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Kissing - Should I be worried?

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Author Topic: Kissing - Should I be worried?
Letmebeanon
Neophyte
Member # 109453

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One time after kissing with my boyfriend (don't remember who initiated, I think him) I casually commented "I don't think I'm super into kissing". I don't remember any response. I don't remember him kissing me right after, but later that night he'd kiss me anyway. He does pay a lot of attention to what I like/don't like otherwise. For example, I told him I dislike light touch so he avoids it.. There were a few slip ups in the beginning but he learned and he's been very good about it. He frequently asks me if I like what he's doing. This was more than a month ago. In the past he often kisses me though oftentimes I don't kiss back (though I still do every so often). He notices because once he commented that it's cute how I don't kiss back. He might have owed it to inexperience, he's the first one I kissed. He may not be the best at interpreting people either. Sometimes he reads people, but he might have Aspergers (which often interferes with the ability to read nonverbal messages) and once I remember him telling that if I don't want do something I need to say no unambiguously, I can't be ambiguous. Often when we hang out I'll initiate kissing a couple times too. I never said a blatant no, I don't think I meant it as a no but nonetheless it makes me that he'd kiss me anyway. Maybe I spoke too quietly? Sometimes I speak too quietly for people to hear me. Anyway, more recently I asked him to initiating kissing or stop kissing me. So, he doesn't kiss me. Exception being, on at least one occasion, when I kissed him. Then he kissed me shortly thereafter. I asked him if he was kissing me because he thought me kissing him was giving him the go ahead to kiss me. He said yes and I basically went okay. But might he have been pushing my boundary? Another time before then I asked him to kiss me less that day but I'm not sure he decreased. Likely he did a bit, I think he might have but I'm not sure. That was a while ago.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Let's try this to get started: can you, just for me and yourself for now right here, write out what it is you want and don't want when it comes to kissing?

Do you not want there to be any kissing at all? Or for kissing to only happen when you initiate it? Or to always be asked first?

I'm asking so we have a clear place to start. I hear you asking me if he has pushed your boundaries or not, but I am not, from this one post, myself getting a clear sense of what those are to even know how to guess at that. [Smile]

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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

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Do you have a strong sense of what your preference is, here? I hear you saying you aren't really into kissing, but that you've initiated it a few times.
Did you set a really clear boundary already? I can't tell from what you wrote if that's the case; if you did, and your boyfriend's pushing it, that's definitely something to bring up, but if you haven't been really clear about it, it's possible that he's not sure what you're comfortable with, especially if you've initiated kissing on occasion.

Is it something you'd like to only do when you know you're in the mood, so you would feel more comfortable initiating it yourself? If so, you could talk to your boyfriend and ask if he's ok with letting you be the one to initiate kissing, or if he can explicitly ask and wait for a verbal "yes" if he wants to initiate. Or would you just like to take kissing off the table completely for now? Any of these are fine, but I think it's a good idea to really think about what sounds best to you so you can convey that to your partner.

Since it sounds like nonverbal communication isn't really clear between the two of you, I think having a talk about this is going to be a good idea, so you can both be on the same page without confusion.

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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